Dear MILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

I feel sorry for your future DIL. Consider this, then - if you cause trouble in your son's marriage your will only be making your son unhappy. Divorce is horrible. Imagine now that your son and his wife have a child. If you succeed in interfering to where you cause a divorce, you will not only cause your own son pain, but leave your grandchild broken-hearted over the end of life as they know it. That makes you a selfish jerk.

Divorce is horrible? Come on now. People here talk about it being liberating. Less child care time more personal time. And kids are resilient, remember? A divorce would mean MIL gets a lot more time with her grandchild too without walking on eggshells around an unstable DIL.

lol yikes. Tell me you don’t give one shit about children without saying you don’t give one shit about children.

So, people should stay in bad marriages for the sake of the kids?

So confused how you read the above posts and that was your takeaway. Really bizarre and illogical thinking. But someone singing the praises and touting the wondrous benefits of divorce (none of which include a single thought about the children) but instead focus on things like more personal time away from your children is not someone I would want anywhere near children. Certainly not my own! That poster (probably you?) is pretty yuck and cringe.

Im not talking about my personal feelings but this board is extremely pro divorce and very quick to recommend it. Are you new here?

Poor you. No comprehension skills. This board is very pro divorce when there is abuse involved. I would not say this board is pro-divorce in the sense that everyone is always encouraging people to divorce so they have more time to drink wine with friends and have a spa day. Two loving involved parents living together in an abuse-free home is monumentally better for kids than parents getting divorced just so a nasty ass granny can paw the kids without mommy around, or so one parent has more free time. Disgusting.

It's your opinion that isolating a spouse and control their communication with their parents is not abuse.

So not wanting your spouse to keep marital issues private is abusive?

"my mother and i have always been very close. she's been my biggest supporter and the best person to turn to talk through problems. she always offers sound wisdom and never butts in, but lets me figure things out. my husband has declared i'm no longer allowed to talk with my mother about anything related to our lives, relationship, or children. He says these things are all private and I can't talk with her about how to juggle the logistics of two jobs and domestic chores, how to navigate the conflicts we have when we are both exhausted and stressed out from our new baby, or even discuss with her things i'm considering for our child's sleeping schedule or health issues. When i break any of his "rules" he gives me the silent treatment for days, punishes me by being nasty to my mom when she comes to visit, and generally makes our house so miserable that i regret ever talking to my mom about anything other than the weather.

Is this normal? Should I distance myself from my mother because my husband doesn't like me sharing anything with her? are we really supposed to pretend everything is always fine and keep all our challenges to ourselves, even when it comes to our families?"

yes. that is abusive

So you should say that your mom is a bigger supporter than your wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So women are also not allowed to talk with their own mothers about any of these topics? Not allowed to share how their households operate, what problems they're facing with division of labor or work hour logistics or anything else?

My MIL drives me crazy and i'll own that her questions feel nosy, but if i'm being honest with myself it's things I talk about with my own mom, so why in the world can't my husband talk about them with his mom?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

I feel sorry for your future DIL. Consider this, then - if you cause trouble in your son's marriage your will only be making your son unhappy. Divorce is horrible. Imagine now that your son and his wife have a child. If you succeed in interfering to where you cause a divorce, you will not only cause your own son pain, but leave your grandchild broken-hearted over the end of life as they know it. That makes you a selfish jerk.

Divorce is horrible? Come on now. People here talk about it being liberating. Less child care time more personal time. And kids are resilient, remember? A divorce would mean MIL gets a lot more time with her grandchild too without walking on eggshells around an unstable DIL.

lol yikes. Tell me you don’t give one shit about children without saying you don’t give one shit about children.

So, people should stay in bad marriages for the sake of the kids?

So confused how you read the above posts and that was your takeaway. Really bizarre and illogical thinking. But someone singing the praises and touting the wondrous benefits of divorce (none of which include a single thought about the children) but instead focus on things like more personal time away from your children is not someone I would want anywhere near children. Certainly not my own! That poster (probably you?) is pretty yuck and cringe.

