BIL pissed that we won't be at his wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. I'm not sure that a grown woman who plans a birthday party for herself so far out that people have no way to make excuses and have to commit to a lavish party (with a band, no less) months in advance--then when that doesn't work out, then requires family members to commit (again, months in advance) to yet anothe weekend in her honor, is any less narcissistic than the BIL here.

If you cannot see the difference between these 2 situations then I have to question your mental competence.

DP. I see the difference and think a birthday, even a milestone birthday, is less important than a wedding, even a second one.

If the couple was so determined to have family at the wedding they should have given more notice. They planned solely according to their convenience. Others don’t have to jump to their tunes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s insane to expect people to drop their plans 4 weeks in advance to fly ANYWHERE for a wedding. This is a clear “we hope you can make it, but understand if you can’t” situation.

I don't think she would drop her plans with more notice. This birthday dinner has been planned for months already and is still a month away.

Because grown adults do make plans in their lives, especially with friends and family. And they don't change them on a whim because someone else rushes in at the last minute and says "hey I expect you to fly 24 hours+ and cancel your plans because I'm special and you must attend". They RSVP No and wish them well. If the BIL actually cared about others they would schedule this with 9-12 months notice so people can actually attend

[Anonymous]

LOL at all the Bridezillas on this thread salty that people might actually have backbones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Exactly, I would not dream that other people would drop everything to come to my wedding. It is not that important - personally I don't give a shit.

I wouldn't dream that anyone would drop everything and come to my wedding either, but if I invited someone and they took the time to tell me they weren't coming to my wedding because they had a dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant, I would certainly feel some kind of way about that.

OP's husband should have just said "so sorry we can't make it, take lots of pictures" and kept it moving. Telling the whole family that none of his family is attending the wedding because she has a birthday party the week before and a fancy dinner reservation the week after is . . . either intentionally rude or simply foolish.

It is NOt a "dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant"! It's "dinner with all of our grown kids in ONe place that we have planned for months to make happen. Most had to fly to get there and arrange their vacation/work schedule to make it happen" dinner to celebrate mom.

OP, how many of the other posts are actually you? I kind of suspected. Take the whole wedding out of the picture--and entire two weekends that simply cannot be changed to celebrate your birthday is the height of self-centeredness and immaturity. Seriously, go volunteer or something.

I know you'll accuse me of being OP but her post says she planned a milestone birthday at a venue, which is a normal thing to do, but one child became unavailable after the party had been booked. They therefore booked another dinner the next week when the child could travel to her. Multiple family members have arranged flights to be at these events and the other child will otherwise be out of the country. These are perfectly reasonable reasons to not be able to travel.

+1

When we make plans for our entire family to gather, it involves air travel for the grown kids and us (3 kids, live in different cities than us and the others). So if we have planned to gather for a week/long weekend/how ever long on a getaway/vacation, we are not changing that for someone else who "schedules an event". We simply RSVP No and send our best wishes. That is what normal people do. Likewise, If I schedule an event I don't expect everyone to attend, and certainly not if it's with only 4 weeks notice. B ecaeus I realize people have lives that don't revolve around me and that 4 weeks is late notice

[Anonymous]

OP not sure if you are still reading but could your DH go b4 the wedding and host his brother's bachelor party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. I'm not sure that a grown woman who plans a birthday party for herself so far out that people have no way to make excuses and have to commit to a lavish party (with a band, no less) months in advance--then when that doesn't work out, then requires family members to commit (again, months in advance) to yet anothe weekend in her honor, is any less narcissistic than the BIL here.

Ummm, the people who "couldn't make it" were her KIDS. So they found another time that works for the entire immediate family to gather. They made plans, adjusted vacation days, purchased airfare and arranged to gather as a family. It doesn't matter the reason, other than the family was getting EVERYONE together. My immediate family well thought out plans takes presidence over anyone else (including family) last minute plans for an event (even if it's only 4 hour flight away).
When your kids no longer live in the same city as you, you cherish the time together and it takes a lot to arrange when they can all be there (one kid is a doctor in residency, you cannot just say "I want next weekend off" you have to plan and be approved well in advance. Another is an accountant, so certain times of the year, they cannot just get time off, it's not allowed)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. I'm not sure that a grown woman who plans a birthday party for herself so far out that people have no way to make excuses and have to commit to a lavish party (with a band, no less) months in advance--then when that doesn't work out, then requires family members to commit (again, months in advance) to yet anothe weekend in her honor, is any less narcissistic than the BIL here.

