Anyone else feel like their spouse despises them?

[Anonymous]

This is everyday life with kids. Sorry he loses his concentration with kid interruptions. Does he ever care for the kids alone for an extended time (like a weekend)?

[Anonymous]

Yes. My husband is avoidant. He will never confront me or suggest any change to our marriage. I think he is depressed and that yes, he despises me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know the feeling. DH has gotten so sour and resentful in recent years. He’s made similar comments, as though he is doing everything financially and otherwise. This is not true and while, like you, I earn a decent salary, he does make more money. Its also not just me, he is irritated and deeply frustrated with everyone. don’t understand how or why he became this way and it’s so hurtful.

OP, is this the case in your situation too? I think it is relevant to determining what is going on and how to handle it.

[Anonymous]

The trade wife brigade is out in full force this morning.

[Anonymous]

I would be pissed if I were him too. Are you a nag to your kids and do you often ignore your DH while he is in the middle of speaking? What a way to teach your kid someone doesn’t matter.

Also, if your DH is working and you are not (I get the impression you are not working right now based on your comment) you should be cooking and cleaning up. You have no idea the pressure of being responsible for the entire income of the family. Maybe you should say thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its sounds like you constantly prioritize your kids needs over your husband's.

The person he leaves you for will be someone who listens to him and prioritize him. Save your income you will need it for this day because it sounds like you dont help with the bills.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be pissed if I were him too. Are you a nag to your kids and do you often ignore your DH while he is in the middle of speaking? What a way to teach your kid someone doesn’t matter.

Also, if your DH is working and you are not (I get the impression you are not working right now based on your comment) you should be cooking and cleaning up. You have no idea the pressure of being responsible for the entire income of the family. Maybe you should say thank you.

She said she is working. Anyone with kids knows you don’t try and have a serious uninterrupted conversation about your feelings with small kids in tow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If what you described is an ongoing pattern, I can understand your husband's frustration. That likely wasn't anger from being interrupted one time to say something to your child that could have waited a couple minutes until he finished.

He shouldn't have communicated that frustration to you in that way, he did it pretty immaturely. He needs to work on his communication.

And you also need to start treating your husband at least as well as you might treat a stranger.

This will be hard to hear, especially in the context of how he just treated you, but try to understand this perspective. Husbands generally need a crazy amount of positive reinforcement and appreciation, more than what you would think.

I know that sounds totally sexist, but in my experience it's true. They are like large children in this way. I know a friend who, every time her husband came home from work, her and the kids would stand at the door and applaud him and praise him for working all day and supporting the family. That sounds extreme, even to me. But I can also probably say that when I remember to praise him and remind the kids to praise him as well, he is happier, a better husband and father, and more patient.

This is honestly sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If what you described is an ongoing pattern, I can understand your husband's frustration. That likely wasn't anger from being interrupted one time to say something to your child that could have waited a couple minutes until he finished.

He shouldn't have communicated that frustration to you in that way, he did it pretty immaturely. He needs to work on his communication.

And you also need to start treating your husband at least as well as you might treat a stranger.

This will be hard to hear, especially in the context of how he just treated you, but try to understand this perspective. Husbands generally need a crazy amount of positive reinforcement and appreciation, more than what you would think.

I know that sounds totally sexist, but in my experience it's true. They are like large children in this way. I know a friend who, every time her husband came home from work, her and the kids would stand at the door and applaud him and praise him for working all day and supporting the family. That sounds extreme, even to me. But I can also probably say that when I remember to praise him and remind the kids to praise him as well, he is happier, a better husband and father, and more patient.

And what your husband could have said instead, if he had more evolved emotional intelligence and communication skills:
"I feel unappreciated. I feel disrespected as a person who does a lot for this family, especially when I make an effort to engage with you and share a part of my life that is important to me and I think brings value to our family, and you don't meet that effort with your own efforts to support me in this part of my life. It would mean a lot to me if you took the time and effort to ask me questions about my job and career."

Get a clue, dude. No one is interested in anyone else’s work, unless it’s something glamorous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be pissed if I were him too. Are you a nag to your kids and do you often ignore your DH while he is in the middle of speaking? What a way to teach your kid someone doesn’t matter.

Also, if your DH is working and you are not (I get the impression you are not working right now based on your comment) you should be cooking and cleaning up. You have no idea the pressure of being responsible for the entire income of the family. Maybe you should say thank you.

Oh please. If her husband lost his job you know he wouldn’t be cooking and cleaning. Get out, OP. Get out while you still can.

[Anonymous]

Reading the OP, the whole situation sounded annoying. If that sort of situation is common, he's probably fed up. The only way to fix it is to talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading the OP, the whole situation sounded annoying. If that sort of situation is common, he's probably fed up. The only way to fix it is to talk about it.

Yes it’s super annoying when an adult throws a tantrum because his long boring story about work is interrupted by his spouse parenting his kid.

[Anonymous]

I just drafted a long post that got deleted because of some stupid pop-up ad. Sigh.

I was going to say that I can really see this from all sides. Obviously, if the wife is making 115 K and says the husband makes a lot more money, then that means he has a high-powered and undoubtedly stressful job. He probably hates it. And he also probably feels stuck. I was there once. It’s not easy.

He doesn’t hate you. He just feels unappreciated. The family’s entire stability and financial footing depends on him. And he knows it but can’t say it because that’s the nuclear option.

[Anonymous]

Why did you insist that your child ate the food they didn’t want ? Let your child make their own food choices. They could stay hungry and then eat better next time. Just release them from dinner and talk to your husband.
You seem to be very controlling and not being able to read into the room and see a bigger picture. Your husband was wrong to overreact but please think what might have triggered him. And if this is a systematic pattern

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just drafted a long post that got deleted because of some stupid pop-up ad. Sigh.

I was going to say that I can really see this from all sides. Obviously, if the wife is making 115 K and says the husband makes a lot more money, then that means he has a high-powered and undoubtedly stressful job. He probably hates it. And he also probably feels stuck. I was there once. It’s not easy.

He doesn’t hate you. He just feels unappreciated. The family’s entire stability and financial footing depends on him. And he knows it but can’t say it because that’s the nuclear option.

Sounds like he does say it.