Im not talking about my personal feelings but this board is extremely pro divorce and very quick to recommend it. Are you new here?

Poor you. No comprehension skills. This board is very pro divorce when there is abuse involved. I would not say this board is pro-divorce in the sense that everyone is always encouraging people to divorce so they have more time to drink wine with friends and have a spa day. Two loving involved parents living together in an abuse-free home is monumentally better for kids than parents getting divorced just so a nasty ass granny can paw the kids without mommy around, or so one parent has more free time. Disgusting.

It's your opinion that isolating a spouse and control their communication with their parents is not abuse.

So not wanting your spouse to keep marital issues private is abusive?

Being tired is a marital issue? And get real, women talk about their husbands to their moms often. It's a double standard.

So you think it’s ok for a man to bring his marital issues to his mother and involve her in his marriage and paint his wife in a bad light? So running to mommy instead of talking things with his wife?

What’s wrong with asking your husband to not complain or vent about you and go to an unbiased source.

Your husband should care about how this can affect your relationship with his mother.

Why would he want to create tension between his wife and mother or paint his wife in a bad light?

That’s mommas boy behavior.

Not the PP, but you can't really dictate what your husband talks about when you're not around. However, it is a bad idea for them to vent about wives to their mothers, and to share private information. My DH's over-sharing in that department has often caused trouble between me and his mother, and led to her becoming very intrusive and demanding and inserting herself where she doesn't belong. He learned his lesson after sharing my very personal and private medical information with her (related to a pregnancy) and then having to deal with the fallout of that. But a normal MIL, one hopes, would not be so invasive. Crazy ones like mine need to be left in the dark or you risk them turning into busy body nightmares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this was why I had two girls and a son. I know that even wonderful sons can abandon their parents and never visit or call. Dhs parents are lovely, he had a great childhood and doesn’t care to visit. I don’t understand it because he’s very family oriented. So moms of boys, just realize you might never see your sons again (or 2-3x a year) and it has zero to do with the DIL.

Your daughter may turn out to be gay, or trans. Then what will you do? The cow you raised for the sole purpose of fulfilling your needs and expectations won’t pan out.

-DIL whose SIL turned out to be a BIL, and MIL’s chokehold on feminine expectations has been a fascinating thing to watch implode

That would be fascinating to watch happen. Would you mind giving some details?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

I feel sorry for your future DIL. Consider this, then - if you cause trouble in your son's marriage your will only be making your son unhappy. Divorce is horrible. Imagine now that your son and his wife have a child. If you succeed in interfering to where you cause a divorce, you will not only cause your own son pain, but leave your grandchild broken-hearted over the end of life as they know it. That makes you a selfish jerk.

Divorce is horrible? Come on now. People here talk about it being liberating. Less child care time more personal time. And kids are resilient, remember? A divorce would mean MIL gets a lot more time with her grandchild too without walking on eggshells around an unstable DIL.

lol yikes. Tell me you don’t give one shit about children without saying you don’t give one shit about children.

So, people should stay in bad marriages for the sake of the kids?

So confused how you read the above posts and that was your takeaway. Really bizarre and illogical thinking. But someone singing the praises and touting the wondrous benefits of divorce (none of which include a single thought about the children) but instead focus on things like more personal time away from your children is not someone I would want anywhere near children. Certainly not my own! That poster (probably you?) is pretty yuck and cringe.

Im not talking about my personal feelings but this board is extremely pro divorce and very quick to recommend it. Are you new here?

Poor you. No comprehension skills. This board is very pro divorce when there is abuse involved. I would not say this board is pro-divorce in the sense that everyone is always encouraging people to divorce so they have more time to drink wine with friends and have a spa day. Two loving involved parents living together in an abuse-free home is monumentally better for kids than parents getting divorced just so a nasty ass granny can paw the kids without mommy around, or so one parent has more free time. Disgusting.

It's your opinion that isolating a spouse and control their communication with their parents is not abuse.

So not wanting your spouse to keep marital issues private is abusive?

Being tired is a marital issue? And get real, women talk about their husbands to their moms often. It's a double standard.

