DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you “compromised” on a kid he initially didn’t want, and then took a job that reduced the amount of parenting you could do, without making any allowance for increased childcare, and your husband’s reaction to that is unpleasant for you?

Ok.

Nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. Do not inflict this man on DC #2. My daughter has always felt, deep in her bones, that there is something wrong with her relationship with her father. Which translates to her feeling there is something not quite good enough about HER.

Count your blessings and stick with one.

+1

I’m the daughter in this situation and I’ve had low self esteem all my life. I’ve had anorexia since 14.

It really messes with a girl to know that her father doesn’t really love her.

Oh please.

You cannot blame your dad for your anorexia.

In therapy I worked out that I developed anorexia as a way to punish myself because I hate myself. Reply hate myself because my father showed me that I was unwanted/annoying/a burden.

Im in therapy for something else but my therapist wanted to get to the root of my self loathing and she says it’s always something foundational in childhood.

I am sick of blaming parents for all your ills. I was a planned child but my mother died when I was four and my father was in the military. I lived with my aunt, mother's sister, for a year. At age 5 he put me in a boarding school and I spent two years there without seeing him because he was overseas. After that, I saw him as Christmas and spent two months in summer at my aunt's. I turned out fine--no eating disorders, I don't hate my father because he did the best he could.

We make our own decisions as adults and we live with the consequences.

No one cares what you “are sick of.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. Do not inflict this man on DC #2. My daughter has always felt, deep in her bones, that there is something wrong with her relationship with her father. Which translates to her feeling there is something not quite good enough about HER.

Count your blessings and stick with one.

+1

I’m the daughter in this situation and I’ve had low self esteem all my life. I’ve had anorexia since 14.

It really messes with a girl to know that her father doesn’t really love her.

Oh please.

You cannot blame your dad for your anorexia.

In therapy I worked out that I developed anorexia as a way to punish myself because I hate myself. Reply hate myself because my father showed me that I was unwanted/annoying/a burden.

Im in therapy for something else but my therapist wanted to get to the root of my self loathing and she says it’s always something foundational in childhood.

I am sick of blaming parents for all your ills. I was a planned child but my mother died when I was four and my father was in the military. I lived with my aunt, mother's sister, for a year. At age 5 he put me in a boarding school and I spent two years there without seeing him because he was overseas. After that, I saw him as Christmas and spent two months in summer at my aunt's. I turned out fine--no eating disorders, I don't hate my father because he did the best he could.

We make our own decisions as adults and we live with the consequences.

You should definitely be in therapy to understand empathy. The bolded is COMPLETELY different from the PP you are responding to.

Buzz off! I am a grown woman and I am responsible for my life and choices. Blaming everyone else in your life for your bad choices or choices and actions of your parents is counterproductive.

You soundike you don’t know much about eating disorders tbh. EDs are addictions. They’re often lifelong. You can go through periods of being “in remission” so to speak but then it comes back in times of stress. Much like substance addictions.

It’s totally plausible to me that a girl feeling resented and unwanted can by her father could cause one then it becomes an addictive, maladaptive behavior that is very difficult to get rid of.

No. I do not believe in eating disorders. My nephew, supposedly, had an eating disorder and only ate three things--pizza, spaghetti, and PB&J sandwiches on white bread. He wanted to visit my family and I told him that he would eat what I served or go hungry. He ate seconds of just about everything. He finally admitted that he only had his "eating disorder" with his mother. I also don't believe in blaming everyone else in your life for your problems.

I also have zero tolerance for alcoholics and drug addicts. Choices have consequences.

Oh, you’re dumb. I see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. Do not inflict this man on DC #2. My daughter has always felt, deep in her bones, that there is something wrong with her relationship with her father. Which translates to her feeling there is something not quite good enough about HER.

Count your blessings and stick with one.

+1

I’m the daughter in this situation and I’ve had low self esteem all my life. I’ve had anorexia since 14.

It really messes with a girl to know that her father doesn’t really love her.

Oh please.

You cannot blame your dad for your anorexia.

