Can't wait to change my surname, but notice many women keeping theirs, is there a reason for this trend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you either take a man’s name (your husband) or keep a man’s name (your father’s or grandfather’s).

And then it becomes your name and if you want you hand it down to your kids they get the name from their mother.

In reality no one has "their own last name" - it's the name of someone else unless they made up a new last name. Right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I laugh at all these women who change their names.

Then they are carrying around a name of a man that despise after they divorce.

Married 40 years and never changed my name. Kids have my last name as their middle name.





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While your personal experience and your sister's are interesting, they're not the whole picture. Most women, about 85%, still choose to take their husband's last name. And about that idea that taking a last name increases the chances of divorce? Actually, studies don't back that up. In fact, there's no solid evidence saying that taking a husband's last name affects the likelihood of divorce at all. Each couple's situation is unique, and the decision to change a name or not varies based on many factors, not just the stability of the marriage. So, while your choice to keep your maiden name worked for you, others find different value in sharing a last name.

I'm so happy not to be average! My whole social circle too!

The 85% stood out to me because it is so different from my experience. I'm a millennial and know maybe 2 or 3 women total who changed their last name out of all of my friends from childhood and college. Largely UMC and graduate level education, which I suspected was a factor.

I was curious so I looked it up and found this from a recent CNN article/PEW research: https://www.cnn.com/2023/09/07/health/women-change-names-marriage-wellness/index.html
"About 9% of women ages 50 and older said they kept their last name, in comparison with 20% of women between 18 and 49, the survey showed. And 26% of women with a postgraduate degree said they kept theirs."

I kept my name and am in academia. I suspect it may be even more common to keep your name once you have a real publication record. FWIW our children have my husband's name and it has never been an issue.

[Anonymous]

Hold on just a second -- what was that number again? Was it 85%, by chance? I can't remember.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the title says: I'm getting married in a few days in it hasn't crossed my mind to keep my surname. We're going to start a family and I'd love all of us to have the same surname, as we're playing for the same team. My soon to be husband is ecstatic as well that I'm taking his surname. I was aware that women with fancy careers or with research published under their names kept their surnames at higher rates as they had build a name under their maiden surname. However, I started noticing a similar trend among women with less public careers and even homemakers who I know for a fact are married. I can't imagine having a different surname than my children, but it looks like some women see nothing wrong with this. Is there a reason for this? Doesn't it cause problems the road? Just asking out of curiosity.

As someone who divorced, it's so annoying to have to change your name back. It just adds to the frustration of the situation and makes me feel like I changed my name for nothing and am going back to being a young adult again or something. It also makes it hard to date again keeping your ex's last name. I wish I had just kept my name. Maybe hyphenated it. You can still be part of "insert family last name" and not have that be your last name. No one cares anymore.

Totally disagree with your last two sentences. My friends and family absolutely lose their minds if you call them the Miller family if they didn’t change their names. They want to be Jennifer Jones and the Miller family I guess? Or Jennifer Jones, Matt Miller, and family. Actually I’ve been told different ways they want to be referred to by different people. It really makes Christmas cards hard.

Wut? How hard is it to write "Jones Miller Family" or "Miller Jones Family"??? You find that really hard?? LOL

Does it make you irritated or mad when you get an Xmas card from the Miller Jones family, which is how I send out our printed family cards from me, Ms. Jones, and DH, Mr. Miller? Ah well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my new wife wouldn't change her name I knew the marriage would end in divorce. I should have done it sooner, rather than wait 20 years.

So you have had the divorce in mind since you signed your marriage certificate? But it is her fault things didn’t work out?

Ha. My sister changed her name because she wanted to have the same name as her kids like the OP. The marriage ended in divorce. She changed back to her maiden name. She has two daughters and if they change their names upon marriage, there will be yet another surname or two.

I didn't change my name. We're coming up on our 30th anniversary.

