I do not like the parent population at my kids school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was a parent and teacher at the same school. Parents would vent to me about these kinds of things.

Not saying this is your situation, but some things that came up:

1) A kid would not get invited to playdates (and the parents would get shunned) because the kid got in trouble in class. Small things like drawing a weird picture (violent) or pulling on someone's pony tail. Instead of criticizing the kid directly, parents would avoid the family b/c their kid was uncomfortable.

2) Drinking. Too much or too little. (You or them)

3) People going through marital issues themselves kept their circle of friends close. They are holding on to people they trust and worry about newbies.

4) Competition. Some people would have their kids trying out for travel sports or theatre and would avoid talented kids b/c they didn't want more people in the ring fighting for their spot.

5) The scarlet letter. You could have made friends with someone that other people don't like to be around. Join a committee. It sucks but you will get the inside scoop.

6) Less money. Not that you have less money (who cares), but that someone has a smaller house or something and they don't want to "host" a playdate, but they can't necessarily come to yours. Larger group events in a financially neutral place, like a park by school, could help.

7) Someone is creepy. Could be a sibling or a spouse or something else. I have avoided playdates where the supervision is "loose" and some parent I liked as friends, I had to side-step because one of my kids didn't like their scary dog, the way "Grandma" insisted on hugs & kisses from friends, etc., or a brother always wanted to wrestle. Not saying you have that going on, but it is the kind of thing you wouldn't say out loud, but work around.

8) Language. Cursing or off-color stories. I heard a parent cursing in a restaurant yesterday (kid was in middle school) and I was relieved that they had good communication, but I know some parents would be clutching their pearls.

If you go to a lot of events and share group photos with other parents it is an unobtrusive way to connect.

Yes- all true. But there are some people at every school who have friends from preschool or their club and are not interested in adding more to the mix even if you’re fun and great. Some of those people, rude as it is, won’t respond to a text or email. Tell your kid this other kid/the mom are very busy and wait for another play date option emerges. It doesn’t feel good, but please know it happens.

This. Op sorry and I totally can see how it can affect your experience. Some schools are notorious for having a smaller dominant social group run everything in the community and they let it be known that they are friends and their kids are friends and you are not. That can make social events uncomfortable and yes parents should be able to connect and feel good at their kids schools. Don’t shame op.

I just witness a mean mom totally put her back to another mom at an event the other night. It was so rude and so obvious to me and others. I tried to include the other mom but she gave up and walked away. I have seen this same mean mom and her friends do this on several occasions.

Op, sorry you are going through this. Mean moms suck and everyone knows it. Moms just go along with it so they aren't excluded. It is high school all over again.

+1

Everyone knows who the troublemakers are, OP. It is not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and I don't know what to do about it. It is a great school but I am miserable.My kids seem happy and that its what matters. I am miserable

Cool outgoing rich parents come to you. They size you up pretty quickly and invite you into their circle if they deem you a peer. They can glance at your LinkedIn and Facebook for 30 seconds to see the friends you have in common, where you went to college, where you work, and where you live. Zillow stalking takes another 30 seconds. I'm afraid they don't see you as being on their level. But it sounds like your kids are having better luck and that's what it's all about, right?

We are nobodies (feds in a small house with no social cred) and our kids are at the Cathedral schools. IME some of the most connected, wealthiest parents are actually the nicest and most inclusive. It's the strivers (who are far more like us on paper then they'd ever admit) that can be mean.
It's a tale as old as time. If you've really "made it" then you're free to be nice to the small people--many of whom are actually very interesting people. If you're continually clawing and insecure you're often preoccupied by who else may move into your spot.

I am so confused. What spot? Are there people actually striving? We are an average family and we want to get to know other families where our kids go to school. We want to meet nice families. Are we strivers taking someone's spot? Can someone who is not the crazy mom auditioning for the next Bravo show explain why wanting to get know people is taking other people's spots?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and I don't know what to do about it. It is a great school but I am miserable.My kids seem happy and that its what matters. I am miserable

Cool outgoing rich parents come to you. They size you up pretty quickly and invite you into their circle if they deem you a peer. They can glance at your LinkedIn and Facebook for 30 seconds to see the friends you have in common, where you went to college, where you work, and where you live. Zillow stalking takes another 30 seconds. I'm afraid they don't see you as being on their level. But it sounds like your kids are having better luck and that's what it's all about, right?