In therapy I worked out that I developed anorexia as a way to punish myself because I hate myself. Reply hate myself because my father showed me that I was unwanted/annoying/a burden.

Im in therapy for something else but my therapist wanted to get to the root of my self loathing and she says it’s always something foundational in childhood.

I am sick of blaming parents for all your ills. I was a planned child but my mother died when I was four and my father was in the military. I lived with my aunt, mother's sister, for a year. At age 5 he put me in a boarding school and I spent two years there without seeing him because he was overseas. After that, I saw him as Christmas and spent two months in summer at my aunt's. I turned out fine--no eating disorders, I don't hate my father because he did the best he could.

We make our own decisions as adults and we live with the consequences.

You should definitely be in therapy to understand empathy. The bolded is COMPLETELY different from the PP you are responding to.

Buzz off! I am a grown woman and I am responsible for my life and choices. Blaming everyone else in your life for your bad choices or choices and actions of your parents is counterproductive.

You soundike you don’t know much about eating disorders tbh. EDs are addictions. They’re often lifelong. You can go through periods of being “in remission” so to speak but then it comes back in times of stress. Much like substance addictions.

It’s totally plausible to me that a girl feeling resented and unwanted can by her father could cause one then it becomes an addictive, maladaptive behavior that is very difficult to get rid of.

No. I do not believe in eating disorders. My nephew, supposedly, had an eating disorder and only ate three things--pizza, spaghetti, and PB&J sandwiches on white bread. He wanted to visit my family and I told him that he would eat what I served or go hungry. He ate seconds of just about everything. He finally admitted that he only had his "eating disorder" with his mother. I also don't believe in blaming everyone else in your life for your problems.

I also have zero tolerance for alcoholics and drug addicts. Choices have consequences.

The bootstrap brigade has arrived. It’s been a good chat but it’s time to end the thread.

Yeah, we know who this buffoon voted for (or, if they’re an even bigger buffoon, maybe the “Libertarian” candidate).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is hands down the most selfless act imaginable. Atleast it should be. If there’s anything I’ve learned as a parent of little ones during COVID, it’s that so.many.adults (particularly in our area) refuse to give up anything for kids. It’s incredible. I’m pretty certain most generations before us knew that having kids entailed sacrifices, so this will be an interesting experiment to watch this generation grow.

Your husband sounds like a narcissist.

This is hilarious to me. The current child-centered generation does so much more for their kids (not always to their benefit) than previous generations.

That PP is whining about COVID school “closures,” which of course weren’t really school closures, but building closures and pivoting to another manner of delivery, just like millions of other jobs in the pandemic, but these people don’t care about facts or reason, so don’t bother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is hands down the most selfless act imaginable. Atleast it should be. If there’s anything I’ve learned as a parent of little ones during COVID, it’s that so.many.adults (particularly in our area) refuse to give up anything for kids. It’s incredible. I’m pretty certain most generations before us knew that having kids entailed sacrifices, so this will be an interesting experiment to watch this generation grow.

Your husband sounds like a narcissist.

This is hilarious to me. The current child-centered generation does so much more for their kids (not always to their benefit) than previous generations.

That PP is whining about COVID school “closures,” which of course weren’t really school closures, but building closures and pivoting to another manner of delivery, just like millions of other jobs in the pandemic, but these people don’t care about facts or reason, so don’t bother.

This is totally a derail, but no, my kid doing virtual kindergarten was not just "pivoting to another manner of delivery" like ordering groceries online and you know it. If you really think education in school is literally only content delivery, we should just close the schools and provide each family with a laptop, series of workbook, and set of videos, it would certainly be more cost effective.

This also has nothing to do with OP. I supported school closures based on the (lack of) data and vaccines we had at the time, but recognizing that they were indeed closures with a cost is totally different than just not wanting to parent your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....? Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.

Actually it’s the people suggesting OP give up her dream job that are bonkers. Also he is not doing the bulk of household but finally being asked to do 50% of the childrearing instead of almost nothing. Ie he is finally being asked to be an adult in any equal partnership rather than being taken care of by a wife and protected from the challenging tasks of parenting.

