Anyone else feel like their spouse despises them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its sounds like you constantly prioritize your kids needs over your husband's.

The person he leaves you for will be someone who listens to him and prioritize him. Save your income you will need it for this day because it sounds like you dont help with the bills.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be pissed if I were him too. Are you a nag to your kids and do you often ignore your DH while he is in the middle of speaking? What a way to teach your kid someone doesn’t matter.

Also, if your DH is working and you are not (I get the impression you are not working right now based on your comment) you should be cooking and cleaning up. You have no idea the pressure of being responsible for the entire income of the family. Maybe you should say thank you.

She said she is working. Anyone with kids knows you don’t try and have a serious uninterrupted conversation about your feelings with small kids in tow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If what you described is an ongoing pattern, I can understand your husband's frustration. That likely wasn't anger from being interrupted one time to say something to your child that could have waited a couple minutes until he finished.

He shouldn't have communicated that frustration to you in that way, he did it pretty immaturely. He needs to work on his communication.

And you also need to start treating your husband at least as well as you might treat a stranger.

This will be hard to hear, especially in the context of how he just treated you, but try to understand this perspective. Husbands generally need a crazy amount of positive reinforcement and appreciation, more than what you would think.

I know that sounds totally sexist, but in my experience it's true. They are like large children in this way. I know a friend who, every time her husband came home from work, her and the kids would stand at the door and applaud him and praise him for working all day and supporting the family. That sounds extreme, even to me. But I can also probably say that when I remember to praise him and remind the kids to praise him as well, he is happier, a better husband and father, and more patient.

This is honestly sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If what you described is an ongoing pattern, I can understand your husband's frustration. That likely wasn't anger from being interrupted one time to say something to your child that could have waited a couple minutes until he finished.

He shouldn't have communicated that frustration to you in that way, he did it pretty immaturely. He needs to work on his communication.

And you also need to start treating your husband at least as well as you might treat a stranger.

This will be hard to hear, especially in the context of how he just treated you, but try to understand this perspective. Husbands generally need a crazy amount of positive reinforcement and appreciation, more than what you would think.

I know that sounds totally sexist, but in my experience it's true. They are like large children in this way. I know a friend who, every time her husband came home from work, her and the kids would stand at the door and applaud him and praise him for working all day and supporting the family. That sounds extreme, even to me. But I can also probably say that when I remember to praise him and remind the kids to praise him as well, he is happier, a better husband and father, and more patient.

And what your husband could have said instead, if he had more evolved emotional intelligence and communication skills:
"I feel unappreciated. I feel disrespected as a person who does a lot for this family, especially when I make an effort to engage with you and share a part of my life that is important to me and I think brings value to our family, and you don't meet that effort with your own efforts to support me in this part of my life. It would mean a lot to me if you took the time and effort to ask me questions about my job and career."

Get a clue, dude. No one is interested in anyone else’s work, unless it’s something glamorous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be pissed if I were him too. Are you a nag to your kids and do you often ignore your DH while he is in the middle of speaking? What a way to teach your kid someone doesn’t matter.

Also, if your DH is working and you are not (I get the impression you are not working right now based on your comment) you should be cooking and cleaning up. You have no idea the pressure of being responsible for the entire income of the family. Maybe you should say thank you.

Oh please. If her husband lost his job you know he wouldn’t be cooking and cleaning. Get out, OP. Get out while you still can.

[Anonymous]

Reading the OP, the whole situation sounded annoying. If that sort of situation is common, he's probably fed up. The only way to fix it is to talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading the OP, the whole situation sounded annoying. If that sort of situation is common, he's probably fed up. The only way to fix it is to talk about it.

Yes it’s super annoying when an adult throws a tantrum because his long boring story about work is interrupted by his spouse parenting his kid.

[Anonymous]

I just drafted a long post that got deleted because of some stupid pop-up ad. Sigh.

I was going to say that I can really see this from all sides. Obviously, if the wife is making 115 K and says the husband makes a lot more money, then that means he has a high-powered and undoubtedly stressful job. He probably hates it. And he also probably feels stuck. I was there once. It’s not easy.

He doesn’t hate you. He just feels unappreciated. The family’s entire stability and financial footing depends on him. And he knows it but can’t say it because that’s the nuclear option.

[Anonymous]

Why did you insist that your child ate the food they didn’t want ? Let your child make their own food choices. They could stay hungry and then eat better next time. Just release them from dinner and talk to your husband.
You seem to be very controlling and not being able to read into the room and see a bigger picture. Your husband was wrong to overreact but please think what might have triggered him. And if this is a systematic pattern

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just drafted a long post that got deleted because of some stupid pop-up ad. Sigh.

I was going to say that I can really see this from all sides. Obviously, if the wife is making 115 K and says the husband makes a lot more money, then that means he has a high-powered and undoubtedly stressful job. He probably hates it. And he also probably feels stuck. I was there once. It’s not easy.

He doesn’t hate you. He just feels unappreciated. The family’s entire stability and financial footing depends on him. And he knows it but can’t say it because that’s the nuclear option.

Sounds like he does say it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just drafted a long post that got deleted because of some stupid pop-up ad. Sigh.