If you cannot see the difference between these 2 situations then I have to question your mental competence.

DP. I see the difference and think a birthday, even a milestone birthday, is less important than a wedding, even a second one.

That is your choice. But many people (obviously) think you don't drop your own well thought out plans and fly for 24 hours + on very short notice. If the BIL wanted all his siblings and family there for the wedding, he would have planned and given notice and worked to make it happen, not just demanded it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Exactly, I would not dream that other people would drop everything to come to my wedding. It is not that important - personally I don't give a shit.

I wouldn't dream that anyone would drop everything and come to my wedding either, but if I invited someone and they took the time to tell me they weren't coming to my wedding because they had a dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant, I would certainly feel some kind of way about that.

OP's husband should have just said "so sorry we can't make it, take lots of pictures" and kept it moving. Telling the whole family that none of his family is attending the wedding because she has a birthday party the week before and a fancy dinner reservation the week after is . . . either intentionally rude or simply foolish.

It is NOt a "dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant"! It's "dinner with all of our grown kids in ONe place that we have planned for months to make happen. Most had to fly to get there and arrange their vacation/work schedule to make it happen" dinner to celebrate mom.

OP, how many of the other posts are actually you? I kind of suspected. Take the whole wedding out of the picture--and entire two weekends that simply cannot be changed to celebrate your birthday is the height of self-centeredness and immaturity. Seriously, go volunteer or something.

I'm the PP (not the OP). It doesn't matter if it's bday celebration or not. It's planned events with friends and family, just like the BIL wedding. Except OP actually planned in advance (not 4 weeks out) and isn't expecting others to change/cacnel their plans to attend. When you plan in advance, people get to choose if they want to attend.

I agree with this. But I'm a sucker and like to keep the peace. I'd probably try to leave as soon as possible after party with friends and reschedule dinner with kids. Your BIL is rude but he is family. Also, I am one of those people who do not think birthday's are a big deal. It is fun to have the excuse to celebrate something but to me - I don't care about mind all that much. if you think birthday's are a big deal than, I totally understand your POV. I have friends that plan b-day parties for themselves and that is fine too, but weddings are rare. someone is joining your family. you will have more birthday's most likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Exactly, I would not dream that other people would drop everything to come to my wedding. It is not that important - personally I don't give a shit.

I wouldn't dream that anyone would drop everything and come to my wedding either, but if I invited someone and they took the time to tell me they weren't coming to my wedding because they had a dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant, I would certainly feel some kind of way about that.

OP's husband should have just said "so sorry we can't make it, take lots of pictures" and kept it moving. Telling the whole family that none of his family is attending the wedding because she has a birthday party the week before and a fancy dinner reservation the week after is . . . either intentionally rude or simply foolish.

It is NOt a "dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant"! It's "dinner with all of our grown kids in ONe place that we have planned for months to make happen. Most had to fly to get there and arrange their vacation/work schedule to make it happen" dinner to celebrate mom.

OP, how many of the other posts are actually you? I kind of suspected. Take the whole wedding out of the picture--and entire two weekends that simply cannot be changed to celebrate your birthday is the height of self-centeredness and immaturity. Seriously, go volunteer or something.

I'm the PP (not the OP). It doesn't matter if it's bday celebration or not. It's planned events with friends and family, just like the BIL wedding. Except OP actually planned in advance (not 4 weeks out) and isn't expecting others to change/cacnel their plans to attend. When you plan in advance, people get to choose if they want to attend.

I agree with this. But I'm a sucker and like to keep the peace. I'd probably try to leave as soon as possible after party with friends and reschedule dinner with kids. Your BIL is rude but he is family. Also, I am one of those people who do not think birthday's are a big deal. It is fun to have the excuse to celebrate something but to me - I don't care about mind all that much. if you think birthday's are a big deal than, I totally understand your POV. I have friends that plan b-day parties for themselves and that is fine too, but weddings are rare. someone is joining your family. you will have more birthday's most likely.

