MIL ‘taking back’ Thanksgiving hosting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

OP here. Please tell me how it was disrespectful to anyone to start a conversation saying we wished to do something someday, and then everyone said it would be great to do Thanksgiving next year (meaning this upcoming Thanksgiving). Could you please tell me about how talking to people and saying we had a wish was disrespectful to anyone?

At any rate, thank you all. We just replied to the whole group text where this is discussed saying our plan is to stay in our home this Thanksgiving and host whomever would like to spend the holiday with us. It’s OK if that is no one, we’ll have a nice Thanksgiving here and—if we get no family attendees—invite some friends and neighbors.

Damn. Seems rude. We don’t roll that way in my family.

NP. So in your family, you don’t have discussions and you don’t make decisions together? Got it. Yikes.

Nope. My mother always hosts and it’s wonderful, we all go and enjoy good food, wine etc. Some years I can’t attend, and that’s fine too, but I’d never try to “steal” the hosting from her LOL

Would she ever extend a welcome to join in, if you showed interest?

I don’t understand the question?

I know you expressed no interest in hosting in your thread, but if you gently broached to her that it looked like fun (even if a lot of work) and someday you'd want to try hosting yourself, would she welcome that, or would she shut it down?

I wouldn’t even suggest it. I have no idea how she would respond to the question. Probably mild amusement. In my case, my home is not convenient and I don’t have the space to host my large family. My mother does it best and everyone knows it. Can’t beat the family matriarch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

OP here. Please tell me how it was disrespectful to anyone to start a conversation saying we wished to do something someday, and then everyone said it would be great to do Thanksgiving next year (meaning this upcoming Thanksgiving). Could you please tell me about how talking to people and saying we had a wish was disrespectful to anyone?

At any rate, thank you all. We just replied to the whole group text where this is discussed saying our plan is to stay in our home this Thanksgiving and host whomever would like to spend the holiday with us. It’s OK if that is no one, we’ll have a nice Thanksgiving here and—if we get no family attendees—invite some friends and neighbors.

Damn. Seems rude. We don’t roll that way in my family.

NP. So in your family, you don’t have discussions and you don’t make decisions together? Got it. Yikes.

Nope. My mother always hosts and it’s wonderful, we all go and enjoy good food, wine etc. Some years I can’t attend, and that’s fine too, but I’d never try to “steal” the hosting from her LOL

Would she ever extend a welcome to join in, if you showed interest?

I don’t understand the question?

I know you expressed no interest in hosting in your thread, but if you gently broached to her that it looked like fun (even if a lot of work) and someday you'd want to try hosting yourself, would she welcome that, or would she shut it down?

I wouldn’t even suggest it. I have no idea how she would respond to the question. Probably mild amusement. In my case, my home is not convenient and I don’t have the space to host my large family. My mother does it best and everyone knows it. Can’t beat the family matriarch!

Awww, well, there are a few duds in every litter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

It’s 2023, Boomer. There aren’t “matriarchs” anymore. Just because you cowered in a corner and did what some old lady told you to do for years doesn’t mean that we are going to play that game. Sorry you were banking on having a “turn” at being a dictator, but not gonna happen. Adults of every age and generation are to be treated with respect, and if you can’t handle that, stay home and sulk. You will not be missed.

You've got some Mommy issues.

Not pp but she is right and you with this matriarch crap are the one with mommy issues. Seriously girl. What the hell is "home training"? It sounds like something no woman in 2023 wants to be a part of.

I wasn't the person who made the comment, but "home training" is the training that your family gives you in kindness, manners and social etiquette.

In this case, it means displaying kindness by deferring to an older relative who has only a few holidays left on the planet. If cooking is difficult for her, offer to help with cooking.
OP's MIL has been devoted to her family for decades and will not be with the family for much longer. She is 85 and definitely won't be able to host Thanksgiving in the near future. The kind thing to do is to let the old lady have the holiday because it may be the last one she will ever hold. The sensible thing to do is recognize that starting a family fight over a holiday is unnecessary and stressful.

