Anyone else feel like their spouse despises them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just drafted a long post that got deleted because of some stupid pop-up ad. Sigh.

I was going to say that I can really see this from all sides. Obviously, if the wife is making 115 K and says the husband makes a lot more money, then that means he has a high-powered and undoubtedly stressful job. He probably hates it. And he also probably feels stuck. I was there once. It’s not easy.

He doesn’t hate you. He just feels unappreciated. The family’s entire stability and financial footing depends on him. And he knows it but can’t say it because that’s the nuclear option.

Sounds like he does say it.

Yea you’re right. I guess he does. So OP
might consider listening.

I was the sole breadwinner for our large family and was in Big law. The pressure was enormous. I’d come home and nobody wanted to hear about my day either. And I could certainly understand why. My day typically sucked.

Dw here and also the primary breadwinner at a stressful job. I’ve had blowups before, not usually around dc, but I’ve had them. I’m not proud of them, and try to work on more productive communication, but they have happened. Mature people try to understand why their partner is expressing frustration, not just vilify them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just drafted a long post that got deleted because of some stupid pop-up ad. Sigh.

I was going to say that I can really see this from all sides. Obviously, if the wife is making 115 K and says the husband makes a lot more money, then that means he has a high-powered and undoubtedly stressful job. He probably hates it. And he also probably feels stuck. I was there once. It’s not easy.

He doesn’t hate you. He just feels unappreciated. The family’s entire stability and financial footing depends on him. And he knows it but can’t say it because that’s the nuclear option.

Sounds like he does say it.

Yea you’re right. I guess he does. So OP
might consider listening.

I was the sole breadwinner for our large family and was in Big law. The pressure was enormous. I’d come home and nobody wanted to hear about my day either. And I could certainly understand why. My day typically sucked.

I’m PP, and me too actually. And I get it. But throwing a tantrum over dinner moves you further from the goal of being appreciated. Also “appreciation” is hard to define. What looks like appreciation probably looks different for you, me, and OP’s husband. (I’m woman - the idea of my children clapping for me when I walked in is gross).

An additional thought: you called it the nuclear option, I call it being direct and I have. I have said, I’m carrying the load, I need more support. But then I try to be clear about I needed.

Well, you’re a woman. You have more leeway to say that. Men don’t. That’s just the way it is.

[Anonymous]

Both of you are at fault. Don’t put this all on him. You might want to go to joint counseling to examine your communication patterns.

[Anonymous]

Men are annoying and w would be better off without 99 % of them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He acts this way because he can.

He thinks you’re trapped with the DC and low at-risk income.

NP in the same scenario with a DH whose behavior really escalated once the kids were 8/9. Something about them being intelligent, independent beings who required their own share of attention and had their own legitimate intelligence crushed his ego. Anyway, he made 10x what I did and slowly went from a mindset of our earnings being a shared family accomplishment to me being a parasite taking advantage of him, and his contempt for me showed in all ways. His behavior worsened and then one day he left us.

Our kids are so scarred years later. I think they would have been damaged had I left but it would have been quite different. Op, empower yourself and make some plans. You don’t deserve this and your kids don’t, either. Mine stunned me after exDH left by telling me mean things he said to them from when they were very, very young. They notice and remember.

[Anonymous]

I’d leave and find an adult man with emotional regulation skills. If my DH ever pulled a stunt like you described I would assume an alien had taken over his body because:

Who talks like that in front of their child???
Who says such demeaning things to their spouse over such a minor perceived slight???

A man baby does. I don’t care how much $$ he makes or how much appreciation he needs, his behavior was 100% inappropriate.

And, to all of the women on this thread who coddle their man baby husbands, I feel very sorry for you. Dump these losers and find new husbands. There are plenty of men who make good money and are true partners and don’t act like man babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just drafted a long post that got deleted because of some stupid pop-up ad. Sigh.

I was going to say that I can really see this from all sides. Obviously, if the wife is making 115 K and says the husband makes a lot more money, then that means he has a high-powered and undoubtedly stressful job. He probably hates it. And he also probably feels stuck. I was there once. It’s not easy.

He doesn’t hate you. He just feels unappreciated. The family’s entire stability and financial footing depends on him. And he knows it but can’t say it because that’s the nuclear option.

Sounds like he does say it.

Yea you’re right. I guess he does. So OP
might consider listening.

I was the sole breadwinner for our large family and was in Big law. The pressure was enormous. I’d come home and nobody wanted to hear about my day either. And I could certainly understand why. My day typically sucked.

