Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you two really aren't compatible. Find someone else who wants to save money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t realize this thread was still going.

I’ve had 4 other serious relationship. 3 in my twenties where it was serious but neither of us were at a point where we wanted to settle down at that age. My last was two years long and was very serious. I planned to marry her but ultimately she didn’t want kids and it ended. She felt like she needed to have kids because bed family was telling her that’s what is normal, but she told me when we were about to get engaged that she didn’t want kids, and didn’t feel right marrying me knowing I wanted kids. She said she loved me and didn’t want to lie to me. She tried to want those things but she just didn’t want kids. I loved her but I do want kids and decided it was best to end the relationship. That was two years ago and she has since married a man who also doesn’t want kids. We would be married today if she did want kids because she was an amazing partner and we got along very well.

I’ve lived in my parents paid off condo that they own but I have lived in with roommates and on my own when before moving in here two years ago. I’ve paid rent, paid utilities, and paid for my school on my own. I know how to function as an adult. I could have lived on more money, but I chose to save money because I want to make life easier for my future wife and kids.

I’m open to having a SAHM wife. My mother quit her job to raise me and my brother. I have a strong respect for women who want to stay home and I ultimately don’t care if my wife wants to stay home or work. I don’t mind supporting my family if my wife chooses to stay home. It’s just that she needs to understand that we can’t live beyond our means and have the most expensive everything. She will have full access to money and will never have to worry about looking over every expense. I’ve lived with my ex before this one for a year and never had an issue. I just want someone reasonable who will live within their means and not spend money or the point that we can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle.

I never said I would pay for the wedding and down payment, she just assumed. She was raised in an upper middle class family but she is not from a rich family. She does work and makes a good income. She does pay for her own apartment. I did pay for everything while we were together. When discussing finances, she just assumed I would pay for everything. We discussed my savings and I told her how I save most of my money because I want to be able to afford a house, have a wife who has the option to stay at home, have kids, etc. Besides groceries, she had never once paid for anything, and she just assumed I would pay for everything as well. I don’t mind paying for it, but the assumption that I would pay for it all feels like I’m being used.

I’m not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I just want someone who loves me and wants to be with me for more than what I can do for them. I want a real partner, not someone who sees me as their meal ticket. My parents have been married for over 40 years and have been an excellent example of what real love, commitment, and partnership is. I want that for my future kids.

She already paid her own rent. She lived with you for two months, in a condo that you do not have to pay rent on, and paid for groceries and "household things" (of course now you're erasing that as well). What did you want her to do, pay rent to you and for her apartment, when you live in a paid-off condo as a gift from your parents? Where is the money you think she owes you? Should she have taken over the light bill in addition to her own bills, while you save 90% of your income for a house? The more you post the crazier it seems that you're trying to paint her as a gold digger. You bought her a ring, which she gave back. Beyond that I don't see where she got any gold, but she did dodge a bullet.

I think you have something pathological going on with your savings. You like seeing it grow but are very upset at the idea of using it for its intended purpose. You say you were saving for a house, wedding, for your wife to be a SAHM, about half a dozen times in this thread. But when you propose to a woman who wants to buy a house and to stay at home after kids are born, you decide that she's materialistic for wanting the things you profess to want yourself. You can keep blaming her but you're the one who proposed to this person, and no she did not change her mind between making fun of someone else's ring for being small, telling you she wanted a big ring, and then telling you she wanted a bigger ring than what you bought. There's no change there. That's the same woman, behaving in the same way. The one you proposed to.

Are you being intentionally stupid or are you really that dense?

OP didn’t have an issue with buying a house - only that she wanted a house 1m more than he wanted. He budgeted for 1.5m and she wanted a 2.5m house.

He bought her a 20k 1.5 carat ring that she deemed “ too small”.

This is a woman who clearly wants to live an expensive life on OPs dime while complaining it’s never enough. The vast majority of 30 year old women would be happy with a 1.5 carat ring, 1.5m, and a man who makes 400k and has 2m in savings who wants to get married, have kids, and will support her decision to stay at home if she chooses. His ex is the unreasonable one.

+1. OP needs to find someone else. Most women will be thrilled with a man like OP what he can offer them.