We are nobodies (feds in a small house with no social cred) and our kids are at the Cathedral schools. IME some of the most connected, wealthiest parents are actually the nicest and most inclusive. It's the strivers (who are far more like us on paper then they'd ever admit) that can be mean.
It's a tale as old as time. If you've really "made it" then you're free to be nice to the small people--many of whom are actually very interesting people. If you're continually clawing and insecure you're often preoccupied by who else may move into your spot.

I am so confused. What spot? Are there people actually striving? We are an average family and we want to get to know other families where our kids go to school. We want to meet nice families. Are we strivers taking someone's spot? Can someone who is not the crazy mom auditioning for the next Bravo show explain why wanting to get know people is taking other people's spots?

Yes. This x 100. I wish I knew you in real life. I want to meet you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DC went private for HS from public school. DC loves the school and we all couldn’t be happier. I have yet to make a mom friend though. I volunteer at events and will chat then, but that’s it. Mom’s’ friends groups flourish but I’m not part of it. Sometimes I wish I were invited, but I don’t stress about it too much. It’s a bit awkward at lunches and galas, when I don’t belong to a group. It’s like being socially awkward in high school all over again for me. But kid is doing just fine and at the end of the day, that’s all that matters. For what it’s worth, I went to an elite private school for middle and high school, and a T20 college so it’s not as if I’m unfamiliar with the private school social scene.

Why do you think it is this way? Did the school start in an earlier grade and not add a lot for ninth, so other moms were already friends and you were new? I also think that when you meet parents by the time your kid is already pretty independent (high school) there is less incentive for parents to befriend each other.

Nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was a parent and teacher at the same school. Parents would vent to me about these kinds of things.

Not saying this is your situation, but some things that came up:

1) A kid would not get invited to playdates (and the parents would get shunned) because the kid got in trouble in class. Small things like drawing a weird picture (violent) or pulling on someone's pony tail. Instead of criticizing the kid directly, parents would avoid the family b/c their kid was uncomfortable.

2) Drinking. Too much or too little. (You or them)

3) People going through marital issues themselves kept their circle of friends close. They are holding on to people they trust and worry about newbies.

4) Competition. Some people would have their kids trying out for travel sports or theatre and would avoid talented kids b/c they didn't want more people in the ring fighting for their spot.

5) The scarlet letter. You could have made friends with someone that other people don't like to be around. Join a committee. It sucks but you will get the inside scoop.

6) Less money. Not that you have less money (who cares), but that someone has a smaller house or something and they don't want to "host" a playdate, but they can't necessarily come to yours. Larger group events in a financially neutral place, like a park by school, could help.

7) Someone is creepy. Could be a sibling or a spouse or something else. I have avoided playdates where the supervision is "loose" and some parent I liked as friends, I had to side-step because one of my kids didn't like their scary dog, the way "Grandma" insisted on hugs & kisses from friends, etc., or a brother always wanted to wrestle. Not saying you have that going on, but it is the kind of thing you wouldn't say out loud, but work around.

8) Language. Cursing or off-color stories. I heard a parent cursing in a restaurant yesterday (kid was in middle school) and I was relieved that they had good communication, but I know some parents would be clutching their pearls.

If you go to a lot of events and share group photos with other parents it is an unobtrusive way to connect.

Yes- all true. But there are some people at every school who have friends from preschool or their club and are not interested in adding more to the mix even if you’re fun and great. Some of those people, rude as it is, won’t respond to a text or email. Tell your kid this other kid/the mom are very busy and wait for another play date option emerges. It doesn’t feel good, but please know it happens.

It’s wild that a 47 year old (?) parent thinks s/he’s entitled to their friendship and entry into their clique. And you’re wrong about newbies never being added. Uncommon, sure, but it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and I don't know what to do about it. It is a great school but I am miserable.My kids seem happy and that its what matters. I am miserable

Cool outgoing rich parents come to you. They size you up pretty quickly and invite you into their circle if they deem you a peer. They can glance at your LinkedIn and Facebook for 30 seconds to see the friends you have in common, where you went to college, where you work, and where you live. Zillow stalking takes another 30 seconds. I'm afraid they don't see you as being on their level. But it sounds like your kids are having better luck and that's what it's all about, right?