Instead, you all are doubling down on "You're not the boss of me," like a bunch of defiant 14 year old girls. It's a bad look on a grown woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

It’s 2023, Boomer. There aren’t “matriarchs” anymore. Just because you cowered in a corner and did what some old lady told you to do for years doesn’t mean that we are going to play that game. Sorry you were banking on having a “turn” at being a dictator, but not gonna happen. Adults of every age and generation are to be treated with respect, and if you can’t handle that, stay home and sulk. You will not be missed.

You've got some Mommy issues.

Not pp but she is right and you with this matriarch crap are the one with mommy issues. Seriously girl. What the hell is "home training"? It sounds like something no woman in 2023 wants to be a part of.

I wasn't the person who made the comment, but "home training" is the training that your family gives you in kindness, manners and social etiquette.

In this case, it means displaying kindness by deferring to an older relative who has only a few holidays left on the planet. If cooking is difficult for her, offer to help with cooking.
OP's MIL has been devoted to her family for decades and will not be with the family for much longer. She is 85 and definitely won't be able to host Thanksgiving in the near future. The kind thing to do is to let the old lady have the holiday because it may be the last one she will ever hold. The sensible thing to do is recognize that starting a family fight over a holiday is unnecessary and stressful.

Instead, you all are doubling down on "You're not the boss of me," like a bunch of defiant 14 year old girls. It's a bad look on a grown woman.

Aging is only one kind of ending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

OP here. Please tell me how it was disrespectful to anyone to start a conversation saying we wished to do something someday, and then everyone said it would be great to do Thanksgiving next year (meaning this upcoming Thanksgiving). Could you please tell me about how talking to people and saying we had a wish was disrespectful to anyone?

At any rate, thank you all. We just replied to the whole group text where this is discussed saying our plan is to stay in our home this Thanksgiving and host whomever would like to spend the holiday with us. It’s OK if that is no one, we’ll have a nice Thanksgiving here and—if we get no family attendees—invite some friends and neighbors.

Damn. Seems rude. We don’t roll that way in my family.

NP. So in your family, you don’t have discussions and you don’t make decisions together? Got it. Yikes.

Nope. My mother always hosts and it’s wonderful, we all go and enjoy good food, wine etc. Some years I can’t attend, and that’s fine too, but I’d never try to “steal” the hosting from her LOL

Would she ever extend a welcome to join in, if you showed interest?

I don’t understand the question?

I know you expressed no interest in hosting in your thread, but if you gently broached to her that it looked like fun (even if a lot of work) and someday you'd want to try hosting yourself, would she welcome that, or would she shut it down?

I wouldn’t even suggest it. I have no idea how she would respond to the question. Probably mild amusement. In my case, my home is not convenient and I don’t have the space to host my large family. My mother does it best and everyone knows it. Can’t beat the family matriarch!

Awww, well, there are a few duds in every litter.

Explain to me then why you’d want to host? Cooking a huge multi-course meal is a pain in the ass. If you have a mother who is an outstanding cook, who has been entertaining for decades, who has a lovely home with ambience, great wine, good vibes, extra guests rooms, family of all ages, great conversation, you are saying you would abandon that lovely holiday JUST so you could “host?”

Sounds like someone else is a selfish insecure dud, and it’s not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

It’s 2023, Boomer. There aren’t “matriarchs” anymore. Just because you cowered in a corner and did what some old lady told you to do for years doesn’t mean that we are going to play that game. Sorry you were banking on having a “turn” at being a dictator, but not gonna happen. Adults of every age and generation are to be treated with respect, and if you can’t handle that, stay home and sulk. You will not be missed.

You've got some Mommy issues.

Not pp but she is right and you with this matriarch crap are the one with mommy issues. Seriously girl. What the hell is "home training"? It sounds like something no woman in 2023 wants to be a part of.

I wasn't the person who made the comment, but "home training" is the training that your family gives you in kindness, manners and social etiquette.

In this case, it means displaying kindness by deferring to an older relative who has only a few holidays left on the planet. If cooking is difficult for her, offer to help with cooking.
OP's MIL has been devoted to her family for decades and will not be with the family for much longer. She is 85 and definitely won't be able to host Thanksgiving in the near future. The kind thing to do is to let the old lady have the holiday because it may be the last one she will ever hold. The sensible thing to do is recognize that starting a family fight over a holiday is unnecessary and stressful.

Instead, you all are doubling down on "You're not the boss of me," like a bunch of defiant 14 year old girls. It's a bad look on a grown woman.

