My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

There will be stupid little things in a shared household. The question is, do you need or want to pick a fight about every one? This did not have to be a fight. You made it into one.

+1 - My DH leaves dishes downstairs on the regular when he has a snack while watching late night tv, falls asleep and then forgets to bring them up. He kicks off his socks and puts them under the family room coffee table (twice this week!). It drives me crazy. I have asked him on multiple occasions calmly to not do this. Sometimes he remembers, sometimes he does not.

You know what? Now I just bring them up if I see them and don't say anything. To your point we agree on the big stuff. Living with other people can be annoying but on some things, especially the little ones, you roll with it. I'm sure I have annoying habits that he is too nice to point out.

One of my family members regularly leaves their socks under the coffee table. They're 5. They're learning. I don't know what your DH's excuse is or why he can't clean up behind himself like a normal adult.

Dude, no, you're not allowed to care about socks on the table. It's so uncool.

(Sorry, this thread is just full of the usual DCUM pick me not like other girls who are just so carefree. As you know DCUM tends to be. So free spirited. It's just stuff, man.)

[Anonymous]

Wait, did he put the plate UPSIDE DOWN on the couch? I don't understand why this is a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

NP but you shouldn't have said anything. What was the harm in what he did? Did he leave the plate there overnight? Or are you mad that he wouldn't get up while watching the movie to put the plate in the sink?

[Anonymous]

I gave up a few pages in.

OP - I get it. A lot of PPs are basically saying that you aren't allowed to have feelings about anything and your husband NEVER has to compromise. They are yelling at you to be more diplomatic but really don't bother because you just have to suck everything up.

But I get it. Because I bet you were diplomatic in the past. I'll bet when the relationship was new, you framed things in a nice way as a request and seeking compromise. And you got nowhere. And now you're fed up.

Marriage is about compromise and caring about the other person. If the other person NEVER compromises and NEVER takes your feelings into account, how is that acceptable. When you are on the receiving end of that, you stop feeling like being diplomatic or just shrugging it off for the 10 millionth time and you get annoyed by a stupid plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I gave up a few pages in.

OP - I get it. A lot of PPs are basically saying that you aren't allowed to have feelings about anything and your husband NEVER has to compromise. They are yelling at you to be more diplomatic but really don't bother because you just have to suck everything up.

But I get it. Because I bet you were diplomatic in the past. I'll bet when the relationship was new, you framed things in a nice way as a request and seeking compromise. And you got nowhere. And now you're fed up.

Marriage is about compromise and caring about the other person. If the other person NEVER compromises and NEVER takes your feelings into account, how is that acceptable. When you are on the receiving end of that, you stop feeling like being diplomatic or just shrugging it off for the 10 millionth time and you get annoyed by a stupid plate.

Not buying this at all. People who are even saying OP was 1% right are off. OP raised the issue of workload in a much later post. It does not ring true and seems to be cover for the pounding she is taking. Objectively there is nothing wrong with what her DH did. This is not the hill she dies on. They need a marriage counselor or this will not last. But this example is not what she should run in with. It seems like movie and night together and maybe get frisky. Anyone who would allow a plate to mess that up is off -- that is why the reaction is like it is. And to bring it up the next morning is the type of thing that will make the husband think this thing might be over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

There will be stupid little things in a shared household. The question is, do you need or want to pick a fight about every one? This did not have to be a fight. You made it into one.

+1 - My DH leaves dishes downstairs on the regular when he has a snack while watching late night tv, falls asleep and then forgets to bring them up. He kicks off his socks and puts them under the family room coffee table (twice this week!). It drives me crazy. I have asked him on multiple occasions calmly to not do this. Sometimes he remembers, sometimes he does not.

You know what? Now I just bring them up if I see them and don't say anything. To your point we agree on the big stuff. Living with other people can be annoying but on some things, especially the little ones, you roll with it. I'm sure I have annoying habits that he is too nice to point out.

One of my family members regularly leaves their socks under the coffee table. They're 5. They're learning. I don't know what your DH's excuse is or why he can't clean up behind himself like a normal adult.

+1. I don't think the issue is the dirty dish and whether it should be on the couch. If OP says it bothers her, then the DH should respect her opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

There will be stupid little things in a shared household. The question is, do you need or want to pick a fight about every one? This did not have to be a fight. You made it into one.

+1 - My DH leaves dishes downstairs on the regular when he has a snack while watching late night tv, falls asleep and then forgets to bring them up. He kicks off his socks and puts them under the family room coffee table (twice this week!). It drives me crazy. I have asked him on multiple occasions calmly to not do this. Sometimes he remembers, sometimes he does not.