I’m PP, and me too actually. And I get it. But throwing a tantrum over dinner moves you further from the goal of being appreciated. Also “appreciation” is hard to define. What looks like appreciation probably looks different for you, me, and OP’s husband. (I’m woman - the idea of my children clapping for me when I walked in is gross).

I didn’t expect clapping either. Trust me. It’s hard to define, yes.

We have four kids. My spouse is smart and has a good education and obviously could have worked and made some money but it really wouldn’t have made sense as a practical matter. As you know, if you hit the big time in Biglaw—let’s say the counsel level or above—the pay reaches a pretty ridiculous level and the gap between it and the other spouse’s job more often than not becomes huge. That makes both spouses working with a bunch of kids a largely unjustifiable proposition as a practical matter other than allowing the lower paying spouse to seek “fulfillment”— but only at additional cost to the higher earning spouse who themself is already not “fulfilled.” And that’s not fair either.

In our case, basically what happened was our youngest went off to college just about the same time that our oldest had a baby, so my spouse elected to help out full-time until the baby was old enough for preschool. But by this point, she was no spring chicken. So I would come home from yet another shitty day of work, and there would be no dinner. That would never bother me, let’s just go out I’d say. No, I’m too tired for that, get yourself some takeout I need to lie down. It absolutely frustrated me and for a while I really resented both my spouse and my daughter.

In the end, I just retired early and the resentment went away. We’re all fine now although at times my prior “resentment” is brought up. And when it is, I have never once said “none of it would’ve been possible without me“ because again that’s the nuclear option. You’re not allowed to say that.

Have you ever taken care of a baby full-time in your old age after raising an entire family and then been anonymously castigated by your spouse online for not cooking dinner or wanting to go out to a restaurant?

Until you’ve done that you should take your big law money and make a Scrooge McDuck money bin to swim in because that’s all you deserve. I hope your children and grandchildren know your true character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like you cause a lot of it. Maybe work on that?

This. You interrupted him twice for nothing. I’m sure that happens all of the time. He’s right.

Who lives in a house with children and gets upset that kid-stuff interrupts a conversation?

My arrogant egomaniac DH who I’m in the process of divorcing, that’s who.

[Anonymous]

OP, I went back and re-read what you started this thread with and I’m pretty upset that everyone got lost in salary differentials and appreciation and everything else. Your DH coming over and shouting “you’re welcome” and everything else: that was verbal abuse and intimidation. You’re in an abusive relationship and you are probably experiencing some level of coercive control if you are questioning if you’re allowed to briefly interrupt to keep a kid on track or analyzing if you can do xyz with the salary you have when he makes so much more.

There are some good resources out there that give a legal perspective on verbal abuse and intimidation and coercive control. You are vulnerable to financial abuse even if you think he would never do that. I would suggest checking every bank account you both have and monitoring investments closely. If you don’t see your DH’s paycheck and have access to the account it deposits into, you need to. Big red flag if he’s cagey about that. With someone like this, financial abuse is going to be slow and sneaky, not a sudden clearing of accounts.

[Anonymous]

Eeeew. Some of these responses are so disappointing. Please don’t take the heart pps who think you have to stroke his ego. That’s so so gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d leave and find an adult man with emotional regulation skills. If my DH ever pulled a stunt like you described I would assume an alien had taken over his body because:

Who talks like that in front of their child???
Who says such demeaning things to their spouse over such a minor perceived slight???

A man baby does. I don’t care how much $$ he makes or how much appreciation he needs, his behavior was 100% inappropriate.

And, to all of the women on this thread who coddle their man baby husbands, I feel very sorry for you. Dump these losers and find new husbands. There are plenty of men who make good money and are true partners and don’t act like man babies.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d leave and find an adult man with emotional regulation skills. If my DH ever pulled a stunt like you described I would assume an alien had taken over his body because:

Who talks like that in front of their child???
Who says such demeaning things to their spouse over such a minor perceived slight???

A man baby does. I don’t care how much $$ he makes or how much appreciation he needs, his behavior was 100% inappropriate.

And, to all of the women on this thread who coddle their man baby husbands, I feel very sorry for you. Dump these losers and find new husbands. There are plenty of men who make good money and are true partners and don’t act like man babies.

Preach!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just drafted a long post that got deleted because of some stupid pop-up ad. Sigh.

