What do you say?

[Anonymous]

How do you feel about the options you have? How does she feel?

What do you hope will happen? What do you dread?

Is there any thing you want/need to help you feel more confident in your decision?

FWIW, a friend once told me that he was unsure he and his gf made the right decision until his daughter was about eight months old. Before that, he was stressed and sleep deprived, his gf was stressed and sleep deprived, and they were passing the baby between them and one set of grandparents trying to survive. At eight months, he graduated college and got a position in municipal government. They could afford daycare. He and his gf rediscovered each other as partners, not just coparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the options you have? How does she feel?

What do you hope will happen? What do you dread?

Is there any thing you want/need to help you feel more confident in your decision?

FWIW, a friend once told me that he was unsure he and his gf made the right decision until his daughter was about eight months old. Before that, he was stressed and sleep deprived, his gf was stressed and sleep deprived, and they were passing the baby between them and one set of grandparents trying to survive. At eight months, he graduated college and got a position in municipal government. They could afford daycare. He and his gf rediscovered each other as partners, not just coparents.

That's cute but it doesn't mean that it's the right move for OP's son or anyone else in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the options you have? How does she feel?

What do you hope will happen? What do you dread?

Is there any thing you want/need to help you feel more confident in your decision?

FWIW, a friend once told me that he was unsure he and his gf made the right decision until his daughter was about eight months old. Before that, he was stressed and sleep deprived, his gf was stressed and sleep deprived, and they were passing the baby between them and one set of grandparents trying to survive. At eight months, he graduated college and got a position in municipal government. They could afford daycare. He and his gf rediscovered each other as partners, not just coparents.

unsure he and his gf made a right decision until his daughter

He doesn't know if a different decision would have also been right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Nothing all day except my last messages were variations of I promise it will be OK whatever happens

son is working 3 shifts in a row rn so I didn't expect to hear from him ... there was sort of a thing like "you will be distracted"(me) and "my worry is that I'll be so distracted I can't do my job"

Your son needs to stop hiding from the situation.
His job isn't that important right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I would figure out a way to let him know that getting married because of a surprise pregnancy is very, very likely to end in divorce and be extremely painful and disruptive to him, her and the baby. He should be clear with his GF that he will be supportive of either decision as he will be responsible for partial custody and child support no matter what happens to their relationship in the future but their relationship isn’t going to fast forward to marriage or living together because they are pregnant.

I also would not mention adoption at all. No mid twenties woman is going to go through pregnancy unless she wants to keep the baby or is too poor to travel out of a repressive state if they live in a ban/forced birth state.

Kids who are put up for adoption are very upset about that choice. I wouldn't say that's a choice anymore. There aren't closed adoptions anymore with DNA testing.

There's no reason it should be a closed adoption. Buf in this case, why would there ever be an adoption. They became parents unexpectedly, that's all. Not a crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I would figure out a way to let him know that getting married because of a surprise pregnancy is very, very likely to end in divorce and be extremely painful and disruptive to him, her and the baby. He should be clear with his GF that he will be supportive of either decision as he will be responsible for partial custody and child support no matter what happens to their relationship in the future but their relationship isn’t going to fast forward to marriage or living together because they are pregnant.

I also would not mention adoption at all. No mid twenties woman is going to go through pregnancy unless she wants to keep the baby or is too poor to travel out of a repressive state if they live in a ban/forced birth state.

Kids who are put up for adoption are very upset about that choice. I wouldn't say that's a choice anymore. There aren't closed adoptions anymore with DNA testing.

There's no reason it should be a closed adoption. Buf in this case, why would there ever be an adoption. They became parents unexpectedly, that's all. Not a crisis.

Are you this dumb in real life?! Not everyone wants to nor should be a parent! This isn't like joining a gym in January and quitting your new workout routine in February. You need to be 100% in for the next 20 years or so. Abortion or adoption is sometimes the absolutely correct decision!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Nothing all day except my last messages were variations of I promise it will be OK whatever happens

son is working 3 shifts in a row rn so I didn't expect to hear from him ... there was sort of a thing like "you will be distracted"(me) and "my worry is that I'll be so distracted I can't do my job"

Your son needs to stop hiding from the situation.
His job isn't that important right now.

He’s not hiding, and it’s a good thing that he wants to preserve his well paying career and health insurance. Especially if he’s about to become a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me know if you need help with anything.

You have 2 choices: have the baby/don't have the baby.
If you have the baby: You have 2 choices: Keep it/don't keep it

Have you thought about those choices?

Whatever happens we will support you in your decision and still plan to help you get through college. If your girlfriend needs support let us know.

I know this feels really big, but in the end everything will work out. Let me know how we can support you.

No. Are you serious? They are mid 20s not 16. Many of us were married in our mid twenties. How rude to ask if they have thought about it. Do you seriously think they just flipped a coin? Good lord.

They do have choices. Nobody needs to have a baby they're not prepared to raise.

EXACTLY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me know if you need help with anything.

You have 2 choices: have the baby/don't have the baby.
If you have the baby: You have 2 choices: Keep it/don't keep it

Have you thought about those choices?

Whatever happens we will support you in your decision and still plan to help you get through college. If your girlfriend needs support let us know.

I know this feels really big, but in the end everything will work out. Let me know how we can support you.

No. Are you serious? They are mid 20s not 16. Many of us were married in our mid twenties. How rude to ask if they have thought about it. Do you seriously think they just flipped a coin? Good lord.

They do have choices. Nobody needs to have a baby they're not prepared to raise.