People are entitled to what they want. I was living in Manhattan when I got engaged. I was in my 20s and also earned 200k. I used to want to live in a nice apt in Columbus Circle that cost $5m. We just visited NYC and I just told my kids how my dream home was an apt in Columbus Circle and to have my kids have Central Park as their backyard. I never got that apt in Columbus Circle. Dh knew I wanted to live there. We never did buy an apt in Columbus Circle. We did have 2 kids before moving to the DC area and then had a third kid.

Dh paid for 99.9% of our dates. I did pick up take out and groceries. I also bought him clothes and tech gadgets like his first smart phone.

I just mentioned this thread to him and we mentioned the handful of people we knew who had separate finances and thought it was weird.

[Anonymous]

I think the original concern of OP was that he perceives that the fiancé has changed once they became engaged and appeared to have become more materialistic. This is an important discussion to have with his fiancé. Maybe you misunderstood her and now you are engaged you are hearing a different side to her. This is a great discussion to have with her before you get married. I thought you were okay with this, did I misunderstand. Did you change your mind? How can we compromise so we are both comfortable and are on the same page. I don’t think you should defend who you are OP. Are you and your fiancé able to work through this together. Would see this as a gift you had this happen before marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t realize this thread was still going.

I’ve had 4 other serious relationship. 3 in my twenties where it was serious but neither of us were at a point where we wanted to settle down at that age. My last was two years long and was very serious. I planned to marry her but ultimately she didn’t want kids and it ended. She felt like she needed to have kids because bed family was telling her that’s what is normal, but she told me when we were about to get engaged that she didn’t want kids, and didn’t feel right marrying me knowing I wanted kids. She said she loved me and didn’t want to lie to me. She tried to want those things but she just didn’t want kids. I loved her but I do want kids and decided it was best to end the relationship. That was two years ago and she has since married a man who also doesn’t want kids. We would be married today if she did want kids because she was an amazing partner and we got along very well.

I’ve lived in my parents paid off condo that they own but I have lived in with roommates and on my own when before moving in here two years ago. I’ve paid rent, paid utilities, and paid for my school on my own. I know how to function as an adult. I could have lived on more money, but I chose to save money because I want to make life easier for my future wife and kids.

I’m open to having a SAHM wife. My mother quit her job to raise me and my brother. I have a strong respect for women who want to stay home and I ultimately don’t care if my wife wants to stay home or work. I don’t mind supporting my family if my wife chooses to stay home. It’s just that she needs to understand that we can’t live beyond our means and have the most expensive everything. She will have full access to money and will never have to worry about looking over every expense. I’ve lived with my ex before this one for a year and never had an issue. I just want someone reasonable who will live within their means and not spend money or the point that we can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle.

I never said I would pay for the wedding and down payment, she just assumed. She was raised in an upper middle class family but she is not from a rich family. She does work and makes a good income. She does pay for her own apartment. I did pay for everything while we were together. When discussing finances, she just assumed I would pay for everything. We discussed my savings and I told her how I save most of my money because I want to be able to afford a house, have a wife who has the option to stay at home, have kids, etc. Besides groceries, she had never once paid for anything, and she just assumed I would pay for everything as well. I don’t mind paying for it, but the assumption that I would pay for it all feels like I’m being used.

I’m not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I just want someone who loves me and wants to be with me for more than what I can do for them. I want a real partner, not someone who sees me as their meal ticket. My parents have been married for over 40 years and have been an excellent example of what real love, commitment, and partnership is. I want that for my future kids.

She already paid her own rent. She lived with you for two months, in a condo that you do not have to pay rent on, and paid for groceries and "household things" (of course now you're erasing that as well). What did you want her to do, pay rent to you and for her apartment, when you live in a paid-off condo as a gift from your parents? Where is the money you think she owes you? Should she have taken over the light bill in addition to her own bills, while you save 90% of your income for a house? The more you post the crazier it seems that you're trying to paint her as a gold digger. You bought her a ring, which she gave back. Beyond that I don't see where she got any gold, but she did dodge a bullet.

I think you have something pathological going on with your savings. You like seeing it grow but are very upset at the idea of using it for its intended purpose. You say you were saving for a house, wedding, for your wife to be a SAHM, about half a dozen times in this thread. But when you propose to a woman who wants to buy a house and to stay at home after kids are born, you decide that she's materialistic for wanting the things you profess to want yourself. You can keep blaming her but you're the one who proposed to this person, and no she did not change her mind between making fun of someone else's ring for being small, telling you she wanted a big ring, and then telling you she wanted a bigger ring than what you bought. There's no change there. That's the same woman, behaving in the same way. The one you proposed to.