So you think it’s ok for a man to bring his marital issues to his mother and involve her in his marriage and paint his wife in a bad light? So running to mommy instead of talking things with his wife?

What’s wrong with asking your husband to not complain or vent about you and go to an unbiased source.

Your husband should care about how this can affect your relationship with his mother.

Why would he want to create tension between his wife and mother or paint his wife in a bad light?

That’s mommas boy behavior.

Not the PP, but you can't really dictate what your husband talks about when you're not around. However, it is a bad idea for them to vent about wives to their mothers, and to share private information. My DH's over-sharing in that department has often caused trouble between me and his mother, and led to her becoming very intrusive and demanding and inserting herself where she doesn't belong. He learned his lesson after sharing my very personal and private medical information with her (related to a pregnancy) and then having to deal with the fallout of that. But a normal MIL, one hopes, would not be so invasive. Crazy ones like mine need to be left in the dark or you risk them turning into busy body nightmares.

OP here. I definitely think you can’t dictate what your spouse talks about with his mother when you’re not around but also if you have a respectable husband that puts you first he wouldn’t put you in a position that paints you in a bad light in front of his mother because in turn that would effect the relationship between his mother and wife and it would be selfish of him to do that to his wife.

I will also say that there is a huge difference between a son telling or venting to his mom, “I have been having trouble adjusting to fatherhood” or asking for advice on how to handle parenthood then saying, “my wife is making me feel like I have to get up all night with the baby.” The former is a son venting to his mother about the general woes of life and the latter is him making his wife look bad or painting her in a bad light which again will in turn effect the relationship between his mother and his wife. Of course bear in the mind the mother is hearing only one side of it and besides instead of running and tattling on his wife to mommy these are issues he needs to keep within the marriage and address head on with his own wife.

Now it may be different if the MIL is emotionally mature enough to handle the information and vent without looking at the wife/her DIL in a negative light and looking at it objectively and be able to give her son his wife’s perspective but if the mil is not emotionally mature enough to handle the information given to her without looking down at her DIL, judging her harshly, or it effecting their relationship than it needs to be nipped in the bud.

Also again a mother is literally the most biased source there is so of course if her son/the wife’s husband is venting about his wife to his mother she will naturally “side” with his wife because a lot of MILs aren’t emotionally mature enough to look at things objectively they just see it as the “evil” wife is hurting their precious baby boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

I feel sorry for your future DIL. Consider this, then - if you cause trouble in your son's marriage your will only be making your son unhappy. Divorce is horrible. Imagine now that your son and his wife have a child. If you succeed in interfering to where you cause a divorce, you will not only cause your own son pain, but leave your grandchild broken-hearted over the end of life as they know it. That makes you a selfish jerk.

Divorce is horrible? Come on now. People here talk about it being liberating. Less child care time more personal time. And kids are resilient, remember? A divorce would mean MIL gets a lot more time with her grandchild too without walking on eggshells around an unstable DIL.

lol yikes. Tell me you don’t give one shit about children without saying you don’t give one shit about children.

So, people should stay in bad marriages for the sake of the kids?

So confused how you read the above posts and that was your takeaway. Really bizarre and illogical thinking. But someone singing the praises and touting the wondrous benefits of divorce (none of which include a single thought about the children) but instead focus on things like more personal time away from your children is not someone I would want anywhere near children. Certainly not my own! That poster (probably you?) is pretty yuck and cringe.

Im not talking about my personal feelings but this board is extremely pro divorce and very quick to recommend it. Are you new here?

Poor you. No comprehension skills. This board is very pro divorce when there is abuse involved. I would not say this board is pro-divorce in the sense that everyone is always encouraging people to divorce so they have more time to drink wine with friends and have a spa day. Two loving involved parents living together in an abuse-free home is monumentally better for kids than parents getting divorced just so a nasty ass granny can paw the kids without mommy around, or so one parent has more free time. Disgusting.

It's your opinion that isolating a spouse and control their communication with their parents is not abuse.

So not wanting your spouse to keep marital issues private is abusive?

Being tired is a marital issue? And get real, women talk about their husbands to their moms often. It's a double standard.