I was going to say that I can really see this from all sides. Obviously, if the wife is making 115 K and says the husband makes a lot more money, then that means he has a high-powered and undoubtedly stressful job. He probably hates it. And he also probably feels stuck. I was there once. It’s not easy.

He doesn’t hate you. He just feels unappreciated. The family’s entire stability and financial footing depends on him. And he knows it but can’t say it because that’s the nuclear option.

Sounds like he does say it.

Yea you’re right. I guess he does. So OP
might consider listening.

I was the sole breadwinner for our large family and was in Big law. The pressure was enormous. I’d come home and nobody wanted to hear about my day either. And I could certainly understand why. My day typically sucked.

I’m PP, and me too actually. And I get it. But throwing a tantrum over dinner moves you further from the goal of being appreciated. Also “appreciation” is hard to define. What looks like appreciation probably looks different for you, me, and OP’s husband. (I’m woman - the idea of my children clapping for me when I walked in is gross).

I didn’t expect clapping either. Trust me. It’s hard to define, yes.

We have four kids. My spouse is smart and has a good education and obviously could have worked and made some money but it really wouldn’t have made sense as a practical matter. As you know, if you hit the big time in Biglaw—let’s say the counsel level or above—the pay reaches a pretty ridiculous level and the gap between it and the other spouse’s job more often than not becomes huge. That makes both spouses working with a bunch of kids a largely unjustifiable proposition as a practical matter other than allowing the lower paying spouse to seek “fulfillment”— but only at additional cost to the higher earning spouse who themself is already not “fulfilled.” And that’s not fair either.

In our case, basically what happened was our youngest went off to college just about the same time that our oldest had a baby, so my spouse elected to help out full-time until the baby was old enough for preschool. But by this point, she was no spring chicken. So I would come home from yet another shitty day of work, and there would be no dinner. That would never bother me, let’s just go out I’d say. No, I’m too tired for that, get yourself some takeout I need to lie down. It absolutely frustrated me and for a while I really resented both my spouse and my daughter.

In the end, I just retired early and the resentment went away. We’re all fine now although at times my prior “resentment” is brought up. And when it is, I have never once said “none of it would’ve been possible without me“ because again that’s the nuclear option. You’re not allowed to say that.

Have you ever taken care of a baby full-time in your old age after raising an entire family and then been anonymously castigated by your spouse online for not cooking dinner or wanting to go out to a restaurant?

Until you’ve done that you should take your big law money and make a Scrooge McDuck money bin to swim in because that’s all you deserve. I hope your children and grandchildren know your true character.

I’m one of the women breadwinners who said that it’s okay to use the “nuclear option” to get what you need. The PP above me clearly has no idea what it takes to spend decades as the breadwinner, let alone in a big law firm. Most people are more decent than this poster. But if your wife was like this, I honestly think it would have been better for you to say it earlier rather than stewing. But retiring early is probably a better option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just drafted a long post that got deleted because of some stupid pop-up ad. Sigh.

I was going to say that I can really see this from all sides. Obviously, if the wife is making 115 K and says the husband makes a lot more money, then that means he has a high-powered and undoubtedly stressful job. He probably hates it. And he also probably feels stuck. I was there once. It’s not easy.

He doesn’t hate you. He just feels unappreciated. The family’s entire stability and financial footing depends on him. And he knows it but can’t say it because that’s the nuclear option.

Sounds like he does say it.

Yea you’re right. I guess he does. So OP
might consider listening.

I was the sole breadwinner for our large family and was in Big law. The pressure was enormous. I’d come home and nobody wanted to hear about my day either. And I could certainly understand why. My day typically sucked.

I’m PP, and me too actually. And I get it. But throwing a tantrum over dinner moves you further from the goal of being appreciated. Also “appreciation” is hard to define. What looks like appreciation probably looks different for you, me, and OP’s husband. (I’m woman - the idea of my children clapping for me when I walked in is gross).

I didn’t expect clapping either. Trust me. It’s hard to define, yes.

We have four kids. My spouse is smart and has a good education and obviously could have worked and made some money but it really wouldn’t have made sense as a practical matter. As you know, if you hit the big time in Biglaw—let’s say the counsel level or above—the pay reaches a pretty ridiculous level and the gap between it and the other spouse’s job more often than not becomes huge. That makes both spouses working with a bunch of kids a largely unjustifiable proposition as a practical matter other than allowing the lower paying spouse to seek “fulfillment”— but only at additional cost to the higher earning spouse who themself is already not “fulfilled.” And that’s not fair either.