Outsourcing his fair share is a reasonable suggestion as is the suggestion that he be responsible in financing that,

In most households with 2 working parents, both parents are working during the daytime, and they come home and split childcare duties at night. There are always 2 pairs of hands on deck. Or there might be alternate nights where one parent gets to go out and do something fun, and the next night it's the other parent's turn. But that's not what it sounds like is happening here. DH is coming home after a full day of work, and then his wife is working and he is saddled with all of the evening childcare. That's not a healthy setup for anyone. Their options are to get full time childcare during the day so they are both on deck in the evenings, or she can quit her low-paying hobby job. Another option would be to get an evening mother's helper, a teen who will work for a lower pay rate and make evenings easier. But it still doesn't seem fair to the father to have to single parent every day of the week in the evenings.

The only reason she is working evenings is that they only have part time childcare which means she is the childcare during the rest of the daytime hours. Plenty of people save on childcare by shifting work schedules so that one parent is on childcare duty while the other works and vice versa. Op has said childcare is 50-50. op has a full day of work which she splits between daytime and evening - her dh has a full days of work and covers evenings. This is fair. It’s her DREAM job not a hobby job. She’s been supporting him now it’s his turn to reciprocate.

If it's so low pay that it can't cover basic childcare, then it's a HOBBY JOB. Not a real job.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you “compromised” on a kid he initially didn’t want, and then took a job that reduced the amount of parenting you could do, without making any allowance for increased childcare, and your husband’s reaction to that is unpleasant for you?

Ok.

This is an accurate summary. You don’t have enough childcare OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....? Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.

Actually it’s the people suggesting OP give up her dream job that are bonkers. Also he is not doing the bulk of household but finally being asked to do 50% of the childrearing instead of almost nothing. Ie he is finally being asked to be an adult in any equal partnership rather than being taken care of by a wife and protected from the challenging tasks of parenting.

Outsourcing his fair share is a reasonable suggestion as is the suggestion that he be responsible in financing that,

In most households with 2 working parents, both parents are working during the daytime, and they come home and split childcare duties at night. There are always 2 pairs of hands on deck. Or there might be alternate nights where one parent gets to go out and do something fun, and the next night it's the other parent's turn. But that's not what it sounds like is happening here. DH is coming home after a full day of work, and then his wife is working and he is saddled with all of the evening childcare. That's not a healthy setup for anyone. Their options are to get full time childcare during the day so they are both on deck in the evenings, or she can quit her low-paying hobby job. Another option would be to get an evening mother's helper, a teen who will work for a lower pay rate and make evenings easier. But it still doesn't seem fair to the father to have to single parent every day of the week in the evenings.

The only reason she is working evenings is that they only have part time childcare which means she is the childcare during the rest of the daytime hours. Plenty of people save on childcare by shifting work schedules so that one parent is on childcare duty while the other works and vice versa. Op has said childcare is 50-50. op has a full day of work which she splits between daytime and evening - her dh has a full days of work and covers evenings. This is fair. It’s her DREAM job not a hobby job. She’s been supporting him now it’s his turn to reciprocate.

If it's so low pay that it can't cover basic childcare, then it's a HOBBY JOB. Not a real job.

+1

Again the husbands job does not pay enough for childcare either so he that would mean he has a hobby job too!!!

Many jobs don’t pay enough for childcare l. It’s ridiculous to dismiss them as hobby jobs. Husband needs to find a higher paying job so he can outsource his fair share of childcare. (Op is not complaining about her fair share…)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....? Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.

Actually it’s the people suggesting OP give up her dream job that are bonkers. Also he is not doing the bulk of household but finally being asked to do 50% of the childrearing instead of almost nothing. Ie he is finally being asked to be an adult in any equal partnership rather than being taken care of by a wife and protected from the challenging tasks of parenting.