So you think it’s ok for a man to bring his marital issues to his mother and involve her in his marriage and paint his wife in a bad light? So running to mommy instead of talking things with his wife?

What’s wrong with asking your husband to not complain or vent about you and go to an unbiased source.

Your husband should care about how this can affect your relationship with his mother.

Why would he want to create tension between his wife and mother or paint his wife in a bad light?

That’s mommas boy behavior.

Not the PP, but you can't really dictate what your husband talks about when you're not around. However, it is a bad idea for them to vent about wives to their mothers, and to share private information. My DH's over-sharing in that department has often caused trouble between me and his mother, and led to her becoming very intrusive and demanding and inserting herself where she doesn't belong. He learned his lesson after sharing my very personal and private medical information with her (related to a pregnancy) and then having to deal with the fallout of that. But a normal MIL, one hopes, would not be so invasive. Crazy ones like mine need to be left in the dark or you risk them turning into busy body nightmares.

OP here. I definitely think you can’t dictate what your spouse talks about with his mother when you’re not around but also if you have a respectable husband that puts you first he wouldn’t put you in a position that paints you in a bad light in front of his mother because in turn that would effect the relationship between his mother and wife and it would be selfish of him to do that to his wife.

I will also say that there is a huge difference between a son telling or venting to his mom, “I have been having trouble adjusting to fatherhood” or asking for advice on how to handle parenthood then saying, “my wife is making me feel like I have to get up all night with the baby.” The former is a son venting to his mother about the general woes of life and the latter is him making his wife look bad or painting her in a bad light which again will in turn effect the relationship between his mother and his wife. Of course bear in the mind the mother is hearing only one side of it and besides instead of running and tattling on his wife to mommy these are issues he needs to keep within the marriage and address head on with his own wife.

Now it may be different if the MIL is emotionally mature enough to handle the information and vent without looking at the wife/her DIL in a negative light and looking at it objectively and be able to give her son his wife’s perspective but if the mil is not emotionally mature enough to handle the information given to her without looking down at her DIL, judging her harshly, or it effecting their relationship than it needs to be nipped in the bud.

Also again a mother is literally the most biased source there is so of course if her son/the wife’s husband is venting about his wife to his mother she will naturally “side” with his wife because a lot of MILs aren’t emotionally mature enough to look at things objectively they just see it as the “evil” wife is hurting their precious baby boy.

Is that what your DH told his mother, OP? Because if so, as usual, the MIL problem is actually a DH problem.

[Anonymous]

The bolded, I mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bolded, I mean.

I'm PP, not OP, but my MIL doesn't need DH to vent anything for her to infer the bolded. He could simply look tired, say he's tired, mention that having an infant is tiring, etc., and she'll turn that into "evil wife is hurting my precious baby boy." That's pretty much her mindset from the start. One can say it's always a DH problem if one thinks it's DH's job to protect the wife from the mother. But it's hard to say that all the time when DH is so clearly torn and struggling with his mom, being unable to stand up to her after a lifetime of emotional manipulation. Sure, it's a serious flaw, but most of us knew that when we married a momma's boy and we took them anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

I feel sorry for your future DIL. Consider this, then - if you cause trouble in your son's marriage your will only be making your son unhappy. Divorce is horrible. Imagine now that your son and his wife have a child. If you succeed in interfering to where you cause a divorce, you will not only cause your own son pain, but leave your grandchild broken-hearted over the end of life as they know it. That makes you a selfish jerk.

Divorce is horrible? Come on now. People here talk about it being liberating. Less child care time more personal time. And kids are resilient, remember? A divorce would mean MIL gets a lot more time with her grandchild too without walking on eggshells around an unstable DIL.

lol yikes. Tell me you don’t give one shit about children without saying you don’t give one shit about children.

So, people should stay in bad marriages for the sake of the kids?

So confused how you read the above posts and that was your takeaway. Really bizarre and illogical thinking. But someone singing the praises and touting the wondrous benefits of divorce (none of which include a single thought about the children) but instead focus on things like more personal time away from your children is not someone I would want anywhere near children. Certainly not my own! That poster (probably you?) is pretty yuck and cringe.

