Husbands with SAHMs that prefer they work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Good for you! If people can afford it, it's the best way to go. Unfortunately some can't and are resentful, some on this board obviously.

I worked on and off but was able to stay home, loved it. Great meals made every day, house clean, bills paid, happy marriage years later.

Thanks! I agree that people seem resentful, and I can see why. So far, this has been a great decision, and I just wanted to add another side to the story -- that at least one working spouse really appreciates the contribution of a stay-at-home spouse and feels that the household is much better off for it. I guess the point was derailed by my comments about childcare.

I'm glad your spouse is appreciative. My husband told me early on that he never wanted the stress of being the sole breadwinner, and I never wanted to SAH, so he and I appreciate each other as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

I call complete BS that this is a man writing this. This is the woman writing about herself. hahahahahahaha

Nope, my DH commonly says this to me and I have overheard him telling our parents the same thing. Life is good. We feel lucky it's an option for us, but we're both fulfilled and satisfied. Now, when all the kids are in school, I'll get back into the workforce (and I actually will have an easy time doing this) and be able to spend more time on my interests again, but for now life is pie.

Will you need childcare once you go back in the workforce, or will you only work during the school year, during days and hours school is in session?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances would any woman allow a man to not work for 5+ years without small or special needs kids to deal with. If the roles were reverses most of you would utterly without pity.

And under no circumstances do men give birth and care for babies.

+1 million. It's your body that gets ruined, not theirs. It's a shame how we have grown to devalue women for anything but a paycheck.

Speak for yourself. I'm 51 and my girls still pass the pencil test after 2 kids.

Then you don't have much on top. If you are anything above a small B, have had children and breastfed them it is unlikely you'll past the test.... unless you are standing on your head while taking the test, haha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, for one, learned a tremendous amount from my DC's preschool teachers. Because they have degrees in child development, unlike myself!

And many of us prefer to learn about our children and their needs by actually raising them. So- sounds like everyone's happy!

Do you raise them, PP, or is that solely your wife's job? Is she your equal partner or do you, with your "millions," call all the shots in family decision-making?

I'm the wife and I'm the one with the millions. Regardless we are joint partners and because I SAH and he works from home he is able to spend even more time with the kids than if I worked a job I don't need to impress DCUM.

Why does your husband even need to work if you have millions? Wouldn't it be better for your children to have both parents SAH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to teens and tweens. I have a few advanced degrees and never thought i'd be in this situation. I always thought "what the hell do these women DO all day long?". I've intended to go back for years. But the truth of the matter is that I don't know where to begin. I've been out of the workforce for 15+ years. It's a completely different world out there. I didn't keep in touch with old colleagues. Also, my children are very active in sports - they all play at least one, up to three travel/select sports, plus high school sports each season. I start driving children around at 4:15pm and conclude around 10pm, every single day. I'm sometimes in my car up to 6 hours a night. I can't imagine doing that after a full day of work. Not to mention all of the things that people who work during the week do on the weekends, I can't do. Dry cleaning, grocery store, hardware store, Target, whatever.... I'm usually at a gym/field/court/etc. And that is sometimes 6am-8pm. Could my kids cut back on activities, sure. But if I'm home, they don't need to.

I think may be some resentment , financially, but I also thing that my husband knows the reality is that our household would be a disaster if I worked. AND he'd have to do a LOT more. I get up at 6am every day to make lunches, walk the dogs, etc. If I was working the same hours he was, we'd be sharing that responsibility. I take the kids to school every day - again, he'd have to pitch in on that. Grocery shopping - yep. Carpool - again, yes. I think he does understand that and appreciates it.

I think it sucks on many levels but it is where we are at right now, and I don't really know how to change it.

So, what is your DH doing while you're driving kids around all evening? Staying at home with the other kids? Coming with (so basically he's driving the kids around too?) What is he subject to after his Full day of work? A house that's vacuumed, but a wife who won't be home until 10pm? Doesn't sound like a happy situation to me.

Working. He travels for work often and when he doesn't, he works until at least 8:00pm. Gets home around 8:30 at the earliest. He will pick up a child if he's in town and there is a practice that he can get to.

I should also note that I don't cook or clean that often. We have cleaning help. I cook, but it's not the greatest food because if you aren't home around dinner time, it's kind of hard to make dinner.

So I guess my job is to be a chauffeur from the hours of 4-9, and do the errand of the household during other hours.

Aren't you glad you got a degree to be a chauffeur and errand runner? Sounds fulfilling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances would any woman allow a man to not work for 5+ years without small or special needs kids to deal with. If the roles were reverses most of you would utterly without pity.

