Anyone else feel like their spouse despises them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To protect your own peace and understand what is going on know this: he views your child as competition for your time and attention. You think of your child as an extension of yourself in a way he does not. He wants to be the most loved and fawned over baby in the house. It’s not fair that he has to be a big working adult and do all this stuff and his wife doesn’t coddle him nearly as much as the child. Why is he working so hard to build a life for someone that is taking attention away from him?

You may be under the impression that he is a grown up that is willing to put aside his ego but that would be an incorrect assumption.

He doesn’t dislike you, he is jealous and angry that this kid showed up and he is no longer the star of the show or the person you care most about.

Well stated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just drafted a long post that got deleted because of some stupid pop-up ad. Sigh.

I was going to say that I can really see this from all sides. Obviously, if the wife is making 115 K and says the husband makes a lot more money, then that means he has a high-powered and undoubtedly stressful job. He probably hates it. And he also probably feels stuck. I was there once. It’s not easy.

He doesn’t hate you. He just feels unappreciated. The family’s entire stability and financial footing depends on him. And he knows it but can’t say it because that’s the nuclear option.

Sounds like he does say it.

Yea you’re right. I guess he does. So OP
might consider listening.

I was the sole breadwinner for our large family and was in Big law. The pressure was enormous. I’d come home and nobody wanted to hear about my day either. And I could certainly understand why. My day typically sucked.

I’m PP, and me too actually. And I get it. But throwing a tantrum over dinner moves you further from the goal of being appreciated. Also “appreciation” is hard to define. What looks like appreciation probably looks different for you, me, and OP’s husband. (I’m woman - the idea of my children clapping for me when I walked in is gross).

I didn’t expect clapping either. Trust me. It’s hard to define, yes.

We have four kids. My spouse is smart and has a good education and obviously could have worked and made some money but it really wouldn’t have made sense as a practical matter. As you know, if you hit the big time in Biglaw—let’s say the counsel level or above—the pay reaches a pretty ridiculous level and the gap between it and the other spouse’s job more often than not becomes huge. That makes both spouses working with a bunch of kids a largely unjustifiable proposition as a practical matter other than allowing the lower paying spouse to seek “fulfillment”— but only at additional cost to the higher earning spouse who themself is already not “fulfilled.” And that’s not fair either.

In our case, basically what happened was our youngest went off to college just about the same time that our oldest had a baby, so my spouse elected to help out full-time until the baby was old enough for preschool. But by this point, she was no spring chicken. So I would come home from yet another shitty day of work, and there would be no dinner. That would never bother me, let’s just go out I’d say. No, I’m too tired for that, get yourself some takeout I need to lie down. It absolutely frustrated me and for a while I really resented both my spouse and my daughter.

In the end, I just retired early and the resentment went away. We’re all fine now although at times my prior “resentment” is brought up. And when it is, I have never once said “none of it would’ve been possible without me“ because again that’s the nuclear option. You’re not allowed to say that.

Have you ever taken care of a baby full-time in your old age after raising an entire family and then been anonymously castigated by your spouse online for not cooking dinner or wanting to go out to a restaurant?

Until you’ve done that you should take your big law money and make a Scrooge McDuck money bin to swim in because that’s all you deserve. I hope your children and grandchildren know your true character.

This was a bonkers response to a thoughtful post.

Agree with others that OP’s husband has serious emotional regulation issues. There are not enough details in the original post (and no follow-up that I’ve noticed) to know whether OP was oblivious/rude vs. someone who should be considering whether to stay married.

[Anonymous]

OP, here.

