BIL pissed that we won't be at his wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:If the BIL was that concerned about having family present at the wedding then he could have arranged a date that would suitably accommodate everyone. It’s not like he’s shipping out to war the day after. In the words of Elaine Benes this is an unvitation.

Absolutely this. There is no extenuating circumstance like deployment or a family medical diagnosis or something compelling this wedding to suddenly happen. People who value others being able to attend provide notice, especially for travel. If the BIL wants to randomly do this, he is entitled to do so but no one else needs to bend their life around it.

BIL picked the date suddenly to coordinate with the other brother’s previously-planned trip.

People complaining about the big birthday party for OP sound jealous. Some people celebrate milestones in this way, and she also said her husband was the driver behind it. I agree with the PP who said we need more reasons to celebrate!

If it wasn’t her birthday and instead she had already planned a weekend for all her kids to get together, and the kids bought plane tickets and arranged things, would people be answering differently?

BIL sounds like he has main character syndrome. Adults plan in advance. Adults who expect people to travel around the world for a wedding plan in advance.

Oh, OP, if only you could go back and edit your original post. In fact, it's quite clear YOU and DH planned the party. It says nowhere that DH is "the driver." And yes, if OP (you) had her whole family on flights because THEY wanted to celebrate her birthday and there was no other time, and the weekend was well-planned, etc. the answer would be different. But OP's reason is that she needs an ENTIRE WEEK for her birthday. It's like people completely missed that part.

You must have missed the part where OP said she was sad for her DH who “relished” planning the party.

So? That doesn't make BIL’s request reasonable.

I was not talking about out BIL’s request. I was talking about OP being a self involved drama queen. Keep up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s insane to expect people to drop their plans 4 weeks in advance to fly ANYWHERE for a wedding. This is a clear “we hope you can make it, but understand if you can’t” situation.

Seriously. I’d be miffed if I were asked to fly to Boston on 4 weeks notice, unless it were for a funeral or for a true emergency. Let alone on the other side of the world.

I get being miffed if someone gives you a hard time. But miffed at the request? Some of you have thin boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the BIL was that concerned about having family present at the wedding then he could have arranged a date that would suitably accommodate everyone. It’s not like he’s shipping out to war the day after. In the words of Elaine Benes this is an unvitation.

Absolutely this. There is no extenuating circumstance like deployment or a family medical diagnosis or something compelling this wedding to suddenly happen. People who value others being able to attend provide notice, especially for travel. If the BIL wants to randomly do this, he is entitled to do so but no one else needs to bend their life around it.

BIL picked the date suddenly to coordinate with the other brother’s previously-planned trip.

People complaining about the big birthday party for OP sound jealous. Some people celebrate milestones in this way, and she also said her husband was the driver behind it. I agree with the PP who said we need more reasons to celebrate!

If it wasn’t her birthday and instead she had already planned a weekend for all her kids to get together, and the kids bought plane tickets and arranged things, would people be answering differently?

BIL sounds like he has main character syndrome. Adults plan in advance. Adults who expect people to travel around the world for a wedding plan in advance.

Oh, OP, if only you could go back and edit your original post. In fact, it's quite clear YOU and DH planned the party. It says nowhere that DH is "the driver." And yes, if OP (you) had her whole family on flights because THEY wanted to celebrate her birthday and there was no other time, and the weekend was well-planned, etc. the answer would be different. But OP's reason is that she needs an ENTIRE WEEK for her birthday. It's like people completely missed that part.

You must have missed the part where OP said she was sad for her DH who “relished” planning the party.

So? That doesn't make BIL’s request reasonable.

I was not talking about out BIL’s request. I was talking about OP being a self involved drama queen. Keep up!

Wanting to celebrate a birthday with loved ones is being a drama queen? LOL.

[Anonymous]

I don't care if they lived next block over much less across the world.

Only true narcissists would expect anyone to drop their existing plans and show up to a.comoletely meaningless and performative wedding as this one obviously is, on a.mere.fournweeks notice..

Send your regrets. .you have to draw the line with this thing. The bride and.groom.are.AHs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help me out here.
My BIL (husband's brother) got engaged a couple of years ago. He and his fiancee live in Australia and this will be second wedding for each. When they got engaged we thought their wedding would follow soon after - they are in their 50s, own their own home, no kids, financially comfortable, so no need to "save up" for the big event. When we visited shortly after she was excitedly showing me the cathedral (yes, really) where she wanted to be married. We were very happy for them, especially as BIL has struggled to settle with anyone long-term.

Fast-forward two years and still no sign of a wedding.

I'm celebrating a big birthday this year, and DH and I booked a small but lavish party for our dearest friends (venue, band, catering etc). As one of my children suddenly got a posting order overseas over that date and wouldn't be able to make the party, we booked a really good restaurant for the following weekend when he's briefly home, just for me, husband, all our children and my brother (my only living close relation). All this was booked, invitations sent etc four months ago.

BIL called my husband at the weekend "Guess what, we're getting married!" In four weeks' time. Right in the midweek between both my birthday celebrations (not in the cathedral, btw). My husband explained that because of short notice, booked commitments, distance to travel etc, we would sadly not be able to attend.

His side of the family are now ganging up on him. His other brother is going - but he had already arranged to visit with his kids anyway, which is maybe what spurred the Australia brother to accelerate wedding plans. My father in law lives in a care home (not far from us, so we see him regularly) and not able to attend. But my BIL has obviously been in contact with him as FIL is expressing his disappointment in my husband that we're not going.