And under no circumstances do men give birth and care for babies.

+1 million. It's your body that gets ruined, not theirs. It's a shame how we have grown to devalue women for anything but a paycheck.

Speak for yourself. I'm 51 and my girls still pass the pencil test after 2 kids.

Then you don't have much on top. If you are anything above a small B, have had children and breastfed them it is unlikely you'll past the test.... unless you are standing on your head while taking the test, haha.

I breastfed both my children, and went from a B to a C cup after being pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to teens and tweens. I have a few advanced degrees and never thought i'd be in this situation. I always thought "what the hell do these women DO all day long?". I've intended to go back for years. But the truth of the matter is that I don't know where to begin. I've been out of the workforce for 15+ years. It's a completely different world out there. I didn't keep in touch with old colleagues. Also, my children are very active in sports - they all play at least one, up to three travel/select sports, plus high school sports each season. I start driving children around at 4:15pm and conclude around 10pm, every single day. I'm sometimes in my car up to 6 hours a night. I can't imagine doing that after a full day of work. Not to mention all of the things that people who work during the week do on the weekends, I can't do. Dry cleaning, grocery store, hardware store, Target, whatever.... I'm usually at a gym/field/court/etc. And that is sometimes 6am-8pm. Could my kids cut back on activities, sure. But if I'm home, they don't need to.

I think may be some resentment , financially, but I also thing that my husband knows the reality is that our household would be a disaster if I worked. AND he'd have to do a LOT more. I get up at 6am every day to make lunches, walk the dogs, etc. If I was working the same hours he was, we'd be sharing that responsibility. I take the kids to school every day - again, he'd have to pitch in on that. Grocery shopping - yep. Carpool - again, yes. I think he does understand that and appreciates it.

I think it sucks on many levels but it is where we are at right now, and I don't really know how to change it.

So, what is your DH doing while you're driving kids around all evening? Staying at home with the other kids? Coming with (so basically he's driving the kids around too?) What is he subject to after his Full day of work? A house that's vacuumed, but a wife who won't be home until 10pm? Doesn't sound like a happy situation to me.

Working. He travels for work often and when he doesn't, he works until at least 8:00pm. Gets home around 8:30 at the earliest. He will pick up a child if he's in town and there is a practice that he can get to.

I should also note that I don't cook or clean that often. We have cleaning help. I cook, but it's not the greatest food because if you aren't home around dinner time, it's kind of hard to make dinner.

So I guess my job is to be a chauffeur from the hours of 4-9, and do the errand of the household during other hours.

Aren't you glad you got a degree to be a chauffeur and errand runner? Sounds fulfilling.

Why oh why so critical of another's choices? As my teen says, "you do you"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Good for you! If people can afford it, it's the best way to go. Unfortunately some can't and are resentful, some on this board obviously.

I worked on and off but was able to stay home, loved it. Great meals made every day, house clean, bills paid, happy marriage years later.

How much time/effort does it take to pay bills?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Ahhh ... the irony.

How is that ironic? Do you think it is immoral that I'd rather have my children spend their formative years being cared for by someone who loves them deeply, is extremely well educated and intelligent, and thoughtful? If you need two working parents to get by, then so be it. But if you think that your children get care as good from their preschool or the nanny you found from some website or listserv, that either speaks to your delusion or the lack of better options at home.

Immoral? Nah, just elitist and myopic. It's not about money – I guarantee I could buy and sell you. It is the idea that someone who is not been afforded the same educational and life opportunities as you and your wife - and gasp! May be a different race – is somehow ill-equipped to teach morals and worldly behavior. Unless the worldview you want to promote is "don't let those poor brown hands touch my kid!"

Someone calling someone elitist while simultaneously saying "I could buy and sell you". If you represent working women I'm glad to be on the intelligent other side.

Deserved response to "if you need two incomes to get by, so be it."

What a loser.

Why is that a deserved response to the two-income comment? (That was my comment, by the way.) I'm just saying that if you need to have all parents work to stay afloat, that needs to be respected. If both parents just want to work rather than having one stay home with kids, just be honest about the realities of the child care situation.

As for elitist and myopic, again, how so? Daycares -- and we have occasionally sent our kids to relatively very good ones -- are at best just entertaining the kids and keeping them from hurting themselves. There are too many kids for real, individualized attention, and frankly, the "teachers" rarely seem very smart or thoughtful. Certainly not as smart or thoughtful as my wife, and certainly do not love my kids as much or care as much about their development as people. Again, I'm sure it is fine, but it is clearly a step down. Let's just be honest about this. I think a lot of the working moms here feel guilty and lash out at any suggestion that the kids are receiving subpar care.