NP. I’m sorry, you know how old MIL is, how? If MIL had DH when she was 25, and OP/DH are 25-30, MIL is 50-55. I think a lot of readers here would be insulted if they heard you say that they should get to do whatever they want for holidays because—at the ripe old age of 50, 55, 60, or 65, they “only have a few holidays left on the planet.”

I knew when I was 14 never to let anyone pull the “my way because I’m going to die someday” crap. My grandmother used to do that to my parents and my aunt and uncle when she was in her late 60s/early 70s, and that old bird lived to be 93. That’s more than 20 years of holding the spectre of her death over their heads. No way that’s happening to me, or to any smart woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

OP here. Please tell me how it was disrespectful to anyone to start a conversation saying we wished to do something someday, and then everyone said it would be great to do Thanksgiving next year (meaning this upcoming Thanksgiving). Could you please tell me about how talking to people and saying we had a wish was disrespectful to anyone?

At any rate, thank you all. We just replied to the whole group text where this is discussed saying our plan is to stay in our home this Thanksgiving and host whomever would like to spend the holiday with us. It’s OK if that is no one, we’ll have a nice Thanksgiving here and—if we get no family attendees—invite some friends and neighbors.

Damn. Seems rude. We don’t roll that way in my family.

NP. So in your family, you don’t have discussions and you don’t make decisions together? Got it. Yikes.

Nope. My mother always hosts and it’s wonderful, we all go and enjoy good food, wine etc. Some years I can’t attend, and that’s fine too, but I’d never try to “steal” the hosting from her LOL

Would she ever extend a welcome to join in, if you showed interest?

I don’t understand the question?

I know you expressed no interest in hosting in your thread, but if you gently broached to her that it looked like fun (even if a lot of work) and someday you'd want to try hosting yourself, would she welcome that, or would she shut it down?

I wouldn’t even suggest it. I have no idea how she would respond to the question. Probably mild amusement. In my case, my home is not convenient and I don’t have the space to host my large family. My mother does it best and everyone knows it. Can’t beat the family matriarch!

Awww, well, there are a few duds in every litter.

Explain to me then why you’d want to host? Cooking a huge multi-course meal is a pain in the ass. If you have a mother who is an outstanding cook, who has been entertaining for decades, who has a lovely home with ambience, great wine, good vibes, extra guests rooms, family of all ages, great conversation, you are saying you would abandon that lovely holiday JUST so you could “host?”

Sounds like someone else is a selfish insecure dud, and it’s not me.

NP. Are you so out of touch that you don’t realize cooking and entertaining are, for many people, hobbies and things they love to do? Do you not realize that cookbooks, cooking shows, food and entertaining social media accounts, cooking classes and homewares are multi-billion dollar industries? Do you get that Martha Stewart became an empire because tons of people of all ages want to create lovely homes and apartments, throw special holidays, and cook delicious food?

I get why people who don’t love to cook or can’t cook well think that holiday hosting is a PITA. But for many of us, we love it. And frankly, some of us are ready to trade in Depression-era holiday meals featuring canned soups and canned cranberry sauce for something a bit more fresh and lively.

In my family, we do a rotation. I enjoy the different ways that people in my family and in DH’s family host. The variety makes me willing to put up with DH’s aunt’s reliance on frozen vegetables and “can you believe this is from Costco” hosting. Everyone gets a turn, and I fully enjoy myself at everyone’s home, because of the variety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

It’s 2023, Boomer. There aren’t “matriarchs” anymore. Just because you cowered in a corner and did what some old lady told you to do for years doesn’t mean that we are going to play that game. Sorry you were banking on having a “turn” at being a dictator, but not gonna happen. Adults of every age and generation are to be treated with respect, and if you can’t handle that, stay home and sulk. You will not be missed.

You've got some Mommy issues.

Not pp but she is right and you with this matriarch crap are the one with mommy issues. Seriously girl. What the hell is "home training"? It sounds like something no woman in 2023 wants to be a part of.

I wasn't the person who made the comment, but "home training" is the training that your family gives you in kindness, manners and social etiquette.