Time and again my husband has told them that we had already made plans over that period for my birthday but he's hearing "People are coming from all over the world for this - they dropped their plans to be with us."

For my part, I find it disrespectful that they are urging him to abandon the plans we made for my birthday in favour of an event that appeared at such short notice. Part of me feels it might be gracious to drop the family dinner the weekend after the party, but it's so rare that we're all able to be together, and that date is closest to my birthday anyway. My husband could just about get out to his brother's wedding and back again for the family meal - but he'll be shattered by the travel.

Whatever we do, or don't do, will upset someone. What would you do?

I would ask the brother who will be there to set up a video call of the wedding for us so we can watch it w FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren’t going because you have dinner reservations?

Obviously, you don’t need to go, and you can do what you like, and your BIL shouldn’t pressure you, but your reason seems to be a dinner reservation.

I can see why he is hurt.

Why couldn’t you just say work and DS leaving for posting etc? Most people can’t go to Australia on a month’s notice, since the trip will be 2+ weeks at a minimum. Talking about your birthday dinner was a mistake.

[Anonymous]

My SIL pulled something like this in a country closer (but not much) than Australia. The wedding reflected all the care and attention for the guests you’d expect in someone who thinks people should drop everything at a few weeks notice and fly internationally.

BIL waited until one brother was in town to do this wedding I’m sure he’ll be happy to do it again when you guys plan to visit.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. I'm not sure that a grown woman who plans a birthday party for herself so far out that people have no way to make excuses and have to commit to a lavish party (with a band, no less) months in advance--then when that doesn't work out, then requires family members to commit (again, months in advance) to yet anothe weekend in her honor, is any less narcissistic than the BIL here.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are being just as ridiculous as your BIL. He is crazy for expecting people to attend a wedding in Australia with 4 weeks notice. You are crazy for being so inflexible. Yes, dinner with family is important and, yes, it can be difficult to get everyone together at the same time. But there are holidays coming up or you could reschedule for another weekend in the future. You need to compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. I'm not sure that a grown woman who plans a birthday party for herself so far out that people have no way to make excuses and have to commit to a lavish party (with a band, no less) months in advance--then when that doesn't work out, then requires family members to commit (again, months in advance) to yet anothe weekend in her honor, is any less narcissistic than the BIL here.

If you cannot see the difference between these 2 situations then I have to question your mental competence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are being just as ridiculous as your BIL. He is crazy for expecting people to attend a wedding in Australia with 4 weeks notice. You are crazy for being so inflexible. Yes, dinner with family is important and, yes, it can be difficult to get everyone together at the same time. But there are holidays coming up or you could reschedule for another weekend in the future. You need to compromise.

She doesn’t need to do anything she doesn’t want to. BIL could have picked a more suitable date. The misogyny is strong here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. I'm not sure that a grown woman who plans a birthday party for herself so far out that people have no way to make excuses and have to commit to a lavish party (with a band, no less) months in advance--then when that doesn't work out, then requires family members to commit (again, months in advance) to yet anothe weekend in her honor, is any less narcissistic than the BIL here.

If you cannot see the difference between these 2 situations then I have to question your mental competence.

DP. I see the difference and think a birthday, even a milestone birthday, is less important than a wedding, even a second one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. I'm not sure that a grown woman who plans a birthday party for herself so far out that people have no way to make excuses and have to commit to a lavish party (with a band, no less) months in advance--then when that doesn't work out, then requires family members to commit (again, months in advance) to yet anothe weekend in her honor, is any less narcissistic than the BIL here.

My blowhard BIL started planning and talking about the 50th birthday party he was throwing himself well over a year in advance. He's pretty unbearable the other 99% of the time as well.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Grown adults who make massive deals of their (aging) birthdays are tiresome.

Grown adults who make massive deals of their second weddings are even more ridiculous.

Nope. A wedding is a much more significant affair. How are adult birthdays even significant at all? Talk about having the mindset of a 12 year old.

And if you truly want people to attend your wedding which is a 24 hour travel from where they live, you give them more than 1 months notice. You plan so others can plan. You don't expect people to drop their plans just for you on short notice.

I don't care if it's a bday or anything else, the OP has plans, these plans involve many other people, including people who have purchased plane tickets and arranged time off work to be there for the events. OP planned, and it would be rude to expect her to adjust on a whim

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Exactly, I would not dream that other people would drop everything to come to my wedding. It is not that important - personally I don't give a shit.

I wouldn't dream that anyone would drop everything and come to my wedding either, but if I invited someone and they took the time to tell me they weren't coming to my wedding because they had a dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant, I would certainly feel some kind of way about that.

OP's husband should have just said "so sorry we can't make it, take lots of pictures" and kept it moving. Telling the whole family that none of his family is attending the wedding because she has a birthday party the week before and a fancy dinner reservation the week after is . . . either intentionally rude or simply foolish.

It is NOt a "dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant"! It's "dinner with all of our grown kids in ONe place that we have planned for months to make happen. Most had to fly to get there and arrange their vacation/work schedule to make it happen" dinner to celebrate mom.

OP, how many of the other posts are actually you? I kind of suspected. Take the whole wedding out of the picture--and entire two weekends that simply cannot be changed to celebrate your birthday is the height of self-centeredness and immaturity. Seriously, go volunteer or something.

I'm the PP (not the OP). It doesn't matter if it's bday celebration or not. It's planned events with friends and family, just like the BIL wedding. Except OP actually planned in advance (not 4 weeks out) and isn't expecting others to change/cacnel their plans to attend. When you plan in advance, people get to choose if they want to attend.