For those of you whose parents divorced when you were 20+, if one of your parents started a second

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

The kids were not allowed to have a relationship with their Dad long before I came into the picture. Good try. His ex is a nightmare, to put it nicely. Kids can inherit from her and her AP.

Ok you finally outed yourself as a truly wicked stepmother. His kids become Cinderella while your kids go to the ball. I hope you die first and your kids fail out of school.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these 2nd wives have no idea that if they die 1st their money will go to the adult children from his 1st marriage and only a portion will go to their own child.

Why would you assume that?

so you are cool with your retirement going to his kids if you die early due to cancer. All that money goes to your H, then passes to all his heirs.

That is what you want for your child? To share the money you earned your whole life to go to kids from his 1st marriage?

With retirement accounts, you set who they will go to. So, if your husband decides they go to the first kids, that's his choice. Ours are set up where they go to the spouse, then our kids if both of us die. Simple. If there are minor kids, the money should be used to care for all minor kids first.

If you die your retirement goes to your husband.

So you cut his kids out of the inheritance of his money?

This would be justice.

Yes, all my money goes to my husband first.

Why are they entitled to money? You sound greedy. If he chooses to leave them money that's his choice. But, they aren't entitled to anything, nor our our kids however our kids are entitled to be supported till they are adults. His kids are adults. They choose the relationships with him and we will base what they get off the relationship after our kids needs have been met. Shouldn't our kids get the same as his kids got?

Well that’s the question. Should the kids get an even split or should he just unilaterally decide after you die.

Should you set up the money to protect your children should you die 1st or do you just trust he won’t give it all to his 1st kids. Or better yet , you die he marries, kicks your kids out at 18 because they are “adults” and spend your money on her rugrats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, why not be happy for them. How is it affecting you?

It affects you because you are very rarely still treated as your parent's child. They are focused on a toddler and you're "all grown up". Men are not good with this.

No quotations needed around “all grown up.”

Confirmation women who marry crusty old men have daddy issues. Sorry your dad didn’t love you enough but do try to heal yourself and stop inflicting your issues on your husband’s kids. Even if they are your age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does 92 year-old Rupert Murdoch hang out and parent his kids with Wendi Deng? Those girls are now in college.

What a twisted scenario.

They got to live the good life so I don’t think she cared at all. Elite NYC private schools and then onto Yale & Stanford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Older men who run out and start a second family are utter morons. We have a few friends who are the 2nd wife/mother and the level of delusion is unreal. Strained relations with the older kids, etc. I’d say in nearly all the cases the husbands are wealthy executives. The worst are guy where the kids are in college or beyond, then start over again with new babies. Wtf!

Those friends are now starting to go thru the divorce process. The first one just popped up out of nowhere, but I suspect we will see more.

I have two young kids now. I can’t even begin to imagine starting another family in my 50s, even with tons of money. I’m already tired and stretched for time now. I can’t even imagine being a 60 year old dad at Little League. WTF.

-Married dad in his 40s

You realize sometimes the wives cheat and leave for their ap so the dads have no say. Nothing wrong with more kids.

Yes, there is a lot wrong with having more kids. And men certainly have a say in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Older men who run out and start a second family are utter morons. We have a few friends who are the 2nd wife/mother and the level of delusion is unreal. Strained relations with the older kids, etc. I’d say in nearly all the cases the husbands are wealthy executives. The worst are guy where the kids are in college or beyond, then start over again with new babies. Wtf!

Those friends are now starting to go thru the divorce process. The first one just popped up out of nowhere, but I suspect we will see more.

I have two young kids now. I can’t even begin to imagine starting another family in my 50s, even with tons of money. I’m already tired and stretched for time now. I can’t even imagine being a 60 year old dad at Little League. WTF.

-Married dad in his 40s

You realize sometimes the wives cheat and leave for their ap so the dads have no say. Nothing wrong with more kids.

Yes, there is a lot wrong with having more kids. And men certainly have a say in that.

Exactly, if the mom is so horrible, get custody and raise your kids and have a full healthy relationship.

These 2nd wives that hate the 1st wife and punish the children are exactly what is wrong with this world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty clear that the second wife always feels threatened by the idea that she's replaceable and their kids mean nothing to him (as evidenced by the guys past).

I say this as someone whose witnessed military men literally just dump their kids and go to wife #2 for more kids. They are total POS and the wives that encourage them to never see their other kids are also, again, just burying their heads in the sand as though it won't happen to them too. Once a scumbag, always a scumbag.

Does it make a difference if the kids are adults?

