How have you maintained close friendships with friends struggling with infertility/loss?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you sympathize? No one said anything bitchy and caalling all infertile women bitches is unfair.

Didn't say all, but some really play the victim and expect you to cater to them, never giving anything in return. You're expected to never talk about your triumphs, your children, your happiness, etc without fear that they will take offense or think you're rubbing it in their face. It gets old. In some fashion or form, people get dealt shitty hands. Be an adult and learn to deal without making everything about you.

I really don't think this is what the OP is talking about. There are insensitive, self-centered idiots who are infertile, just like there are insensitive, self-centered idiots who are fertile. But, painting all infertile women with the same negative brush because you happen to know an infertile idiot isn't really fair.

SIL is an annoying infertile. Every conversation is about her STRUGGLE, even after adopting 3 kids. It has gotten very old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:44-I hope you are not one of my friends. You sound pretty awful.

Well, there IS some truth to this. I lost a dear childhood friend in my mid-20's because she didn't like the way I announced to our group of friends that I was relocating to be with my then boyfriend (now husband). She flipped out and blew up a friendship, and over what? I didn't tell her first or make some big teary announcement over it. She saw my actions as choosing a man over my friends. She is still single, living in the same apartment since after college graduation and in the same job. It hurts me to this day to know that, because she wasn't happy, she couldn't be happy for me either. She pushed me away. But I am not going to apologize because I did nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, one of the best things my friends did for me was to not take anything I did or said personally and when I was ready to be friends again, they let me pick up right where we left off. For me, (and like others) I withdrew and couldn't bear to be around moms, pregnant friends or anyone. I was always angry, bitter at the world, at God, at everything. So, I wouldn't call my friends back, wouldn't get together and when we would, I was often sad and difficult to be around.

Fast forward to when I became a mom, I slowly tried to rebuild the friendships I had let slip. wouldn't you know it that my loving and absolutely wonderful friends, embraced me and acted like nothing was wrong and let me come back into their lives without questioning me, making me feel guilty or bad. I treasure these friends more than anything.

So, my advice is to let them know you are there for them, but that you also understand if they need to step away for a little bit, that you'll be there for them when they are ready.

Glad to know your friends aren't as selfish as you are/were. Seriously, you should be ashamed of your behavior; I hope you at least had the decency to apologize when you finally deemed them worthy of your time and attention.

wow. Well, I guess I have to spell everything out for you. When I said I "slowly tried to rebuild the friendships I had let slip" That meant that I was apologizing for my past behavior. And when I said my "loving and absolutely wonderful friends" I meant they are beyond worthy and the best in the world. I'm sorry you don't have the ability to understand beyond what is exactly stated. And clearly you aren't empathetic or compassionate like my dear friends are and like I am when they needed me to be since you put politeness and returning phone calls above everything else. Luckily my friends valued my friendship as much as I valued theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, one of the best things my friends did for me was to not take anything I did or said personally and when I was ready to be friends again, they let me pick up right where we left off. For me, (and like others) I withdrew and couldn't bear to be around moms, pregnant friends or anyone. I was always angry, bitter at the world, at God, at everything. So, I wouldn't call my friends back, wouldn't get together and when we would, I was often sad and difficult to be around.

Fast forward to when I became a mom, I slowly tried to rebuild the friendships I had let slip. wouldn't you know it that my loving and absolutely wonderful friends, embraced me and acted like nothing was wrong and let me come back into their lives without questioning me, making me feel guilty or bad. I treasure these friends more than anything.

So, my advice is to let them know you are there for them, but that you also understand if they need to step away for a little bit, that you'll be there for them when they are ready.

Glad to know your friends aren't as selfish as you are/were. Seriously, you should be ashamed of your behavior; I hope you at least had the decency to apologize when you finally deemed them worthy of your time and attention.

When you get cancer, give me a call!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, one of the best things my friends did for me was to not take anything I did or said personally and when I was ready to be friends again, they let me pick up right where we left off. For me, (and like others) I withdrew and couldn't bear to be around moms, pregnant friends or anyone. I was always angry, bitter at the world, at God, at everything. So, I wouldn't call my friends back, wouldn't get together and when we would, I was often sad and difficult to be around.

Fast forward to when I became a mom, I slowly tried to rebuild the friendships I had let slip. wouldn't you know it that my loving and absolutely wonderful friends, embraced me and acted like nothing was wrong and let me come back into their lives without questioning me, making me feel guilty or bad. I treasure these friends more than anything.

So, my advice is to let them know you are there for them, but that you also understand if they need to step away for a little bit, that you'll be there for them when they are ready.

