If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:H and I have struggled with the division of domestic work for a LONG time. We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried Fair Play, we’ve tried charts and boards and to-do lists, none of it helps. He just does not care and won’t do it.

He was asked to interview for a position in his company that, according to him, is a 6 month trial with no pay raise, but it puts him in front of people like the CEO, and gives him management experience. It is VERY demanding, will have zero flexibility on scheduling, and will require travel. In his words, it could either make or break his career - if he does well, it could lead to a permanent position with a very significant pay raise, or if he does poorly, he will basically be stuck in his current role permanently.

I was blunt and told him that his time management sucks, he is lazy, and I can’t support him taking this job because it will mean I have even more responsibility at home. I said if he could step it up and prove he’s capable, then I can support him, but right now he sleeps in every day, takes naps in the afternoon/evening while I’m caring for the kids, and stays up playing on his phone most of the night. He got angry and said THIS job is what will finally help him get his sh!t together.

I thought maybe he would try to prove himself, but no. I came down this morning, he did not complete any of his Fair Play cards (dishes, tidying, feeding the pets, putting his work stuff away). I know for a fact he was playing on his phone. I pointed out to him that when he has his dirty containers from lunch sitting on the counter for days, we are out of toilet paper and toothpaste because he doesn’t complete his assigned task of tracking and restocking, when I can’t make the kids breakfast because the kitchen is a disaster - it does not suggest to me that he is capable of handling this job, and that if he were serious, he should have stepped it up THAT night rather than playing on his phone and sleeping in.

He blew up and me and started screaming about how horrible his life is because he has to deal with a nag, I should be grateful for what he does do, and he’s not going to take the job anyway. He then ripped up a love note I had left on the wall thanking him for making dinner (he has made it exactly twice in the last month, and I was trying to positively reinforce it) and told me to never thank him for anything again.

Am I the jerk here? Because I cannot take on anymore. If this job came with a pay raise and we could outsource, I would be supportive, but right now we can’t afford that.

"Fair Play" cards? He sounds worse than my teen son with ADHD. You are married to a big baby, not a man and I would consider options. Jeezus, my DH is a VP at a large company and he does chores, makes meals a few days a week, helps with cleaning, and is a partner in our parenting, household and marriage- not because he's a great guy but because he's an adult.

OP just read through some of the thread...borderline personality disorder. Find an attorney- this guy will ruin your life. Trust me on this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update.

YOU GUYS. I dug up his financial stuff (we’ve always kept it separate on his insistence) and he makes TWICE what I thought he did.

WHERE IS ALL HIS MONEY GOING???

I’m floored. I thought this was just a case of mismanagement but now it’s clear he spending his money on something or someone, and it’s not his family.

If he’s like 90% of men, it’s going to retirement accounts and college savings for your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's absolutely possible to find a husband who doesn't dump all the work on you. My brother has been a SAHD and is the primary caretaker for his kids (his wife's job requires a lot of travel, he works remotely part time). My husband and I share childcare equally. When I drop my kid off at preschool half of those doing dropoff and pickup are Dads.

Yeah, it's possible. But there are still norms and averages. Most women get shafted, taking on more than the man. Getting back to OP, though, she is in a situation where its not just inequitable, it's *entirely* on her. Its a rare circumstance where divorce may be the rational solution. He seems to be functionally not really a husband already so formalizing it and moving on seems sensible.

The way to stop the norms is to fight them. Dump lazy man babies. Make it spcialy unacceptable. Millennial Dads spend three times as much time with their kids on average than their fathers did. Keep the trend going.

It's not really practical to divorce a man bc he cleans only 70% as much as hou. It makes more sense to just slowly turn up the dial. Women now have a better deal than before. But dont kid yourself, this is a widespread and persistant problem and probably wont be solved by blowing up most families. [/quote


Yes. I took on 90% of the housework and childcare while I encouraged my DH to keep working towards a goal. I was stressed out with my own job and knew I didn’t really want to move up. When DH achieved the goal, I flat out quit. Now I’m a SAHM and take on the same 90% while he now has to handle the 100% financial side.