In this case, it means displaying kindness by deferring to an older relative who has only a few holidays left on the planet. If cooking is difficult for her, offer to help with cooking.
OP's MIL has been devoted to her family for decades and will not be with the family for much longer. She is 85 and definitely won't be able to host Thanksgiving in the near future. The kind thing to do is to let the old lady have the holiday because it may be the last one she will ever hold. The sensible thing to do is recognize that starting a family fight over a holiday is unnecessary and stressful.

Instead, you all are doubling down on "You're not the boss of me," like a bunch of defiant 14 year old girls. It's a bad look on a grown woman.

NP. I’m sorry, you know how old MIL is, how? If MIL had DH when she was 25, and OP/DH are 25-30, MIL is 50-55. I think a lot of readers here would be insulted if they heard you say that they should get to do whatever they want for holidays because—at the ripe old age of 50, 55, 60, or 65, they “only have a few holidays left on the planet.”

I knew when I was 14 never to let anyone pull the “my way because I’m going to die someday” crap. My grandmother used to do that to my parents and my aunt and uncle when she was in her late 60s/early 70s, and that old bird lived to be 93. That’s more than 20 years of holding the spectre of her death over their heads. No way that’s happening to me, or to any smart woman.

Another bitter woman on DCUM. Hardly a Man Bites Dog story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

It’s 2023, Boomer. There aren’t “matriarchs” anymore. Just because you cowered in a corner and did what some old lady told you to do for years doesn’t mean that we are going to play that game. Sorry you were banking on having a “turn” at being a dictator, but not gonna happen. Adults of every age and generation are to be treated with respect, and if you can’t handle that, stay home and sulk. You will not be missed.

You've got some Mommy issues.

Not pp but she is right and you with this matriarch crap are the one with mommy issues. Seriously girl. What the hell is "home training"? It sounds like something no woman in 2023 wants to be a part of.

I wasn't the person who made the comment, but "home training" is the training that your family gives you in kindness, manners and social etiquette.

In this case, it means displaying kindness by deferring to an older relative who has only a few holidays left on the planet. If cooking is difficult for her, offer to help with cooking.
OP's MIL has been devoted to her family for decades and will not be with the family for much longer. She is 85 and definitely won't be able to host Thanksgiving in the near future. The kind thing to do is to let the old lady have the holiday because it may be the last one she will ever hold. The sensible thing to do is recognize that starting a family fight over a holiday is unnecessary and stressful.

Instead, you all are doubling down on "You're not the boss of me," like a bunch of defiant 14 year old girls. It's a bad look on a grown woman.

NP. I’m sorry, you know how old MIL is, how? If MIL had DH when she was 25, and OP/DH are 25-30, MIL is 50-55. I think a lot of readers here would be insulted if they heard you say that they should get to do whatever they want for holidays because—at the ripe old age of 50, 55, 60, or 65, they “only have a few holidays left on the planet.”

I knew when I was 14 never to let anyone pull the “my way because I’m going to die someday” crap. My grandmother used to do that to my parents and my aunt and uncle when she was in her late 60s/early 70s, and that old bird lived to be 93. That’s more than 20 years of holding the spectre of her death over their heads. No way that’s happening to me, or to any smart woman.

Another bitter woman on DCUM. Hardly a Man Bites Dog story.

I know guilt and manipulation are the only cards you have to play, so get as much use out of them as you can. Beats being lonely, I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

OP here. Please tell me how it was disrespectful to anyone to start a conversation saying we wished to do something someday, and then everyone said it would be great to do Thanksgiving next year (meaning this upcoming Thanksgiving). Could you please tell me about how talking to people and saying we had a wish was disrespectful to anyone?

At any rate, thank you all. We just replied to the whole group text where this is discussed saying our plan is to stay in our home this Thanksgiving and host whomever would like to spend the holiday with us. It’s OK if that is no one, we’ll have a nice Thanksgiving here and—if we get no family attendees—invite some friends and neighbors.

Damn. Seems rude. We don’t roll that way in my family.

NP. So in your family, you don’t have discussions and you don’t make decisions together? Got it. Yikes.

Nope. My mother always hosts and it’s wonderful, we all go and enjoy good food, wine etc. Some years I can’t attend, and that’s fine too, but I’d never try to “steal” the hosting from her LOL

Would she ever extend a welcome to join in, if you showed interest?

I don’t understand the question?