EXACTLY

They're a little strapped for choices at 32+ weeks. Adoption or keep and raise it but anything else is off the table.

[Anonymous]

OP here again

I was trying to just sit back and absorb and try not to interfere with things that are not my decision, and just told him I’d be here for whatever he needed when he needs me.

This all just started Wed night and today Tuesday he just texted me she’s delivering now at (kindly) approximately 33 weeks

Baby will need to stay in the NICU for at least a week

I have no more words, maybe they were both in such shock it caused her to go into preterm labor

His father has put him in contact with a lawyer. I don’t know what for yet. I just presume that he’s still in shock and doesn’t know how he feels about anything but it’s definitely about to get very real now.

I just hope that the actual presence of a live infant will help both of them decide where they are going to fall on all of this emotionally. I still don’t know how her mom & grandma feel about it or even if she’s told them.

He doesn’t want me to be there just now.

I imagine you never know until you’re actually there how it will all feel. I feel so helpless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again

I was trying to just sit back and absorb and try not to interfere with things that are not my decision, and just told him I’d be here for whatever he needed when he needs me.

This all just started Wed night and today Tuesday he just texted me she’s delivering now at (kindly) approximately 33 weeks

Baby will need to stay in the NICU for at least a week

I have no more words, maybe they were both in such shock it caused her to go into preterm labor

His father has put him in contact with a lawyer. I don’t know what for yet. I just presume that he’s still in shock and doesn’t know how he feels about anything but it’s definitely about to get very real now.

I just hope that the actual presence of a live infant will help both of them decide where they are going to fall on all of this emotionally. I still don’t know how her mom & grandma feel about it or even if she’s told them.

He doesn’t want me to be there just now.

I imagine you never know until you’re actually there how it will all feel. I feel so helpless.

Wow, what a crazy few days for your family.

In case it might help, I’d caution that it is likely the baby will need to be in the nicu for much longer than a week. My son was born at 34 weeks, and I was told to anticipate he wld go home the week of his due date! He went home a week and a half after he was born, but this was an extremely short stay and when I was pregnant with my second (who luckily was carried to term), by OB reminded me that if I delivered at 34 weeks, to expect a month long nicu stay as that is far more common.

It’s also possible that the pregnancy is further along, as it’s hard to date pregnancies in the third trimester, so maybe baby will fare better and truly be able to go home, wherever that will be, soon.

Good luck, and feel free to keep venting here.

[Anonymous]

This is getting trollier by the minute. I’m starting to think this was started by some bored teen or college student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Nothing all day except my last messages were variations of I promise it will be OK whatever happens

son is working 3 shifts in a row rn so I didn't expect to hear from him ... there was sort of a thing like "you will be distracted"(me) and "my worry is that I'll be so distracted I can't do my job"

Your son needs to stop hiding from the situation.
His job isn't that important right now.

OP here

It was a different situation before when she was just still pregnant

Now she’s delivering and that’s a moot point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is getting trollier by the minute. I’m starting to think this was started by some bored teen or college student.

OP here

If it makes you feel better, I wouldn’t believe it, either

I’m not sure whether it’s helpful for my state of mind to be watching videos of 33 week deliveries on YT or not

I had actually started to text him what he needs me to start getting off Amazon right now and then had to stop myself and delete it all and just say whatever you need I’m here for you.

We share the same apple account and I’m on my iPad right now, a call came in for him and I reversed the number. It’s a lawyer.

As recently as yesterday he was apparently talking with his older brother who lives in another country and he was on side of signing away his rights and choosing adoption, but I don’t know what her side is and obviously can’t ask.

Just have to sit here.

But now, I wouldn’t believe these last 5 days myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again

I was trying to just sit back and absorb and try not to interfere with things that are not my decision, and just told him I’d be here for whatever he needed when he needs me.

This all just started Wed night and today Tuesday he just texted me she’s delivering now at (kindly) approximately 33 weeks

Baby will need to stay in the NICU for at least a week

I have no more words, maybe they were both in such shock it caused her to go into preterm labor

His father has put him in contact with a lawyer. I don’t know what for yet. I just presume that he’s still in shock and doesn’t know how he feels about anything but it’s definitely about to get very real now.

I just hope that the actual presence of a live infant will help both of them decide where they are going to fall on all of this emotionally. I still don’t know how her mom & grandma feel about it or even if she’s told them.

He doesn’t want me to be there just now.

I imagine you never know until you’re actually there how it will all feel. I feel so helpless.

Wow, what a crazy few days for your family.

In case it might help, I’d caution that it is likely the baby will need to be in the nicu for much longer than a week. My son was born at 34 weeks, and I was told to anticipate he wld go home the week of his due date! He went home a week and a half after he was born, but this was an extremely short stay and when I was pregnant with my second (who luckily was carried to term), by OB reminded me that if I delivered at 34 weeks, to expect a month long nicu stay as that is far more common.

It’s also possible that the pregnancy is further along, as it’s hard to date pregnancies in the third trimester, so maybe baby will fare better and truly be able to go home, wherever that will be, soon.

Good luck, and feel free to keep venting here.

OP here

Hard to know also because there’s been no prenatal care this whole time, that must be another variable somewhere

I’m so afraid to speculate about anything right now or develop any feelings I don’t have any right to have for the time being

I don’t know whether to look up more or stop looking up anything at all

But the YT videos make me feel at least a little like I can sort of “be there” while also staying in the background and out of his way

His dad and stepmom may go to the hospital if he wants them there, his dad has privileges at the hospital but he and I don’t really talk. I have full faith though that if he wants his dad there, that his dad will be there.