The whole thread is about resentment though. And the point is, why resent someone who is willing to stay home with kids and take care of the household?

Please don't resent my husband, even though he has a wife with her own career and life, and mutually agreed on great childcare with her. Our kids are too old now for childcare, and I'm so glad I didn't waste my potential SAH. And we have millions, too, so no, we didn't continue working just for the money. Kids do not need parental care 24/7 to be "optimized" as people; I do not at all agree that sharing childcare with paid caregivers is "clearly a step down."

I'm the original previous poster you're quoting -- of course "[k]ids do not need parental care 24/7 to be 'optimized' as people." That is a straw man. But if you are working a full time job, we are talking about putting little kids -- babies even -- in the care of someone else during the vast majority of their waking hours. That is not "sharing childcare with paid caregivers." That is having someone else -- a stranger -- raise your children. And in my observation, that stranger typically doesn't love your child as much as a parent, and is not as well educated or thoughtful. If you believe that that is as good as having a parent raise the child, you are either delusional or have little confidence if the abilities of the parents to raise children.

And in light of that, to brag about the fact that you worked and had your children raised by others despite "hav[ing] millions," seems particularly selfish. But that is your decision to make, obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DHs who resent their SAH wives are ones who are low earners and need the additional income.

Agreed. I bring a trust fund to the table and my husband is a high earner. Our three kids are in early elementary school. I'm happy keeping our home running smoothly and cooking healthy meals, allowing the kids to be active in sports, and to enjoy our low key relaxed summers. Anyone who would judge us for being happy with how our family runs has their own issues.

What mutual interests do you and your husband share, other than your children?

Are you implying that couples who have different careers have mutual interests automatically? How silly.

Because of our set up we are able to enjoy our mutual interests (travel, skiing, golf, hiking, good food and wine etc) without having to coordinate two work schedules or constant childcare/nannies. We get to include our children in our interests when we choose. That flexibility is worth way more than the $180k I used to make. We simply don't need it and I don't understand why I should take a job from someone who does need it- especially when we mutually enjoy our lives just as they are.

Lovely. Glad it works for your family. Do you personally have any intellectual type interests, or are your interests the leisure pursuits you mention above?

You mean like reading several books a week or my board position on my family's foundation? Or my political fundraising and food bank work? Of course.

But you were asking about mutual interests, weren't you? I have a myriad of personal interests both intellectual and leisure/friend/family related that are independent of my husband and kids. Since you didn't ask about those I didn't elaborate.

Is your point just to intimate that my life is less valuable or my marriage less tenable than yours because I don't choose to work for pay?

Notice im not asking about your interests or marriage. I assume you are happy with your choices and living a live of value- as I don't tie ones worth to their paycheck.

[Anonymous]

Look, I'm sure kids are appreciative of having a parent dedicated to the home and their needs. But my kids are proud of having a mom who is accomplished outside of the home and are happy to have a nice home jointly run by mom and dad. Whatever works for your family!

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM to teens and tweens. I have a few advanced degrees and never thought i'd be in this situation. I always thought "what the hell do these women DO all day long?". I've intended to go back for years. But the truth of the matter is that I don't know where to begin. I've been out of the workforce for 15+ years. It's a completely different world out there. I didn't keep in touch with old colleagues. Also, my children are very active in sports - they all play at least one, up to three travel/select sports, plus high school sports each season. I start driving children around at 4:15pm and conclude around 10pm, every single day. I'm sometimes in my car up to 6 hours a night. I can't imagine doing that after a full day of work. Not to mention all of the things that people who work during the week do on the weekends, I can't do. Dry cleaning, grocery store, hardware store, Target, whatever.... I'm usually at a gym/field/court/etc. And that is sometimes 6am-8pm. Could my kids cut back on activities, sure. But if I'm home, they don't need to.

I think may be some resentment , financially, but I also thing that my husband knows the reality is that our household would be a disaster if I worked. AND he'd have to do a LOT more. I get up at 6am every day to make lunches, walk the dogs, etc. If I was working the same hours he was, we'd be sharing that responsibility. I take the kids to school every day - again, he'd have to pitch in on that. Grocery shopping - yep. Carpool - again, yes. I think he does understand that and appreciates it.

I think it sucks on many levels but it is where we are at right now, and I don't really know how to change it.

Does it suck because of financial strain, or because you are unhappy? If the latter, maybe you could volunteer at something that would help you reenter the workforce in your former (or a new) field in a few years for a few hours prior to 4 pm each day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances would any woman allow a man to not work for 5+ years without small or special needs kids to deal with. If the roles were reverses most of you would utterly without pity.

