Reply to My marriage is going to break over the little things

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.[/quote]

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up. [/quote]

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself. [/quote]

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated. [/quote]

What can be simplified, OP? What can be outsourced? What can the kids be involved in? [/quote]

Send out laundry and have everyone put theirs away when it is returned folded. Automate grocery order and get delivered. Hire cleaners. Have an organizer come in quarterly to help create and maintain systems and help purge. Minimize what needs to be done. Train kids to make lunches after dinner and to pack backpacks. [/quote]

Someone still has to manage all of that and it doesn't sound like its going to be the DH.

It sucks OP. And women on this site love to tell us that our DH's sucking is our fault. Its not. [/quote]

I had this conversation with one of my children the other day when she asked why a bad friend dynamic (friend A being mean to friend B and my child being the third friend who was there at the time) was her fault. I said it isn't your fault, but it's your problem. My daughter wasn't being mean to anyone, but she witnessed mean behavior and therefore it became an issue that she needed to address with the friends. (Or she could have walked away, and sometimes that is the right answer). Reframe the way you think about things. If your husband sucks, it's most likely not your fault. But it IS your problem to deal with. They're not the same thing. And I can see how sometimes people do think someone is to blame for the dynamic they have created. If you let someone do X for years and then all of a sudden you want to say they can't do X anymore, you will need to realize that changing things isn't that simple. So sometimes people do bear some responsibility for where they find themselves, but most often it's more just that they have to deal with it not because it's their fault, but because it's their problem. I think some people are so angry about this topic that they can't read anything without reacting dramatically.[/quote]

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