You know what? Now I just bring them up if I see them and don't say anything. To your point we agree on the big stuff. Living with other people can be annoying but on some things, especially the little ones, you roll with it. I'm sure I have annoying habits that he is too nice to point out.

One of my family members regularly leaves their socks under the coffee table. They're 5. They're learning. I don't know what your DH's excuse is or why he can't clean up behind himself like a normal adult.

+1. I don't think the issue is the dirty dish and whether it should be on the couch. If OP says it bothers her, then the DH should respect her opinion.

And if DH thinks OP flies off the handle for stupid stuff and she should stop, do you expect her to respect his opinion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I haven't read this entire thing, but OP, I identify with your post so much. I really struggle with all the little tiny stupid shit my husband does (and doesn't do). All in, he's a terrific partner and father, even if he (and he readily admits) his challenges (which, sometimes pile up and I end up picking the worst tiny hill to die on).

I give myself tons of pep talks to avoid blowing up - remind myself that I'm not perfect, that he does lots of good things right, etc., and yet I still inevitably end up keeping score.

But I'm obviously reading all the responses too, and I'm sure I would get them too. I don't want to be that mom/wife.

I literally went to the library just now to pick up a book recommended early in the chat - "This is How Your Marriage Ends". I am resolved to fix what I can - how I respond.

Agree.
The little $hit is nonstop and never ending. Socks everywhere, food plates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved left over pasta or pizza plates that flipped over on the couch fabric when something sits near. Good stuff.

You can't worry about that. Then you're not a cool mom. You're just too uptight. Just, like, let the plate flip. Laugh about it. Sing when you're trying to get sauce out of your cushions because you're super laid back.

Coolio!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I gave up a few pages in.

OP - I get it. A lot of PPs are basically saying that you aren't allowed to have feelings about anything and your husband NEVER has to compromise. They are yelling at you to be more diplomatic but really don't bother because you just have to suck everything up.

But I get it. Because I bet you were diplomatic in the past. I'll bet when the relationship was new, you framed things in a nice way as a request and seeking compromise. And you got nowhere. And now you're fed up.

Marriage is about compromise and caring about the other person. If the other person NEVER compromises and NEVER takes your feelings into account, how is that acceptable. When you are on the receiving end of that, you stop feeling like being diplomatic or just shrugging it off for the 10 millionth time and you get annoyed by a stupid plate.

Not buying this at all. People who are even saying OP was 1% right are off. OP raised the issue of workload in a much later post. It does not ring true and seems to be cover for the pounding she is taking. Objectively there is nothing wrong with what her DH did. This is not the hill she dies on. They need a marriage counselor or this will not last. But this example is not what she should run in with. It seems like movie and night together and maybe get frisky. Anyone who would allow a plate to mess that up is off -- that is why the reaction is like it is. And to bring it up the next morning is the type of thing that will make the husband think this thing might be over.

OP clarified the larger issue is workload a whole 27 minutes after her original post. That is hardly much later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

There will be stupid little things in a shared household. The question is, do you need or want to pick a fight about every one? This did not have to be a fight. You made it into one.

+1 - My DH leaves dishes downstairs on the regular when he has a snack while watching late night tv, falls asleep and then forgets to bring them up. He kicks off his socks and puts them under the family room coffee table (twice this week!). It drives me crazy. I have asked him on multiple occasions calmly to not do this. Sometimes he remembers, sometimes he does not.

You know what? Now I just bring them up if I see them and don't say anything. To your point we agree on the big stuff. Living with other people can be annoying but on some things, especially the little ones, you roll with it. I'm sure I have annoying habits that he is too nice to point out.

One of my family members regularly leaves their socks under the coffee table. They're 5. They're learning. I don't know what your DH's excuse is or why he can't clean up behind himself like a normal adult.

Dude, no, you're not allowed to care about socks on the table. It's so uncool.

(Sorry, this thread is just full of the usual DCUM pick me not like other girls who are just so carefree. As you know DCUM tends to be. So free spirited. It's just stuff, man.)

Ha ha. Calling DCUM posters free spirited is like calling a cat a fish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

There will be stupid little things in a shared household. The question is, do you need or want to pick a fight about every one? This did not have to be a fight. You made it into one.

+1 - My DH leaves dishes downstairs on the regular when he has a snack while watching late night tv, falls asleep and then forgets to bring them up. He kicks off his socks and puts them under the family room coffee table (twice this week!). It drives me crazy. I have asked him on multiple occasions calmly to not do this. Sometimes he remembers, sometimes he does not.

