Does getting married mean you just slowly lose yourself until there's nothing left?
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Anonymous
+100 “ . I moved to his side of town. Joined his church. Started spending all my time with his family. when we were 31 we moved to another city that I hate for his work. “ It sounds to me like you decided to give up yourself and don’t like the choices you made. There are many wives who don’t attend the same church as their husbands. Why on earth did you spend all of your time with his family while neglecting your aging mother? Frankly you have trained your husband that it’s your natural desire to acquiescence to whatever he wants so he probably has no idea that you dislike this setup. Grow a backbone and stop being a doormat if you aren’t enjoying the tradwife experience. Even most tradwives have a lot more agency in their role than you do. |
Anonymous
Honestly, this makes you sound like a naive country bumpkin. Make new friends. |
Anonymous
| I don’t say this lightly but you should divorce. Life is too short. With his BigLaw schedule and salary you’ll get primary custody and child support. You will have to stay in the city you dislike but you can get away from him. |
Anonymous
| OP, are you sure you went to law school? You sound very weak and uneducated, especially for 37. I'm not buying it. "his side of town. Joined his church. Started spending all my time with his family." Troll. This is not someone who graduated from law school. |
Anonymous
It’s funny I thought the same thing reading the OP. I wonder if they met while the DH was in law school? It’s worded very ambiguously and implies that OP was in law school, but does not actually say so. |
Anonymous
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Yes you will lose yourself if your spouse is not article supporting, you, the kids or the property or schedule.
You are being dumped on and it’s a game of chicken. He won’t lift a finger for anything except his office job/paycheck, and he knows you will do everything or else the kids will suffer. Deadweights like this, even if a lawyer, end up divorced. |
Anonymous
| *actively |
Anonymous
+100. It’s either now or 10 years from now when OP is even more ground down and depressed. This reminds me of the new mom posting that her DH wants to take a golf trip 5 weeks PP … it does not actually get better with deadweights. It gets worse. There is an argument for waiting things out while the kids are little so as not to lose and custody time. But OP should consider whether the DH would actually fight for 50% and get it - considering his BigLaw schedule. Divorcing now when it’s even clearer that he cannot do 50% may be a good move. I waited until my kid was 11 and have some regrets. It affected his mental health and it pretty much removed me from any potential dating pool because I’m older and frankly broke down due to the decade of bullsh-t. But on the other hand it allowed me to become totally financially independent and DC is old enough that I don’t have to be worried about his physical safety when with DH. But at the end of the day … life is so much better now. I wish I had shed the dead weight years ago. |
Anonymous
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You choose your life. Embrace it .. Find things to do or divorce and move back to the city you’re from. |
Anonymous
| You do lose some of your self when you get married because you are now a couple rather than just a self. But that’s ok. Becoming a doormat is not Ok. |
Anonymous
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TAKE ACTION NOW:
1. Hire nanny 2. Get some hobbies 3. Travel more 4. Go see your family more 5. Don’t ask permission, just DO |
Anonymous
This was my exact reaction. OP if you were smart enough to go to law school, you are smart enough to get out of this mess. Go back to work and divorce as soon as possible. |
Anonymous
| Pretty much, yes. I got divorced at 42. I don’t regret it because I hated being married and we were never in love. I was also working full-time and doing almost all the childcare as well and it was exhausting and it mostly still is. I have eight more years of coparenting left and I am 47. Divorce isn’t better. It’s just different. Both situations are pretty bad, but yes, motherhood—you pretty much lose yourself. |
Anonymous
I just posted, but I’ll also respond to this which is is that a divorce really doesn’t make things better because coparenting and logistics of housing and scheduling completely sucks the truth is you never get rid of the person if you have kids because the default is usually 50-50 unless the guy gives up custody, which is incredibly rare so a divorce doesn’t really make this better. It actually makes it worse in a lot of ways so don’t recommend divorce unless you know What it really entails. It’s not necessarily better. It’s just different. You have to pick which poison you can live with. Just getting a divorce does not improve the situation— far from it. I’m divorced and have been in coparenting hell for five years and I have eight years to go sometimes I think I should’ve just waited longer because it’s not really better. It’s just different, but I am glad not to be married to him, however, financially and logistically, it was easier before. We just ignored each other —that was easier than coparenting for the past five years and for the next eight. |
Anonymous
No, she won’t get primary custody. She’ll get 50-50. He can adjust his hours or higher a nanny on his time. |