In our case, basically what happened was our youngest went off to college just about the same time that our oldest had a baby, so my spouse elected to help out full-time until the baby was old enough for preschool. But by this point, she was no spring chicken. So I would come home from yet another shitty day of work, and there would be no dinner. That would never bother me, let’s just go out I’d say. No, I’m too tired for that, get yourself some takeout I need to lie down. It absolutely frustrated me and for a while I really resented both my spouse and my daughter.

In the end, I just retired early and the resentment went away. We’re all fine now although at times my prior “resentment” is brought up. And when it is, I have never once said “none of it would’ve been possible without me“ because again that’s the nuclear option. You’re not allowed to say that.

Have you ever taken care of a baby full-time in your old age after raising an entire family and then been anonymously castigated by your spouse online for not cooking dinner or wanting to go out to a restaurant?

Until you’ve done that you should take your big law money and make a Scrooge McDuck money bin to swim in because that’s all you deserve. I hope your children and grandchildren know your true character.

If that’s how you interpret what was said there, you have some pretty serious issues yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just drafted a long post that got deleted because of some stupid pop-up ad. Sigh.

I was going to say that I can really see this from all sides. Obviously, if the wife is making 115 K and says the husband makes a lot more money, then that means he has a high-powered and undoubtedly stressful job. He probably hates it. And he also probably feels stuck. I was there once. It’s not easy.

He doesn’t hate you. He just feels unappreciated. The family’s entire stability and financial footing depends on him. And he knows it but can’t say it because that’s the nuclear option.

Sounds like he does say it.

Yea you’re right. I guess he does. So OP
might consider listening.

I was the sole breadwinner for our large family and was in Big law. The pressure was enormous. I’d come home and nobody wanted to hear about my day either. And I could certainly understand why. My day typically sucked.

I’m PP, and me too actually. And I get it. But throwing a tantrum over dinner moves you further from the goal of being appreciated. Also “appreciation” is hard to define. What looks like appreciation probably looks different for you, me, and OP’s husband. (I’m woman - the idea of my children clapping for me when I walked in is gross).

I didn’t expect clapping either. Trust me. It’s hard to define, yes.

We have four kids. My spouse is smart and has a good education and obviously could have worked and made some money but it really wouldn’t have made sense as a practical matter. As you know, if you hit the big time in Biglaw—let’s say the counsel level or above—the pay reaches a pretty ridiculous level and the gap between it and the other spouse’s job more often than not becomes huge. That makes both spouses working with a bunch of kids a largely unjustifiable proposition as a practical matter other than allowing the lower paying spouse to seek “fulfillment”— but only at additional cost to the higher earning spouse who themself is already not “fulfilled.” And that’s not fair either.

In our case, basically what happened was our youngest went off to college just about the same time that our oldest had a baby, so my spouse elected to help out full-time until the baby was old enough for preschool. But by this point, she was no spring chicken. So I would come home from yet another shitty day of work, and there would be no dinner. That would never bother me, let’s just go out I’d say. No, I’m too tired for that, get yourself some takeout I need to lie down. It absolutely frustrated me and for a while I really resented both my spouse and my daughter.

In the end, I just retired early and the resentment went away. We’re all fine now although at times my prior “resentment” is brought up. And when it is, I have never once said “none of it would’ve been possible without me“ because again that’s the nuclear option. You’re not allowed to say that.

Have you ever taken care of a baby full-time in your old age after raising an entire family and then been anonymously castigated by your spouse online for not cooking dinner or wanting to go out to a restaurant?

Until you’ve done that you should take your big law money and make a Scrooge McDuck money bin to swim in because that’s all you deserve. I hope your children and grandchildren know your true character.

I’m one of the women breadwinners who said that it’s okay to use the “nuclear option” to get what you need. The PP above me clearly has no idea what it takes to spend decades as the breadwinner, let alone in a big law firm. Most people are more decent than this poster. But if your wife was like this, I honestly think it would have been better for you to say it earlier rather than stewing. But retiring early is probably a better option.

Thank you. It definitely was better for me to just retire. And contrary to what the other poster said, I absolutely did appreciate how hard helping with the baby was. It’s why I resented my daughter at the time—I really didn’t think it was fair for her to ask my wife to take that on after already raising her own kids. And if that poster had taken a breath before responding and actually read what I wrote, she’d see that never once did I ever express any resentment over my spouse staying home to raise our own kids. It was only after the shift went to grandkids.