I dropped the hosting rope and now ILs think I’m ‘mad’ at them

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I was with you until you told us how you didn't chat with them in the evening, you just went up to bed, that's just rude.

I thought she said she did talk to them, just not as long? That sounds like a reasonable compromise to me.

+1. I like my ILs a lot but I’m not one for sitting around talking for hours in the evening. Fortunately, neither is MIL so we excuse ourselves to our own rooms to relax and read a book and whoever wants to stay up is welcome to

You may not do this, but if you had a history of doing so and then suddenly stopped, don't you think it might be confusing to the guests? They might have had the impression you liked them and now you don't. OP says it herself: "I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do." The ILs are just picking up on the obvious and wanted to know what was wrong. I'm not sure how that makes them so terrible.

If they “needed” to be entertained more after a full day with the family, why didn’t they go find the son they raised? Why is OP going to bed earlier than normal so dreadful? You know what my parents do during visits when I’m tired and don’t feel like staying up late to talk? They read a book, talk to each other, watch Netflix, or get some extra sleep.

It's not about needing to be entertained. It's about noticing a difference in behavior. You've never asked if someone is having a bad day?

Sure have, in the moment. Not days later. And my perception of whether someone is having a good or bad day has very little to do with me observing whether they made me coffee or put sheets on a bed.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I was with you until you told us how you didn't chat with them in the evening, you just went up to bed, that's just rude.

I thought she said she did talk to them, just not as long? That sounds like a reasonable compromise to me.

+1. I like my ILs a lot but I’m not one for sitting around talking for hours in the evening. Fortunately, neither is MIL so we excuse ourselves to our own rooms to relax and read a book and whoever wants to stay up is welcome to

You may not do this, but if you had a history of doing so and then suddenly stopped, don't you think it might be confusing to the guests? They might have had the impression you liked them and now you don't. OP says it herself: "I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do." The ILs are just picking up on the obvious and wanted to know what was wrong. I'm not sure how that makes them so terrible.

If they “needed” to be entertained more after a full day with the family, why didn’t they go find the son they raised? Why is OP going to bed earlier than normal so dreadful? You know what my parents do during visits when I’m tired and don’t feel like staying up late to talk? They read a book, talk to each other, watch Netflix, or get some extra sleep.

It's not about needing to be entertained. It's about noticing a difference in behavior. You've never asked if someone is having a bad day?

Sure have, in the moment. Not days later. And my perception of whether someone is having a good or bad day has very little to do with me observing whether they made me coffee or put sheets on a bed.

But what about the not talking as much? You just glossed right over that part. They are guests they probably don't want to cause a scene at the time or maybe they were waiting to see if maybe it was just one day but it turned out to be the whole visit. Better they asked OP herself instead of talking about her behind her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand why ILs were confused, they're accustomed to visits going a certain way every time. They were not prepared for this radically different dynamic. They picked up on the tension, fine. So why didn't they pull DH aside and ask him if everything was OK?

When MIL texted OP later, is that because OP and MIL had always texted regularly before so it wasn't unusual? Makes sense to me.

So the first outing was rough? So what. Everyone got through it.

But here's the thing, OP, for this to stick you should work out with DH what visit planning looks like going forward and then he should relay that to his parents. My MIL was flabbergasted when we said DH was now taking the lead for their visits and I would for my parents'. She assumed our marriage was on the rocks! It wasn't. But I have to say it made a WORLD of difference in bringing down stress in our marriage around visits. DH has to work out messy details with his parents now, but having an adult relationship with them is fundamental even if it's uncomfortable for all of them sometimes. Same with me and my parents.

Now my ILs and DH suggest plan options with each other, DH and I talk logistics on our end, he and ILs finalize and everyone is on the same page. It was messy at first, but it works for us.

This is the way.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I was with you until you told us how you didn't chat with them in the evening, you just went up to bed, that's just rude.

I thought she said she did talk to them, just not as long? That sounds like a reasonable compromise to me.

