WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

It was one incident people - we don't even know the context as to why they did what they did.

Some of you are extremely over involved in your teens lives. Micromanaging their every interaction. Learning to cope and deal with adversity is actually a really critical life skill. Allowing a teen some autonomy in their life to have input into decisions that impacts them is a good thing.

Incredible amount of helicopter/ snowplow parents on this thread. And many more who seem to care more about being able to post on Facebook about how they marched into the principal's office and made a scene...then actually caring about the impact of their parents, actions on the teen.

I work at a college - and last week I had a parent in my office who demanded I resolve a situation where a student's roommates weren't being nice to her. It never ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the people in here suggesting that OP goes to the media and hires a lawyer!

I'm really like 0_0.

Yes it was cruel. Yes the mean girls should be punished by their parents (though I doubt they will be).

But the MEDIA?

Would "the media" even care?

Eh, they might. Bullying is a topic that is getting a lot of attention right now, and rightly so. A story like this is a good illustration of how kids can get caught up in doing something that they think is "funny," but is actually quite cruel. This situation can be a learning moment for the young people involved and also other kids to think about when a plan crosses that line.

This story could also be a good one for teachers to use to teach kids about the difference between a "prank" and simply being mean to another student.

+1

I think the local media would actually love it. Kids are committing suicide these days over bullying. Even little kids. As the PP said, being able to tease out this event, talk about bullying vs a "prank", implications, the school's response, etc, is all interesting material for an article. We always read these articles about kids dying from bullying and think "but HOW could this happen?" and "but what did the school do about the stuff that happened earlier?" etc, well this is earlier. And it's interesting to see what the school does about it. There are plenty of parents who would be interested to read about this.

I can see a really good media story out of this incident. In addition to the bullying which is a trendy topic right now, there’s also the involvement of the star athlete which automatically adds some glamour. The wealth and connections of the bullies’ families is another interesting dynamic especially if OP and her daughter are lower on the socioeconomic ladder.

Social Class, Bullying, A Celebrity, teen girls, hazing?

Sounds like a great story!

They aren’t going to be able to name minors in an expose.

Ya’ll are crazy.

No one is talking about naming the minors in the story. Although it is true that everyone at the school would recognize who the mean girls in the story are, and it might be hard for them to live that down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was one incident people - we don't even know the context as to why they did what they did.

Some of you are extremely over involved in your teens lives. Micromanaging their every interaction. Learning to cope and deal with adversity is actually a really critical life skill. Allowing a teen some autonomy in their life to have input into decisions that impacts them is a good thing.

Incredible amount of helicopter/ snowplow parents on this thread. And many more who seem to care more about being able to post on Facebook about how they marched into the principal's office and made a scene...then actually caring about the impact of their parents, actions on the teen.

I work at a college - and last week I had a parent in my office who demanded I resolve a situation where a student's roommates weren't being nice to her. It never ends.

+1

THIS. Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've had a chance to read the entire thread. It has been so helpful, thank you all. A couple of things:

First, thank you to everyone who suggested that the Honor Code might have been violated. I would never have thought of that. I've read and re-read the code and do think it applies here. Now it is just a matter of whether I broach the school about it (still do not have permission to do so from DD).

Second, thank you all for the suggestions about contacting the unwitting sports star. I would never have thought of that either. I've looked up their Instagram feed to see whether there was a post along the lines of "Had a wonderful time meeting JV Team" but haven't seen anything yet. I think it would be appropriate then to say something like, "Hey, just so you know, you didn't actually meet with JV Team but, rather, JV Team minus one member who was pranked out of getting to meet you. Can you please change your post to reflect that you "Just met with A GROUP OF GIRLS who play X Sport because leaving post the way it is is hurtful to my DD."

Finally, many of you have wondered why my DD was targeted to begin with and not another girl on the team. I've been wondering the same thing everyday for the last week. DD was the girl that all the girls turned to for advice or help with homework. DD always had an extra item if someone forgot theirs and would willingly give it up. DD always smoothed over awkward situations in the locker room. DD always was the peacemaker. Since this is the first time (that I know of) that the Pranksters have pulled something like this, the best theory I have is that the two Pranksters decided that they wanted to pull a prank and consciously or perhaps unconsciously figured that my DD was the safest target, that she would be the most likely to say "yup, that was funny" and not get angry. Also may have figured that other teammates have parents who are more vocal, more chummy with coach or are downright helicopter-ish and wouldn't stand for it. That's the best I've got. We were really blindsided, as I've said before.

