Am I horrible for wanting a second version of life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way DCUM treats blended/stepfamilies/divorce is weird. If you look around, go online, you could see how common growing up like this is, and most people seem fine.

I seem "fine." By all DCUM standards (which are questionable, but whatever) I seem far more than fine.

I am not. Behind close doors my stepparent was abusing me and I have never gotten over the rage and depression. My mother put up a big-happy-blended-family front until she died.

But this OP is not like your family. She faces reality and deals with it.

OP, you sound like a wonderful person and loving mom. Of course it’s ok to date. I hope a great guy turns up. And when he does, I’m sure you will have all the wisdom and patience about how to manage having someone in your life whether as a long term boyfriend or new husband.

[Anonymous]

Hard truth, if you are already thinking about this as a second version then you’ll screw over your kids. The “do over” kids will serve as a painful reminder to your “dumped kids” that not only did they not have the happy family but right in their faces is their mother being great with the do over kids.

The best you can do would be to not stop working and make sure that you put money into college savings etc for your dumped kids. If you inherited anything from your parents don’t squander it on yourself and your do over kids, put some away for your dumped kids. Don’t expect your dumped kids to love the situation. Don’t rationalize that they are fine and you deserve your happiness so everything is OK. It isn’t. It sucks for the dumped kids. Just own it and don’t pretend you are a great mom, you aren’t.

[Anonymous]

Op here- im not having more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- im not having more kids.

If you end up with someone who has kids it’s even worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard truth, if you are already thinking about this as a second version then you’ll screw over your kids. The “do over” kids will serve as a painful reminder to your “dumped kids” that not only did they not have the happy family but right in their faces is their mother being great with the do over kids.

The best you can do would be to not stop working and make sure that you put money into college savings etc for your dumped kids. If you inherited anything from your parents don’t squander it on yourself and your do over kids, put some away for your dumped kids. Don’t expect your dumped kids to love the situation. Don’t rationalize that they are fine and you deserve your happiness so everything is OK. It isn’t. It sucks for the dumped kids. Just own it and don’t pretend you are a great mom, you aren’t.

Whoa, there's some serious projecting going on here. Who said OP is planning to "dump" her kids for a do over??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way DCUM treats blended/stepfamilies/divorce is weird. If you look around, go online, you could see how common growing up like this is, and most people seem fine.

People *seem* find because it's not socially acceptable to not seem fine. If you ever say you dislike having divorced parents or a stepfamily, people accuse you of having psychological problems. So people keep their real opinions quiet.

It's still a terrible, terrible deal for a woman to be a stepmother, especially a woman who already has children to care for.

Its also pretty awful for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you get with a man who has young kids, you'll be picking up way more of his load than he'll be picking up of yours. Unless he's super rich!

This. Tread very, very carefully, or adding a new man into your life will make it worse not better.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to wait, OP! Your kids are young. If you find a nice life partner, that will enrich the kids’ lives. Just be careful of having more kids with the new person and then your existing kids feel like fifth wheels.

Go forth and find love. You deserve it. Life is too short and your kids will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to wait, OP! Your kids are young. If you find a nice life partner, that will enrich the kids’ lives. Just be careful of having more kids with the new person and then your existing kids feel like fifth wheels.

Go forth and find love. You deserve it. Life is too short and your kids will be fine.

Very few kids think that their step parent enriches their life and most aren’t fine. It’s just a bad situation.

[Anonymous]

You aren’t horrible for wanting another marriage. It’s a nice idea in theory.
But you are very very naive about the reality of being in a stepfamily - either as a parent or a kid.

[Anonymous]

No, absolutely not. Your happiness matters too. A close friend of mine who has 4 year old twins, a 6 year old, and an 9 year old, recently got remarried to a man with no children, she's the happiest she's ever been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, absolutely not. Your happiness matters too. A close friend of mine who has 4 year old twins, a 6 year old, and an 9 year old, recently got remarried to a man with no children, she's the happiest she's ever been.

It's called the honeymoon phase for a reason. And OP, key point, man has no kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to date and want a relationship.

I think conceptualizing it as "a second version of life" might be problematic UNLESS that version still centers your existing kids. Like when you envision this other life, where are your kids? What is their relationship with this other person you love? Do you have other kids? How do your existing kids fit in with any additional kids?

You can pursue happiness for yourself, but as a mom you need to prioritize your kids' well being too. Not over, but also. Your kids don't want you to be miserable but they need you to be present and focused on them. You need to find a way to do both.

Also, are you in therapy? I think it would really help you work through this.

This is what I was going to say. You are entitled to your life, so hopefully you can find a situation in which your kids are in a better spot because of this person as well. If not, I'm sorry, it's not your fault but it's the hand you were dealt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way DCUM treats blended/stepfamilies/divorce is weird. If you look around, go online, you could see how common growing up like this is, and most people seem fine.

People *seem* find because it's not socially acceptable to not seem fine. If you ever say you dislike having divorced parents or a stepfamily, people accuse you of having psychological problems. So people keep their real opinions quiet.

It's still a terrible, terrible deal for a woman to be a stepmother, especially a woman who already has children to care for.

Its also pretty awful for the kids.

+1

My daughters are friends with a girl who has a blended family (she and her brother and then a stepbrother and sister) and she HATES it.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely do NOT have to wait 15 years. These kinds of things happen all the time. My parents' marriage fell apart when I was 12 and my younger sibling was ten.
It was obviously NOT ideal, but looking back their maririage wasn't either.
Both of my parents married amazing people, and my parents were definitely happier in their second go round than they were in their first.
There were some crappy times, sure, but they would have been crappier had they tried to breathe life into a union that was clearly dead and made them both miserable.
I have been married to my wife now for twenty years, and we have three kids and are VERY happy. I just mention this because I wanted you to know that in my case at least seeing a failed marriage didn't doom me to the same circumstance. She is also the product of a divorced family btw.
I will say this, if you get serious with someone just make sure they ease into interactions with your kids.
My stepparents handled everything brilliantly and never overstepped their bounds even years after they were married to my bio parents.
Get back out there sister.
Find you a dude
Have some fun
Get back in the saddle.
Your kids will be fine
I can honestly say that my life has been greatly enriched by my steps