I do not like the parent population at my kids school

[Anonymous]

NP. We’re new to a school too and have met some parents who seem like decent human beings, but we’re not going to be best friends. DC has made friends and I’ve gotten emails asking about play dates. Maybe eventually he will click with a kid who has parents I click with, but if it doesn’t happen that’s fine.

To that point, I’m not sure I’m comfortable leaving him at a house alone with people I don’t know. Not sure I’ll feel comfortable doing that for several years actually. So do I just tell them i’m staying or suggest another location?

[Anonymous]

Unless you also go to the school it’s hard to understand how this makes you miserable.

[Anonymous]

Let me try to explain.

1) Some of these schools have an inordinate number of parent and family events. It's not particularly pleasant to go to these when many people are being openly unwelcoming. Even if you have a friend or two in the crowd.

2) Many people move to DC after having children. They don't have a group of friends here from college, grad school, work, etc. They look to their children's schools as a potential source of family friends. Sure, it would be lovely to make friends through volunteering, adult hobbies etc. But frankly, most parents have no (or very little) time for these things between work and school.

We are such a family: we moved to DC from NE when our kids were 3, 5, 5. We didn't know a soul here. Thankfully landed in a very friendly public school.
Over time we made a zillion school acquaintances and about 5 sets of family friends who now (10 years later) we are very close to (dinners out, parties, even vacations and holiday gatherings). Along the way we met many other school families like us: those who moved to DC knowing no-one. Some have since moved on again. Some have stuck. DC is a super transient place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How on earth could this make you miserable? You aren't going to school there, your kid is. You can't make polite conversation for 5 minutes with whoever sits next to you on parent night?

.

You sound like one of the parents that contribute to the misery. OP I get it and relate. Your concern is a human one and we adults go through. It's hard making connections. There must be a few nice parents in the school. Find those parents!

[Anonymous]

When you realize it is the children of these parents you have chosen as your child’s friends, it’s interesting that you don’t question the choice of school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and I don't know what to do about it. It is a great school but I am miserable.My kids seem happy and that its what matters. I am miserable

How long have you been there? It's possible that connections will grow over time.

I have nothing in common with the parents at the school my child goes to and yet everyone is cordial and welcoming and I am definitely not miserable.

Is it a matter of you hoped to get your own friends when you enrolled your child? Say more so we understand why you are miserable, sounds like you are having a hard time with the unmet expectations.

I hav

Different poster here.

The thing is that at some schools, many people are NOT cordial or welcoming. That is the problem. I am NOT looking for my new BFFs or even friends but it would be nice if people who I chatted with 2 or 3 times at previous events would even acknowledge me when passing at the next event It's just weird. I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday and have been in many DC circles of busy people who still manage to engage politely with others. So when SAHMs of high schoolers at our school look through me (and others) I know it's not because they're "too busy"; rather that they're just being obnoxious.
Vent over: I have met some lovely people and have a dozen or so I can chat with at events and a few that I will probably keep in touch with long after my kids graduate. But the rest I could really do without.

You sound lovely…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. We’re new to a school too and have met some parents who seem like decent human beings, but we’re not going to be best friends. DC has made friends and I’ve gotten emails asking about play dates. Maybe eventually he will click with a kid who has parents I click with, but if it doesn’t happen that’s fine.

To that point, I’m not sure I’m comfortable leaving him at a house alone with people I don’t know. Not sure I’ll feel comfortable doing that for several years actually. So do I just tell them i’m staying or suggest another location?

Offer to host at your house. If the mom is home, why would you be reluctant to leave your child for a play date?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and I don't know what to do about it. It is a great school but I am miserable.My kids seem happy and that its what matters. I am miserable

How long have you been there? It's possible that connections will grow over time.

I have nothing in common with the parents at the school my child goes to and yet everyone is cordial and welcoming and I am definitely not miserable.

Is it a matter of you hoped to get your own friends when you enrolled your child? Say more so we understand why you are miserable, sounds like you are having a hard time with the unmet expectations.

I hav

Different poster here.

The thing is that at some schools, many people are NOT cordial or welcoming. That is the problem. I am NOT looking for my new BFFs or even friends but it would be nice if people who I chatted with 2 or 3 times at previous events would even acknowledge me when passing at the next event It's just weird. I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday and have been in many DC circles of busy people who still manage to engage politely with others. So when SAHMs of high schoolers at our school look through me (and others) I know it's not because they're "too busy"; rather that they're just being obnoxious.
Vent over: I have met some lovely people and have a dozen or so I can chat with at events and a few that I will probably keep in touch with long after my kids graduate. But the rest I could really do without.

Not a private school situation. It's the mean high school kids not changing and being mean adults. Why do you want to be friends with people who make you feel bad? You have a few people who you say are lovely so put your energy there makes more sense.