I know you expressed no interest in hosting in your thread, but if you gently broached to her that it looked like fun (even if a lot of work) and someday you'd want to try hosting yourself, would she welcome that, or would she shut it down?

I wouldn’t even suggest it. I have no idea how she would respond to the question. Probably mild amusement. In my case, my home is not convenient and I don’t have the space to host my large family. My mother does it best and everyone knows it. Can’t beat the family matriarch!

Awww, well, there are a few duds in every litter.

Explain to me then why you’d want to host? Cooking a huge multi-course meal is a pain in the ass. If you have a mother who is an outstanding cook, who has been entertaining for decades, who has a lovely home with ambience, great wine, good vibes, extra guests rooms, family of all ages, great conversation, you are saying you would abandon that lovely holiday JUST so you could “host?”

Sounds like someone else is a selfish insecure dud, and it’s not me.

NP. Are you so out of touch that you don’t realize cooking and entertaining are, for many people, hobbies and things they love to do? Do you not realize that cookbooks, cooking shows, food and entertaining social media accounts, cooking classes and homewares are multi-billion dollar industries? Do you get that Martha Stewart became an empire because tons of people of all ages want to create lovely homes and apartments, throw special holidays, and cook delicious food?

I get why people who don’t love to cook or can’t cook well think that holiday hosting is a PITA. But for many of us, we love it. And frankly, some of us are ready to trade in Depression-era holiday meals featuring canned soups and canned cranberry sauce for something a bit more fresh and lively.

In my family, we do a rotation. I enjoy the different ways that people in my family and in DH’s family host. The variety makes me willing to put up with DH’s aunt’s reliance on frozen vegetables and “can you believe this is from Costco” hosting. Everyone gets a turn, and I fully enjoy myself at everyone’s home, because of the variety.

I’ve never had depression-era holidays meals, but if that’s what you all are dealing with then, good lord, I don’t blame you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

OP here. Please tell me how it was disrespectful to anyone to start a conversation saying we wished to do something someday, and then everyone said it would be great to do Thanksgiving next year (meaning this upcoming Thanksgiving). Could you please tell me about how talking to people and saying we had a wish was disrespectful to anyone?

At any rate, thank you all. We just replied to the whole group text where this is discussed saying our plan is to stay in our home this Thanksgiving and host whomever would like to spend the holiday with us. It’s OK if that is no one, we’ll have a nice Thanksgiving here and—if we get no family attendees—invite some friends and neighbors.

Damn. Seems rude. We don’t roll that way in my family.

NP. So in your family, you don’t have discussions and you don’t make decisions together? Got it. Yikes.

Nope. My mother always hosts and it’s wonderful, we all go and enjoy good food, wine etc. Some years I can’t attend, and that’s fine too, but I’d never try to “steal” the hosting from her LOL

Would she ever extend a welcome to join in, if you showed interest?

I don’t understand the question?

I know you expressed no interest in hosting in your thread, but if you gently broached to her that it looked like fun (even if a lot of work) and someday you'd want to try hosting yourself, would she welcome that, or would she shut it down?

I wouldn’t even suggest it. I have no idea how she would respond to the question. Probably mild amusement. In my case, my home is not convenient and I don’t have the space to host my large family. My mother does it best and everyone knows it. Can’t beat the family matriarch!

Awww, well, there are a few duds in every litter.

Explain to me then why you’d want to host? Cooking a huge multi-course meal is a pain in the ass. If you have a mother who is an outstanding cook, who has been entertaining for decades, who has a lovely home with ambience, great wine, good vibes, extra guests rooms, family of all ages, great conversation, you are saying you would abandon that lovely holiday JUST so you could “host?”

Sounds like someone else is a selfish insecure dud, and it’s not me.

You’re not allowed to ask this, or to try to understand motivation in this thread. Someone will tell you that’s an off-topic question and you must start your own thread :lol:

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

Gross. What era of human is still using the phrase matriarch?

Also, no one of any age is owed the automatic right to host a holiday every year.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

It’s 2023, Boomer. There aren’t “matriarchs” anymore. Just because you cowered in a corner and did what some old lady told you to do for years doesn’t mean that we are going to play that game. Sorry you were banking on having a “turn” at being a dictator, but not gonna happen. Adults of every age and generation are to be treated with respect, and if you can’t handle that, stay home and sulk. You will not be missed.