Outsourcing his fair share is a reasonable suggestion as is the suggestion that he be responsible in financing that,

In most households with 2 working parents, both parents are working during the daytime, and they come home and split childcare duties at night. There are always 2 pairs of hands on deck. Or there might be alternate nights where one parent gets to go out and do something fun, and the next night it's the other parent's turn. But that's not what it sounds like is happening here. DH is coming home after a full day of work, and then his wife is working and he is saddled with all of the evening childcare. That's not a healthy setup for anyone. Their options are to get full time childcare during the day so they are both on deck in the evenings, or she can quit her low-paying hobby job. Another option would be to get an evening mother's helper, a teen who will work for a lower pay rate and make evenings easier. But it still doesn't seem fair to the father to have to single parent every day of the week in the evenings.

The only reason she is working evenings is that they only have part time childcare which means she is the childcare during the rest of the daytime hours. Plenty of people save on childcare by shifting work schedules so that one parent is on childcare duty while the other works and vice versa. Op has said childcare is 50-50. op has a full day of work which she splits between daytime and evening - her dh has a full days of work and covers evenings. This is fair. It’s her DREAM job not a hobby job. She’s been supporting him now it’s his turn to reciprocate.

If it's so low pay that it can't cover basic childcare, then it's a HOBBY JOB. Not a real job.

+1

Again the husbands job does not pay enough for childcare either so he that would mean he has a hobby job too!!!

Many jobs don’t pay enough for childcare l. It’s ridiculous to dismiss them as hobby jobs. Husband needs to find a higher paying job so he can outsource his fair share of childcare. (Op is not complaining about her fair share…)

They have part time childcare because she used to work part time. Now she is working full time with seemingly no increase in pay. It’s not the end of the world but people have to be onboard for that IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....? Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.

Actually it’s the people suggesting OP give up her dream job that are bonkers. Also he is not doing the bulk of household but finally being asked to do 50% of the childrearing instead of almost nothing. Ie he is finally being asked to be an adult in any equal partnership rather than being taken care of by a wife and protected from the challenging tasks of parenting.

Outsourcing his fair share is a reasonable suggestion as is the suggestion that he be responsible in financing that,

In most households with 2 working parents, both parents are working during the daytime, and they come home and split childcare duties at night. There are always 2 pairs of hands on deck. Or there might be alternate nights where one parent gets to go out and do something fun, and the next night it's the other parent's turn. But that's not what it sounds like is happening here. DH is coming home after a full day of work, and then his wife is working and he is saddled with all of the evening childcare. That's not a healthy setup for anyone. Their options are to get full time childcare during the day so they are both on deck in the evenings, or she can quit her low-paying hobby job. Another option would be to get an evening mother's helper, a teen who will work for a lower pay rate and make evenings easier. But it still doesn't seem fair to the father to have to single parent every day of the week in the evenings.

The only reason she is working evenings is that they only have part time childcare which means she is the childcare during the rest of the daytime hours. Plenty of people save on childcare by shifting work schedules so that one parent is on childcare duty while the other works and vice versa. Op has said childcare is 50-50. op has a full day of work which she splits between daytime and evening - her dh has a full days of work and covers evenings. This is fair. It’s her DREAM job not a hobby job. She’s been supporting him now it’s his turn to reciprocate.

If it's so low pay that it can't cover basic childcare, then it's a HOBBY JOB. Not a real job.

+1

Again the husbands job does not pay enough for childcare either so he that would mean he has a hobby job too!!!

Many jobs don’t pay enough for childcare l. It’s ridiculous to dismiss them as hobby jobs. Husband needs to find a higher paying job so he can outsource his fair share of childcare. (Op is not complaining about her fair share…)

Not accurate. The husbands job paid enough for her to work PT and still cover all their household bills. The husband was apparently already beating most of the financial load. Now she changed jobs which has added to their household costs (both time and money) without bringing in any additional income. And you think the husband should bear all that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....? Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.

Actually it’s the people suggesting OP give up her dream job that are bonkers. Also he is not doing the bulk of household but finally being asked to do 50% of the childrearing instead of almost nothing. Ie he is finally being asked to be an adult in any equal partnership rather than being taken care of by a wife and protected from the challenging tasks of parenting.