OP here. I never requested she pay for anything in the house. I know she had her own expenses. She did buy groceries and some household stuff on occasion. I paid for everything else. She had never once during our relationship paid for a date or an outing. We had gone on two vacations and I paid for everything. She didn’t buy me a gift for my bday or valentines days but I bought her expensive gifts for both. She gave me a bottle of wine for Christmas and homemade brownies. She makes $200k and has the means to support herself.

I paid for almost everything with my ex ex before this because I was raised that men are the main providers. She still made an effort to pay for dinner on occasion or buy me presents for my birthday.

The gesture is the important part for me. I didn’t think it was an issue then but now I’m starting to see that it was a problem. This is coming from women who have told me that she is a gold digger. I never once called her or that or thought she was one. I still don’t think she is. I just think we have different ideas of lifestyle we want and she is looking for man who will pay for everything for her.

OP, did you really have no clue that she wanted a different lifestyle than you are willing to contribute to? Does she wear cheap, frumpy clothes, no jewelry, hair only gets cut every six months, carrying an extra 10 pounds because she doesn’t want to pay for a gym or even new running shoes, living in a cheap crummy apartment and never spending money to socialize with friends?

You do realize many people have nice clothes, work out, and socialize with friends without having a high HHI? You don’t sound very smart.

DP. You are nitpicking at detail. The point is, did OP’s ex live a frugal lifestyle during their entire relationship, or did he enjoy having a girlfriend on his arm who dressed really well, got her hair cut and highlights touched up every six weeks, and went to SoulCycle three times a week so her ass would still look like it was 22 when they had all of that amazing sex? If she didn’t live a frugal lifestyle during the first year of their relationship, OP was fooling himself that she would start living one after they got engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t realize this thread was still going.

I’ve had 4 other serious relationship. 3 in my twenties where it was serious but neither of us were at a point where we wanted to settle down at that age. My last was two years long and was very serious. I planned to marry her but ultimately she didn’t want kids and it ended. She felt like she needed to have kids because bed family was telling her that’s what is normal, but she told me when we were about to get engaged that she didn’t want kids, and didn’t feel right marrying me knowing I wanted kids. She said she loved me and didn’t want to lie to me. She tried to want those things but she just didn’t want kids. I loved her but I do want kids and decided it was best to end the relationship. That was two years ago and she has since married a man who also doesn’t want kids. We would be married today if she did want kids because she was an amazing partner and we got along very well.

I’ve lived in my parents paid off condo that they own but I have lived in with roommates and on my own when before moving in here two years ago. I’ve paid rent, paid utilities, and paid for my school on my own. I know how to function as an adult. I could have lived on more money, but I chose to save money because I want to make life easier for my future wife and kids.

I’m open to having a SAHM wife. My mother quit her job to raise me and my brother. I have a strong respect for women who want to stay home and I ultimately don’t care if my wife wants to stay home or work. I don’t mind supporting my family if my wife chooses to stay home. It’s just that she needs to understand that we can’t live beyond our means and have the most expensive everything. She will have full access to money and will never have to worry about looking over every expense. I’ve lived with my ex before this one for a year and never had an issue. I just want someone reasonable who will live within their means and not spend money or the point that we can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle.

I never said I would pay for the wedding and down payment, she just assumed. She was raised in an upper middle class family but she is not from a rich family. She does work and makes a good income. She does pay for her own apartment. I did pay for everything while we were together. When discussing finances, she just assumed I would pay for everything. We discussed my savings and I told her how I save most of my money because I want to be able to afford a house, have a wife who has the option to stay at home, have kids, etc. Besides groceries, she had never once paid for anything, and she just assumed I would pay for everything as well. I don’t mind paying for it, but the assumption that I would pay for it all feels like I’m being used.

I’m not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I just want someone who loves me and wants to be with me for more than what I can do for them. I want a real partner, not someone who sees me as their meal ticket. My parents have been married for over 40 years and have been an excellent example of what real love, commitment, and partnership is. I want that for my future kids.

