Husbands with SAHMs that prefer they work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, I'm sure kids are appreciative of having a parent dedicated to the home and their needs. But my kids are proud of having a mom who is accomplished outside of the home and are happy to have a nice home jointly run by mom and dad. Whatever works for your family!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, for one, learned a tremendous amount from my DC's preschool teachers. Because they have degrees in child development, unlike myself!

And many of us prefer to learn about our children and their needs by actually raising them. So- sounds like everyone's happy!

so it's okay to not "actually raise" your children if you outsource that job to your spouse, instead of a paid caregiver? What about another family member?

I don't know. I'm not the pp mom who thinks other people are more qualified than her to raise her kids because they work at a daycare. I know I'm more educated, patient, well traveled and engaging than an hourly worker- because I'm their mom.

And you WANT to SAH.

[Anonymous]

Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Here is what I don't understand.

1st... the question was for parents with kids in school
2nd... you are thankful the kids are raised by your wife not somebody else... less educated... what about teachers, teachers aids, etc... is that okay or is she going to homeschool. I have never seen a local daycare without workers that have years of experience or a college education.
3rd... what if the house was not clean, she did not cook and she had depression... then what would you do?
4th... i get that you don't want to have any responsibilities at home, that makes it easy on you, if she wanted to go back would you take on 1/2 the household duties or would you say... go for it but it is up to you to take care of these things since you are not interested
5th... how many hours a day do you see your kids, what time do you get home and what time do they go to bed... does bonding with them disinterest you? Do you think an hour here or there is enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, for one, learned a tremendous amount from my DC's preschool teachers. Because they have degrees in child development, unlike myself!

And many of us prefer to learn about our children and their needs by actually raising them. So- sounds like everyone's happy!

Do you raise them, PP, or is that solely your wife's job? Is she your equal partner or do you, with your "millions," call all the shots in family decision-making?

I'm the wife and I'm the one with the millions. Regardless we are joint partners and because I SAH and he works from home he is able to spend even more time with the kids than if I worked a job I don't need to impress DCUM.

Why does your husband even need to work if you have millions? Wouldn't it be better for your children to have both parents SAH?

My prenup protects my trust. He'd be stupid to not work/have retirement savings/benefits etc.

[Anonymous]

Would you have the same commitment to SAH if you didn't have the comfort of a trust fund?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Ahhh ... the irony.

How is that ironic? Do you think it is immoral that I'd rather have my children spend their formative years being cared for by someone who loves them deeply, is extremely well educated and intelligent, and thoughtful? If you need two working parents to get by, then so be it. But if you think that your children get care as good from their preschool or the nanny you found from some website or listserv, that either speaks to your delusion or the lack of better options at home.

Immoral? Nah, just elitist and myopic. It's not about money – I guarantee I could buy and sell you. It is the idea that someone who is not been afforded the same educational and life opportunities as you and your wife - and gasp! May be a different race – is somehow ill-equipped to teach morals and worldly behavior. Unless the worldview you want to promote is "don't let those poor brown hands touch my kid!"

Someone calling someone elitist while simultaneously saying "I could buy and sell you". If you represent working women I'm glad to be on the intelligent other side.

Deserved response to "if you need two incomes to get by, so be it."

What a loser.

Why is that a deserved response to the two-income comment? (That was my comment, by the way.) I'm just saying that if you need to have all parents work to stay afloat, that needs to be respected. If both parents just want to work rather than having one stay home with kids, just be honest about the realities of the child care situation.

As for elitist and myopic, again, how so? Daycares -- and we have occasionally sent our kids to relatively very good ones -- are at best just entertaining the kids and keeping them from hurting themselves. There are too many kids for real, individualized attention, and frankly, the "teachers" rarely seem very smart or thoughtful. Certainly not as smart or thoughtful as my wife, and certainly do not love my kids as much or care as much about their development as people. Again, I'm sure it is fine, but it is clearly a step down. Let's just be honest about this. I think a lot of the working moms here feel guilty and lash out at any suggestion that the kids are receiving subpar care.

The whole thread is about resentment though. And the point is, why resent someone who is willing to stay home with kids and take care of the household?

Please don't resent my husband, even though he has a wife with her own career and life, and mutually agreed on great childcare with her. Our kids are too old now for childcare, and I'm so glad I didn't waste my potential SAH. And we have millions, too, so no, we didn't continue working just for the money. Kids do not need parental care 24/7 to be "optimized" as people; I do not at all agree that sharing childcare with paid caregivers is "clearly a step down."

I'm the original previous poster you're quoting -- of course "[k]ids do not need parental care 24/7 to be 'optimized' as people." That is a straw man. But if you are working a full time job, we are talking about putting little kids -- babies even -- in the care of someone else during the vast majority of their waking hours. That is not "sharing childcare with paid caregivers." That is having someone else -- a stranger -- raise your children. And in my observation, that stranger typically doesn't love your child as much as a parent, and is not as well educated or thoughtful. If you believe that that is as good as having a parent raise the child, you are either delusional or have little confidence if the abilities of the parents to raise children.