We are nobodies (feds in a small house with no social cred) and our kids are at the Cathedral schools. IME some of the most connected, wealthiest parents are actually the nicest and most inclusive. It's the strivers (who are far more like us on paper then they'd ever admit) that can be mean.
It's a tale as old as time. If you've really "made it" then you're free to be nice to the small people--many of whom are actually very interesting people. If you're continually clawing and insecure you're often preoccupied by who else may move into your spot.

+1

Exactly this.

The small people might actually be interesting?

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some schools where many current moms are alumnae, those same moms still live in the same neighborhood where they grew up together, they still are members at their parents’ country club, their daughters only socialize in that same circle of mom’s friends, and those same legacy moms do not welcome outsiders/newcomers (unless they see _immediate_ social, political, or economic benefit).

I attended such a school and have witnessed that pattern. (And I thank God my family wasn’t socially engaged with any of them.)

What OP described is real at multiple schools in DC/MD/VA and, yes, it often is visible by this time of the school year.

That said, there also are other, usually more interesting, and nicer people who are moms at the same schools. It often takes longer for a newcomer to find that other crowd, however.

So nobody has a right to be friends with long-time friends? All of these lifer / legacy parents should invite all 100+ moms from their kid’s class into their clique and group chats? You friend group police are a wacky bunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you sit by yourself? Does anyone talk to you?

I sit by myself or with my DH, typically. I’m not sure what you mean by talk, I mean I will nod if I pass someone or say hi, but otherwise don’t tend to have much in the way of conversation. Maybe I am not getting how I am excluded but it’s not something I’ve ever really even noticed. I guess next season I will look for this though!

On what magical universe does a social red carpet get rolled out for a random middle aged single lady at a sporting match? There is no conspiracy against you, you are a random stranger at a sporting match. Your expectations are out of whack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some schools where many current moms are alumnae, those same moms still live in the same neighborhood where they grew up together, they still are members at their parents’ country club, their daughters only socialize in that same circle of mom’s friends, and those same legacy moms do not welcome outsiders/newcomers (unless they see _immediate_ social, political, or economic benefit).

I attended such a school and have witnessed that pattern. (And I thank God my family wasn’t socially engaged with any of them.)

What OP described is real at multiple schools in DC/MD/VA and, yes, it often is visible by this time of the school year.

That said, there also are other, usually more interesting, and nicer people who are moms at the same schools. It often takes longer for a newcomer to find that other crowd, however.

So nobody has a right to be friends with long-time friends? All of these lifer / legacy parents should invite all 100+ moms from their kid’s class into their clique and group chats? You friend group police are a wacky bunch.

Please get help. Seriously. You are deranged even if you are a troll. Your writing style and words wreak of psychotic tendencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was a parent and teacher at the same school. Parents would vent to me about these kinds of things.

Not saying this is your situation, but some things that came up:

1) A kid would not get invited to playdates (and the parents would get shunned) because the kid got in trouble in class. Small things like drawing a weird picture (violent) or pulling on someone's pony tail. Instead of criticizing the kid directly, parents would avoid the family b/c their kid was uncomfortable.

2) Drinking. Too much or too little. (You or them)

3) People going through marital issues themselves kept their circle of friends close. They are holding on to people they trust and worry about newbies.

4) Competition. Some people would have their kids trying out for travel sports or theatre and would avoid talented kids b/c they didn't want more people in the ring fighting for their spot.

5) The scarlet letter. You could have made friends with someone that other people don't like to be around. Join a committee. It sucks but you will get the inside scoop.

6) Less money. Not that you have less money (who cares), but that someone has a smaller house or something and they don't want to "host" a playdate, but they can't necessarily come to yours. Larger group events in a financially neutral place, like a park by school, could help.

7) Someone is creepy. Could be a sibling or a spouse or something else. I have avoided playdates where the supervision is "loose" and some parent I liked as friends, I had to side-step because one of my kids didn't like their scary dog, the way "Grandma" insisted on hugs & kisses from friends, etc., or a brother always wanted to wrestle. Not saying you have that going on, but it is the kind of thing you wouldn't say out loud, but work around.