Got it, let's break it down. Your story and your sister's are definitely interesting, but they're individual experiences. When we zoom out and look at what most people are doing, it's a different picture. A big survey by Pew Research Center found that around 85% of women are taking their husband's last name. So, while you and your sister made your own choices, most folks are still going for the name change.

Everyone's got their reasons, right? Some want the same name as their kids, some don't want to change their professional name, and so on. But overall, most women are still choosing to go with their husband's last name. It's cool to have different stories, but the big trend is still leaning towards name-taking.

My parents taught us never to do something just because everyone else was doing it. Great lesson to learn. I am happy not to be on trend! Definitely cool to be different and be set apart from the pack. I am teaching my own kids the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I laugh at all these women who change their names.

Then they are carrying around a name of a man that despise after they divorce.

Married 40 years and never changed my name. Kids have my last name as their middle name.





.

While your personal experience and your sister's are interesting, they're not the whole picture. Most women, about 85%, still choose to take their husband's last name. And about that idea that taking a last name increases the chances of divorce? Actually, studies don't back that up. In fact, there's no solid evidence saying that taking a husband's last name affects the likelihood of divorce at all. Each couple's situation is unique, and the decision to change a name or not varies based on many factors, not just the stability of the marriage. So, while your choice to keep your maiden name worked for you, others find different value in sharing a last name.

I'm so happy not to be average! My whole social circle too!

The 85% stood out to me because it is so different from my experience. I'm a millennial and know maybe 2 or 3 women total who changed their last name out of all of my friends from childhood and college. Largely UMC and graduate level education, which I suspected was a factor.

I was curious so I looked it up and found this from a recent CNN article/PEW research: https://www.cnn.com/2023/09/07/health/women-change-names-marriage-wellness/index.html
"About 9% of women ages 50 and older said they kept their last name, in comparison with 20% of women between 18 and 49, the survey showed. And 26% of women with a postgraduate degree said they kept theirs."

I kept my name and am in academia. I suspect it may be even more common to keep your name once you have a real publication record. FWIW our children have my husband's name and it has never been an issue.

I understand that your personal experiences and social circle, including friends in academia, may have a more liberal and feminist leaning. This perspective is important and contributes to a diverse range of viewpoints. However, it's crucial to recognize that your specific demographic may not be representative of the broader population, especially when considering naming practices.

The 85% statistic, while a widely cited figure, reflects a general trend in the United States, where naming choices can be influenced by various factors, including cultural norms, individual values, and regional differences. Your observations within your more liberal and academic social circle are certainly valid, but they may not align with the overall statistical trend.

Ultimately, the decision to change or keep one's last name is a deeply personal one, and it can vary widely across different demographics and regions. Your insights are valuable in highlighting the diversity of perspectives on this issue.

[Anonymous]

I changed my name because I wanted to have the same name as my children and wanted to be part of the same team as my husband. It seems weird to me when a woman doesn't change her name. It's like she's married but with a foot out of the marriage. It also seems to be disrespectful to her husband. I bet if they married someone they looked up to they would have changed their surname.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I changed my name because I wanted to have the same name as my children and wanted to be part of the same team as my husband. It seems weird to me when a woman doesn't change her name. It's like she's married but with a foot out of the marriage. It also seems to be disrespectful to her husband. I bet if they married someone they looked up to they would have changed their surname.

I changed my name because I wanted to have the same name as my children and wanted to be part of the same team as my wife. It seems weird to me when a man doesn't change his name. It's like he's married but with a foot out of the marriage. It also seems to be disrespectful to his wife. I bet if he married someone he looked up to he would have changed his name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I changed my name because I wanted to have the same name as my children and wanted to be part of the same team as my husband. It seems weird to me when a woman doesn't change her name. It's like she's married but with a foot out of the marriage. It also seems to be disrespectful to her husband. I bet if they married someone they looked up to they would have changed their surname.

I changed my name because I wanted to have the same name as my children and wanted to be part of the same team as my wife. It seems weird to me when a man doesn't change his name. It's like he's married but with a foot out of the marriage. It also seems to be disrespectful to his wife. I bet if he married someone he looked up to he would have changed his name.