And in light of that, to brag about the fact that you worked and had your children raised by others despite "hav[ing] millions," seems particularly selfish. But that is your decision to make, obviously.

I'll step in here and say what we're all thinking. Dude, stop! Yes your lovely and "thoughtful" and well-educated wife – maybe she's the PhD SAH mom upthread? – Works for you. We get it. Thou dost protest / defend too much and all that. Some of us do not believe that loving a child the most makes one the best full time caregiver for that child, all things considered. Different strokes.

And FWIW I think you sound like an elitist asshole who's backtracking, also. You're probably ugly, out of shape and balding away in your associate office. We all know the type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you have the same commitment to SAH if you didn't have the comfort of a trust fund?

With my kids before school age? Absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Please don't resent my husband, even though he has a wife with her own career and life, and mutually agreed on great childcare with her. Our kids are too old now for childcare, and I'm so glad I didn't waste my potential SAH. And we have millions, too, so no, we didn't continue working just for the money. Kids do not need parental care 24/7 to be "optimized" as people; I do not at all agree that sharing childcare with paid caregivers is "clearly a step down."

I'm the original previous poster you're quoting -- of course "[k]ids do not need parental care 24/7 to be 'optimized' as people." That is a straw man. But if you are working a full time job, we are talking about putting little kids -- babies even -- in the care of someone else during the vast majority of their waking hours. That is not "sharing childcare with paid caregivers." That is having someone else -- a stranger -- raise your children. And in my observation, that stranger typically doesn't love your child as much as a parent, and is not as well educated or thoughtful. If you believe that that is as good as having a parent raise the child, you are either delusional or have little confidence if the abilities of the parents to raise children.

And in light of that, to brag about the fact that you worked and had your children raised by others despite "hav[ing] millions," seems particularly selfish. But that is your decision to make, obviously.

So it's okay for you, as a man with a SAHW, to pursue career and other personal goals for 40+ hours a week, because your spouse is the caregiver? That's how you satisfy yourself that your kids don't need more of you?

I am also guessing your 3 children are young. My youngest is 14, and so I can see how my relationship with them is going to turn out, or glimmers of it. Despite using 50 hours a week of paid childcare for more than 8 consecutive years, my kids are turning into fabulous people with good interpersonal relationships.

I'd be happy to spend more time with my kids and my wife. One of us has to work though, and we chose me. Obviously, if my wife worked full time outside of the house, we would barely have any parent time with the kids. Given how little time kids are awake and engaged at a young age, it seems crazy to have the vast majority of that time go to daycare workers, nannies, whatever. That just seems wrong to me, but if your kids are "fabulous people," then I guess it worked out just fine for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Good for you! If people can afford it, it's the best way to go. Unfortunately some can't and are resentful, some on this board obviously.

I worked on and off but was able to stay home, loved it. Great meals made every day, house clean, bills paid, happy marriage years later.

I'd be bored to death making great meals every day and cleaning house. I don't need to SAH to pay bills.

Thankfully most have choices. I was always bored at the jobs I had, so each to their own.

As for daycare, that always depends on who you get. If you treat them like a paid worker, lol...then you'll have a paid worker for your child. On the other side of the coin I've seen the sitter that is much better then the parent.

[Anonymous]

Right, because my job in finance was NEVER boring.

Believe me, an interesting person will fill her days in interesting ways.

[Anonymous]

It's all fun and games until breadwinner DH wants a younger, perkier wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Here is what I don't understand.

1st... the question was for parents with kids in school
2nd... you are thankful the kids are raised by your wife not somebody else... less educated... what about teachers, teachers aids, etc... is that okay or is she going to homeschool. I have never seen a local daycare without workers that have years of experience or a college education.
3rd... what if the house was not clean, she did not cook and she had depression... then what would you do?
4th... i get that you don't want to have any responsibilities at home, that makes it easy on you, if she wanted to go back would you take on 1/2 the household duties or would you say... go for it but it is up to you to take care of these things since you are not interested
5th... how many hours a day do you see your kids, what time do you get home and what time do they go to bed... does bonding with them disinterest you? Do you think an hour here or there is enough?

1. no, that was not the quest

2. I think kids needs change over time, but I do believe that in the early years, kids spend too much time at school. But no, we aren't home schooling.

3. Get her the help she needs.

4. I wouldn't expect that she'd do all the household work in addition to working full time. That's crazy.

5. I don't see my kids that much -- about an hour or two in the morning and an hour or two at night, depending on the day. I'd like to spend more time with them during the week, but it's just not possible with a full time work schedule. I'm thankful that they have more time with their mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's all fun and games until breadwinner DH wants a younger, perkier wife.

And that never happens to working women ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's all fun and games until breadwinner DH wants a younger, perkier wife.

Thanks to staying home I'm in the best shape of my life at 40. Maybe you're prematurely ageying from trying to juggle ft work and kids- but I look fantastic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's all fun and games until breadwinner DH wants a younger, perkier wife.

And that never happens to working women ?

Of course it does, but those women have not lost the ability to support themselves, and they might be able to afford to buy DH out of his half of the home etc.