She already paid her own rent. She lived with you for two months, in a condo that you do not have to pay rent on, and paid for groceries and "household things" (of course now you're erasing that as well). What did you want her to do, pay rent to you and for her apartment, when you live in a paid-off condo as a gift from your parents? Where is the money you think she owes you? Should she have taken over the light bill in addition to her own bills, while you save 90% of your income for a house? The more you post the crazier it seems that you're trying to paint her as a gold digger. You bought her a ring, which she gave back. Beyond that I don't see where she got any gold, but she did dodge a bullet.

I think you have something pathological going on with your savings. You like seeing it grow but are very upset at the idea of using it for its intended purpose. You say you were saving for a house, wedding, for your wife to be a SAHM, about half a dozen times in this thread. But when you propose to a woman who wants to buy a house and to stay at home after kids are born, you decide that she's materialistic for wanting the things you profess to want yourself. You can keep blaming her but you're the one who proposed to this person, and no she did not change her mind between making fun of someone else's ring for being small, telling you she wanted a big ring, and then telling you she wanted a bigger ring than what you bought. There's no change there. That's the same woman, behaving in the same way. The one you proposed to.

Are you being intentionally stupid or are you really that dense?

OP didn’t have an issue with buying a house - only that she wanted a house 1m more than he wanted. He budgeted for 1.5m and she wanted a 2.5m house.

He bought her a 20k 1.5 carat ring that she deemed “ too small”.

This is a woman who clearly wants to live an expensive life on OPs dime while complaining it’s never enough. The vast majority of 30 year old women would be happy with a 1.5 carat ring, 1.5m, and a man who makes 400k and has 2m in savings who wants to get married, have kids, and will support her decision to stay at home if she chooses. His ex is the unreasonable one.

+1. OP needs to find someone else. Most women will be thrilled with a man like OP what he can offer them.

People are entitled to what they want. I was living in Manhattan when I got engaged. I was in my 20s and also earned 200k. I used to want to live in a nice apt in Columbus Circle that cost $5m. We just visited NYC and I just told my kids how my dream home was an apt in Columbus Circle and to have my kids have Central Park as their backyard. I never got that apt in Columbus Circle. Dh knew I wanted to live there. We never did buy an apt in Columbus Circle. We did have 2 kids before moving to the DC area and then had a third kid.

Dh paid for 99.9% of our dates. I did pick up take out and groceries. I also bought him clothes and tech gadgets like his first smart phone.

I just mentioned this thread to him and we mentioned the handful of people we knew who had separate finances and thought it was weird.

Nobody is saying she can't want what she wants. OP is not obligated to pay for it all and he doesn't want to. They weren't married so why is it odd their money was separated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the original concern of OP was that he perceives that the fiancé has changed once they became engaged and appeared to have become more materialistic. This is an important discussion to have with his fiancé. Maybe you misunderstood her and now you are engaged you are hearing a different side to her. This is a great discussion to have with her before you get married. I thought you were okay with this, did I misunderstand. Did you change your mind? How can we compromise so we are both comfortable and are on the same page. I don’t think you should defend who you are OP. Are you and your fiancé able to work through this together. Would see this as a gift you had this happen before marriage.

They already broke up, so you’re a little late with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the original concern of OP was that he perceives that the fiancé has changed once they became engaged and appeared to have become more materialistic. This is an important discussion to have with his fiancé. Maybe you misunderstood her and now you are engaged you are hearing a different side to her. This is a great discussion to have with her before you get married. I thought you were okay with this, did I misunderstand. Did you change your mind? How can we compromise so we are both comfortable and are on the same page. I don’t think you should defend who you are OP. Are you and your fiancé able to work through this together. Would see this as a gift you had this happen before marriage.

They already broke up, so you’re a little late with this.

People break up and get back together all the time.

I believe OP asked for the ring back, which would have pissed me off and I would also have left OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the original concern of OP was that he perceives that the fiancé has changed once they became engaged and appeared to have become more materialistic. This is an important discussion to have with his fiancé. Maybe you misunderstood her and now you are engaged you are hearing a different side to her. This is a great discussion to have with her before you get married. I thought you were okay with this, did I misunderstand. Did you change your mind? How can we compromise so we are both comfortable and are on the same page. I don’t think you should defend who you are OP. Are you and your fiancé able to work through this together. Would see this as a gift you had this happen before marriage.

They already broke up, so you’re a little late with this.

People break up and get back together all the time.

I believe OP asked for the ring back, which would have pissed me off and I would also have left OP.