Im not talking about my personal feelings but this board is extremely pro divorce and very quick to recommend it. Are you new here?

Poor you. No comprehension skills. This board is very pro divorce when there is abuse involved. I would not say this board is pro-divorce in the sense that everyone is always encouraging people to divorce so they have more time to drink wine with friends and have a spa day. Two loving involved parents living together in an abuse-free home is monumentally better for kids than parents getting divorced just so a nasty ass granny can paw the kids without mommy around, or so one parent has more free time. Disgusting.

It's your opinion that isolating a spouse and control their communication with their parents is not abuse.

So not wanting your spouse to keep marital issues private is abusive?

Being tired is a marital issue? And get real, women talk about their husbands to their moms often. It's a double standard.

So you think it’s ok for a man to bring his marital issues to his mother and involve her in his marriage and paint his wife in a bad light? So running to mommy instead of talking things with his wife?

What’s wrong with asking your husband to not complain or vent about you and go to an unbiased source.

Your husband should care about how this can affect your relationship with his mother.

Why would he want to create tension between his wife and mother or paint his wife in a bad light?

That’s mommas boy behavior.

Not the PP, but you can't really dictate what your husband talks about when you're not around. However, it is a bad idea for them to vent about wives to their mothers, and to share private information. My DH's over-sharing in that department has often caused trouble between me and his mother, and led to her becoming very intrusive and demanding and inserting herself where she doesn't belong. He learned his lesson after sharing my very personal and private medical information with her (related to a pregnancy) and then having to deal with the fallout of that. But a normal MIL, one hopes, would not be so invasive. Crazy ones like mine need to be left in the dark or you risk them turning into busy body nightmares.

OP here. I definitely think you can’t dictate what your spouse talks about with his mother when you’re not around but also if you have a respectable husband that puts you first he wouldn’t put you in a position that paints you in a bad light in front of his mother because in turn that would effect the relationship between his mother and wife and it would be selfish of him to do that to his wife.

I will also say that there is a huge difference between a son telling or venting to his mom, “I have been having trouble adjusting to fatherhood” or asking for advice on how to handle parenthood then saying, “my wife is making me feel like I have to get up all night with the baby.” The former is a son venting to his mother about the general woes of life and the latter is him making his wife look bad or painting her in a bad light which again will in turn effect the relationship between his mother and his wife. Of course bear in the mind the mother is hearing only one side of it and besides instead of running and tattling on his wife to mommy these are issues he needs to keep within the marriage and address head on with his own wife.

Now it may be different if the MIL is emotionally mature enough to handle the information and vent without looking at the wife/her DIL in a negative light and looking at it objectively and be able to give her son his wife’s perspective but if the mil is not emotionally mature enough to handle the information given to her without looking down at her DIL, judging her harshly, or it effecting their relationship than it needs to be nipped in the bud.

Also again a mother is literally the most biased source there is so of course if her son/the wife’s husband is venting about his wife to his mother she will naturally “side” with his wife because a lot of MILs aren’t emotionally mature enough to look at things objectively they just see it as the “evil” wife is hurting their precious baby boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easier to follow if you just told us what happened this time OP.

We have a 4 month old son and MIL recently came to visit from 2 hours away and said her son looked really tired. And called him later on to question why he looks so tired almost as if we don’t have a freaking 4 month old child at home.

Again not her business. We alternate nights with the baby pretty much to a T. But again even if I was being “unfair” it’s still not my MIL’s business to go behind my back and hint around to her son to check up on him to make sure I’m “doing my job.”

Her son is a grown married man and a big boy with a mouth of his own. If there were issues he is more than capable of speaking to me himself. Not having mommy swooping in as super woman to try and protect him from being a father and save him from his evil unfair wife.

This isn’t the first time she has tried to pull this shit.

My husband did the right thing by telling her mom. “Yes of course I’m tired I have a 4 month year old son but so is OP and you don’t seem to care about her well being. Please stop questioning how things are done in our household I’m a big boy.” And she did stop but of course after saying, “I’m your mother I’m just looking out for you.”

