Am I horrible for wanting a second version of life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way DCUM treats blended/stepfamilies/divorce is weird. If you look around, go online, you could see how common growing up like this is, and most people seem fine.

People *seem* find because it's not socially acceptable to not seem fine. If you ever say you dislike having divorced parents or a stepfamily, people accuse you of having psychological problems. So people keep their real opinions quiet.

It's still a terrible, terrible deal for a woman to be a stepmother, especially a woman who already has children to care for.

Its also pretty awful for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you get with a man who has young kids, you'll be picking up way more of his load than he'll be picking up of yours. Unless he's super rich!

This. Tread very, very carefully, or adding a new man into your life will make it worse not better.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to wait, OP! Your kids are young. If you find a nice life partner, that will enrich the kids’ lives. Just be careful of having more kids with the new person and then your existing kids feel like fifth wheels.

Go forth and find love. You deserve it. Life is too short and your kids will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to wait, OP! Your kids are young. If you find a nice life partner, that will enrich the kids’ lives. Just be careful of having more kids with the new person and then your existing kids feel like fifth wheels.

Go forth and find love. You deserve it. Life is too short and your kids will be fine.

Very few kids think that their step parent enriches their life and most aren’t fine. It’s just a bad situation.

[Anonymous]

You aren’t horrible for wanting another marriage. It’s a nice idea in theory.
But you are very very naive about the reality of being in a stepfamily - either as a parent or a kid.

[Anonymous]

No, absolutely not. Your happiness matters too. A close friend of mine who has 4 year old twins, a 6 year old, and an 9 year old, recently got remarried to a man with no children, she's the happiest she's ever been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, absolutely not. Your happiness matters too. A close friend of mine who has 4 year old twins, a 6 year old, and an 9 year old, recently got remarried to a man with no children, she's the happiest she's ever been.

It's called the honeymoon phase for a reason. And OP, key point, man has no kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to date and want a relationship.

I think conceptualizing it as "a second version of life" might be problematic UNLESS that version still centers your existing kids. Like when you envision this other life, where are your kids? What is their relationship with this other person you love? Do you have other kids? How do your existing kids fit in with any additional kids?

You can pursue happiness for yourself, but as a mom you need to prioritize your kids' well being too. Not over, but also. Your kids don't want you to be miserable but they need you to be present and focused on them. You need to find a way to do both.

Also, are you in therapy? I think it would really help you work through this.

This is what I was going to say. You are entitled to your life, so hopefully you can find a situation in which your kids are in a better spot because of this person as well. If not, I'm sorry, it's not your fault but it's the hand you were dealt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way DCUM treats blended/stepfamilies/divorce is weird. If you look around, go online, you could see how common growing up like this is, and most people seem fine.

People *seem* find because it's not socially acceptable to not seem fine. If you ever say you dislike having divorced parents or a stepfamily, people accuse you of having psychological problems. So people keep their real opinions quiet.

It's still a terrible, terrible deal for a woman to be a stepmother, especially a woman who already has children to care for.

Its also pretty awful for the kids.

+1

My daughters are friends with a girl who has a blended family (she and her brother and then a stepbrother and sister) and she HATES it.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely do NOT have to wait 15 years. These kinds of things happen all the time. My parents' marriage fell apart when I was 12 and my younger sibling was ten.
It was obviously NOT ideal, but looking back their maririage wasn't either.
Both of my parents married amazing people, and my parents were definitely happier in their second go round than they were in their first.
There were some crappy times, sure, but they would have been crappier had they tried to breathe life into a union that was clearly dead and made them both miserable.
I have been married to my wife now for twenty years, and we have three kids and are VERY happy. I just mention this because I wanted you to know that in my case at least seeing a failed marriage didn't doom me to the same circumstance. She is also the product of a divorced family btw.
I will say this, if you get serious with someone just make sure they ease into interactions with your kids.
My stepparents handled everything brilliantly and never overstepped their bounds even years after they were married to my bio parents.
Get back out there sister.
Find you a dude
Have some fun
Get back in the saddle.
Your kids will be fine
I can honestly say that my life has been greatly enriched by my steps

[Anonymous]

I think it's best to meet someone when your kids are little. You can still have 1-2 new kids and they would all still be close in age. Or at least I know lots of happily remarried couples whose kids meshed well together.

I think the worst time are the later middle school years or high school years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to wait, OP! Your kids are young. If you find a nice life partner, that will enrich the kids’ lives. Just be careful of having more kids with the new person and then your existing kids feel like fifth wheels.

Go forth and find love. You deserve it. Life is too short and your kids will be fine.

Very few kids think that their step parent enriches their life and most aren’t fine. It’s just a bad situation.

?? My parent and both of my inlaws had amazing step dads. So much so that we named our son after one of them.

I do think it's easier to be a stepdad than a stepmom.

[Anonymous]

My opinion is just that. I do not know what the research says. You deserve to be happy and you don’t need to put your life on hold. But I would be very careful in how you proceed with a relationship. You can go on dates and even have overnights at his place. I’d only have overnights at yours if your kids are out of the house. I would not introduce my kids to anybody until I had vetted him (background check) and was 100% certain the relationship would be leading to marriage. Why do I suggest a background check? I would always worry about a man having access to my children unsupervised. In addition, assuming he turns out to be the kindest, most trustworthy person, your kids will be heartbroken if they become attached and it ends.

DH’s mother had many boyfriends and a husband between her 1st and current. It was a very unstable upbringing for DH and his siblings. People came in and out of their lives (boyfriends and their kids, step-dad and his kids). It would have been ok if she’d been dating but the moving people in and out of the house was chaotic. Her 3rd husband came into their lives when everyone was teens and older and he is a wonderful, kind guy. She should have been more discerning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's best to meet someone when your kids are little. You can still have 1-2 new kids and they would all still be close in age. Or at least I know lots of happily remarried couples whose kids meshed well together.

I think the worst time are the later middle school years or high school years.

Yeah no. Those original kids are not happy. Your delusional friend is probably happy!

[Anonymous]

Don't have more kids. Be very wary of blending households (go very very slowly, especially if he has kids). But other than that, just see what's out there.

But don't add MORE children to the mix. You have 2 kids who need one parents who is focused on them.