Reply to What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

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Reply to "What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress."

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. [b]Finally I met someone better[/b] and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. [b]So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool[/b] and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but [b]yet again my ex’s selfishness rules[/b].[/quote]

MD here. You have a personality disorder.

You stepped out of your marriage, and blamed your wife's criticisms at home for it, so you could start a relationship with a subordinate at work. You casually label her as "better" than your child's mother.

You blame having to introduce your kids to your AP because your wife saw pictures of your child-free European trip.

You assign the entire series of events, including the rocky path forward, to your ex's selfishness.

You're lurking on a parenting board and unironically piping up with your story. You're likely a troll (I always wonder what people like that get out of these made-up posts). If not, you are truly a cautionary tale of a man.

[/quote]

OP here  and thanks for chiming in on this response - it resonates with me because it feels exactly like this narrative is exactly what my dh is spinning in his head despite the fact that I very much accept responsibility for my part in the demise of our marriage. I'm pretty clear about that. I can't control what my STBX thinks or says but I'm pretty certain it's going to read exactly like this post. Note I haven't trashed my ex even here. I think his having an affair is a really lame way to get out of a 30 year relationship. My only true wish is that he could have used his voice to have a hard conversation with me before he used his libido to say "we're in a danger zone." Reading this response made me feel like I was sitting in my living room with dh last week when all the fingers were pointed at me and if I can be honest, I'm rolling my eyes. I can point all those fingers directly at myself and I know that. But for whatever reason, I was given the strength not to start pointing fingers right back at him and freaking out. I've been doing a meditation these last several days, the crux of which is "Do you want peace or do you want to be right?" I want peace and I want to get through this and out of it without turning into that person this responder and my dh so desperately want me to turn into. I'm not here for that.  I am super super grateful for so many of you who have posted great advice, harsh realities etc etc. I choose peace. For myself. The last years have been very, very difficult and at least I have an answer now, that my life is moving forward in a way I didn't expect. But here we are. These attacks really don't sting because they aren't about me.  I know who I am, good and bad.[/quote]

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. FWIW I had to call my son in college (junior) last night to tell him that his dad has decided to divorce me. We've been separated for two months. DH had an affair that I found out about last Christmas, I wanted to work on the relationship but he gave therapy two months before he ended it because he was "tired of being told how awful he was" and of course he had the affair because he was miserable in the marriage. So my fault, basically. We told the kids over the summer and he moved out a week later. Even though I asked him to stay until September, he moved out two weeks before they went back to college so they had to witness him moving out. It was a nightmare. He's furious that I told my son last night, btw. Says that I'm "manipulating" them. But my son said he'd prefer to know. [/quote] I'm so sorry we are living parallel lives right now on so many levels except mine will not do counseling and told our kid immediately that we are divorcing so there was no period of "they're separating, let me process that." My kid is also pretty pragmatic about it and just keeps calling the situation "weird but not unexpected." I hope you know that it is easier to assign the villain role to the spouse when the other one decides to have an affair. It's very cowardly behavior. "You gave me no choice." I feel weirdly ok as I said in the post you replied to. I think I did a hell of a lot of reflection in the months leading up to this - in the back of my mind I obviously knew it was coming and I was bracing for it. How are you feeling??? Were you hoping things could work out? My dh made it clear last week that there is no going back.  For some reason our kid texted both of us an adorable photo of himself on a hike with a funny caption. I "hearted" the photo, dh did not respond at all.  I would not be surprised if he texted dc and said "Don't text both of us again.". WTF with this men-babies??? You can't give your kid a little LOL or Heart when they reach out to both? FFS.[/quote]

Great questions and yes, we are definitely in parallel nightmares. I think your son sounds grounded and secure and that says a lot about your parenting.  You’re handling this really well. As for me, I’m a problem solver and also pragmatic. I wanted our marriage to work because we’ve been together 28 years and I think that alone, in the absence of abuse, makes it worth trying to save. I also want my kids to take relationships and commitment and responsibility seriously, and this changes the way they see those things. And yes, financially divorce hurts the family. It is naive to think otherwise. More than anything, I’m hurt and furious that he didn’t try. He decided to leave and he did, without valuing our family enough to show a meaningful, mature effort. And of course [b]I’m picking up the pieces and filling in the cracks and enabling his continued relationship with the kids because that’s what we do. [/b][/quote]

It’s not what we have to do anymore once we are out. The biggest blessing of divorce is my authentic relationship with my kids/ one where I don’t have to gaslight them on dads behalf anymore to hide the reality of who he is- one where my kids and I communicate honestly without his perpetual victimhood and insane rage making us all tiptoe around trying not to wake the lion.

You can drop it now if you want- OP. You’re going to be free.
Don’t take on the responsibility for his relationships anymore- it’s a gift.
[/quote] OP here - you're actually responding to an OR who is in a similar situation. I won't trash my stbx to our kid but I'm not particularly interested in how he is going to manage their relationship going forward other than financially.[/quote]

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