Would you get an amnio? Ambiguous genitalia at 20 week US

[Anonymous]

OP:
Have also been following your story and thinking about you.

Our first child had some medical issues at birth and spent a lot of time in the NICU and I was sort of consumed with understanding why it happened and in retrospect, I just want to share this with you. THere was a study done that showed that the number one predictor of whether or not a mom blamed themselves in some way for a medical outcome with a pregnancy was the mother's education level.

In other words, educated women tend to want to have an explanation, and in doing so, they often find themselves creating/concocting an explanation that implicates them in some way. Don't do this! And if reading things online is causing you to have those sorts of thoughts (Is it because I went to that party and ended up getting the flu when I knew I should have stayed home? IS it because I ate deli meat that one time? The one glass of wine?) then stop reading. (I had the flu at 29 weeks and we have a kid on the autistic spectrum and I read something that said that exposure to some viruses at that stage might be implicated and I spent a year beating myself up for going to a Christmas party where I likely got the flu. People with perhaps less education who read less, including medical journals, would likely never have gotten this information and put these two events together.)

Take care of yourself. Breathe deeply. Be joyful about birthing a new life and stop reading if it's upsetting you. You may never know why this happened but don't miss out on the joy of a new baby because you're consumed with this question. (I'm speaking from experience here.)

THinking about that corny poem by Rumi about how 'your children are not your own. They are the outcome of life's longing for itself' and our job is to nurture them while they're here. In my case, I realized that thinking that I "made" the baby and therefore I was responsible for any negative outcomes was kind of arrogant because we're really just the custodians of their lives, but they come from God or the universe or something else, and not only from our bodies. Thinking of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, just another stranger reading your story and wishing you well. Please feel free to tell me to eff off if this is inappropriate, but have you decided what to do name-wise? Like a female name, or one that is gender-neutral (since I recognize that you don't know exactly what you will be dealing with - or if it's even anything abnormal at all!)

Agree with someone who posted earlier - this baby is lucky to have you.

Thank you for the well-wishes and kind words. We're looking at gender-neutral names and also names that lean one gender or the other, including some that have switched over time/historically (think of things like Tracy, Ashley, etc.). I have a gender-neutral first name myself and while I found it annoying growing up (getting mail addressed to "Mr. [Name]" and all that), as an adult I've really come to love it, so that's definitely an option on the table. We just haven't settled on any particular name or direction now since we don't actually know very much - the degree to which the baby's external appearance will lean one way or the other, what the situation is internally, what the doctors may recommend, and of course the (remote, I know!) chance that actually everything is totally normal. It used to be the norm not to name one's baby until actually meeting them, so we've just reverted to that practice until we figure out how to move forward. Apparently another PP has taken that as evidence we're looking to "shove the baby into a gender box," as if we're waiting to make sure we can safely name them Ammabella Vagina McFemaleGirl or something and provide only lace-trimmed clothing in the pink and lavender color family, but that's decidedly not what's going on here. Simply put, we know virtually nothing right now, so it seems wisest to decide nothing until we need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP:
Have also been following your story and thinking about you.

Our first child had some medical issues at birth and spent a lot of time in the NICU and I was sort of consumed with understanding why it happened and in retrospect, I just want to share this with you. THere was a study done that showed that the number one predictor of whether or not a mom blamed themselves in some way for a medical outcome with a pregnancy was the mother's education level.

In other words, educated women tend to want to have an explanation, and in doing so, they often find themselves creating/concocting an explanation that implicates them in some way. Don't do this! And if reading things online is causing you to have those sorts of thoughts (Is it because I went to that party and ended up getting the flu when I knew I should have stayed home? IS it because I ate deli meat that one time? The one glass of wine?) then stop reading. (I had the flu at 29 weeks and we have a kid on the autistic spectrum and I read something that said that exposure to some viruses at that stage might be implicated and I spent a year beating myself up for going to a Christmas party where I likely got the flu. People with perhaps less education who read less, including medical journals, would likely never have gotten this information and put these two events together.)

Take care of yourself. Breathe deeply. Be joyful about birthing a new life and stop reading if it's upsetting you. You may never know why this happened but don't miss out on the joy of a new baby because you're consumed with this question. (I'm speaking from experience here.)

THinking about that corny poem by Rumi about how 'your children are not your own. They are the outcome of life's longing for itself' and our job is to nurture them while they're here. In my case, I realized that thinking that I "made" the baby and therefore I was responsible for any negative outcomes was kind of arrogant because we're really just the custodians of their lives, but they come from God or the universe or something else, and not only from our bodies. Thinking of you.

This is so helpful and beautiful, thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:
Have also been following your story and thinking about you.

Our first child had some medical issues at birth and spent a lot of time in the NICU and I was sort of consumed with understanding why it happened and in retrospect, I just want to share this with you. THere was a study done that showed that the number one predictor of whether or not a mom blamed themselves in some way for a medical outcome with a pregnancy was the mother's education level.

