How have you maintained close friendships with friends struggling with infertility/loss?

[Anonymous]

I have young kids. My two closest friends (they are also close friends) have had a few very difficult years when it comes to getting and staying pregnant. One friend has been unable to get pregnant and has been told the chances aren't good. This friend has withdrawn a lot from me and sort of made a point of doing it, though she has not acknowledged it to me and I haven't raised it with her. The other friend lost her son in her 8th month. She was due within weeks of my youngest. This friend has needed space from me and my children, on occassion, but has made clear that she wants to be involved in my life, and vice-versa, even though it is difficult for her sometimes.

I'm at a loss as to how to handle this situation. I feel so terribly guilty and self-conscious, almost, that I have two healthy kids. I care very deeply for both of these friends, whomI have known since childhood. I try to reach out, make plans to do things without kids, hear about their lives, etc., but I still feel this huge distance between me and them. I know that this situation is about them, not me, but I do feel sad and I'd hate to lose either of these friends. What can I do to protect these friendships?

[Anonymous]

I'm glad you brought this up, I just found out that my friend had her 2nd m/c over the weekend. She was very upset and didn't even mention it to me (until she reacted to a comment I made about Kate Middleton's pregnancy). She had a lot of trouble getting pregnant and now trouble staying pregnant. I've noticed her pulling away from me and I've been very sensitive to that. It's hard. Becuase I can't understand what she is going through and sometimes my words (or pictures) accidently hurt her - I have to be aware that she needs time apart. But, then she comes back.

Eventually, I hope she will have a child of her own and this will all be behind us. Until that point, I just am here when she wants me to be. And when she needs time away, I'm also here waiting.

[Anonymous]

Your post made me cry OP, as I think about my miscarriage. Everyone handles things differently. For me, a balm has been a friend allowing me to be close with her baby daughter - it seems perverse but I feel so good when I can caretake her child, it makes me feel better to have that sweetness around.

Would you feel comfortable writing a letter (not an email) to these friends, just saying what you said here? How much you love them, how much you care about them, and how you would do anything under the sun to help them and protect your friendship. To tell them: tell me what you need from me, what I can do. Acknowledge the situation and see how to get ahead of it instead of trying to fix things when they've gotten rough (IF they get rough).

You sound like a really loving friend. It's nice to know people like you are out there.

[Anonymous]

I agree with writing a letter, sending a card, sending flowers, reaching out in some way.

To the poster who wants this "all to be behind us"....your friend's life story will always include these events. Always.

[Anonymous]

I've been there on both sides of the fence and it isn't easy on either side. Send a note, call, email, etc. Make a point of seeing your friends without your kids And send a holiday card that does not have your kids' pictures on it, even if it means that you buy a separate card for them. This is a very difficult time of year for people going through infertility and it is really hard for most people to be inundated daily with pictures of cute smiling kids, even knowing that some of those children were also hard to conceive.

And, when you get together, don't look at it as an opportunity to console, but rather as a time to do something you never get to do -- focus on you and your friend and not your kids. By that I mean don't talk about your kids, talk about your other interests. I have to admit, some of the best nights out I have had in the past year have been with a childless couple (not by choice). At the outset, I was trying really hard not to talk about our kids, but then we just started having non-kid-related conversations, like the kind that we had before we had kids. These dinners have been great for me too in terms of bringing back the non-mom side of me. It made me remember that I have interests outside of my kids and that I actually used to be interesting.

All this is to say, reach out to your friend to grab coffee. Talk about the weather (it's really nice out), talk about a book, and your friendship will weather the storm. And, be patient. If your friends say no, invite them again in a few months. But be there for them when they reach out to you.

[Anonymous]

I suffered through infertility for several years, and I really did withdraw into myself quite a bit during that time. The pps have good suggestions, and I do think it's nice of you to reach out. But don't be hurt if they can't reciprocate like you'd like.

[Anonymous]

I watched two of my friends go through this and their friendship did not make it. One was married and desperately trying to get pregnant and the other got pregnant accidentally and decided to have the child, but wasn't as excited and thrilled and thankful as married friend thought she should be. Unmarried friend was in shock for many many months. If unmarried friend so much as said her feet were swollen or she was ready for morning sickness to end or she hadn't decided on a nursery theme at 6 months, married friend jumped down her throat and lectured unmarried friend on how she had no right to complain and she wasn't thankful enough, etc. It was ugly. They have gone their separate ways.

[Anonymous]

Stop feeling guilty. You are sensitive to them and if they can't be happy for you, despite their infertility, then this is their problem. Often in life we do not get everything we want.

[Anonymous]

It took me five years to get pregnant and during that time I went into a very deep depression and withdrew a lot from many people. One friend in particular was there for me like no one else. While I was struggling she had two healthy children. We remained very close because she listened, she let me know she was there for me, she did not complain about how hard it was to have children or talk constantly about her children. She did talk about how hard it was once in awhile but also said that she reserved those conversations for friends with kids. Friends who could relate and friends who were not desperately trying to get pregnant. We of course did talk about her children but she really seemed to let me lead the way. If I called her crying about yet another failed IVF cycle she didn't say stupid things like "want one of mine?" She just listened. Looking back, I am certain it was a pretty uneven friendship there for awhile with her doing a lot more reaching out and a lot more listening then I did. I am forever grateful to her. We had years and years of friendship behind us by this point so I think that may have been part of the reason she was so patient and considerate with me. We both had a lot invested in the friendship. I am now lucky enough to be a mother and she is still my best friend.

[Anonymous]

17:44-I hope you are not one of my friends. You sound pretty awful.

[Anonymous]

17:44. Also hope you are not my "friend."

[Anonymous]

Or mine. I thought OP was trying to be empathetic or sympathetic as a friend. Thank you OP for being such a good friend to ask. It is obvious you care about your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop feeling guilty. You are sensitive to them and if they can't be happy for you, despite their infertility, then this is their problem. Often in life we do not get everything we want.

+1

[Anonymous]

Another person who has been on both sides of the fence, and I'd say listening is probably the biggest thing. Just listening without commentary.

[Anonymous]

For the PPs with infertility...once you had kids did the depression get better? I never struggled to get pregnant, but parenthood in many ways has been emotionally disappointing.