I was going to say that I can really see this from all sides. Obviously, if the wife is making 115 K and says the husband makes a lot more money, then that means he has a high-powered and undoubtedly stressful job. He probably hates it. And he also probably feels stuck. I was there once. It’s not easy.

He doesn’t hate you. He just feels unappreciated. The family’s entire stability and financial footing depends on him. And he knows it but can’t say it because that’s the nuclear option.

Sounds like he does say it.

Yea you’re right. I guess he does. So OP
might consider listening.

I was the sole breadwinner for our large family and was in Big law. The pressure was enormous. I’d come home and nobody wanted to hear about my day either. And I could certainly understand why. My day typically sucked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've seen only ADHD/ASD men/women act like that.

I’ve seen cheaters act like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just drafted a long post that got deleted because of some stupid pop-up ad. Sigh.

I was going to say that I can really see this from all sides. Obviously, if the wife is making 115 K and says the husband makes a lot more money, then that means he has a high-powered and undoubtedly stressful job. He probably hates it. And he also probably feels stuck. I was there once. It’s not easy.

He doesn’t hate you. He just feels unappreciated. The family’s entire stability and financial footing depends on him. And he knows it but can’t say it because that’s the nuclear option.

Sounds like he does say it.

Yea you’re right. I guess he does. So OP
might consider listening.

I was the sole breadwinner for our large family and was in Big law. The pressure was enormous. I’d come home and nobody wanted to hear about my day either. And I could certainly understand why. My day typically sucked.

I’m PP, and me too actually. And I get it. But throwing a tantrum over dinner moves you further from the goal of being appreciated. Also “appreciation” is hard to define. What looks like appreciation probably looks different for you, me, and OP’s husband. (I’m woman - the idea of my children clapping for me when I walked in is gross).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just drafted a long post that got deleted because of some stupid pop-up ad. Sigh.

I was going to say that I can really see this from all sides. Obviously, if the wife is making 115 K and says the husband makes a lot more money, then that means he has a high-powered and undoubtedly stressful job. He probably hates it. And he also probably feels stuck. I was there once. It’s not easy.

He doesn’t hate you. He just feels unappreciated. The family’s entire stability and financial footing depends on him. And he knows it but can’t say it because that’s the nuclear option.

Sounds like he does say it.

Yea you’re right. I guess he does. So OP
might consider listening.

I was the sole breadwinner for our large family and was in Big law. The pressure was enormous. I’d come home and nobody wanted to hear about my day either. And I could certainly understand why. My day typically sucked.

I’m PP, and me too actually. And I get it. But throwing a tantrum over dinner moves you further from the goal of being appreciated. Also “appreciation” is hard to define. What looks like appreciation probably looks different for you, me, and OP’s husband. (I’m woman - the idea of my children clapping for me when I walked in is gross).

An additional thought: you called it the nuclear option, I call it being direct and I have. I have said, I’m carrying the load, I need more support. But then I try to be clear about I needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just drafted a long post that got deleted because of some stupid pop-up ad. Sigh.

I was going to say that I can really see this from all sides. Obviously, if the wife is making 115 K and says the husband makes a lot more money, then that means he has a high-powered and undoubtedly stressful job. He probably hates it. And he also probably feels stuck. I was there once. It’s not easy.

He doesn’t hate you. He just feels unappreciated. The family’s entire stability and financial footing depends on him. And he knows it but can’t say it because that’s the nuclear option.

Sounds like he does say it.

Yea you’re right. I guess he does. So OP
might consider listening.

I was the sole breadwinner for our large family and was in Big law. The pressure was enormous. I’d come home and nobody wanted to hear about my day either. And I could certainly understand why. My day typically sucked.

I’m PP, and me too actually. And I get it. But throwing a tantrum over dinner moves you further from the goal of being appreciated. Also “appreciation” is hard to define. What looks like appreciation probably looks different for you, me, and OP’s husband. (I’m woman - the idea of my children clapping for me when I walked in is gross).

I didn’t expect clapping either. Trust me. It’s hard to define, yes.

We have four kids. My spouse is smart and has a good education and obviously could have worked and made some money but it really wouldn’t have made sense as a practical matter. As you know, if you hit the big time in Biglaw—let’s say the counsel level or above—the pay reaches a pretty ridiculous level and the gap between it and the other spouse’s job more often than not becomes huge. That makes both spouses working with a bunch of kids a largely unjustifiable proposition as a practical matter other than allowing the lower paying spouse to seek “fulfillment”— but only at additional cost to the higher earning spouse who themself is already not “fulfilled.” And that’s not fair either.

In our case, basically what happened was our youngest went off to college just about the same time that our oldest had a baby, so my spouse elected to help out full-time until the baby was old enough for preschool. But by this point, she was no spring chicken. So I would come home from yet another shitty day of work, and there would be no dinner. That would never bother me, let’s just go out I’d say. No, I’m too tired for that, get yourself some takeout I need to lie down. It absolutely frustrated me and for a while I really resented both my spouse and my daughter.

In the end, I just retired early and the resentment went away. We’re all fine now although at times my prior “resentment” is brought up. And when it is, I have never once said “none of it would’ve been possible without me“ because again that’s the nuclear option. You’re not allowed to say that.