Was accidentally on a group text...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely call her out.

“It’s not a good look to be badmouthing an X yr-old on a group chat of adults. If you have an issue with my kid, try addressing me directly.”

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were that woman I’d want to melt into the face of the earth. Based on her response she really has no shame. Not someone I’d want to be friends with.

+1. Her non-apology response was so lame. I don’t think you even need to reply further. Just drop this woman/the whole group unless you think your son really benefits from it. If you do stay in the group, I just would not engage w this particular woman any further. What a clueless jerk.

No one defended OP’s son means the others agreed.

Not necessarily. I'm guessing this is a group of predominantly white women, who have been socialized/allowed not to confront incivility. The wine "jokes" are a dead giveaway of the type of group we're dealing with here - UMC white women who "just want everyone to get along." It means they will side with the jerk, and the bully, and let comments like this slide because they don't want the drama of telling someone they are behaving badly.

Basically, they've never really had to fight for anything, or stand up for anyone, and they aren't about to start now.

Well which is it, are UMC white women Karens who think they can boss around the people around them or do they quietly drink wine and avoid conflict? As a white woman, I really need to know how to act. Please advise.

It the lifecycle of a WW. Before a WW can become a "Karen," she must first pass through the larval phase, known as a "Becky." In this phase, she will mistake drinking wine and doing pilates for having a personality, and studiously avoid conflict with her fellow WW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were that woman I’d want to melt into the face of the earth. Based on her response she really has no shame. Not someone I’d want to be friends with.

+1. Her non-apology response was so lame. I don’t think you even need to reply further. Just drop this woman/the whole group unless you think your son really benefits from it. If you do stay in the group, I just would not engage w this particular woman any further. What a clueless jerk.

No one defended OP’s son means the others agreed.

Not necessarily. I'm guessing this is a group of predominantly white women, who have been socialized/allowed not to confront incivility. The wine "jokes" are a dead giveaway of the type of group we're dealing with here - UMC white women who "just want everyone to get along." It means they will side with the jerk, and the bully, and let comments like this slide because they don't want the drama of telling someone they are behaving badly.

Basically, they've never really had to fight for anything, or stand up for anyone, and they aren't about to start now.

Well which is it, are UMC white women Karens who think they can boss around the people around them or do they quietly drink wine and avoid conflict? As a white woman, I really need to know how to act. Please advise.

It the lifecycle of a WW. Before a WW can become a "Karen," she must first pass through the larval phase, known as a "Becky." In this phase, she will mistake drinking wine and doing pilates for having a personality, and studiously avoid conflict with her fellow WW.

The bolded is exactly on point. Well said. Suburban hell. Avoid these toxic people, OP. You will be glad they did.

[Anonymous]

NP, and regardless of OP’s kid’s behavior, that text is rude and inappropriate, and a real apology is warranted. Last year in DS’s kindergarten class, there was a very wild little boy...he was loud, and he’d bite, kick, spit, and say very rude things, completely unprovoked, to all the other children. The school (private) was constantly disciplining him, and I think he was on his way to being expelled. That being said, all the parents invited him, as well as all the other kids in the class, to birthday parties, etc. And none of us ever talked meanly or made cruel remarks about his behavior to each other. Was he my favorite kid in the class? Not at all...but he is still just a little boy, and when calm, played well with all the other kids. I’m not even particularly nice (I definitely gossip about adults), and I’d never dream of writing something that shitty about a kid in a group text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were that woman I’d want to melt into the face of the earth. Based on her response she really has no shame. Not someone I’d want to be friends with.

+1. Her non-apology response was so lame. I don’t think you even need to reply further. Just drop this woman/the whole group unless you think your son really benefits from it. If you do stay in the group, I just would not engage w this particular woman any further. What a clueless jerk.

No one defended OP’s son means the others agreed.

Not necessarily. I'm guessing this is a group of predominantly white women, who have been socialized/allowed not to confront incivility. The wine "jokes" are a dead giveaway of the type of group we're dealing with here - UMC white women who "just want everyone to get along." It means they will side with the jerk, and the bully, and let comments like this slide because they don't want the drama of telling someone they are behaving badly.

Basically, they've never really had to fight for anything, or stand up for anyone, and they aren't about to start now.

Well which is it, are UMC white women Karens who think they can boss around the people around them or do they quietly drink wine and avoid conflict? As a white woman, I really need to know how to act. Please advise.

It the lifecycle of a WW. Before a WW can become a "Karen," she must first pass through the larval phase, known as a "Becky." In this phase, she will mistake drinking wine and doing pilates for having a personality, and studiously avoid conflict with her fellow WW.

+1

First generation Asian, too FWIW. Trying to be a WW, basically. Not something to strive for, exactly.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting that the bully's reaction was to immediately position herself as the victim, and then lean on the trope of tipsy soccer mom.

A real apology would name the thing she did wrong, name the impact, and set out a plan to improve as a human being.

She did none of the above.

[Anonymous]

Do we know how old OP’s kid is? Just curious. Doesn’t change much but just wondering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just got a bunch of side texts from a few other moms horrified and apologizing.
I have yet to chime into the group thread (nobody has).
Letting it sit for a few.