Good question. I don't want to be friends with them. But being ignored and/or looked through by a large sector of a community that you are part of is grates over time and is quietly stressful/annoying. I don't think anyone likes that feeling. I'm 47 years old with teenagers and a high level job. I probably shouldn't give a crap but I don't like it. And this school is the only place I've felt this way since I was literally a teenager myself. I've never been treated this way in a professional setting, another DC social setting, etc.
I know I'm not alone because those I am friends with at the school (also highly functional professionals) are always quick to ask (prior to school-wide events) "are you going?" "will you be there?" Every time. It's like we cling to each others for a few friendly faces amongst a decidedly unfriendly crowd.
So why do we put up with this BS? Well the education is excellent, our kids are high schoolers who are reasonably happy (hard to move them) and it's fundamentally not about us.

Elementary school parent here, but we all text each other to see who is going. Are some friend groups bigger than others? Sure. Is there always the 2-3 moms who seem to know everyone and also know the teachers - definitely.

Is it possible that your child at this school is your oldest and other parents have been part of this school community for multiple years before? I definitely felt like I was on the periphery when my oldest was in K. Now my youngest is in K and to other K parents it might seem like I know lots of people and am welcomed. I promise I am the same awkward, shy person who is on the periphery of several social groups that I’ve always been - I just have 4 years of small talk with the same people in my favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How on earth could this make you miserable? You aren't going to school there, your kid is. You can't make polite conversation for 5 minutes with whoever sits next to you on parent night?

There you are! You're the person OP is talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and I don't know what to do about it. It is a great school but I am miserable.My kids seem happy and that its what matters. I am miserable

You must be at Flint Hill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and I don't know what to do about it. It is a great school but I am miserable.My kids seem happy and that its what matters. I am miserable

How long have you been there? It's possible that connections will grow over time.

I have nothing in common with the parents at the school my child goes to and yet everyone is cordial and welcoming and I am definitely not miserable.

Is it a matter of you hoped to get your own friends when you enrolled your child? Say more so we understand why you are miserable, sounds like you are having a hard time with the unmet expectations.

I hav

Different poster here.

The thing is that at some schools, many people are NOT cordial or welcoming. That is the problem. I am NOT looking for my new BFFs or even friends but it would be nice if people who I chatted with 2 or 3 times at previous events would even acknowledge me when passing at the next event It's just weird. I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday and have been in many DC circles of busy people who still manage to engage politely with others. So when SAHMs of high schoolers at our school look through me (and others) I know it's not because they're "too busy"; rather that they're just being obnoxious.
Vent over: I have met some lovely people and have a dozen or so I can chat with at events and a few that I will probably keep in touch with long after my kids graduate. But the rest I could really do without.

You sound lovely…

OP, I was a SAHM and watched a large group of women pulling these freeze-outs at my DC's school (elementary). Some of these women were SAHMs, some worked, one was a childless aunt who didn't work, but the child's mom worked. The thing they had in common was they were mean, and they really wanted to make the singled-out moms feel bad. They were deliberately trying to make them feel bad. You feel bad because they're playing a subtle malicious game, with you as the target. It was rather fascinating to watch them in action, like watching a poisonous snake slithering across a parking lot.

Don't take it personally. They're probably jealous of your career and your other credentials.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve found my people at our private but some of the other parents are really unfriendly. My kid and a friend wanted to get together on a Friday after school. I don’t know the mom but we have an online directory so I texted the number for the mom. Nothing, I emailed the mom, still nothing. I told DD I’ve done all I can do. I don’t get it, we were new last year and my kid is in 5th. I really think you need to find your people though OP. They are out there, just just might not be who you think they are. Volunteer for stuff, join the pta/pto if there is one etc.

Huh?? That's it? Do you know if that is a cell or a landline where you are texting??Do you think that the email could be a catch all email for her and not her work email? I usually don't hand out my cell or my work email for a student directory. You sound like you want to take offense.

if it’s a landline the text bounces back and tell you it’s a landline. I’ve tried 2 methods of contact, not sure what else to do without looking desperate or like a stalker.

[Anonymous]

I was a parent and teacher at the same school. Parents would vent to me about these kinds of things.

Not saying this is your situation, but some things that came up:

1) A kid would not get invited to playdates (and the parents would get shunned) because the kid got in trouble in class. Small things like drawing a weird picture (violent) or pulling on someone's pony tail. Instead of criticizing the kid directly, parents would avoid the family b/c their kid was uncomfortable.

2) Drinking. Too much or too little. (You or them)

3) People going through marital issues themselves kept their circle of friends close. They are holding on to people they trust and worry about newbies.

4) Competition. Some people would have their kids trying out for travel sports or theatre and would avoid talented kids b/c they didn't want more people in the ring fighting for their spot.

5) The scarlet letter. You could have made friends with someone that other people don't like to be around. Join a committee. It sucks but you will get the inside scoop.

6) Less money. Not that you have less money (who cares), but that someone has a smaller house or something and they don't want to "host" a playdate, but they can't necessarily come to yours. Larger group events in a financially neutral place, like a park by school, could help.