8) Language. Cursing or off-color stories. I heard a parent cursing in a restaurant yesterday (kid was in middle school) and I was relieved that they had good communication, but I know some parents would be clutching their pearls.

If you go to a lot of events and share group photos with other parents it is an unobtrusive way to connect.

Yes- all true. But there are some people at every school who have friends from preschool or their club and are not interested in adding more to the mix even if you’re fun and great. Some of those people, rude as it is, won’t respond to a text or email. Tell your kid this other kid/the mom are very busy and wait for another play date option emerges. It doesn’t feel good, but please know it happens.

It’s wild that a 47 year old (?) parent thinks s/he’s entitled to their friendship and entry into their clique. And you’re wrong about newbies never being added. Uncommon, sure, but it happens.

Once again please get help. You are mentally deranged. Seriously get therapy. Your writing and word choice are troubling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was a parent and teacher at the same school. Parents would vent to me about these kinds of things.

Not saying this is your situation, but some things that came up:

1) A kid would not get invited to playdates (and the parents would get shunned) because the kid got in trouble in class. Small things like drawing a weird picture (violent) or pulling on someone's pony tail. Instead of criticizing the kid directly, parents would avoid the family b/c their kid was uncomfortable.

2) Drinking. Too much or too little. (You or them)

3) People going through marital issues themselves kept their circle of friends close. They are holding on to people they trust and worry about newbies.

4) Competition. Some people would have their kids trying out for travel sports or theatre and would avoid talented kids b/c they didn't want more people in the ring fighting for their spot.

5) The scarlet letter. You could have made friends with someone that other people don't like to be around. Join a committee. It sucks but you will get the inside scoop.

6) Less money. Not that you have less money (who cares), but that someone has a smaller house or something and they don't want to "host" a playdate, but they can't necessarily come to yours. Larger group events in a financially neutral place, like a park by school, could help.

7) Someone is creepy. Could be a sibling or a spouse or something else. I have avoided playdates where the supervision is "loose" and some parent I liked as friends, I had to side-step because one of my kids didn't like their scary dog, the way "Grandma" insisted on hugs & kisses from friends, etc., or a brother always wanted to wrestle. Not saying you have that going on, but it is the kind of thing you wouldn't say out loud, but work around.

8) Language. Cursing or off-color stories. I heard a parent cursing in a restaurant yesterday (kid was in middle school) and I was relieved that they had good communication, but I know some parents would be clutching their pearls.

If you go to a lot of events and share group photos with other parents it is an unobtrusive way to connect.

Yes- all true. But there are some people at every school who have friends from preschool or their club and are not interested in adding more to the mix even if you’re fun and great. Some of those people, rude as it is, won’t respond to a text or email. Tell your kid this other kid/the mom are very busy and wait for another play date option emerges. It doesn’t feel good, but please know it happens.

It’s wild that a 47 year old (?) parent thinks s/he’s entitled to their friendship and entry into their clique. And you’re wrong about newbies never being added. Uncommon, sure, but it happens.

Once again please get help. You are mentally deranged. Seriously get therapy. Your writing and word choice are troubling.

“Agree” the pp sounds low class and uneducated. Their word choice is very basic and almost trailer park trashy - “newbies” and “strivers” and not words elite well respected grown women use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you sit by yourself? Does anyone talk to you?

I sit by myself or with my DH, typically. I’m not sure what you mean by talk, I mean I will nod if I pass someone or say hi, but otherwise don’t tend to have much in the way of conversation. Maybe I am not getting how I am excluded but it’s not something I’ve ever really even noticed. I guess next season I will look for this though!

On what magical universe does a social red carpet get rolled out for a random middle aged single lady at a sporting match? There is no conspiracy against you, you are a random stranger at a sporting match. Your expectations are out of whack.

Omg you are an evil human being. There is nothing wrong with wanting to meet people kids at your child’s school. I can’t wait until someone researches your IP address and blasts everything you have said on here because you are a truly vile human being.

Op ignore this poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you sit by yourself? Does anyone talk to you?

I sit by myself or with my DH, typically. I’m not sure what you mean by talk, I mean I will nod if I pass someone or say hi, but otherwise don’t tend to have much in the way of conversation. Maybe I am not getting how I am excluded but it’s not something I’ve ever really even noticed. I guess next season I will look for this though!