I wouldn’t trust those moms either.

It’s likely that the mean poster felt very comfortable posting the nasty comment because they’ve discussed it in the past.

A side text is a way to talk out of both sides. If they were truly horrified they would have replied all. It’s not rocket science.

Not if you know anything about etiquette... you don’t call people out publicly. Jeez, where were you raised?

Nah. My rule - if you come for me in front of the group, I must return the favor in-kind. Otherwise, the precedent is set for others to try the same. Those 'side texts' are the a simultaneous placation attempt at self-preservation. Don't upset the bully, but still show sympathy. What they need to show is courage. Those same women are sidetexting the offender to 'let her know of her gaffe'. Notice she hasn't apologized to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why shouldn’t she be called out publicly? What duty do the other people on the text chain have to save her face?

Why aren’t you asking where the texters were raised? Frankly I don’t think there is anything wrong with clear direct discussion. I do have a problem with behind the back bullshit. To me, that is rude.

Two wrongs do t make a right.

This i am woman year me roar is just theater.

There is no question the rude woman was rude. She knows it, she apologized. She sucks! Don’t be her friend. You don’t need to announce every time you realize somebody isn’t good enough to be your friend.

I agree that two wrongs do not make a right. It seems that you and I disagree on what the "wrongs" are. To me #1 is the texter being rude in public and #2 is the other supposed 'friends' who come to op's defense in private but decide to let offender #1 off the hook / allow her to save face.

I wonder if those "friends" will see that as a "wrong" when offender #1 does it to them / their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have the loud kid, but I do have the kid people sometimes think is weird. I’d be rightfully pissed if someone I considered a friend said something rude about my kid in this way. It’s one of the unspoken rules of parenting— you don’t talk shit about other people’s kids. You can discuss privately with your spouse or another adult not in your circle, but that’s it. Who gossips about a child? That’s tacky as hell.

Btw, OP, my kid used to be in a co-op where parents volunteered, and the loud kid became my favorite kid (after my own of course). Yes, he was louder than the other kids and could be wild. But he also loved super heroes and would come to school dressed as Batman or Spider-Man and we’d hang out and talk about super powers when he needed to take a break from the room. That was years ago and I still have such tenderness for that kid. People who write off the loud kids are missing out. Their loss.

+1 There was an amazing kid in one of my kids' second grade classes. He asked 50,000 questions. You could tell people were tired of it but wow, what a mind. I hope he doesn't get defeated before he has a chance to blossom in the world. Amazing kid. I always ask the DC who was in class with him how he's doing. They're in middle school now and I still get updates every now and then.

Whenever I see kids 'like that' I always pay extra attention to them. They are almost always the most interesting. When possible, I try to make it a point to tell those same kids parents how great they are and how awesome they are going to be as they grow up. I feel like those parents sometimes get a little too much negative feedback about their kid - from the school or other parents. Difficult kids often turn out to be the best adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, do take the feedback. No one responded or disagreed so that does mean your child might have behavior issues. The person who texted was unapologetic. She apologized for saying it but you know it was the truth. Most parents know their children are difficult. They must all like you very much. The group usually filters out difficult families.

OMFG.

Do you really think that parents are not aware of their own children's behavior?? REALLY???

I truly cannot believe anyone is defending someone trashing a kid on a group text. It absolutely blows my mind.

There are some truly terrible people on this thread.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. That’s a horrible thing to happen to you and your kid.

[Anonymous]

Does nothing bad ever happen in other people's lives? I'm surprised by this uproar. I feel sorry for the OP and also for the mom who mistakenly sent the bitchy text. They're both going to be equally stung for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
And, OP, remember this for your own sanity. It’s hard, stressful times for everyone. She may never have said or written something like that before the pandemic. People are suffering right now with a lot. I’ll bet she’s mortified. Trying to get back at her will only hurt you and your son. All the best to you. I’m sure it felt absolutely awful to read that message. Try to see it in a larger context. You might end up feeling a little sorry for her and her current level of negativity.

Given her comment about family and that she copes with stressful and loud situations with wine, she may have also been drunk. Not that that excuses anything but depending on the person, if they have been an otherwise good friend and depending on interactions going forward - I would not necessarily throw away a friendship over this incident. Of course they may just be a horrible person worth separating from. Only OP really knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, do take the feedback. No one responded or disagreed so that does mean your child might have behavior issues. The person who texted was unapologetic. She apologized for saying it but you know it was the truth. Most parents know their children are difficult. They must all like you very much. The group usually filters out difficult families.

OMFG.

Do you really think that parents are not aware of their own children's behavior?? REALLY???

I truly cannot believe anyone is defending someone trashing a kid on a group text. It absolutely blows my mind.

There are some truly terrible people on this thread.

Really, I don't find any of these posts all that terrible. If I were capable of being honest with myself about the fact my kid is "that kid," I would take it in stride and be grateful they were willing to include him anyway. Doesn't excuse the mean group post, but I could see the truth in it.