7) Someone is creepy. Could be a sibling or a spouse or something else. I have avoided playdates where the supervision is "loose" and some parent I liked as friends, I had to side-step because one of my kids didn't like their scary dog, the way "Grandma" insisted on hugs & kisses from friends, etc., or a brother always wanted to wrestle. Not saying you have that going on, but it is the kind of thing you wouldn't say out loud, but work around.

8) Language. Cursing or off-color stories. I heard a parent cursing in a restaurant yesterday (kid was in middle school) and I was relieved that they had good communication, but I know some parents would be clutching their pearls.

If you go to a lot of events and share group photos with other parents it is an unobtrusive way to connect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I was a parent and teacher at the same school. Parents would vent to me about these kinds of things.

Not saying this is your situation, but some things that came up:

1) A kid would not get invited to playdates (and the parents would get shunned) because the kid got in trouble in class. Small things like drawing a weird picture (violent) or pulling on someone's pony tail. Instead of criticizing the kid directly, parents would avoid the family b/c their kid was uncomfortable.

2) Drinking. Too much or too little. (You or them)

3) People going through marital issues themselves kept their circle of friends close. They are holding on to people they trust and worry about newbies.

4) Competition. Some people would have their kids trying out for travel sports or theatre and would avoid talented kids b/c they didn't want more people in the ring fighting for their spot.

5) The scarlet letter. You could have made friends with someone that other people don't like to be around. Join a committee. It sucks but you will get the inside scoop.

6) Less money. Not that you have less money (who cares), but that someone has a smaller house or something and they don't want to "host" a playdate, but they can't necessarily come to yours. Larger group events in a financially neutral place, like a park by school, could help.

7) Someone is creepy. Could be a sibling or a spouse or something else. I have avoided playdates where the supervision is "loose" and some parent I liked as friends, I had to side-step because one of my kids didn't like their scary dog, the way "Grandma" insisted on hugs & kisses from friends, etc., or a brother always wanted to wrestle. Not saying you have that going on, but it is the kind of thing you wouldn't say out loud, but work around.

8) Language. Cursing or off-color stories. I heard a parent cursing in a restaurant yesterday (kid was in middle school) and I was relieved that they had good communication, but I know some parents would be clutching their pearls.

If you go to a lot of events and share group photos with other parents it is an unobtrusive way to connect.

Yes- all true. But there are some people at every school who have friends from preschool or their club and are not interested in adding more to the mix even if you’re fun and great. Some of those people, rude as it is, won’t respond to a text or email. Tell your kid this other kid/the mom are very busy and wait for another play date option emerges. It doesn’t feel good, but please know it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was a parent and teacher at the same school. Parents would vent to me about these kinds of things.

Not saying this is your situation, but some things that came up:

1) A kid would not get invited to playdates (and the parents would get shunned) because the kid got in trouble in class. Small things like drawing a weird picture (violent) or pulling on someone's pony tail. Instead of criticizing the kid directly, parents would avoid the family b/c their kid was uncomfortable.

2) Drinking. Too much or too little. (You or them)

3) People going through marital issues themselves kept their circle of friends close. They are holding on to people they trust and worry about newbies.

4) Competition. Some people would have their kids trying out for travel sports or theatre and would avoid talented kids b/c they didn't want more people in the ring fighting for their spot.

5) The scarlet letter. You could have made friends with someone that other people don't like to be around. Join a committee. It sucks but you will get the inside scoop.

6) Less money. Not that you have less money (who cares), but that someone has a smaller house or something and they don't want to "host" a playdate, but they can't necessarily come to yours. Larger group events in a financially neutral place, like a park by school, could help.

7) Someone is creepy. Could be a sibling or a spouse or something else. I have avoided playdates where the supervision is "loose" and some parent I liked as friends, I had to side-step because one of my kids didn't like their scary dog, the way "Grandma" insisted on hugs & kisses from friends, etc., or a brother always wanted to wrestle. Not saying you have that going on, but it is the kind of thing you wouldn't say out loud, but work around.

8) Language. Cursing or off-color stories. I heard a parent cursing in a restaurant yesterday (kid was in middle school) and I was relieved that they had good communication, but I know some parents would be clutching their pearls.

If you go to a lot of events and share group photos with other parents it is an unobtrusive way to connect.

Yes- all true. But there are some people at every school who have friends from preschool or their club and are not interested in adding more to the mix even if you’re fun and great. Some of those people, rude as it is, won’t respond to a text or email. Tell your kid this other kid/the mom are very busy and wait for another play date option emerges. It doesn’t feel good, but please know it happens.

This. Op sorry and I totally can see how it can affect your experience. Some schools are notorious for having a smaller dominant social group run everything in the community and they let it be known that they are friends and their kids are friends and you are not. That can make social events uncomfortable and yes parents should be able to connect and feel good at their kids schools. Don’t shame op.

I just witness a mean mom totally put her back to another mom at an event the other night. It was so rude and so obvious to me and others. I tried to include the other mom but she gave up and walked away. I have seen this same mean mom and her friends do this on several occasions.