And under no circumstances do men give birth and care for babies.

+1 million. It's your body that gets ruined, not theirs. It's a shame how we have grown to devalue women for anything but a paycheck.

Speak for yourself. I'm 51 and my girls still pass the pencil test after 2 kids.

Then you don't have much on top. If you are anything above a small B, have had children and breastfed them it is unlikely you'll past the test.... unless you are standing on your head while taking the test, haha.

I breastfed both my children, and went from a B to a C cup after being pregnant.

Then you are lucky if you are still passing the test. Usually if you go up a cup like that your Cs fail the test.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, for one, learned a tremendous amount from my DC's preschool teachers. Because they have degrees in child development, unlike myself!

And many of us prefer to learn about our children and their needs by actually raising them. So- sounds like everyone's happy!

so it's okay to not "actually raise" your children if you outsource that job to your spouse, instead of a paid caregiver? What about another family member?

I don't know. I'm not the pp mom who thinks other people are more qualified than her to raise her kids because they work at a daycare. I know I'm more educated, patient, well traveled and engaging than an hourly worker- because I'm their mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Ahhh ... the irony.

How is that ironic? Do you think it is immoral that I'd rather have my children spend their formative years being cared for by someone who loves them deeply, is extremely well educated and intelligent, and thoughtful? If you need two working parents to get by, then so be it. But if you think that your children get care as good from their preschool or the nanny you found from some website or listserv, that either speaks to your delusion or the lack of better options at home.

Immoral? Nah, just elitist and myopic. It's not about money – I guarantee I could buy and sell you. It is the idea that someone who is not been afforded the same educational and life opportunities as you and your wife - and gasp! May be a different race – is somehow ill-equipped to teach morals and worldly behavior. Unless the worldview you want to promote is "don't let those poor brown hands touch my kid!"

Someone calling someone elitist while simultaneously saying "I could buy and sell you". If you represent working women I'm glad to be on the intelligent other side.

Deserved response to "if you need two incomes to get by, so be it."

What a loser.

Why is that a deserved response to the two-income comment? (That was my comment, by the way.) I'm just saying that if you need to have all parents work to stay afloat, that needs to be respected. If both parents just want to work rather than having one stay home with kids, just be honest about the realities of the child care situation.

As for elitist and myopic, again, how so? Daycares -- and we have occasionally sent our kids to relatively very good ones -- are at best just entertaining the kids and keeping them from hurting themselves. There are too many kids for real, individualized attention, and frankly, the "teachers" rarely seem very smart or thoughtful. Certainly not as smart or thoughtful as my wife, and certainly do not love my kids as much or care as much about their development as people. Again, I'm sure it is fine, but it is clearly a step down. Let's just be honest about this. I think a lot of the working moms here feel guilty and lash out at any suggestion that the kids are receiving subpar care.

The whole thread is about resentment though. And the point is, why resent someone who is willing to stay home with kids and take care of the household?

Please don't resent my husband, even though he has a wife with her own career and life, and mutually agreed on great childcare with her. Our kids are too old now for childcare, and I'm so glad I didn't waste my potential SAH. And we have millions, too, so no, we didn't continue working just for the money. Kids do not need parental care 24/7 to be "optimized" as people; I do not at all agree that sharing childcare with paid caregivers is "clearly a step down."

I'm the original previous poster you're quoting -- of course "[k]ids do not need parental care 24/7 to be 'optimized' as people." That is a straw man. But if you are working a full time job, we are talking about putting little kids -- babies even -- in the care of someone else during the vast majority of their waking hours. That is not "sharing childcare with paid caregivers." That is having someone else -- a stranger -- raise your children. And in my observation, that stranger typically doesn't love your child as much as a parent, and is not as well educated or thoughtful. If you believe that that is as good as having a parent raise the child, you are either delusional or have little confidence if the abilities of the parents to raise children.

And in light of that, to brag about the fact that you worked and had your children raised by others despite "hav[ing] millions," seems particularly selfish. But that is your decision to make, obviously.

So it's okay for you, as a man with a SAHW, to pursue career and other personal goals for 40+ hours a week, because your spouse is the caregiver? That's how you satisfy yourself that your kids don't need more of you?

I am also guessing your 3 children are young. My youngest is 14, and so I can see how my relationship with them is going to turn out, or glimmers of it. Despite using 50 hours a week of paid childcare for more than 8 consecutive years, my kids are turning into fabulous people with good interpersonal relationships.