I see what you did there. It's almost as you think that men and women are interchangeable. They're not. We're pretty egalitarian, but they play different roles in the courting process and marriage as well. Men choose a woman to marry, they buy her a ring, provide for her so being appreciative and taking his last name is the least thing you could do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I changed my name because I wanted to have the same name as my children and wanted to be part of the same team as my husband. It seems weird to me when a woman doesn't change her name. It's like she's married but with a foot out of the marriage. It also seems to be disrespectful to her husband. I bet if they married someone they looked up to they would have changed their surname.

I changed my name because I wanted to have the same name as my children and wanted to be part of the same team as my wife. It seems weird to me when a man doesn't change his name. It's like he's married but with a foot out of the marriage. It also seems to be disrespectful to his wife. I bet if he married someone he looked up to he would have changed his name.

I see what you did there. It's almost as you think that men and women are interchangeable. They're not. We're pretty egalitarian, but they play different roles in the courting process and marriage as well. Men choose a woman to marry, they buy her a ring, provide for her so being appreciative and taking his last name is the least thing you could do.

Men don't choose to marry a woman. The man and the woman choose each other. Women who expect rings and to be provided but don't want to play a traditional role are hypocrites, but this isn't the case with all women. We didn't do rings, I didn't take his name and he doesn't provide for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I changed my name because I wanted to have the same name as my children and wanted to be part of the same team as my husband. It seems weird to me when a woman doesn't change her name. It's like she's married but with a foot out of the marriage. It also seems to be disrespectful to her husband. I bet if they married someone they looked up to they would have changed their surname.

Give your children your last name if having the same surname is so important. You did all the work! Most men don’t feel the same and will happily keep a different name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I changed my name because I wanted to have the same name as my children and wanted to be part of the same team as my husband. It seems weird to me when a woman doesn't change her name. It's like she's married but with a foot out of the marriage. It also seems to be disrespectful to her husband. I bet if they married someone they looked up to they would have changed their surname.

Give your children your last name if having the same surname is so important. You did all the work! Most men don’t feel the same and will happily keep a different name.

This is false

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A trend? Most of my friends did not take their husband’s names 20-30 years ago.

It's important not to be deceived by a small sample like your friend group. The overall trend, backed by stats, shows a different story. About 85% of women in recent years have taken their husband's last name. This trend indicates a strong cultural norm and practical ease in adopting the husband's surname, even in more liberal areas like DC. The DCUrbanMom forum might have a vocal left-leaning voice, but it doesn't fully represent the wider societal views, which clearly favor name-taking.

Fair enough but my point was that it's not new. That was how I interpreted her use of "trend."

I'll add that the women I knew who did change their names had issues with their fathers, and didn't want to be associated with his name anymore. It's good to be able to do what you want!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I changed my name because I wanted to have the same name as my children and wanted to be part of the same team as my husband. It seems weird to me when a woman doesn't change her name. It's like she's married but with a foot out of the marriage. It also seems to be disrespectful to her husband. I bet if they married someone they looked up to they would have changed their surname.

That is complete crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I changed my name because I wanted to have the same name as my children and wanted to be part of the same team as my husband. It seems weird to me when a woman doesn't change her name. It's like she's married but with a foot out of the marriage. It also seems to be disrespectful to her husband. I bet if they married someone they looked up to they would have changed their surname.

I changed my name because I wanted to have the same name as my children and wanted to be part of the same team as my wife. It seems weird to me when a man doesn't change his name. It's like he's married but with a foot out of the marriage. It also seems to be disrespectful to his wife. I bet if he married someone he looked up to he would have changed his name.

I see what you did there. It's almost as you think that men and women are interchangeable. They're not. We're pretty egalitarian, but they play different roles in the courting process and marriage as well. Men choose a woman to marry, they buy her a ring, provide for her so being appreciative and taking his last name is the least thing you could do.

Many women are equal earners and not “provided for”—please go back to 1950.