Funny how she didn’t seem to notice or care after I was in labor for hours on end and when I was super sick during my pregnancy and she didn’t check up to see if her son was doing enough to help take care of me.

Which my husband was amazing through this whole thing.

OP, you must be very tired caring for a 4 month old. And I can see why this would be annoying. But your reaction seems outsized. Your husband handled it beautifully. Soon, you should counsel him to handle the situation as he did, but *not* report back the details to you. It does not sound like he needs your report and telling you these details brew unnecessary drama.

+100

I hope your all get some solid sleep soon OP. 4 months can be a rough stretch. Not saying MIL is perfect.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with a lot of what you said in your original post, but your example of his mom asking about how he is tired when you aren’t around? You are 100 percent over reacting. I imagine it’s your hormones and stress. There is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, wrong with a mother asking her son how it’s going, is he tired, etc etc and yes, that includes asking when you aren’t around. Given the tone of your posts, I really do get the feeling she couldn’t win either way and I suspect she is on eggshells around you and that’s why she didn’t ask about your rough pregnancy. Maybe you could try resetting the tone of your relationship by letting go of your animosity and focusing on the joy of this baby. Open up to your MIL, be friendly and warm, and ask questions about her day - I.e., treat her the way you would want to be treated. See if the dynamic between the two of you changes over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ is your mil allowed to talk to her own son when you aren’t in the room.

She was his mother for many years before you were his wife.

She didn’t cease to be his mother when you married him. She is allowed to show care for her own son in any way she damn well pleases.

About her aches and pains, social group, senior breakfasts? sure.

About me? No.

Trash-talking someone's spouse isn't care for them. It's catty betch bs. No excuses.

Nobody “trashed” op. The MIL just told her son he looked tired. He has a four month old, of course he is tired, but old people are so far removed from that experience they don’t really remember HOW tired a person gets with a baby, especially their first baby.

I remember my parents’ commentary was definitely clueless and less than helpful pretty much always. In fact, my kids are entering tween/teen years and my parents are still offering really annoying, unhelpful commentary and manufacturing problems that don’t actually exist. I let it roll off my back because they’re just words from clueless people who still love us.

And nothing about asking about someone’s tiredness implicates OP or a lack of care for OP. OP is making that assumption.

Guess what, if you lack grace and empathy you are always going to have trouble in relationships, especially complex relationships. There is a lot of ground between MIL considering someone an “incubator” (OP’s word) and simply understanding that yes, your MIL is always going to love their own baby more than they love you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about you. I loved my MIL but I didn’t expect really anything from her. I knew she loved DH and my kids more than me because duh of course she does. If she said something dumb I let it slide because I, a fellow human, also say dumb things sometimes. This facilitated a happy relationship. OP sounds exhausting, sorry OP.

OP here. Absolutely of course she is going to care more about her own son than me. But that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t check on me at all.

The woman is the one (not the man) who goes through the brunt of the issues during pregnancy and child birth. Not once did she ask about me. I think there is a fine line between treating me exactly like her son and not asking at all about me.

She could have asked is there anything you need from me. Brought over meal to help us out anything but she did and said nothing.

The incubator comment means that you are seen as nothing more than a person to produce and provide grand babies for you which is the way mil was acting because once the pregnancy got risky she didn’t ask about me the actual human carrying the child but she damn well was worried her grandchild couldn’t make it. So she can care about her son, grandchild, but not her DIL? Why because I’m not blood related?

Hence me being seen as an incubator. My pain and mental and physical anguish didn’t matter as long as that baby and her son were healthy.

But her son seems a little tired and she needs to suddenly inquire about it. I was tired to that day and in a lot of pain but she didn’t give two shits.

There has to be a middle ground. I don’t expect to be in the ladies inheritance but I think the least a mil can do is reach out to her DIl to ask how she is feeling and offer to help in a way that benefits BOTH her son and DIL. Without the DIl there would be no grandchild to speak of.

Have you tried talking to MIL directly about your relationship? Or are you both using DH as a go-between and damaging your own marriage in the process?

