Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue

[Anonymous]

Good luck finding an extra frugal partner OP. You sound ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this your first serious relationship?

OP here. No. I’ve had 4 other serious relationships and and several casual relationships.

Five serious relationships but never married? Big red flag right there.

no it isn't. I am woman and had 6 relationships ranging from 1-3.5 years between college and age 34. Met my now husband at 36, no drama, 11 years on and not one disagreement abut money, life goals, expectations on what we are working towards together and parenting. Sometimes you gotta kiss a lot of frogs...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck finding an extra frugal partner OP. You sound ridiculous.

Yep, totally ridiculous, willing to spend 1.5 million on a house, bought a 20k ring, and doesn't want to pay for everything his fiance wants. The nerve!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck finding an extra frugal partner OP. You sound ridiculous.

Yep, totally ridiculous, willing to spend 1.5 million on a house, bought a 20k ring, and doesn't want to pay for everything his fiance wants. The nerve!

$1.5 million is not a huge budget for the neighborhoods OP mentioned. Maybe you’re not from this area?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck finding an extra frugal partner OP. You sound ridiculous.

Yep, totally ridiculous, willing to spend 1.5 million on a house, bought a 20k ring, and doesn't want to pay for everything his fiance wants. The nerve!

$1.5 million is not a huge budget for the neighborhoods OP mentioned. Maybe you’re not from this area?

I am from this area. Lived here 20 years. $1.5 is enough for a first time home in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it says a lot about you, OP, that you think “every important issue” in a relationship is about money.

In his particular case, many if not most of them are. She is not entitled to freeload off him and demand a high end lifestyle. Please don’t marry this person, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is she bringing to the table in all of this? Apart from a snotty attitude about other people's engagement rings?

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t realize this thread was still going.

I’ve had 4 other serious relationship. 3 in my twenties where it was serious but neither of us were at a point where we wanted to settle down at that age. My last was two years long and was very serious. I planned to marry her but ultimately she didn’t want kids and it ended. She felt like she needed to have kids because bed family was telling her that’s what is normal, but she told me when we were about to get engaged that she didn’t want kids, and didn’t feel right marrying me knowing I wanted kids. She said she loved me and didn’t want to lie to me. She tried to want those things but she just didn’t want kids. I loved her but I do want kids and decided it was best to end the relationship. That was two years ago and she has since married a man who also doesn’t want kids. We would be married today if she did want kids because she was an amazing partner and we got along very well.

I’ve lived in my parents paid off condo that they own but I have lived in with roommates and on my own when before moving in here two years ago. I’ve paid rent, paid utilities, and paid for my school on my own. I know how to function as an adult. I could have lived on more money, but I chose to save money because I want to make life easier for my future wife and kids.

I’m open to having a SAHM wife. My mother quit her job to raise me and my brother. I have a strong respect for women who want to stay home and I ultimately don’t care if my wife wants to stay home or work. I don’t mind supporting my family if my wife chooses to stay home. It’s just that she needs to understand that we can’t live beyond our means and have the most expensive everything. She will have full access to money and will never have to worry about looking over every expense. I’ve lived with my ex before this one for a year and never had an issue. I just want someone reasonable who will live within their means and not spend money or the point that we can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle.

I never said I would pay for the wedding and down payment, she just assumed. She was raised in an upper middle class family but she is not from a rich family. She does work and makes a good income. She does pay for her own apartment. I did pay for everything while we were together. When discussing finances, she just assumed I would pay for everything. We discussed my savings and I told her how I save most of my money because I want to be able to afford a house, have a wife who has the option to stay at home, have kids, etc. Besides groceries, she had never once paid for anything, and she just assumed I would pay for everything as well. I don’t mind paying for it, but the assumption that I would pay for it all feels like I’m being used.

I’m not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I just want someone who loves me and wants to be with me for more than what I can do for them. I want a real partner, not someone who sees me as their meal ticket. My parents have been married for over 40 years and have been an excellent example of what real love, commitment, and partnership is. I want that for my future kids.

She already paid her own rent. She lived with you for two months, in a condo that you do not have to pay rent on, and paid for groceries and "household things" (of course now you're erasing that as well). What did you want her to do, pay rent to you and for her apartment, when you live in a paid-off condo as a gift from your parents? Where is the money you think she owes you? Should she have taken over the light bill in addition to her own bills, while you save 90% of your income for a house? The more you post the crazier it seems that you're trying to paint her as a gold digger. You bought her a ring, which she gave back. Beyond that I don't see where she got any gold, but she did dodge a bullet.

I think you have something pathological going on with your savings. You like seeing it grow but are very upset at the idea of using it for its intended purpose. You say you were saving for a house, wedding, for your wife to be a SAHM, about half a dozen times in this thread. But when you propose to a woman who wants to buy a house and to stay at home after kids are born, you decide that she's materialistic for wanting the things you profess to want yourself. You can keep blaming her but you're the one who proposed to this person, and no she did not change her mind between making fun of someone else's ring for being small, telling you she wanted a big ring, and then telling you she wanted a bigger ring than what you bought. There's no change there. That's the same woman, behaving in the same way. The one you proposed to.