You know what? Now I just bring them up if I see them and don't say anything. To your point we agree on the big stuff. Living with other people can be annoying but on some things, especially the little ones, you roll with it. I'm sure I have annoying habits that he is too nice to point out.

One of my family members regularly leaves their socks under the coffee table. They're 5. They're learning. I don't know what your DH's excuse is or why he can't clean up behind himself like a normal adult.

+1. I don't think the issue is the dirty dish and whether it should be on the couch. If OP says it bothers her, then the DH should respect her opinion.

What if it bothers him to take the plate away in the middle of a movie? Should OP respect that? There is no way to defend OP here except for people who are projecting their own issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I gave up a few pages in.

OP - I get it. A lot of PPs are basically saying that you aren't allowed to have feelings about anything and your husband NEVER has to compromise. They are yelling at you to be more diplomatic but really don't bother because you just have to suck everything up.

But I get it. Because I bet you were diplomatic in the past. I'll bet when the relationship was new, you framed things in a nice way as a request and seeking compromise. And you got nowhere. And now you're fed up.

Marriage is about compromise and caring about the other person. If the other person NEVER compromises and NEVER takes your feelings into account, how is that acceptable. When you are on the receiving end of that, you stop feeling like being diplomatic or just shrugging it off for the 10 millionth time and you get annoyed by a stupid plate.

Not buying this at all. People who are even saying OP was 1% right are off. OP raised the issue of workload in a much later post. It does not ring true and seems to be cover for the pounding she is taking. Objectively there is nothing wrong with what her DH did. This is not the hill she dies on. They need a marriage counselor or this will not last. But this example is not what she should run in with. It seems like movie and night together and maybe get frisky. Anyone who would allow a plate to mess that up is off -- that is why the reaction is like it is. And to bring it up the next morning is the type of thing that will make the husband think this thing might be over.

OP clarified the larger issue is workload a whole 27 minutes after her original post. That is hardly much later.

After 20 negative posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

OP I could have written your initial post. The bolded is the underlying issue for me as well. To me it signals a lack of respect. The haters here say its a little thing to leave a dish on the sofa. You acknowledge that yourself. I would say it is so little he can't be bothered to do it himself and instead expects you to do it for him. Also, it isn't the one instance, it is the accumulation of all of the things that are "beneath him," but clearly he expects somebody else to take care of. There is also the aspect of whatever mess he leaves out, you and your kids have to live with, or clean up for him. My own DH recognizes the need to clean up when people come over, but will leave his breakfast dishes out in the morning, a dirty counter from making himself lunch, hair all over the shower and in the sink, bed unmade, pajamas on the floor, knock over a stack of papers on his desk which he leaves on the floor, and walk out the door. When you leave a mess for others you live with, you are expecting them to live in your mess or clean up behind you. That isn't adult behavior. No roommate would tolerate that, so why should a partner be expected to put up with that? Maybe everyone hating on OP lives in a McMansion with a lot more space. The rest of us commoners live in each other's space and can't simply close the door in a few dishes left on a desk in a private office.

But OP's husband didn't say he thought OP should have put the plate away because he doesn't touch dirty dishes. He just left it there while watching a movie. Which is perfectly acceptable. And if it's not acceptable to you, then you do something about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I have been there.

Counseling really helped me. I think what I realized from listening to him in counseling is that I just have to let him be who he is and paddle my own canoe.

That 1000% means I had to adjust my goals for our domestic life. I just did. I can’t make him be the partner/teammate I thought he would be. I can’t! There is only the him who is there, and he is in charge of that person. I still love him. I have a different and perhaps more realistic view.

Part of the problem was that I felt like I would be a doormat or a chump if I stopped pushing for him to pull his weight. But ultimately, our relationship is much better because I fully respect his autonomy. If you do that and you really hate the lazy schmuck who lives in your house, you can still get divorced.

I'm not OP but why do you have to be the one to change? Why does your partner get to have a spouse + a personal assistant/chef/housekeeper (whatever it is he isn't pulling his weight on)? The rest of us would love a partner who took care of the rest of these pesky life details. Or even just an equal partner.

It's not that you should have to change, it's that at the end of the day the only person you can control is yourself. So you can either make peace with who you're married to or fight against it every day. I mean, isn't that better advice than someone telling you you should have chosen better? You can't go back in time, but you can control your future. And if that future involves leaving this person who refuses to be an active participant in their own life, then so be it. I am not at all an advocate for divorce, and I have seen the consequences it can have for kids, but at the same time you only get one life. Your spouse should be an equal partner, and it sucks if they're not. But if that's where you find yourself, where are you going to go from there?