Um no that’s not the reason. Teen girls’ brains don’t work this way. The queen bee girl wanted revenge on her for some reason. Probably a boy involved.

The parents of these girls are total assholes. I don't know them but sancationing, encouraging, and going along with this so-called prank was an asshole, mean girl move. You cannot dress it up and put a bow on it. If your daughter doesn't want to report them, that's her choice. I was a very good athlete, made varsity and became a starter, beating out one of the co-captains. The co-captain and one of her friends began targeting me and I stood up to them. I directly called them out on their crap and did so in a way that they never tried anything for the rest of high school. They knew that I was not going to stand for it. Mean people suck and those parents and their kids are mean. I would factually tell people what happened. When people show you who they are believe them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was one incident people - we don't even know the context as to why they did what they did.

Some of you are extremely over involved in your teens lives. Micromanaging their every interaction. Learning to cope and deal with adversity is actually a really critical life skill. Allowing a teen some autonomy in their life to have input into decisions that impacts them is a good thing.

Incredible amount of helicopter/ snowplow parents on this thread. And many more who seem to care more about being able to post on Facebook about how they marched into the principal's office and made a scene...then actually caring about the impact of their parents, actions on the teen.

I work at a college - and last week I had a parent in my office who demanded I resolve a situation where a student's roommates weren't being nice to her. It never ends.

Something is seriously wrong if you would not help/support your child in this situation. This is not a college kid. This is a high school kid who may not know how to cope or deal with it appropriately and needs guidance. Maybe if people like you were more approachable, students would come to you and not their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was one incident people - we don't even know the context as to why they did what they did.

Some of you are extremely over involved in your teens lives. Micromanaging their every interaction. Learning to cope and deal with adversity is actually a really critical life skill. Allowing a teen some autonomy in their life to have input into decisions that impacts them is a good thing.

Incredible amount of helicopter/ snowplow parents on this thread. And many more who seem to care more about being able to post on Facebook about how they marched into the principal's office and made a scene...then actually caring about the impact of their parents, actions on the teen.

I work at a college - and last week I had a parent in my office who demanded I resolve a situation where a student's roommates weren't being nice to her. It never ends.

You work at a college??

Your lack of empathy is astounding... someone as jaded & cynical as you shouldn't be advising college kids on ANYTHING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one incident people - we don't even know the context as to why they did what they did.

Some of you are extremely over involved in your teens lives. Micromanaging their every interaction. Learning to cope and deal with adversity is actually a really critical life skill. Allowing a teen some autonomy in their life to have input into decisions that impacts them is a good thing.

Incredible amount of helicopter/ snowplow parents on this thread. And many more who seem to care more about being able to post on Facebook about how they marched into the principal's office and made a scene...then actually caring about the impact of their parents, actions on the teen.

I work at a college - and last week I had a parent in my office who demanded I resolve a situation where a student's roommates weren't being nice to her. It never ends.

Something is seriously wrong if you would not help/support your child in this situation. This is not a college kid. This is a high school kid who may not know how to cope or deal with it appropriately and needs guidance. Maybe if people like you were more approachable, students would come to you and not their parents.

OP has helped and supported her daughter. It sounds like they have talked quite a bit about the different ways to cope with this and options about next steps. They have likely discussed the pros and cons of those options and looked at what those mean for the daughter. OP has listened to her daughter, provided her own perspective and they have come to an agreement about how best to handle this. That is support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one incident people - we don't even know the context as to why they did what they did.

Some of you are extremely over involved in your teens lives. Micromanaging their every interaction. Learning to cope and deal with adversity is actually a really critical life skill. Allowing a teen some autonomy in their life to have input into decisions that impacts them is a good thing.

Incredible amount of helicopter/ snowplow parents on this thread. And many more who seem to care more about being able to post on Facebook about how they marched into the principal's office and made a scene...then actually caring about the impact of their parents, actions on the teen.

I work at a college - and last week I had a parent in my office who demanded I resolve a situation where a student's roommates weren't being nice to her. It never ends.

You work at a college??

Your lack of empathy is astounding... someone as jaded & cynical as you shouldn't be advising college kids on ANYTHING.