I did the opposite.

Once kids were back in school, I said F you, massively upgraded jobs in another state, moved with the kids, set up the whole new house/schools/sports/church myself, he flies in a few times a month. We have an au pair, grandparents fly in if I have long travel.

It’s better for everyone. Even extended fmaily knew it’d be better sicne they saw his laziness, slobbishness, and selfish work addict nature. And I can structure a 2-3 day weekend for him and us or the kids ‘ores easily than every night or every day or weekend.

I had to be very outgoing for the kids to make new friends and find the right activities and levels. Now on year 3 and all middle school and we are very happy. Spouse never cared, yet thinks he does care and so so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this guy isn’t being asked to interview for a fake promotion, he’s being put on a PIP

Ooo. Could be. And he’s lying that it’s a probation period for new better job… then will lose any job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He was asked to interview for a position in his company that, according to him, is a 6 month trial with no pay raise, but it puts him in front of people like the CEO, and gives him management experience. It is VERY demanding, will have zero flexibility on scheduling, and will require travel. In his words, it could either make or break his career - if he does well, it could lead to a permanent position with a very significant pay raise, or if he does poorly, he will basically be stuck in his current role permanently.

I was blunt and told him that his time management sucks, he is lazy

There is a very obvious contradiction here. He would not even be considered for such a position if his time management sucks and he is lazy.

This just sounds like the standard DW whine that DH is not doing everything she wants exactly as she wants it done and (stamps foot) this means he is a good-for-nothing man-baby. Whatever. Go ahead and blow up your family because there are some dirty dishes on the counter.

lol! men perform at work because they *want to* and *have to.* They slack at home because they know there’s nothing their wives can do about it and don’t realize it will lead to divorce. And a lot of these men (because they are men) engage in bad behavior at work but it doesn’t hurt them there because the workplace expects that at men. In the workplace women who are ambitious are dinged for not being “team players” while men get promoted for it. Women in the workplace disproportionately do work that is not rewarded (set agendas, take notes, organize, follow up).

He easily could be a big bully and dysfunctional at work. But the heirarchy supports it and the jr and and mid staff have to do his executive functioning. He prob knows nothing. about their personal lives or anything, just talks client stuff and makes everyone backfill his big lousy ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update.

YOU GUYS. I dug up his financial stuff (we’ve always kept it separate on his insistence) and he makes TWICE what I thought he did.

WHERE IS ALL HIS MONEY GOING???

I’m floored. I thought this was just a case of mismanagement but now it’s clear he spending his money on something or someone, and it’s not his family.

-day trading
-affair
-app-based treats that are not tangible

I sort of love this development. Its great for you! Twice the child support and a documented, ongoing instance of financial deception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this guy isn’t being asked to interview for a fake promotion, he’s being put on a PIP

I had the same thought. Even OP was wondering if this was a way to get him off his current team.

OP, disengage from any thoughts about him and get your ducks in a row re: divorce. Set up a life that you can afford on one salary bc this guy is unreliable in every sense. It will be great if you get some free time but I would mentally prepare for it all to be on your own. Drop the rope completely re: anything to do with him, you are wasting time and energy.

Many items can be delivered for free on a schedule from Amazon, set it up once and stop giving mental space to tp, toothpaste and bulky pantry items.

If living here on just your salary (since he may be on track to being fired/unemployed) do you have family in a lower COL area? If so, consider relocation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't seem like he wants to be married or have a family at all.

I have to ask, with his financial problems, will he be able to pay child support?

Financial and JOB PERFORMANCE problems.

Plan a life where all tasks and finances fall to you, OP. If you can relocate somewhere cheaper where you have a support system, do that.

I'd stop talking about chores and focus on the issue of an ADD evaluation. Cart/horse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update.

YOU GUYS. I dug up his financial stuff (we’ve always kept it separate on his insistence) and he makes TWICE what I thought he did.

WHERE IS ALL HIS MONEY GOING???

I’m floored. I thought this was just a case of mismanagement but now it’s clear he spending his money on something or someone, and it’s not his family.

If he’s like 90% of men, it’s going to retirement accounts and college savings for your children.