OP I understand that you are upset that your MIL has never really asked you how you are doing. That much is clear.

However, are you really sure of the reason she has not asked you? How do you know it is because she does not care? Could it be that she is worried that she may offend you? How do you know it is the former and not the latter? Only you know the history of your interactions and can think back to whether you have perhaps been testy or taken offense too easily towards MIL.

In any event this may be your built in dynamic. She may never ask about you or talk to you directly. You can let it bother you for the rest of her life, or you can find a way to accept her and be kind to her. Maybe she will be a really great grandma that your children love. Will you deprive them of that, or will you rise above it?

I will add that I, as a person, feel very uncomfortable about being seen as “prying” when someone has a medical issue. I have always been this way, and I can see how someone can interpret it as me not caring. I do care but I just have this inherent discomfort and if anyone asks me for help I am very reliable. Have you directly ever asked MIL for help?

You’re right I can’t have my husband be the go between for me and my mil. I have to address her directly. I think the reason it hurts is because we always had a great relationship and I expected more support from her as that’s what my friend’s MILs gave them. And then when she suddenly perked up and seemed concern when the child I was carrying may be at risk I felt like an incubator like my health doesn’t matter until it affects her grandchild not bearing in mind the mental and physical toll it takes on me. As a fellow woman I would expect more in that department.

Since she asked about her son who wasn’t going through a difficult pregnancy and asked about he unborn grandchild it is clear she shows love through asking about them so when she didn’t ask about me the one who was suffering the most at the time it left me wondering why isn’t that love extended to me when mil is clearly capable of it.

I think I have to address it with her head on or else it will fester.

Never ever compare your mother in law to another mother in law! That is just setting yourself up to be unhappy and you can’t ever really know the relationship those two women have.

Also, you can have a lovely relationship with your MIL and enjoy the shared love you have of your child even knowing that outside your husband, she wouldn’t be the type of woman you would choose as a friend. The expectations we have of a good friend especially in a rough pregnancy and labor are just…different than what you might get with a MIL. And that’s ok. You can love your mother in law and have a caring relationship and yet not be best friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree with a lot of what you said in your original post, but your example of his mom asking about how he is tired when you aren’t around? You are 100 percent over reacting. I imagine it’s your hormones and stress. There is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, wrong with a mother asking her son how it’s going, is he tired, etc etc and yes, that includes asking when you aren’t around. Given the tone of your posts, I really do get the feeling she couldn’t win either way and I suspect she is on eggshells around you and that’s why she didn’t ask about your rough pregnancy. Maybe you could try resetting the tone of your relationship by letting go of your animosity and focusing on the joy of this baby. Open up to your MIL, be friendly and warm, and ask questions about her day - I.e., treat her the way you would want to be treated. See if the dynamic between the two of you changes over time.

I guess I felt like she was with us all day then all of a sudden when I’m out of the room she decides to ask her son if he is tired etc..like she only wanted to hear from her son instead of asking how both moth and dad were adjusting to everything. Like she wanted to ask him separate from his wife. Like does she think he would tell his mother something he wouldn’t tell his own wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ is your mil allowed to talk to her own son when you aren’t in the room.

She was his mother for many years before you were his wife.

She didn’t cease to be his mother when you married him. She is allowed to show care for her own son in any way she damn well pleases.

About her aches and pains, social group, senior breakfasts? sure.

About me? No.

Trash-talking someone's spouse isn't care for them. It's catty betch bs. No excuses.

Nobody “trashed” op. The MIL just told her son he looked tired. He has a four month old, of course he is tired, but old people are so far removed from that experience they don’t really remember HOW tired a person gets with a baby, especially their first baby.

I remember my parents’ commentary was definitely clueless and less than helpful pretty much always. In fact, my kids are entering tween/teen years and my parents are still offering really annoying, unhelpful commentary and manufacturing problems that don’t actually exist. I let it roll off my back because they’re just words from clueless people who still love us.

And nothing about asking about someone’s tiredness implicates OP or a lack of care for OP. OP is making that assumption.