Are you being intentionally stupid or are you really that dense?

OP didn’t have an issue with buying a house - only that she wanted a house 1m more than he wanted. He budgeted for 1.5m and she wanted a 2.5m house.

He bought her a 20k 1.5 carat ring that she deemed “ too small”.

This is a woman who clearly wants to live an expensive life on OPs dime while complaining it’s never enough. The vast majority of 30 year old women would be happy with a 1.5 carat ring, 1.5m, and a man who makes 400k and has 2m in savings who wants to get married, have kids, and will support her decision to stay at home if she chooses. His ex is the unreasonable one.

+1. OP needs to find someone else. Most women will be thrilled with a man like OP what he can offer them.

+100 he dodged a bullet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Use the venue of the counseling to state that you want a prenup. And get one. Protect the $2M+ In assets you’ve worked so hard for.

This. She’ll run, because she will move on to her next enabler meal ticket, and you’ll be able to find someone better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is she bringing to the table in all of this? Apart from a snotty attitude about other people's engagement rings?

+1,000

18 pages and I have yet to figure that out except willing to spend his savings on a downpayment on a 2.5 million dollar home which is outside his budget. Oh, they had great sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck finding an extra frugal partner OP. You sound ridiculous.

Yep, totally ridiculous, willing to spend 1.5 million on a house, bought a 20k ring, and doesn't want to pay for everything his fiance wants. The nerve!

$1.5 million is not a huge budget for the neighborhoods OP mentioned. Maybe you’re not from this area?

Maybe you are not aware that not everyone in the DC metro Area can afford a 1.5 million home. A lot of us don't have family money and make $500k a year. Maybe get your head out of your a$$.

[Anonymous]

I have thought about this thread today.

I have a daughter who is sweet, pretty and smart. I don’t know what she will be when she grows up but I would think her future husband should be able to afford her a minimum lifestyle and living in a comfortable home and allowing her to stay home if she wants should be a minimum.

My daughter does come from privilege. She lives in a giant house in an affluent neighborhood, used to country club life and constant vacations. We don’t even think of these items as luxuries. They are part of our everyday lives.

We can and probably will pay for the wedding and can pay for the house easily. We probably will gift our children homes. I would not want the future husband to know that though. I would want him to love my daughter and want to provide these things. Of course if he is just starting out and can’t afford it, that is different and we would happily help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. My point was that every couple has differences in opinion about some spending or priorities whether it is house or vacations or whatever.

I know for me 1 vacation per year would be a dealbreaker. Maybe it is a dealbreaker for OP that his future wife wanted to be a SAHM.

You can’t base relationship decisions on number of vacations per year.

I have been married for 15 years. We go on 10 vacations per year - some small and some large. Dh doesn’t join us for all of them. He probably goes on 3-4 weeklong and then a handful of long weekends with us.

I once dated a guy who didn’t like to travel. He didn’t enjoy it and that was a dealbreaker for me. You can’t tell another person what is a dealbreaker for them.

Wow. You know this is not the experience of the vast majority of people, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck finding an extra frugal partner OP. You sound ridiculous.

Yep, totally ridiculous, willing to spend 1.5 million on a house, bought a 20k ring, and doesn't want to pay for everything his fiance wants. The nerve!

$1.5 million is not a huge budget for the neighborhoods OP mentioned. Maybe you’re not from this area?

Maybe you are not aware that not everyone in the DC metro Area can afford a 1.5 million home. A lot of us don't have family money and make $500k a year. Maybe get your head out of your a$$.

Do you live in the areas OP said they were looking at?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you love about her?

OP here. I love the way she makes me feel. She makes me feel comfortable around her and important. Before her doing the 180, she was very appreciative of everything I did for her, and wya acknowledged it. The gesture goes a long way and it was nice to be appreciated because there have been times I would pay for dinner without so much as an offer to spilt the check ( wouldn’t have but the gesture is important) or a simple thank you. The sex was amazing and she loved it multiple times a day. She was caring and affectionate. Very spontaneous and adventurous. There was never a dull moment or moments where I felt awkward or uncomfortable around her. I never felt a weird feeling during post but clarity. In fact, I felt intense love for her after. I loved her femininity, shared interests, her passion for her job, etc. So many things I can’t put down on here.

Unless you want those things living in a 2.5 million dollar, 5 bd home, with a SAH wife, and a nanny/helper, having brought a larger engagement ring and spending most of what you make, I’m gonna say you need to move on.

The whole “you weren’t the man she thought” and feeling disrespected because you wanted to go to counseling to talk through your differences - that’s manipulative. I’m not going to vilify her for wanting what she wants but she needs to own it and find a guy that wants the same things. If she doesn’t want to compromise on those things - she shouldn’t have to, but is also shouldn’t be that your the bad guy for gasp, having a backbone and preferences as well.

This. And the “amazing sex multiple times a day” was part of her lure to ensnare your wallet and never work another day in your life. It would not have continued if you married her. Be free!