She broke up with him after she agreed to go to counseling. He had every right to ask for his ring back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the original concern of OP was that he perceives that the fiancé has changed once they became engaged and appeared to have become more materialistic. This is an important discussion to have with his fiancé. Maybe you misunderstood her and now you are engaged you are hearing a different side to her. This is a great discussion to have with her before you get married. I thought you were okay with this, did I misunderstand. Did you change your mind? How can we compromise so we are both comfortable and are on the same page. I don’t think you should defend who you are OP. Are you and your fiancé able to work through this together. Would see this as a gift you had this happen before marriage.

They already broke up, so you’re a little late with this.

People break up and get back together all the time.

I believe OP asked for the ring back, which would have pissed me off and I would also have left OP.

She broke up with him after she agreed to go to counseling. He had every right to ask for his ring back.

She said she needed some space to think some more. He demanded the ring back, which was tantamount to breaking up with her. Apparently in OP’s world, she shouldn’t even be allowed some time for independent thought without retaliation.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are you all? 1 year isnt that long to date in your 20s. Do not set a date for a wedding not until you resolve these issues. SOunds like she is mainly interested in keeping up with her friends-the ring, the house, having kids etc. holy smokes, every single married person readin this is thinking this marraige is already doomed from the start. Money is the #1 thing couples fight about. You will never make enough for her and you will resent her for not doing her part, and she will hate you for not making more money. and the sex will end faster than you realize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound cheap. Admit that you can’t afford her and let her find someone who can give her what she wants.

OP here. She’s not mine to “ afford”. She’s not a toy.

She certainly sees herself as yours to afford. When peope show you who they are, believe them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the original concern of OP was that he perceives that the fiancé has changed once they became engaged and appeared to have become more materialistic. This is an important discussion to have with his fiancé. Maybe you misunderstood her and now you are engaged you are hearing a different side to her. This is a great discussion to have with her before you get married. I thought you were okay with this, did I misunderstand. Did you change your mind? How can we compromise so we are both comfortable and are on the same page. I don’t think you should defend who you are OP. Are you and your fiancé able to work through this together. Would see this as a gift you had this happen before marriage.

They already broke up, so you’re a little late with this.

People break up and get back together all the time.

I believe OP asked for the ring back, which would have pissed me off and I would also have left OP.

She broke up with him after she agreed to go to counseling. He had every right to ask for his ring back.

She said she needed some space to think some more. He demanded the ring back, which was tantamount to breaking up with her. Apparently in OP’s world, she shouldn’t even be allowed some time for independent thought without retaliation.

That's not how it went down. This thread is so long, it is easy to get lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it says a lot about you, OP, that you think “every important issue” in a relationship is about money.

it may be the most important issue to aligned on before getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was with someone who changed after marriage. I cried in a bathtub alone on our honeymoon because he kept berating me.

Honestly, I think she will lie in couples counseling. My ex said all the right things in our Catholic pre-marriage course.

Sorry that's just my experience. I would get out.

I agree. How is couple counseling going to help her with what she wants? She want money and to be a free rider- no job, big house, big ring, etc followed by the best private school, vacation house, expensive car, lots of spending money, etc. If he does not deliver he will hear about how he is a failure. These are major issues.

I want to know how much SHE has socked away, assuming she has worked for 8-10 years, how much of each paycheck is she putting in savings and retirement. Does she have any debt, school loans etc. Stop coming for the OP, he is managing his business. I suspect she will change her tune in therapy once she realized the cash cow might run out on her. Make sure you actually get the ring back! I wouldnt trust must of what she says in therapy honestly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the original concern of OP was that he perceives that the fiancé has changed once they became engaged and appeared to have become more materialistic. This is an important discussion to have with his fiancé. Maybe you misunderstood her and now you are engaged you are hearing a different side to her. This is a great discussion to have with her before you get married. I thought you were okay with this, did I misunderstand. Did you change your mind? How can we compromise so we are both comfortable and are on the same page. I don’t think you should defend who you are OP. Are you and your fiancé able to work through this together. Would see this as a gift you had this happen before marriage.

They already broke up, so you’re a little late with this.

People break up and get back together all the time.

I believe OP asked for the ring back, which would have pissed me off and I would also have left OP.

She broke up with him after she agreed to go to counseling. He had every right to ask for his ring back.

the fact that she wants to keep the ring is all the proof you need OP that she is materialistic and using you cause she was hyped to get married and keep up with her girlfriends.