As stated above, I'm not the OP. But if someone wants to celebrate their Bday, I'm all for it. The BIL is rude expecting people to adjust their own well planned schedules on such short notice for a trip around the world. And BIL might just have "more weddings" as this is already his and her 2nd. If BIL wants people to attend, then he needs to plan well in advance and coordinate with those he really wants to attend. Not 4 weeks in advance for a trip to Australia.
I don't care if the OP has a bday party, a bachelorette party or whatever, the point is she has events that were carefully planned, well in advance, they matter to her and HER family and it's not something easily rescheduled. Sorry, not sorry, but I highly value seeing all of my kids together. Sounds like OP does as well. And she worked hard to make this happen, so why does anyone think the BIL 2nd wedding (heck even a 1st wedding) takes precedence? It shouldn't. RSVP no and send your regrets, that is all they need to do. If BIL truly cared, he would have planned better

[Anonymous]

Personally I’d be very annoyed if I had scheduled air travel to see my parents and they bailed on me to fly to Australia at a couple weeks notice for a wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Exactly, I would not dream that other people would drop everything to come to my wedding. It is not that important - personally I don't give a shit.

I wouldn't dream that anyone would drop everything and come to my wedding either, but if I invited someone and they took the time to tell me they weren't coming to my wedding because they had a dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant, I would certainly feel some kind of way about that.

OP's husband should have just said "so sorry we can't make it, take lots of pictures" and kept it moving. Telling the whole family that none of his family is attending the wedding because she has a birthday party the week before and a fancy dinner reservation the week after is . . . either intentionally rude or simply foolish.

It is NOt a "dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant"! It's "dinner with all of our grown kids in ONe place that we have planned for months to make happen. Most had to fly to get there and arrange their vacation/work schedule to make it happen" dinner to celebrate mom.

OP, how many of the other posts are actually you? I kind of suspected. Take the whole wedding out of the picture--and entire two weekends that simply cannot be changed to celebrate your birthday is the height of self-centeredness and immaturity. Seriously, go volunteer or something.

I'm the PP (not the OP). It doesn't matter if it's bday celebration or not. It's planned events with friends and family, just like the BIL wedding. Except OP actually planned in advance (not 4 weeks out) and isn't expecting others to change/cacnel their plans to attend. When you plan in advance, people get to choose if they want to attend.

Yep.
BIL is fine to plan this on short notice, but he can't be mad that people can't attend. Come on.
Let them be mad. Send them a copy of Mel Robbins book if you want to be passive aggressive. Enjoy your birthday parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally I’d be very annoyed if I had scheduled air travel to see my parents and they bailed on me to fly to Australia at a couple weeks notice for a wedding.

+1
Some of you with adult children don't seem to realize how difficult to plan and special these times with your adult kids home are!

[Anonymous]

All of the posters saying how the BIL is “family” and family is more important than anything else, do they not consider adult children family? When your kids are grown and scattered, it is not often that you can all be together, regardless of whether it’s a parent’s birthday or whatever occasion. To me, that family has significantly more importance than extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s insane to expect people to drop their plans 4 weeks in advance to fly ANYWHERE for a wedding. This is a clear “we hope you can make it, but understand if you can’t” situation.

I don't think she would drop her plans with more notice. This birthday dinner has been planned for months already and is still a month away.

Because grown adults do make plans in their lives, especially with friends and family. And they don't change them on a whim because someone else rushes in at the last minute and says "hey I expect you to fly 24 hours+ and cancel your plans because I'm special and you must attend". They RSVP No and wish them well. If the BIL actually cared about others they would schedule this with 9-12 months notice so people can actually attend

They don't care about the OP coming or not, but she is damned determined to make it about her - her birthday, her party, her band, her dinner, blah blah. All she has to do is say "no" but wants to create all this drama around even being asked to go to a wedding. A second wedding not in a Cathedral to boot. How dare they. Seems like they only care if her husband comes and she throwing a tantrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are being just as ridiculous as your BIL. He is crazy for expecting people to attend a wedding in Australia with 4 weeks notice. You are crazy for being so inflexible. Yes, dinner with family is important and, yes, it can be difficult to get everyone together at the same time. But there are holidays coming up or you could reschedule for another weekend in the future. You need to compromise.

She doesn’t need to do anything she doesn’t want to. BIL could have picked a more suitable date. The misogyny is strong here.

OP, no one took the bait on your original two misogyny references. Let it go.