+1. I like my ILs a lot but I’m not one for sitting around talking for hours in the evening. Fortunately, neither is MIL so we excuse ourselves to our own rooms to relax and read a book and whoever wants to stay up is welcome to

You may not do this, but if you had a history of doing so and then suddenly stopped, don't you think it might be confusing to the guests? They might have had the impression you liked them and now you don't. OP says it herself: "I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do." The ILs are just picking up on the obvious and wanted to know what was wrong. I'm not sure how that makes them so terrible.

If they “needed” to be entertained more after a full day with the family, why didn’t they go find the son they raised? Why is OP going to bed earlier than normal so dreadful? You know what my parents do during visits when I’m tired and don’t feel like staying up late to talk? They read a book, talk to each other, watch Netflix, or get some extra sleep.

It's not about needing to be entertained. It's about noticing a difference in behavior. You've never asked if someone is having a bad day?

Sure have, in the moment. Not days later. And my perception of whether someone is having a good or bad day has very little to do with me observing whether they made me coffee or put sheets on a bed.

But what about the not talking as much? You just glossed right over that part. They are guests they probably don't want to cause a scene at the time or maybe they were waiting to see if maybe it was just one day but it turned out to be the whole visit. Better they asked OP herself instead of talking about her behind her back.

Here’s the part you glossed over: not talking AS MUCH. After spending a day with people in your house, it is not rude, at all, to chat with them for a few minutes when kids are in bed, and then excuse yourself to go rest. Sorry, it’s just not. Even if you normally talk more. She didn’t ignore them, she talked with them a bit after a full day of visiting.

“Cause a scene”? What would they “cause a scene” about? Please elaborate. “How dare you not chat with us for 20 more minutes?” Like seriously? Please do enlighten us all: if you usually do something, you must always do that something the exact same way forevermore, or something is wrong?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I was with you until you told us how you didn't chat with them in the evening, you just went up to bed, that's just rude.

I thought she said she did talk to them, just not as long? That sounds like a reasonable compromise to me.

+1. I like my ILs a lot but I’m not one for sitting around talking for hours in the evening. Fortunately, neither is MIL so we excuse ourselves to our own rooms to relax and read a book and whoever wants to stay up is welcome to

You may not do this, but if you had a history of doing so and then suddenly stopped, don't you think it might be confusing to the guests? They might have had the impression you liked them and now you don't. OP says it herself: "I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do." The ILs are just picking up on the obvious and wanted to know what was wrong. I'm not sure how that makes them so terrible.

If they “needed” to be entertained more after a full day with the family, why didn’t they go find the son they raised? Why is OP going to bed earlier than normal so dreadful? You know what my parents do during visits when I’m tired and don’t feel like staying up late to talk? They read a book, talk to each other, watch Netflix, or get some extra sleep.

It's not about needing to be entertained. It's about noticing a difference in behavior. You've never asked if someone is having a bad day?

Sure have, in the moment. Not days later. And my perception of whether someone is having a good or bad day has very little to do with me observing whether they made me coffee or put sheets on a bed.

But what about the not talking as much? You just glossed right over that part. They are guests they probably don't want to cause a scene at the time or maybe they were waiting to see if maybe it was just one day but it turned out to be the whole visit. Better they asked OP herself instead of talking about her behind her back.

Here’s the part you glossed over: not talking AS MUCH. After spending a day with people in your house, it is not rude, at all, to chat with them for a few minutes when kids are in bed, and then excuse yourself to go rest. Sorry, it’s just not. Even if you normally talk more. She didn’t ignore them, she talked with them a bit after a full day of visiting.

“Cause a scene”? What would they “cause a scene” about? Please elaborate. “How dare you not chat with us for 20 more minutes?” Like seriously? Please do enlighten us all: if you usually do something, you must always do that something the exact same way forevermore, or something is wrong?