Guess what, if you lack grace and empathy you are always going to have trouble in relationships, especially complex relationships. There is a lot of ground between MIL considering someone an “incubator” (OP’s word) and simply understanding that yes, your MIL is always going to love their own baby more than they love you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about you. I loved my MIL but I didn’t expect really anything from her. I knew she loved DH and my kids more than me because duh of course she does. If she said something dumb I let it slide because I, a fellow human, also say dumb things sometimes. This facilitated a happy relationship. OP sounds exhausting, sorry OP.

OP here. Absolutely of course she is going to care more about her own son than me. But that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t check on me at all.

The woman is the one (not the man) who goes through the brunt of the issues during pregnancy and child birth. Not once did she ask about me. I think there is a fine line between treating me exactly like her son and not asking at all about me.

She could have asked is there anything you need from me. Brought over meal to help us out anything but she did and said nothing.

The incubator comment means that you are seen as nothing more than a person to produce and provide grand babies for you which is the way mil was acting because once the pregnancy got risky she didn’t ask about me the actual human carrying the child but she damn well was worried her grandchild couldn’t make it. So she can care about her son, grandchild, but not her DIL? Why because I’m not blood related?

Hence me being seen as an incubator. My pain and mental and physical anguish didn’t matter as long as that baby and her son were healthy.

But her son seems a little tired and she needs to suddenly inquire about it. I was tired to that day and in a lot of pain but she didn’t give two shits.

There has to be a middle ground. I don’t expect to be in the ladies inheritance but I think the least a mil can do is reach out to her DIl to ask how she is feeling and offer to help in a way that benefits BOTH her son and DIL. Without the DIl there would be no grandchild to speak of.

Have you tried talking to MIL directly about your relationship? Or are you both using DH as a go-between and damaging your own marriage in the process?

OP I understand that you are upset that your MIL has never really asked you how you are doing. That much is clear.

However, are you really sure of the reason she has not asked you? How do you know it is because she does not care? Could it be that she is worried that she may offend you? How do you know it is the former and not the latter? Only you know the history of your interactions and can think back to whether you have perhaps been testy or taken offense too easily towards MIL.

In any event this may be your built in dynamic. She may never ask about you or talk to you directly. You can let it bother you for the rest of her life, or you can find a way to accept her and be kind to her. Maybe she will be a really great grandma that your children love. Will you deprive them of that, or will you rise above it?

I will add that I, as a person, feel very uncomfortable about being seen as “prying” when someone has a medical issue. I have always been this way, and I can see how someone can interpret it as me not caring. I do care but I just have this inherent discomfort and if anyone asks me for help I am very reliable. Have you directly ever asked MIL for help?

You’re right I can’t have my husband be the go between for me and my mil. I have to address her directly. I think the reason it hurts is because we always had a great relationship and I expected more support from her as that’s what my friend’s MILs gave them. And then when she suddenly perked up and seemed concern when the child I was carrying may be at risk I felt like an incubator like my health doesn’t matter until it affects her grandchild not bearing in mind the mental and physical toll it takes on me. As a fellow woman I would expect more in that department.

Since she asked about her son who wasn’t going through a difficult pregnancy and asked about he unborn grandchild it is clear she shows love through asking about them so when she didn’t ask about me the one who was suffering the most at the time it left me wondering why isn’t that love extended to me when mil is clearly capable of it.

I think I have to address it with her head on or else it will fester.

Never ever compare your mother in law to another mother in law! That is just setting yourself up to be unhappy and you can’t ever really know the relationship those two women have.

Also, you can have a lovely relationship with your MIL and enjoy the shared love you have of your child even knowing that outside your husband, she wouldn’t be the type of woman you would choose as a friend. The expectations we have of a good friend especially in a rough pregnancy and labor are just…different than what you might get with a MIL. And that’s ok. You can love your mother in law and have a caring relationship and yet not be best friends.

If anything I would think the expectation you would have when going through a tough time should be higher with a family member than a friend.

[Anonymous]

Mothers will be protective about their sons. I can see why your MIL has it out for you.