Glad to know your friends aren't as selfish as you are/were. Seriously, you should be ashamed of your behavior; I hope you at least had the decency to apologize when you finally deemed them worthy of your time and attention.

wow. Well, I guess I have to spell everything out for you. When I said I "slowly tried to rebuild the friendships I had let slip" That meant that I was apologizing for my past behavior. And when I said my "loving and absolutely wonderful friends" I meant they are beyond worthy and the best in the world. I'm sorry you don't have the ability to understand beyond what is exactly stated. And clearly you aren't empathetic or compassionate like my dear friends are and like I am when they needed me to be since you put politeness and returning phone calls above everything else. Luckily my friends valued my friendship as much as I valued theirs.

Given that this thread is about maintaining friendships while dealing with infertility, your omissions were glaring.

And you didn't value their friendship...that's the whole point. You only valued them once you got what you wanted (a baby). Before then, they were persona non grata. But you're right...it sounds like they are great friends (not so sure about you though given that your friendship has strings attached).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, one of the best things my friends did for me was to not take anything I did or said personally and when I was ready to be friends again, they let me pick up right where we left off. For me, (and like others) I withdrew and couldn't bear to be around moms, pregnant friends or anyone. I was always angry, bitter at the world, at God, at everything. So, I wouldn't call my friends back, wouldn't get together and when we would, I was often sad and difficult to be around.

Fast forward to when I became a mom, I slowly tried to rebuild the friendships I had let slip. wouldn't you know it that my loving and absolutely wonderful friends, embraced me and acted like nothing was wrong and let me come back into their lives without questioning me, making me feel guilty or bad. I treasure these friends more than anything.

So, my advice is to let them know you are there for them, but that you also understand if they need to step away for a little bit, that you'll be there for them when they are ready.

Glad to know your friends aren't as selfish as you are/were. Seriously, you should be ashamed of your behavior; I hope you at least had the decency to apologize when you finally deemed them worthy of your time and attention.

When you get cancer, give me a call!

WTF are you even talking about? Cancer is NOTHING like dealing with infertility. How absolutely rude and offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, one of the best things my friends did for me was to not take anything I did or said personally and when I was ready to be friends again, they let me pick up right where we left off. For me, (and like others) I withdrew and couldn't bear to be around moms, pregnant friends or anyone. I was always angry, bitter at the world, at God, at everything. So, I wouldn't call my friends back, wouldn't get together and when we would, I was often sad and difficult to be around.

Fast forward to when I became a mom, I slowly tried to rebuild the friendships I had let slip. wouldn't you know it that my loving and absolutely wonderful friends, embraced me and acted like nothing was wrong and let me come back into their lives without questioning me, making me feel guilty or bad. I treasure these friends more than anything.

So, my advice is to let them know you are there for them, but that you also understand if they need to step away for a little bit, that you'll be there for them when they are ready.

Glad to know your friends aren't as selfish as you are/were. Seriously, you should be ashamed of your behavior; I hope you at least had the decency to apologize when you finally deemed them worthy of your time and attention.

wow. Well, I guess I have to spell everything out for you. When I said I "slowly tried to rebuild the friendships I had let slip" That meant that I was apologizing for my past behavior. And when I said my "loving and absolutely wonderful friends" I meant they are beyond worthy and the best in the world. I'm sorry you don't have the ability to understand beyond what is exactly stated. And clearly you aren't empathetic or compassionate like my dear friends are and like I am when they needed me to be since you put politeness and returning phone calls above everything else. Luckily my friends valued my friendship as much as I valued theirs.

Given that this thread is about maintaining friendships while dealing with infertility, your omissions were glaring.

And you didn't value their friendship...that's the whole point. You only valued them once you got what you wanted (a baby). Before then, they were persona non grata. But you're right...it sounds like they are great friends (not so sure about you though given that your friendship has strings attached).

what strings? I never expected anything from them. Just grateful they were there for me. And i wasn't omitting anything. I answered the OP - what she could do when her friend is suffering from IF. i told her what was a blessing for me wrt friendships. What is your problem with me?

[Anonymous]

pp here again. And I valued their friendships immensely. I was suffering and couldn't be around people. Anyone -not my parents, sister, brothers, and friends. Why does that make me such a shitty friend? I retreated unless I had to come out. I would think that's a blessing for those around me. Seriously, you have some issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pp here again. And I valued their friendships immensely. I was suffering and couldn't be around people. Anyone -not my parents, sister, brothers, and friends. Why does that make me such a shitty friend? I retreated unless I had to come out. I would think that's a blessing for those around me. Seriously, you have some issues.

You're being defensive. Does this mean you recognize your shitty behavior? You yourself said:

I was always angry, bitter at the world, at God, at everything. So, I wouldn't call my friends back, wouldn't get together and when we would, I was often sad and difficult to be around.

That sounds pretty shitty to me. And it still sounds like you're not recognizing that you were a terrible friend.

[Anonymous]

Actually pp, it kinda sounds like you are not over whatever happened to you and now you are projecting on someone else. You sharp accusations might lead some to believe that you might not be a very good friend...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:pp here again. And I valued their friendships immensely. I was suffering and couldn't be around people. Anyone -not my parents, sister, brothers, and friends. Why does that make me such a shitty friend? I retreated unless I had to come out. I would think that's a blessing for those around me. Seriously, you have some issues.