Like, omg, OP normally talks to the ILs a lot. She didn’t this time. They noticed. You’re fantasies and imagined dialogue are irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

Because she’s tired of doing everything, so she spoke up and said they were welcome to visit, but she wouldn’t be hosting. See how that works? She was tired, so she communicated clearly that she wasn’t hosting.

You can't not "host" people who are in your home. Whether you like it or not they are there and they are guests and you are hosting whether you like it or not. If you're not up for it, you just say no.

Yes, you can, when there are two grown adults who own the home. DH and I sometimes divide and conquer. I’ve had work events while DH has done the hosting and vice versa. Did you know you don’t even need a vagina to host? Wow!

I don't think sex organs have anything to do with this. OP and her husband have a very unhealthy dysfunctional dynamic. That's the issue OP needs to deal with and until marriage counseling they shouldn't pretend to "host" guests one of them can barely be bothered to be civil to or the other one can barely lift a finger for. Who would want to visit either of these two?

Hmm, I don’t know, grown adults who can make a pot of standard drip coffee? I visited SIL once and she was busy and hadn’t gotten sheets on the bed. Know what I did? I put sheets on the bed. I even wiped my own ass!

And a lot of women get territorial about their stuff and kitchen. ILs were being polite by not acting like they own the place opening all the cabinets and rummaging around. Because that rubs a lot of people the wrong way too. They were in a no win situation.

Then why didn’t they ask the son they raised to make them some coffee. Plus, OP literally said to help themselves. How is that “territorial”?

Yup. Reading is fundamental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were a B**** op.

If you have a son, may this be visited on you in future holidays.

Oops, your internalized misogyny is showing.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

No, there's me just making a reservation. Then there's you getting bent out of shape that I would have done something different that took almost no effort than you. Maybe just move on and accept that people are different. There's no right answer here and OP isn't sitting there smug and satisfied with herself either with her "can't win for losing" attitude.

I didn’t realize dinner at a place that requires a reservation was free. If I were OP, I wouldn’t want to buy dinner for ILs who can’t even make their own coffee, either.

Who pays is a separate issue. My ILs always pay. My parents insist on splitting the bill. So if it involved my ILs I would make the reservation knowing they would be footing the bill. But if this is the hill you want to die on, so be it.

The hill *I* want to die on? Babe, I ate at a restaurant with my parents, ILs, and my brother and his significant other for Easter. We had a great time! But you telling OP “just do it, it’s so easy” is rich. If it’s easy, DH can do it. If he didn’t do it, that’s on him, not her. OP’s frustration here is not “I ate rotisserie chicken” it’s “I communicated with my husband and dropped the rope, and somehow MIL is texting me because it wasn’t a great visit.” OK?

Darling, I'm not going to eat crap food to prove a point, have I not made that clear yet? What a silly waste of time and calories. And I never told OP to "just do it" I said that's where I would draw the line. I would just do it myself. Sorry you don't like that. OP doesn't sound too confident in her decisions if she's complaining here about it.

Ohhh, now I get it, Almond Mom. Some of us don’t plan our entire day around one dinner. It’s not a big deal. We know we’ll eat again tomorrow, so if today’s dinner isn’t amah-zing, we just enjoy other parts of our day and move on with our lives. We’re not all obsessed with food and how many calories we eat. Sorry you don’t like that.

Sorry you are fat.

Sorry you have an eating disorder.

(fit, active size 6, so don’t bother being predictable)

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

In "dropping the rope" you just replicated your DH's sh*tty behavior.

He didn't help and it felt crappy to you. Now you didn't help and it feels crappy to him and his family.

Shocker.

…nope. OP communicated. She let DH know he was free to invite his parents, but she wasn’t going to host them and it would be on him. She said what she was willing to do (kid outfits and candy) and that was it. He then agreed and said he would take care of everything.

You’d have a leg to stand on if OP didn’t communicate her decision and plans to DH, but she did. He agreed to host and then…didn’t.

Exactly. Op's dh thinks she's his slave. F him for that. If he had come at me with that bs re his parents, he'd be on the couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until you told us how you didn't chat with them in the evening, you just went up to bed, that's just rude.