On what magical universe does a social red carpet get rolled out for a random middle aged single lady at a sporting match? There is no conspiracy against you, you are a random stranger at a sporting match. Your expectations are out of whack.

Omg you are an evil human being. There is nothing wrong with wanting to meet people kids at your child’s school. I can’t wait until someone researches your IP address and blasts everything you have said on here because you are a truly vile human being.

Op ignore this poster.

100+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please name the schools that you’re talking about so we can avoid them!!

Families who can afford these schools already have friends and associates at them before they apply. It's a small handful of social climbing interlopers who genuinely struggle. The rest of this babble is public school trolls who serial post about how everyone richer, skinnier, smarter and/or more successful than them is cruel, with druggy kids, and must be financially overextended. It's all a cope. Idle malcontents on the outside looking in.

We've been in DC since PK but my kid ended up at a Big3 where we didn't know anyone well. We probably know 10+ families (well) at each of the other two.
I wouldn't recommend doing this. It's been a rough adjustment for my kid who is now a sophomore. He/she is finally hitting his/her social stride. It's hard to break into a school where
many of the friendships are between the lifers. They have been very insular and the rest of the grade sort of just floats around in isolation to one degree or another.

It makes total sense and is normal for the lifer students and their families, with lifelong ties and large giving and connections to the board, have stronger bonds than relatively transient and transactional first-gen high school families. You’re just a visitor. People treat transient renters the same way. If you’re a homeowner long-term invested in a community, you’re not going to bend over backwards to befriend some bureaucrat you know will be moving on in 12 months. What’s the point.

The headband wearing socialite crowd are not lifers at these schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was a parent and teacher at the same school. Parents would vent to me about these kinds of things.

Not saying this is your situation, but some things that came up:

1) A kid would not get invited to playdates (and the parents would get shunned) because the kid got in trouble in class. Small things like drawing a weird picture (violent) or pulling on someone's pony tail. Instead of criticizing the kid directly, parents would avoid the family b/c their kid was uncomfortable.

2) Drinking. Too much or too little. (You or them)

3) People going through marital issues themselves kept their circle of friends close. They are holding on to people they trust and worry about newbies.

4) Competition. Some people would have their kids trying out for travel sports or theatre and would avoid talented kids b/c they didn't want more people in the ring fighting for their spot.

5) The scarlet letter. You could have made friends with someone that other people don't like to be around. Join a committee. It sucks but you will get the inside scoop.

6) Less money. Not that you have less money (who cares), but that someone has a smaller house or something and they don't want to "host" a playdate, but they can't necessarily come to yours. Larger group events in a financially neutral place, like a park by school, could help.

7) Someone is creepy. Could be a sibling or a spouse or something else. I have avoided playdates where the supervision is "loose" and some parent I liked as friends, I had to side-step because one of my kids didn't like their scary dog, the way "Grandma" insisted on hugs & kisses from friends, etc., or a brother always wanted to wrestle. Not saying you have that going on, but it is the kind of thing you wouldn't say out loud, but work around.

8) Language. Cursing or off-color stories. I heard a parent cursing in a restaurant yesterday (kid was in middle school) and I was relieved that they had good communication, but I know some parents would be clutching their pearls.

If you go to a lot of events and share group photos with other parents it is an unobtrusive way to connect.

Yes- all true. But there are some people at every school who have friends from preschool or their club and are not interested in adding more to the mix even if you’re fun and great. Some of those people, rude as it is, won’t respond to a text or email. Tell your kid this other kid/the mom are very busy and wait for another play date option emerges. It doesn’t feel good, but please know it happens.

It’s wild that a 47 year old (?) parent thinks s/he’s entitled to their friendship and entry into their clique. And you’re wrong about newbies never being added. Uncommon, sure, but it happens.

Once again please get help. You are mentally deranged. Seriously get therapy. Your writing and word choice are troubling.

“Agree” the pp sounds low class and uneducated. Their word choice is very basic and almost trailer park trashy - “newbies” and “strivers” and not words elite well respected grown women use.

“Trailer park trashy”

This is other poster is certainly skilled at getting people to reveal their true classist prejudices.