In other words, educated women tend to want to have an explanation, and in doing so, they often find themselves creating/concocting an explanation that implicates them in some way. Don't do this! And if reading things online is causing you to have those sorts of thoughts (Is it because I went to that party and ended up getting the flu when I knew I should have stayed home? IS it because I ate deli meat that one time? The one glass of wine?) then stop reading. (I had the flu at 29 weeks and we have a kid on the autistic spectrum and I read something that said that exposure to some viruses at that stage might be implicated and I spent a year beating myself up for going to a Christmas party where I likely got the flu. People with perhaps less education who read less, including medical journals, would likely never have gotten this information and put these two events together.)

Take care of yourself. Breathe deeply. Be joyful about birthing a new life and stop reading if it's upsetting you. You may never know why this happened but don't miss out on the joy of a new baby because you're consumed with this question. (I'm speaking from experience here.)

THinking about that corny poem by Rumi about how 'your children are not your own. They are the outcome of life's longing for itself' and our job is to nurture them while they're here. In my case, I realized that thinking that I "made" the baby and therefore I was responsible for any negative outcomes was kind of arrogant because we're really just the custodians of their lives, but they come from God or the universe or something else, and not only from our bodies. Thinking of you.

This is so helpful and beautiful, thank you!

+1. Wishing that everyone can take that philosophy to heart. We need to forgive ourselves more often and learn to let go of the worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, just another stranger reading your story and wishing you well. Please feel free to tell me to eff off if this is inappropriate, but have you decided what to do name-wise? Like a female name, or one that is gender-neutral (since I recognize that you don't know exactly what you will be dealing with - or if it's even anything abnormal at all!)

Agree with someone who posted earlier - this baby is lucky to have you.

Thank you for the well-wishes and kind words. We're looking at gender-neutral names and also names that lean one gender or the other, including some that have switched over time/historically (think of things like Tracy, Ashley, etc.). I have a gender-neutral first name myself and while I found it annoying growing up (getting mail addressed to "Mr. [Name]" and all that), as an adult I've really come to love it, so that's definitely an option on the table. We just haven't settled on any particular name or direction now since we don't actually know very much - the degree to which the baby's external appearance will lean one way or the other, what the situation is internally, what the doctors may recommend, and of course the (remote, I know!) chance that actually everything is totally normal. It used to be the norm not to name one's baby until actually meeting them, so we've just reverted to that practice until we figure out how to move forward. Apparently another PP has taken that as evidence we're looking to "shove the baby into a gender box," as if we're waiting to make sure we can safely name them Ammabella Vagina McFemaleGirl or something and provide only lace-trimmed clothing in the pink and lavender color family, but that's decidedly not what's going on here. Simply put, we know virtually nothing right now, so it seems wisest to decide nothing until we need to.

Vagina McFemaleGirl Smith. There you have it!

Op, You literally made me laugh out loud with that in the midst of all you are going through. Your grace under pressure is remarkable. You should be so proud of the way you handle yourself - even in front of strangers on the Internet. You are a gem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, volunteering an update just because I wanna complain. I've now reached the point where I'm having Braxton Hicks contractions constantly for having the audacity to do strenuous activities such as "take a step" or "go outdoors." So close, yet so very far.

One thing I'm noticing though is that as my due date approaches, the genitalia issue seems to be on my mind more than it has been for a while - I've found myself going back down the Google rabbit hole and all that, and I think I'm afraid that somehow even after the baby is born the doctors won't be able to determine a reason why this happened. I also read somewhere that the testing to determine what's going on and how best to raise the baby (gender-wise) can take a week after the birth, and it's difficult to think of going a week without being able to give him/her a name or tell people anything, or know anything. For some reason also, lately, the baby "feels" like a girl to me all of a sudden, if that makes sense? Like in the same way I "felt" my son was a boy before we found out for sure. I know my feelings aren't facts and I'm not sure I believe in any kind of special mother's intuition, and most likely I'm just latching onto the the only definitive information I have which is the presence of XX chromosomes. But on the other hand, maybe it's not so crazy to think I'd have some special intuition or insight into a person that's literally growing inside my body? I dunno, I suppose I'm rambling a bit. And then there's also the small corner of my brain that's holding on to hope that this has all been some absurd ultrasound mistake and everything will look totally normal when the baby is born. I just hope I can get myself into some sort of peaceful headspace between now and the birth.

Pretty sure everyone who reads your posts is deeply affected by your wisdom in the face of uncertainties, OP, when wisdom does not mean knowledge. Thank you.

TBH OP doesn't really seem to have taken advantage of all the resources on trans/inter-sex issues. I mean, why are you holding back on a name? There are plenty of great unisex names. So even if you to the best of the ability assign a certain gender, your child may not have to change their name. Lee, Alex, Charlie, Jules, Jordan, Sage, Rory ...