I think drugs, hookers, gambling or hotels for hookups with an AP are much more likely from this guy. Come ON!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update.

YOU GUYS. I dug up his financial stuff (we’ve always kept it separate on his insistence) and he makes TWICE what I thought he did.

WHERE IS ALL HIS MONEY GOING???

I’m floored. I thought this was just a case of mismanagement but now it’s clear he spending his money on something or someone, and it’s not his family.

-day trading
-affair
-app-based treats that are not tangible

I sort of love this development. Its great for you! Twice the child support and a documented, ongoing instance of financial deception.

You forgot:

- 401k
- 529s for both kids
- IRA

I don’t know what’s going on, but I hope for the best for OP and her family.

[Anonymous]

I suspect the issue is less that he's lazy and more that he's a jerk. He's been playing incompetent and making twice what he told his wife, and also claiming to need to stay in bed. He may put up more of a fight than people think, it may not be possible to cut him off and move states without facing kidnapping charges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update.

YOU GUYS. I dug up his financial stuff (we’ve always kept it separate on his insistence) and he makes TWICE what I thought he did.

WHERE IS ALL HIS MONEY GOING???

I’m floored. I thought this was just a case of mismanagement but now it’s clear he spending his money on something or someone, and it’s not his family.

If he’s like 90% of men, it’s going to retirement accounts and college savings for your children.

I think drugs, hookers, gambling or hotels for hookups with an AP are much more likely from this guy. Come ON!

Really? It sounds to me like he is kind of a lazy homebody. All of those things require effort and a thrill seeking personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update.

YOU GUYS. I dug up his financial stuff (we’ve always kept it separate on his insistence) and he makes TWICE what I thought he did.

WHERE IS ALL HIS MONEY GOING???

I’m floored. I thought this was just a case of mismanagement but now it’s clear he spending his money on something or someone, and it’s not his family.

-day trading
-affair
-app-based treats that are not tangible

I sort of love this development. Its great for you! Twice the child support and a documented, ongoing instance of financial deception.

You forgot:

- 401k
- 529s for both kids
- IRA

I don’t know what’s going on, but I hope for the best for OP and her family.

When you contribute to 401k, it comes out of your paycheck off the top so that wouldnt explain his paycheck being twice what he claims. 529, IRA has some kind of explanation in the withdrawl column. Either way, it doesnt explain it. Im curious who does taxes in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update.

YOU GUYS. I dug up his financial stuff (we’ve always kept it separate on his insistence) and he makes TWICE what I thought he did.

WHERE IS ALL HIS MONEY GOING???

I’m floored. I thought this was just a case of mismanagement but now it’s clear he spending his money on something or someone, and it’s not his family.

-day trading
-affair
-app-based treats that are not tangible

I sort of love this development. Its great for you! Twice the child support and a documented, ongoing instance of financial deception.

You forgot:

- 401k
- 529s for both kids
- IRA

I don’t know what’s going on, but I hope for the best for OP and her family.

When you contribute to 401k, it comes out of your paycheck off the top so that wouldnt explain his paycheck being twice what he claims. 529, IRA has some kind of explanation in the withdrawl column. Either way, it doesnt explain it. Im curious who does taxes in the family.

OP didn’t say that she has his paycheck or tax return. She said that she left the house and dug up some financial information.

If he is taking money out for savings and maybe paying for life and disability insurance policies, it would explain why only half of what he gets paid is available for regular expenses.

Hopefully this is it. That means that they can use some of his money to pay for household help. I’m pretty sure that most kids would prefer to take out college loans over living in a household where parents are constantly fighting and having screaming matches about chores.

[Anonymous]

There have been several posts @ ADD but I'm going to raise bipolar and/or some kind of personality disorder given the deception.

OP, the best solution to a divorce with someone like this is distance and relocation. Otherwise it can be an unending nightmare till the kids are out of college. Where can you and the kids go where you could have family or friends as a support network? Can you work remotely? Is your job very DC centric or do the skills transfer?

Take your focus on the cards and charts and minutia and protect yourself and your kids.