Why do you think it is unimportant for adults to have full relationships with their parents. Why is that not normal in your world?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This makes me wonder, is it possible to legally negotiate inheritance for one's kids during the divorce process? Could save them some of this down the road if so.

Yes it is. I tried but DH refused to agree.

That's why you set these things up while you are still married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's super weird. That said, your Dad is old. His wife will be doing everything. I'd probably have a frank conversation about the estate but I would also assume that by the time he dies, she'll convince him to give her everything so whats the point? As far as the kids - if we were geographically close I'd have interactions with them. They are innocent in the mess of people being selfish and stupid.

This. She's going to get it all, so don't bother asking about the estate. It's gone. That's what the first marriage kids get (in addition to their parents' unhappy marriage and divorce and remarriage and losing a lot of the time they could have had with their father-- fun times). The second marriage kids get an intact family if they're lucky, an awkwardly old father who dies when they're still young, and the rest of the money if there is any. But in a lot of these situations the dad can't really afford more kids, he agrees to it because he knows Wife 2 (or is it 3) will leave him if he doesn't.

It isn't the kids' fault, and they'll likely be losing their father pretty young, so I'd keep the door open to a relationship with them if you can stand to be around their mother.

Very reasonable take. OP should just try to enjoy having a baby half sister so much younger!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.

Nobody wants to be "one big happy family". They want their dad to come on golf trips with them, visit and get to know his grandchildren, go to Europe and drink lots of wine, do Thanksgiving with out your drama of appearing as one big happy family... can he visit them on Thanksgiving without you? is he allowed?

But he can't because you won't let him because he has to be home to help with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

The kids were not allowed to have a relationship with their Dad long before I came into the picture. Good try. His ex is a nightmare, to put it nicely. Kids can inherit from her and her AP.

Ok you finally outed yourself as a truly wicked stepmother. His kids become Cinderella while your kids go to the ball. I hope you die first and your kids fail out of school.

Wow, no wonder you are divorced and your expo is happily married. I hope I die first too as I don’t want to live without my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's super weird. That said, your Dad is old. His wife will be doing everything. I'd probably have a frank conversation about the estate but I would also assume that by the time he dies, she'll convince him to give her everything so whats the point? As far as the kids - if we were geographically close I'd have interactions with them. They are innocent in the mess of people being selfish and stupid.

This. She's going to get it all, so don't bother asking about the estate. It's gone. That's what the first marriage kids get (in addition to their parents' unhappy marriage and divorce and remarriage and losing a lot of the time they could have had with their father-- fun times). The second marriage kids get an intact family if they're lucky, an awkwardly old father who dies when they're still young, and the rest of the money if there is any. But in a lot of these situations the dad can't really afford more kids, he agrees to it because he knows Wife 2 (or is it 3) will leave him if he doesn't.

It isn't the kids' fault, and they'll likely be losing their father pretty young, so I'd keep the door open to a relationship with them if you can stand to be around their mother.

Very reasonable take. OP should just try to enjoy having a baby half sister so much younger!

It's almost impossible to have a real sibling relationship with someone you see on holidays. It's a nice idea but in practice it doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not sure how to approach it. I just don’t know what kind relationship I should have or how I should behave around the child in the coming years. I feel awkward around my dad when I see him, like he’s a stranger! I don’t want that to be the case, how can I mend that?

I'm not reading the whole thread, but I think your feelings are really normal! Be prepared to feel jealous too. It is okay! It will feel more "normal" over time. Just worry about the here and now. I would not hesitate to put in a few therapy sessions if you don't have a trusted friend you can bounce your feelings off of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.

Nobody wants to be "one big happy family". They want their dad to come on golf trips with them, visit and get to know his grandchildren, go to Europe and drink lots of wine, do Thanksgiving with out your drama of appearing as one big happy family... can he visit them on Thanksgiving without you? is he allowed?

But he can't because you won't let him because he has to be home to help with your kids.

How do you know that? Maybe she isn’t the problem but mom is. Often moms are jealous and sabotage the relationships. No, dad should not leave his wife for thanksgiving. That is bizzare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty clear that the second wife always feels threatened by the idea that she's replaceable and their kids mean nothing to him (as evidenced by the guys past).

I say this as someone whose witnessed military men literally just dump their kids and go to wife #2 for more kids. They are total POS and the wives that encourage them to never see their other kids are also, again, just burying their heads in the sand as though it won't happen to them too. Once a scumbag, always a scumbag.

Does it make a difference if the kids are adults?

Why do you think it is unimportant for adults to have full relationships with their parents. Why is that not normal in your world?

When they are adults they choose the relationship. If they don’t choose to have a relationship, why should they be entitled to money.