Outsourcing his fair share is a reasonable suggestion as is the suggestion that he be responsible in financing that,

In most households with 2 working parents, both parents are working during the daytime, and they come home and split childcare duties at night. There are always 2 pairs of hands on deck. Or there might be alternate nights where one parent gets to go out and do something fun, and the next night it's the other parent's turn. But that's not what it sounds like is happening here. DH is coming home after a full day of work, and then his wife is working and he is saddled with all of the evening childcare. That's not a healthy setup for anyone. Their options are to get full time childcare during the day so they are both on deck in the evenings, or she can quit her low-paying hobby job. Another option would be to get an evening mother's helper, a teen who will work for a lower pay rate and make evenings easier. But it still doesn't seem fair to the father to have to single parent every day of the week in the evenings.

The only reason she is working evenings is that they only have part time childcare which means she is the childcare during the rest of the daytime hours. Plenty of people save on childcare by shifting work schedules so that one parent is on childcare duty while the other works and vice versa. Op has said childcare is 50-50. op has a full day of work which she splits between daytime and evening - her dh has a full days of work and covers evenings. This is fair. It’s her DREAM job not a hobby job. She’s been supporting him now it’s his turn to reciprocate.

If it's so low pay that it can't cover basic childcare, then it's a HOBBY JOB. Not a real job.

+1

Again the husbands job does not pay enough for childcare either so he that would mean he has a hobby job too!!!

Many jobs don’t pay enough for childcare l. It’s ridiculous to dismiss them as hobby jobs. Husband needs to find a higher paying job so he can outsource his fair share of childcare. (Op is not complaining about her fair share…)

Not accurate. The husbands job paid enough for her to work PT and still cover all their household bills. The husband was apparently already beating most of the financial load. Now she changed jobs which has added to their household costs (both time and money) without bringing in any additional income. And you think the husband should bear all that?

+1 I would normally be on team DW, and have posted as such prior to OP providing more details of her "PT" job, but if you don't make enough to cover for childcare then it makes zero sense to work.

I am not one to say that "he who makes the most makes all the decision", but it doesn't make sense to go from PT to FT without being able to pay for additional childcare.

OP is finding that working FT and taking care of kids is tough. Yep, it's tough. Many of us do it, but most of us do it with FT childcare, not PT.

You cannot expect your DH to work FT and then cover for the time that your kid doesn't have childcare. You clearly cannot do it yourself, so why on earth do you think your DH should be able to do it?

I sure wouldn't want to do that, either.

When we both worked FT, we had FT childcare. When I went PT, I took care of childcare for the time that kids didn't have childcare.

You are asking for too much there.

I don't think this is about your DH not being able to stand having two kids. This is about him not wanting to take on your share of the load, and I don't blame him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....? Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.

It doesn’t matter what he wanted. It matters what he has.

He has two kids and he’s being a bad dad to them. Period, end of. He needs to get over himself and stop acting like such a child himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....? Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.

Actually it’s the people suggesting OP give up her dream job that are bonkers. Also he is not doing the bulk of household but finally being asked to do 50% of the childrearing instead of almost nothing. Ie he is finally being asked to be an adult in any equal partnership rather than being taken care of by a wife and protected from the challenging tasks of parenting.

Outsourcing his fair share is a reasonable suggestion as is the suggestion that he be responsible in financing that,

In most households with 2 working parents, both parents are working during the daytime, and they come home and split childcare duties at night. There are always 2 pairs of hands on deck. Or there might be alternate nights where one parent gets to go out and do something fun, and the next night it's the other parent's turn. But that's not what it sounds like is happening here. DH is coming home after a full day of work, and then his wife is working and he is saddled with all of the evening childcare. That's not a healthy setup for anyone. Their options are to get full time childcare during the day so they are both on deck in the evenings, or she can quit her low-paying hobby job. Another option would be to get an evening mother's helper, a teen who will work for a lower pay rate and make evenings easier. But it still doesn't seem fair to the father to have to single parent every day of the week in the evenings.

