How have you maintained close friendships with friends struggling with infertility/loss?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, one of the best things my friends did for me was to not take anything I did or said personally and when I was ready to be friends again, they let me pick up right where we left off. For me, (and like others) I withdrew and couldn't bear to be around moms, pregnant friends or anyone. I was always angry, bitter at the world, at God, at everything. So, I wouldn't call my friends back, wouldn't get together and when we would, I was often sad and difficult to be around.

Fast forward to when I became a mom, I slowly tried to rebuild the friendships I had let slip. wouldn't you know it that my loving and absolutely wonderful friends, embraced me and acted like nothing was wrong and let me come back into their lives without questioning me, making me feel guilty or bad. I treasure these friends more than anything.

So, my advice is to let them know you are there for them, but that you also understand if they need to step away for a little bit, that you'll be there for them when they are ready.

Glad to know your friends aren't as selfish as you are/were. Seriously, you should be ashamed of your behavior; I hope you at least had the decency to apologize when you finally deemed them worthy of your time and attention.

wow. Well, I guess I have to spell everything out for you. When I said I "slowly tried to rebuild the friendships I had let slip" That meant that I was apologizing for my past behavior. And when I said my "loving and absolutely wonderful friends" I meant they are beyond worthy and the best in the world. I'm sorry you don't have the ability to understand beyond what is exactly stated. And clearly you aren't empathetic or compassionate like my dear friends are and like I am when they needed me to be since you put politeness and returning phone calls above everything else. Luckily my friends valued my friendship as much as I valued theirs.

Given that this thread is about maintaining friendships while dealing with infertility, your omissions were glaring.

And you didn't value their friendship...that's the whole point. You only valued them once you got what you wanted (a baby). Before then, they were persona non grata. But you're right...it sounds like they are great friends (not so sure about you though given that your friendship has strings attached).

what strings? I never expected anything from them. Just grateful they were there for me. And i wasn't omitting anything. I answered the OP - what she could do when her friend is suffering from IF. i told her what was a blessing for me wrt friendships. What is your problem with me?

The string attached is that you get a baby or, perhaps, that they didnthave theirs. The point is, you only want them as friends if you are at the same place child-wise. The fact that you refriended them once the condition you imoosed was met does nothing to make you look better. Your friends forgave you but we dont have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, one of the best things my friends did for me was to not take anything I did or said personally and when I was ready to be friends again, they let me pick up right where we left off. For me, (and like others) I withdrew and couldn't bear to be around moms, pregnant friends or anyone. I was always angry, bitter at the world, at God, at everything. So, I wouldn't call my friends back, wouldn't get together and when we would, I was often sad and difficult to be around.

Fast forward to when I became a mom, I slowly tried to rebuild the friendships I had let slip. wouldn't you know it that my loving and absolutely wonderful friends, embraced me and acted like nothing was wrong and let me come back into their lives without questioning me, making me feel guilty or bad. I treasure these friends more than anything.

So, my advice is to let them know you are there for them, but that you also understand if they need to step away for a little bit, that you'll be there for them when they are ready.

Glad to know your friends aren't as selfish as you are/were. Seriously, you should be ashamed of your behavior; I hope you at least had the decency to apologize when you finally deemed them worthy of your time and attention.

When you get cancer, give me a call!

WTF are you even talking about? Cancer is NOTHING like dealing with infertility. How absolutely rude and offensive.

Have you dealt with both? Because I have and the frustration, uncertainty, and social isolation I experienced were pretty similar. Sure there were differences, but I don't consider a comparison of the two experiences rude or offensive at all.

[Anonymous]

Do you even see what you wrote? You speak of fair-weathered friends when your actions are the epitome of such a thing. Your having friends is a testament to how great THEY are, not how great you are. They were able to *look past* your terrible behavior and accept you. That doesn't mean who didn't behave terribly. Nor did you have the right.

This is not about you feeling guilty or bad, but you don't seem to be able to recognize your selfish behavior. Or maybe you do and instead of acknowledging it, you get defensive.

Good grief, pp. That's what the OP asked for. How to be a good friend to someone struggling with infertility/loss? the pp explained what her friends did that made them good friends. who cares if she wasn't a good friend. she answered the OPs question.