Am I horrible for wanting a second version of life?

[Anonymous]

My ex husband blew up his (our) entire life (marriage, career, friendships, family of origin) 4 years ago and I divorced him. Our kids were only 1 and 3 at the time. I was 30. It was devastating to me and I was absolutely blindsided, but I never dropped any balls. I'm in a really good place as a mom, in my career, my girls friends, etc. Ive had the kids in therapy since they were each 4yo and theyre great, well adjusted kids so far.

I am just so freaking lonely. I always wanted a partnership, to do life with someone.

I feel so guilty wanting to build a second version of life with someone new. It seems like everyone says that you should wait til the kids are out of the house to be serious with someone, but if Im being honest 15+ years feels so, so long and like I have so much love to give someone (and hopefully receive) and my prime is just being wasted because of what my ex husband did to me. I absolutely know that motherhood is a gift and I do treasure of it and work very hard to be a good parent. And I want to always keep my kids needs paramount, but man do I want a partner.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you have to wait that long. And I say that as a child of divorce. It's just that you have to be very, very careful about moving anyone in, and stepsiblings/being a stepmother. That's the real issue.

[Anonymous]

I think people say to wait when the kids are older and it will be too much disruption to introduce a new person into their lives.

Your kids can adapt but you need to be SO careful about the person.

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine to date and want a relationship.

I think conceptualizing it as "a second version of life" might be problematic UNLESS that version still centers your existing kids. Like when you envision this other life, where are your kids? What is their relationship with this other person you love? Do you have other kids? How do your existing kids fit in with any additional kids?

You can pursue happiness for yourself, but as a mom you need to prioritize your kids' well being too. Not over, but also. Your kids don't want you to be miserable but they need you to be present and focused on them. You need to find a way to do both.

Also, are you in therapy? I think it would really help you work through this.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're ready to move on with your life and next chapter... Do so.

[Anonymous]

You're not horrible for wanting it. If you're going to try to date and remarry, I think it's best to do it now before your kids become teens. Tweens and teens are at such sensitive ages that they tend not to adjust as well as little kids do.

But you can't have a re-do. You'll always be someone who had kids with a problem person. They'll always be children of divorced, and they'll always have a bio dad who is a problem person. If you find them a great stepfather, they'll be people with a great stepfather and a problem bio dad. You can have a happy marriage, and they can have a happy stepfamily, but they can never have a happy family of origin. That ship has sailed and you need to accept it.

If I were you I would only date childless men. Stepmothering is a terrible, terrible deal for women. Merging schedules and parenting styles with him and his ex is likely to be really, really hard for everyone. And stepsiblings, whether 100% or 50% or whatever custody, are a constant stressor on kids. Don't do that to yourself and your kids.

[Anonymous]

I was 4 when my mom remarried and it was still really really hard, and when I hit that tween stage it was even worse.

I’m not saying don’t—I’ve seen plenty of step-relationships work out well. I’m just saying be extremely picky and choose a man who expects you to prioritize your kids. Don’t put them on the back burner so you can date someone who expects to be #1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to date and want a relationship.

I think conceptualizing it as "a second version of life" might be problematic UNLESS that version still centers your existing kids. Like when you envision this other life, where are your kids? What is their relationship with this other person you love? Do you have other kids? How do your existing kids fit in with any additional kids?

You can pursue happiness for yourself, but as a mom you need to prioritize your kids' well being too. Not over, but also. Your kids don't want you to be miserable but they need you to be present and focused on them. You need to find a way to do both.

Also, are you in therapy? I think it would really help you work through this.

This.

[Anonymous]

I think waiting until they are out of the house would be more if the kids were like 15 and 17. Waiting for 15 years doesn't seem reasonable... you deserve happiness and your kids will get a better version of you if you are happy! Do it now while you are young and can still build a life with someone!!

[Anonymous]

Well I think it will be difficult to find a man when you already have kids and a difficult ex-husband. How about just a boyfriend? You don't need to remarry and merge households. You can see each other when your ex has the kids during his 50%.

[Anonymous]

It's fine to want it, but where are you going to find such person?
I look back in my grown up life of 30 years and there's been only one or two stable people.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there are a lot of men out there who are going to want a real partnership. They exist, but chances are high that you'll end up with another guy who assumes you're going to take on most of the work to keep your mutual life humming, and he'll think you put too much of a priority on your kids

[Anonymous]

I think if you get with a man who has young kids, you'll be picking up way more of his load than he'll be picking up of yours. Unless he's super rich!

[Anonymous]

Go for it! My parents split when I was young. One stayed single until I was in my 30s “for the kids”, the other remarried when I was in middle school. Even though my stepparent was pretty lame, it didn’t have a massive negative impact on me and I still had a good relationship with that parent. If anything, I ended up resenting the parent who never dated because in my 20s I felt I needed to stick around home so they wouldn’t get lonely because they didn’t have anybody else.

Also, waiting until the kids are grown comes with its own drama. My parent who stayed single is now engaged and my siblings are extremely upset because that parent isn’t at their beck and call anymore, and they’re worried about the inheritance. If you put things off because you’re worried about your kids’ reactions, you’ll stay single forever. I’m not so sure it’s good for kids to think your life revolves around them.

[Anonymous]

Are you the OP whose husband got a DUI, then lost his job and wanted to move into your basement? Your writing style seems familiar. In any case, don't live your prime years as a spinster. Take care of your kids first (of course) and then discreetly look for a romantic relationship.