1. I stand corrected. I typed quickly and upset and likely had other grammatical errors.
2. We have an ongoing issue with DC dragging out dinner time by eating super slow and not eating certain vegatables. Both parents correct this behavior and have discussed the need to do so.
3. He has already taken the nuclear option. Has told me I am worthless, has told me that I am riding his coattails, etc.
4. I have an advanced degree. He does not. However, my career required frequent travel overseas AND he could not handle caring for our DC. He would explode often when I couldn’t control the crying when DC was a baby to the point I never left him alone with DC until 2 1/2.
5. I gave up my amazing globetrotting career flat out because he could not handle caring for DC while I was traveling. Grandmas came for the first few trips but it was apparent he was not capable so we both decided that I quit and pivot to some simple local job, which of course was not my specialty and paid much less.
6. I reinvented myself, created mew career but now am impacted by the current administration so take home funds are near nothing right now. We do have excellent health insurance through me and I do 70%+ of the home management and caretaking (always have done most of it regardless of how much I work and bring in)
7. I get that it was rude to interrupt but we both do it to correct DC. Will work on not doing it again to keep the peace for him and DC.
8. My mind is seeking excuses and reasons to stay but my heart knows this man doesn’t care about me. He has said disparaging things to me in front of the kids. Had a brief affair with younger coworker that I discovered. Older DC despises him and flat out told me she wants nothing to do with him when she moves out.
9. Nothing else to do but get my ducks in a row and prepare to leave him once some things are in place and younger DC is a bit older.
10. One can treat their spouses however they wish but I certainly will not be applauding my husband for working. He would do it regardless if he has a family to support or not because he is obsesed with power and money.

[Anonymous]

OP - it sounds like you have lots of contempt towards your husband for the loss of your career. Why did you proceed with having a 2nd child if he wasn’t able to take care of one ?
Also, still unclear why the youngest child needs to eat these specific veggies. You seem to be weirdly obsessed with it and also made your husband believe it’s a piece of parenting that can’t be just let go

[Anonymous]

Worthless and riding the coattails of his career?

Anyone telling OP to back off or defer to her DH: are we reading the same posts and comments he’s made to her?

Sign me up to be first in line to share a piece of my mind with this guy the day after all of OP’s kids turn 18.

[Anonymous]

After reading a lot of this discussion my only comment is that OP should not be telling the kid what to eat unless she's trying to cause an eating disorder.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so so sorry. It’s horrible to have this happen. If you can get out before he starts abusing your kids or turning them on you, please do. I grew up in a similar household and thank god I was only 10 when my mom left. My younger brothers were much less impacted and the youngest was 4. Older kids much more impacted. Research a very good lawyer and figure out a way to save all your pennies. We went from a big house to an apartment until we moved back to a house, and let me tell you, apartment and freedom were better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so so sorry. It’s horrible to have this happen. If you can get out before he starts abusing your kids or turning them on you, please do. I grew up in a similar household and thank god I was only 10 when my mom left. My younger brothers were much less impacted and the youngest was 4. Older kids much more impacted. Research a very good lawyer and figure out a way to save all your pennies. We went from a big house to an apartment until we moved back to a house, and let me tell you, apartment and freedom were better.

This. OP you need to make nice and suck up to him while you consult attorneys and plan your escape. Lean on your parents if feasible. His attitude will not change.

[Anonymous]

Your husband was wrong the way he reacted-that is non negotiable.

That being said:
1. You sound extremely controlling. Number 1-who cares how long it was taking your DC to finish? Telling kids to hurry up and eat is very bad for them.
2. There was no reason to stop your husband to tell your child to finish.
3. The “we have a rule” really struck me. A rule is for children. Married people who have “rules” sound toxic. An agreement, an understanding etc…would have been the appropriate thing to say.

Your husband sounds awful, but so do you. This doesn’t sound like it will get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here.