Your reading comprehension is terrible. Try again, reading more slowly and for comprehension this time.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

You just don't get it. I, like op, don't care if anyone is eating a rotisserie chicken. Love the way you twist it to be something gross.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

m

If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

She was being nice. It was her DH who wasn't being nice.

PP is dumber than a box of rocks and is determined that women keep their place.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I was with you until the end. If they asked about coffee, it would have been polite to brew some for them. And it was a pretty small request, so it seems a bit petty to refuse.

Nope. The parents could ask THEIR OWN SON for coffee once in a blue moon at least. Why ask the woman for everything?

They asked her for coffee. DH got the pizza, rotisserie chicken, made the bed, etc. It's not like he did nothing. It wasn't up to OPs standards, or something, but what does that really matter? It doesn't sound like the OPs complained to her at all during the visit. They asked about coffee one time and apparently that's it. There was a text asking if she was mad after the visit but I'm not seeing where she was asked for "everything" at all.

So why did MIL think OP might be mad just because she didn't serve them a delicious meal, prepare their coffee and stay up later to talk? I also spent many hours having lunch with my MIL, filling her in on all the stuff DH couldn't be bothered telling her about. Less attention and entertainment means you're mad? How about you are tired of doing it and want your DH to take responsibility for HIS parents' needs.

I don’t think that’s why MIL thinks OP is mad. I think there was probably a lot of simmering tension between OP and her husband and the guests picked up on it. Remember, the in laws had no idea what conversations the two spouses had had. They were just coming for a happy Easter and walked into all this.

OMG. They must have haaad the vapors. Lordy. How will they ever survive? Op didn't chat them up at night. Gracious. It must have been harrowing for them to walk in to this easter celebration with a rotisserie chicken.

You make it sound like op and her dh were having a brawl in front of the chidlren.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I was with you until the end. If they asked about coffee, it would have been polite to brew some for them. And it was a pretty small request, so it seems a bit petty to refuse.

Nope. The parents could ask THEIR OWN SON for coffee once in a blue moon at least. Why ask the woman for everything?

They asked her for coffee. DH got the pizza, rotisserie chicken, made the bed, etc. It's not like he did nothing. It wasn't up to OPs standards, or something, but what does that really matter? It doesn't sound like the OPs complained to her at all during the visit. They asked about coffee one time and apparently that's it. There was a text asking if she was mad after the visit but I'm not seeing where she was asked for "everything" at all.

So why did MIL think OP might be mad just because she didn't serve them a delicious meal, prepare their coffee and stay up later to talk? I also spent many hours having lunch with my MIL, filling her in on all the stuff DH couldn't be bothered telling her about. Less attention and entertainment means you're mad? How about you are tired of doing it and want your DH to take responsibility for HIS parents' needs.

I don’t think that’s why MIL thinks OP is mad. I think there was probably a lot of simmering tension between OP and her husband and the guests picked up on it. Remember, the in laws had no idea what conversations the two spouses had had. They were just coming for a happy Easter and walked into all this.

OMG. They must have haaad the vapors. Lordy. How will they ever survive? Op didn't chat them up at night. Gracious. It must have been harrowing for them to walk in to this easter celebration with a rotisserie chicken.

You make it sound like op and her dh were having a brawl in front of the chidlren.

You’re talking to a couple different posters here and your response to mine was OOT. I simply think the in laws picked up on some tension and thought their hosts or at least OP was mad at them. They had the decency to bring it up directly to OP rather than keep it to themselves and that’s a good thing. I dont think the in laws are upset because they didn’t get a “delicious meal” and it’s unfair to act as if the in laws are in the wrong here because they didn’t know what was going on between the spouses.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

You just don't get it. I, like op, don't care if anyone is eating a rotisserie chicken. Love the way you twist it to be something gross.

Then why is OP insistent that the ball was dropped? A meal was served. What’s the problem exactly?