You're being defensive. Does this mean you recognize your shitty behavior? You yourself said:

I was always angry, bitter at the world, at God, at everything. So, I wouldn't call my friends back, wouldn't get together and when we would, I was often sad and difficult to be around.

That sounds pretty shitty to me. And it still sounds like you're not recognizing that you were a terrible friend.

It was implied that I was shitty. Must I spell everything out for you? The fact that my friends forgave me means the world to me. I said they embraced me and acted like nothing was wrong and let me come back into their lives without questioning me, making me feel guilty or bad.

That implies that I know I was shitty and my friends didn't make me feel guilty or bad about it. I'm telling the OP that if she wants to do something nice for her friends, it's to forgive them when or if they are sometimes shitty through their ordeal.

However, the fact that you seem to not give anyone any leeway or let them have their bad times or give them space when they need it the most shows that you will probably lose a lot of friends. Like it or not, life throws people curve balls. Sometimes they suck. Sometimes they suck really bad and it takes people time to adjust and go through the grieving process (yeah, anger is part of the process). Friends like you who won't give those people time to grieve whatever they're going through without making them feel guilty or bad by calling them selfish and shitty friends and making what they did or didn't do are called fair-weathered friends and are quite shallow. Trust me when I tell you that your friends will drop like flies and not bother to try and re-establish the friendship after they grieved because you're not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually pp, it kinda sounds like you are not over whatever happened to you and now you are projecting on someone else. You sharp accusations might lead some to believe that you might not be a very good friend...

That makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:pp here again. And I valued their friendships immensely. I was suffering and couldn't be around people. Anyone -not my parents, sister, brothers, and friends. Why does that make me such a shitty friend? I retreated unless I had to come out. I would think that's a blessing for those around me. Seriously, you have some issues.

You're being defensive. Does this mean you recognize your shitty behavior? You yourself said:

I was always angry, bitter at the world, at God, at everything. So, I wouldn't call my friends back, wouldn't get together and when we would, I was often sad and difficult to be around.

That sounds pretty shitty to me. And it still sounds like you're not recognizing that you were a terrible friend.

It was implied that I was shitty. Must I spell everything out for you? The fact that my friends forgave me means the world to me. I said they embraced me and acted like nothing was wrong and let me come back into their lives without questioning me, making me feel guilty or bad.

That implies that I know I was shitty and my friends didn't make me feel guilty or bad about it. I'm telling the OP that if she wants to do something nice for her friends, it's to forgive them when or if they are sometimes shitty through their ordeal.

However, the fact that you seem to not give anyone any leeway or let them have their bad times or give them space when they need it the most shows that you will probably lose a lot of friends. Like it or not, life throws people curve balls. Sometimes they suck. Sometimes they suck really bad and it takes people time to adjust and go through the grieving process (yeah, anger is part of the process). Friends like you who won't give those people time to grieve whatever they're going through without making them feel guilty or bad by calling them selfish and shitty friends and making what they did or didn't do are called fair-weathered friends and are quite shallow. Trust me when I tell you that your friends will drop like flies and not bother to try and re-establish the friendship after they grieved because you're not worth it.

Do you even see what you wrote? You speak of fair-weathered friends when your actions are the epitome of such a thing. Your having friends is a testament to how great THEY are, not how great you are. They were able to *look past* your terrible behavior and accept you. That doesn't mean who didn't behave terribly. Nor did you have the right.

This is not about you feeling guilty or bad, but you don't seem to be able to recognize your selfish behavior. Or maybe you do and instead of acknowledging it, you get defensive.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad this is being discussed too. I had one friend stop talking to me when I told her I was pregnant. I didn't know she had infertility issues until years later when she contacted me after giving birth to twins. She has known me a long time and has known all the challenges I have faced in my life so it was heartbreaking she didn't share this with me and I couldn't figure out what I had done to make her stop talking to me for so long.

My husband lost a close friend. The friendship started to fade once i got pregnant. I knew they were trying for a while and I told my husband not to mention at our child at all conversation, which is hard to do when you are up all night with a newborn. Anyhoo after that, the friendship ended. I DK if it is because we had an easy time with pregnancy or not, but I suspect it. We have had many other struggles (e.g. child with health issues and special needs), but the friendship was over by the time we knew what was up with our first born so I think they just assumed we lived a charmed married life. Or maybe they disliked us for other reasons . I know my husband really valued the friendship, but we've made the effort quite a few times and there comes a time when you just have to leave the ball in their court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once in awhile a good come back is needed, for an obnoxious "friend" One of mine said just take mine, and I replied "Yours? That is an arguement for not having kids at all. Never!" She was the Queen of the insensitive remark.

This is funny!