The only reason she is working evenings is that they only have part time childcare which means she is the childcare during the rest of the daytime hours. Plenty of people save on childcare by shifting work schedules so that one parent is on childcare duty while the other works and vice versa. Op has said childcare is 50-50. op has a full day of work which she splits between daytime and evening - her dh has a full days of work and covers evenings. This is fair. It’s her DREAM job not a hobby job. She’s been supporting him now it’s his turn to reciprocate.

If it's so low pay that it can't cover basic childcare, then it's a HOBBY JOB. Not a real job.

+1

Again the husbands job does not pay enough for childcare either so he that would mean he has a hobby job too!!!

Many jobs don’t pay enough for childcare l. It’s ridiculous to dismiss them as hobby jobs. Husband needs to find a higher paying job so he can outsource his fair share of childcare. (Op is not complaining about her fair share…)

They had a setup where they fit PT childcare into their budget and schedules, based on their combined earnings, that sounds like it was working OK.

OP is the one who wanted to make a major change to the schedule to take on a "dream job." This increased the need for childcare. It seems to me that as the one wanting to make the change, OP should be responsible for increasing earnings to cover it. I don't get why this is the husband's "fair share" - he's not the one who wanted to make the change. This isn't about whose salary it comes out of, it's about taking your family needs into account with career decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....? Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.

Actually it’s the people suggesting OP give up her dream job that are bonkers. Also he is not doing the bulk of household but finally being asked to do 50% of the childrearing instead of almost nothing. Ie he is finally being asked to be an adult in any equal partnership rather than being taken care of by a wife and protected from the challenging tasks of parenting.

Outsourcing his fair share is a reasonable suggestion as is the suggestion that he be responsible in financing that,

In most households with 2 working parents, both parents are working during the daytime, and they come home and split childcare duties at night. There are always 2 pairs of hands on deck. Or there might be alternate nights where one parent gets to go out and do something fun, and the next night it's the other parent's turn. But that's not what it sounds like is happening here. DH is coming home after a full day of work, and then his wife is working and he is saddled with all of the evening childcare. That's not a healthy setup for anyone. Their options are to get full time childcare during the day so they are both on deck in the evenings, or she can quit her low-paying hobby job. Another option would be to get an evening mother's helper, a teen who will work for a lower pay rate and make evenings easier. But it still doesn't seem fair to the father to have to single parent every day of the week in the evenings.

The only reason she is working evenings is that they only have part time childcare which means she is the childcare during the rest of the daytime hours. Plenty of people save on childcare by shifting work schedules so that one parent is on childcare duty while the other works and vice versa. Op has said childcare is 50-50. op has a full day of work which she splits between daytime and evening - her dh has a full days of work and covers evenings. This is fair. It’s her DREAM job not a hobby job. She’s been supporting him now it’s his turn to reciprocate.

If it's so low pay that it can't cover basic childcare, then it's a HOBBY JOB. Not a real job.

+1

Again the husbands job does not pay enough for childcare either so he that would mean he has a hobby job too!!!

Many jobs don’t pay enough for childcare l. It’s ridiculous to dismiss them as hobby jobs. Husband needs to find a higher paying job so he can outsource his fair share of childcare. (Op is not complaining about her fair share…)

They had a setup where they fit PT childcare into their budget and schedules, based on their combined earnings, that sounds like it was working OK.

OP is the one who wanted to make a major change to the schedule to take on a "dream job." This increased the need for childcare. It seems to me that as the one wanting to make the change, OP should be responsible for increasing earnings to cover it. I don't get why this is the husband's "fair share" - he's not the one who wanted to make the change. This isn't about whose salary it comes out of, it's about taking your family needs into account with career decisions.

PS I'm a DW working a "compromise" job in a lot of ways so I can pay our household bills and benefits to support my husband working a "dream" job. I've already walked away from MY "dream jobs" twice for the stability of our family. If he wanted to do something that didn't even pay for childcare so we'd basically have to work split shifts for a few years, that would be a hard no for me. People need to grow up. We don't all get all our dreams at the expense of other people's.