You've got some Mommy issues.

Not pp but she is right and you with this matriarch crap are the one with mommy issues. Seriously girl. What the hell is "home training"? It sounds like something no woman in 2023 wants to be a part of.

I wasn't the person who made the comment, but "home training" is the training that your family gives you in kindness, manners and social etiquette.

In this case, it means displaying kindness by deferring to an older relative who has only a few holidays left on the planet. If cooking is difficult for her, offer to help with cooking.
OP's MIL has been devoted to her family for decades and will not be with the family for much longer. She is 85 and definitely won't be able to host Thanksgiving in the near future. The kind thing to do is to let the old lady have the holiday because it may be the last one she will ever hold. The sensible thing to do is recognize that starting a family fight over a holiday is unnecessary and stressful.

Instead, you all are doubling down on "You're not the boss of me," like a bunch of defiant 14 year old girls. It's a bad look on a grown woman.

NP. I’m sorry, you know how old MIL is, how? If MIL had DH when she was 25, and OP/DH are 25-30, MIL is 50-55. I think a lot of readers here would be insulted if they heard you say that they should get to do whatever they want for holidays because—at the ripe old age of 50, 55, 60, or 65, they “only have a few holidays left on the planet.”

I knew when I was 14 never to let anyone pull the “my way because I’m going to die someday” crap. My grandmother used to do that to my parents and my aunt and uncle when she was in her late 60s/early 70s, and that old bird lived to be 93. That’s more than 20 years of holding the spectre of her death over their heads. No way that’s happening to me, or to any smart woman.

Okay, so it's grandma issues, not mommy issues. Isn't it time to go to therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

It’s 2023, Boomer. There aren’t “matriarchs” anymore. Just because you cowered in a corner and did what some old lady told you to do for years doesn’t mean that we are going to play that game. Sorry you were banking on having a “turn” at being a dictator, but not gonna happen. Adults of every age and generation are to be treated with respect, and if you can’t handle that, stay home and sulk. You will not be missed.

You've got some Mommy issues.

Not pp but she is right and you with this matriarch crap are the one with mommy issues. Seriously girl. What the hell is "home training"? It sounds like something no woman in 2023 wants to be a part of.

I wasn't the person who made the comment, but "home training" is the training that your family gives you in kindness, manners and social etiquette.

In this case, it means displaying kindness by deferring to an older relative who has only a few holidays left on the planet. If cooking is difficult for her, offer to help with cooking.
OP's MIL has been devoted to her family for decades and will not be with the family for much longer. She is 85 and definitely won't be able to host Thanksgiving in the near future. The kind thing to do is to let the old lady have the holiday because it may be the last one she will ever hold. The sensible thing to do is recognize that starting a family fight over a holiday is unnecessary and stressful.

Instead, you all are doubling down on "You're not the boss of me," like a bunch of defiant 14 year old girls. It's a bad look on a grown woman.

NP. I’m sorry, you know how old MIL is, how? If MIL had DH when she was 25, and OP/DH are 25-30, MIL is 50-55. I think a lot of readers here would be insulted if they heard you say that they should get to do whatever they want for holidays because—at the ripe old age of 50, 55, 60, or 65, they “only have a few holidays left on the planet.”

I knew when I was 14 never to let anyone pull the “my way because I’m going to die someday” crap. My grandmother used to do that to my parents and my aunt and uncle when she was in her late 60s/early 70s, and that old bird lived to be 93. That’s more than 20 years of holding the spectre of her death over their heads. No way that’s happening to me, or to any smart woman.

Okay, so it's grandma issues, not mommy issues. Isn't it time to go to therapy?

It’s pretty healthy to witness a healthy dynamic and not fall prey to it. Good luck having your life ruled over by your mom/MIL or whomever you kowtow to as your “matriarch.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

Gross. What era of human is still using the phrase matriarch?

Also, no one of any age is owed the automatic right to host a holiday every year.

Do you live in that much of a bubble?? The grandmother of a large family is important pretty much across all cultures. It you’re thinking of it as a negative word, then I feel sorry for you because you don’t know the pleasure of being from a family that respects, enjoys and cherishes the grandmother.