I didn’t get that impression at all, Mama Bear.

[Anonymous]

Okay. Fairly silly. There really is only one way to deal with this. It is terrible for team and school relationships and must be addressed - quickly.

Set a meeting with the appropriate adults at the school. That likely is the athletic director and whoever does school discipline (vice principal maybe - call the office and ask). Include the coach but not that important if they come.

Bring your kid. Have her describe the scenario without embellishment. Include the lockerroom explanations and include comments from other kids with their names. Ask that they inform you of their investigation and their decisions. You may not find out directly what discipline was imposed although your kid may learn through the grapevine.

Your kid now knows this person is not a friend. Treat them as such in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really encourage you to rethink what you're doing with your daughter. You seem to think that this was a one-time incident and that the situation will return to the former normal. I don't think that is what is going to happen.

It is very difficult to eradicate relational aggression systems of behavior once they are in place in a group. Allowing your daughter to stay on the team and at the same school as the bullies leave her open to future bullying. And it will probably escalate.

Bullying in girls (relational aggression) is a learned behavior and the girls learn it from their mothers. You've seen evidence of this because you've said that two of the mothers were part of the incident. The girls are behaving like a wolf pack and they've isolated the weakest link, your daughter. Your daughter's is not going to improve unless there is a substantive collaborative effort by the school, the coaching staff and parents.

Please speak with the coach and the principal of your daughter's school. Also consider that it may be in your daughter's best interest to move to a different school if the coach and the principal are not supportive.

Kate Middleston changed schools and was bullied. Now future Queen of England. Dont leave your DD to put up with this torture. Ostracism is a painful torture. This team siunds like its being run by a pack of hyenas. The coach must ne aware of it. Tge school is doung nothing. Ask your daughter what she wants to do. Invokve counselor. And go up the chajn. This is not healthy. I woukd not want my DD at the schooll any longer.

No, what isn't healthy is your overreaction and invocation of a princess to turn this into some fairy tale.

Removing OP's daughter from the team and school would entirely disrupt her life and cause all sorts of social, emotional, and practical difficulties. That's a gross overreaction and teaches your daughter that she should cut and run as soon as she has any adversity. No wonder we have so many snowflakes who can't handle any problems on their own.

[Anonymous]

I don't agree with quitting the team and leaving and do feel that a teen should be able to decide to some degree on how to handle this.

HOWEVER. many of these "snowake, helicopter" whatever comments are troubling. Most seem to suggest that the girl brought it on herself or that the other girls' behavior is just normal and the DD should suck it up.

I can only imagine that you have never been at the other end of gun.

When I was in 8th grade, the only way I survived a tortuous year long attack by my classmates was knowing my mom had my back. She didn't intervene much but knowing she would or could if I needed her to, and having her at home, is what got me through.

So yes. I think the suggestions to back channel colleges, the media, make a federal case are so extreme they should be dismissed.


But having mom, an ally and an adult help her through byhis somehow, is NOT helicoptering or creating a snowflake.

What those girls did is objectively wrong and objectively a big deal. Those downplaying it are maybe worse than the overreacters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually agree with the OP on why her daughter was targeted. My dad seems very similar in being the girl that helps everyone on the team with anything and everything. The queen bee of the team came right out and told my dd that she hates dd because she is so damn nice. Being kind and nice can make you a target. In my daughter's case she was given the coach's award last year. This year she is not playing. When asked why she just shrugs and says she has other interests she is going to pursue. The best part is she does. As soon as she made it known she was not playing this year the school asked her to be the editor of the yearbook. Her favorite quote is "Ultimate revenge is Ultimate success. "

Help your daughter be her best and do not focus on revenge.

1. That’s not a quote. It’s “success is the best revenge”.
2. If that is truly your daughter’s favorite “quote”, she doesn’t sound very nice at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

And the mom of the prankster chimes in.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’d tweet at the famous person that the girls got to meet, and tell him/her what happened. If the person is a decent person, they might come meet your DD personally, which would really show up those mean girls, and the joke would be on them.

[Anonymous]

OP - whatever you do, do not engage anyone about this on social media. Not the other children and certainly not the star. Other people would see it, and find a way to humiliate your daughter once again. DO NOT ENGAGE on social media. Seriously.