1. I stand corrected. I typed quickly and upset and likely had other grammatical errors.
2. We have an ongoing issue with DC dragging out dinner time by eating super slow and not eating certain vegatables. Both parents correct this behavior and have discussed the need to do so.
3. He has already taken the nuclear option. Has told me I am worthless, has told me that I am riding his coattails, etc.
4. I have an advanced degree. He does not. However, my career required frequent travel overseas AND he could not handle caring for our DC. He would explode often when I couldn’t control the crying when DC was a baby to the point I never left him alone with DC until 2 1/2.
5. I gave up my amazing globetrotting career flat out because he could not handle caring for DC while I was traveling. Grandmas came for the first few trips but it was apparent he was not capable so we both decided that I quit and pivot to some simple local job, which of course was not my specialty and paid much less.
6. I reinvented myself, created mew career but now am impacted by the current administration so take home funds are near nothing right now. We do have excellent health insurance through me and I do 70%+ of the home management and caretaking (always have done most of it regardless of how much I work and bring in)
7. I get that it was rude to interrupt but we both do it to correct DC. Will work on not doing it again to keep the peace for him and DC.
8. My mind is seeking excuses and reasons to stay but my heart knows this man doesn’t care about me. He has said disparaging things to me in front of the kids. Had a brief affair with younger coworker that I discovered. Older DC despises him and flat out told me she wants nothing to do with him when she moves out.
9. Nothing else to do but get my ducks in a row and prepare to leave him once some things are in place and younger DC is a bit older.
10. One can treat their spouses however they wish but I certainly will not be applauding my husband for working. He would do it regardless if he has a family to support or not because he is obsesed with power and money.

You’re either a troll or an idiot.

Obviously you shouldn’t be married to someone like this. What’s the point of posting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here.

1. I stand corrected. I typed quickly and upset and likely had other grammatical errors.
2. We have an ongoing issue with DC dragging out dinner time by eating super slow and not eating certain vegatables. Both parents correct this behavior and have discussed the need to do so.
3. He has already taken the nuclear option. Has told me I am worthless, has told me that I am riding his coattails, etc.
4. I have an advanced degree. He does not. However, my career required frequent travel overseas AND he could not handle caring for our DC. He would explode often when I couldn’t control the crying when DC was a baby to the point I never left him alone with DC until 2 1/2.
5. I gave up my amazing globetrotting career flat out because he could not handle caring for DC while I was traveling. Grandmas came for the first few trips but it was apparent he was not capable so we both decided that I quit and pivot to some simple local job, which of course was not my specialty and paid much less.
6. I reinvented myself, created mew career but now am impacted by the current administration so take home funds are near nothing right now. We do have excellent health insurance through me and I do 70%+ of the home management and caretaking (always have done most of it regardless of how much I work and bring in)
7. I get that it was rude to interrupt but we both do it to correct DC. Will work on not doing it again to keep the peace for him and DC.
8. My mind is seeking excuses and reasons to stay but my heart knows this man doesn’t care about me. He has said disparaging things to me in front of the kids. Had a brief affair with younger coworker that I discovered. Older DC despises him and flat out told me she wants nothing to do with him when she moves out.
9. Nothing else to do but get my ducks in a row and prepare to leave him once some things are in place and younger DC is a bit older.
10. One can treat their spouses however they wish but I certainly will not be applauding my husband for working. He would do it regardless if he has a family to support or not because he is obsesed with power and money.

Ma’am divorce
Stop w the excuses. Mr. husband is not going to change

[Anonymous]

My wife despises me. She lets me know everyday how mad she is that she has to work. How unfair it is. Constantly tells me that this is not the life she pictured for herself at all.

I rarely travel for work, but when I do she tells me how ridiculous it is that she has to rearrange her schedule for me. There are options that would allow her to not rearrange her schedule, she just doesn't like them. By travel for work, it is fly out late one night spend the night fly back the next evening. So it is really just one day of dropping kid off and picking him up at school. Teen so pretty self sufficient outside of that.

[Anonymous]

He might be cheating again. Sometimes people will start arguments to purposely push the other person to leave, so then they get to be with their affair partner without the guilt of having broken up the relationship themselves.

[Anonymous]

OP there's a really great book written by a doctor called Smart, Successful, and Abused about how dynamic, high-earning women can get sucked into relationships with controlling, emotionally abusive men. I suggest you check it out.

[Anonymous]

Let your kid sit at table no fussing. Set a time. When it's up pick up plate.
Is there any reason it wants longer dinner? Is it the only time family is all present?