There is no right or wrong way to manage this. You have no right to judge OP. OP, thank you for sharing your hopes and concerns with us. I have been following your journey and continue to send positive thoughts your way.

of course there's a wrong way to manage this - to be so panicked about shoving a child into a gender category that you create a very unhappy kid, possibly with harmful surgery. OP's child is going to be born into a world where talking about intersex , trans, and all kinds of non-binary stuff is totally normal, so this is all going to need to be addressed up front with them, with no need to panic.

OP here. PP, thanks so much for being a representative for the "you're a terrible parent for being concerned about this at all" contingent. It's extremely helpful to me since I definitely needed assistance feeling shitty and insufficiently progressive for not immediately taking in stride a thus-far unexplained condition that's created uncertainty about something that, apart from rare cases, is actually usually pretty clear during pregnancy/after birth. If you're finished making snide and incorrect assumptions about what resources I've looked into and how I'm planning to harm my child and make them miserable, I'll be sure to take your thoughts under advisement, so no need to go on.

OP, I know it's hard, but please ignore the morons. It's evident to anyone with a brain stem that you love, care about, and are deeply invested in doing what's best for your baby now and in the future. Wishing you love, peace, and courage in your continuing journey; thanks for letting us know how you're doing.

[Anonymous]

Came here to check on you, OP, and to wish you well. Now that I see that a ridiculous person(s) decided to post at 12:37 and 13:01, I would like to add an FU to those posts. Ugh, some people just cannot find a healthy outlet for their anger and agenda.

[Anonymous]

I know of a couple of movie stars who were born hermaphrodites. (One I know for sure, because my friend's dad delivered "her.") It's not as uncommon as you think. It's a good idea to find out the genetic sex so you don't make a decision that goes against who your baby is.

good luck. not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know of a couple of movie stars who were born hermaphrodites. (One I know for sure, because my friend's dad delivered "her.") It's not as uncommon as you think. It's a good idea to find out the genetic sex so you don't make a decision that goes against who your baby is.

good luck. not the end of the world.

This is really unethical, and it sickens me that you know this information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know of a couple of movie stars who were born hermaphrodites. (One I know for sure, because my friend's dad delivered "her.") It's not as uncommon as you think. It's a good idea to find out the genetic sex so you don't make a decision that goes against who your baby is.

good luck. not the end of the world.

This is really unethical, and it sickens me that you know this information.

You're right, it is. I'm the PP you quoted. I never thought of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know of a couple of movie stars who were born hermaphrodites. (One I know for sure, because my friend's dad delivered "her.") It's not as uncommon as you think. It's a good idea to find out the genetic sex so you don't make a decision that goes against who your baby is.

good luck. not the end of the world.

This is really unethical, and it sickens me that you know this information.

You're right, it is. I'm the PP you quoted. I never thought of that.

you may also want to rethink the scarequotes around her. smh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When is your due date again, OP? I can't imagine the stress and worry, but you are handling it with such grace that I know any uncertainty will be handled the same way you are doing it now!

I'm due early September, so a little over 3 weeks to go.

You're doing amazingly, OP!

I don't think it's weird for you to have a sense of your baby. You and your baby have been sharing the same space for 9 months now!

OTOH, it's also not weird to not have everything decided. If you're waiting on a name or an announcement, just tell people you want a little time with your baby with just your family before you invite the world in. That's a perfectly reasonable desire, even if you didn't have other stuff going on to make this process harder on you!

Do you have a friend at work you could designate as the "information" person? I did that when I had my baby, because an older, wiser woman suggested that with my first child I wasn't going to know which was up. She was right. It was handy to be able to tell anyone who got around my information person that they should talk to Larla, she would be keeper of the information, because I was exhausted and just trying to figure out how to be a mom. My friend at work was happy to be the gatekeeper. I'd bet most women would be willing, if it's something you'd want to consider. (Then it's just "OP hasn't told me the name yet! She had the baby yesterday, and Baby Jones was 20 inches long!") Any information you don't yet feel comfortable sharing becomes "she hasn't told me yet!" rather than you having to deal with the weight and stress of this.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am one more internet supporter that admires your strength. You are a very strong persons and your baby is lucky to have you. Re not having a name yet, well my son did not have one for 29 days (30 days was a legal limit in a place we lived at the time). And looking back I was just happy to enjoy bonding with my baby boy that was a girl for a month, then a boy after an amino, that is an amnio where cells did not grow properly, and having placenta problems as of 30th week. All this with having kids with Down syndrome in our family...

We say that each pregnancy is a cat in a sack (pig in the poke). Enjoy your pregnancy. Enjoy your family. Enjoy your newborn. They grow up so fast.

[Anonymous]

God bless you and your baby, op. You sound like
a very thoughtful and interesting person. I wish you all the best!

[Anonymous]

It totally makes sense that you know she’s a girl. We didn’t find out the sex of our babies, but I “knew” they were boys. When they came out I was like “yup just as I thought”