If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. So I left the house for a couple days.

H has told me before that life would be so much better without me. We’ll see if he’s right.

Oh wow. Did you take the kids or leave them with him?

I did something like this for a month or two at the beginning of the pandemic. I took care of the kids and homeschooled and worked during the day, then I left whenever he got home in the evening. It didn’t do much to repair my marriage, but I got back a sense of self that I had lost over the previous years.
I hope that you find what you are looking for, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. So I left the house for a couple days.

H has told me before that life would be so much better without me. We’ll see if he’s right.

Did you take the kids? Do you have a support system in place to help? Please see an attorney ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's absolutely possible to find a husband who doesn't dump all the work on you. My brother has been a SAHD and is the primary caretaker for his kids (his wife's job requires a lot of travel, he works remotely part time). My husband and I share childcare equally. When I drop my kid off at preschool half of those doing dropoff and pickup are Dads.

Yeah, it's possible. But there are still norms and averages. Most women get shafted, taking on more than the man. Getting back to OP, though, she is in a situation where its not just inequitable, it's *entirely* on her. Its a rare circumstance where divorce may be the rational solution. He seems to be functionally not really a husband already so formalizing it and moving on seems sensible.

The way to stop the norms is to fight them. Dump lazy man babies. Make it spcialy unacceptable. Millennial Dads spend three times as much time with their kids on average than their fathers did. Keep the trend going.

It's not really practical to divorce a man bc he cleans only 70% as much as hou. It makes more sense to just slowly turn up the dial. Women now have a better deal than before. But dont kid yourself, this is a widespread and persistant problem and probably wont be solved by blowing up most families. [/quote


Yes. I took on 90% of the housework and childcare while I encouraged my DH to keep working towards a goal. I was stressed out with my own job and knew I didn’t really want to move up. When DH achieved the goal, I flat out quit. Now I’m a SAHM and take on the same 90% while he now has to handle the 100% financial side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's absolutely possible to find a husband who doesn't dump all the work on you. My brother has been a SAHD and is the primary caretaker for his kids (his wife's job requires a lot of travel, he works remotely part time). My husband and I share childcare equally. When I drop my kid off at preschool half of those doing dropoff and pickup are Dads.

Yeah, it's possible. But there are still norms and averages. Most women get shafted, taking on more than the man. Getting back to OP, though, she is in a situation where its not just inequitable, it's *entirely* on her. Its a rare circumstance where divorce may be the rational solution. He seems to be functionally not really a husband already so formalizing it and moving on seems sensible.

And we've discussed this on here before. On average, men work more hours than women overall, when taking into account both the home and outside work: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/03/14/chapter-6-time-in-work-and-leisure-patterns-by-gender-and-family-structure/

"On average, married fathers’ time in paid and unpaid work totals 55.5 hours per week, 1.4 hours more than that of married mothers."

So, yeah, women don't get shafted. They might work more at home, but, on average, they work fewer hours overall and make less money overall.

On one point, I agree: OP's husband sounds like deadweight and should be booted from her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's absolutely possible to find a husband who doesn't dump all the work on you. My brother has been a SAHD and is the primary caretaker for his kids (his wife's job requires a lot of travel, he works remotely part time). My husband and I share childcare equally. When I drop my kid off at preschool half of those doing dropoff and pickup are Dads.

Yeah, it's possible. But there are still norms and averages. Most women get shafted, taking on more than the man. Getting back to OP, though, she is in a situation where its not just inequitable, it's *entirely* on her. Its a rare circumstance where divorce may be the rational solution. He seems to be functionally not really a husband already so formalizing it and moving on seems sensible.

And we've discussed this on here before. On average, men work more hours than women overall, when taking into account both the home and outside work: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/03/14/chapter-6-time-in-work-and-leisure-patterns-by-gender-and-family-structure/

"On average, married fathers’ time in paid and unpaid work totals 55.5 hours per week, 1.4 hours more than that of married mothers."

So, yeah, women don't get shafted. They might work more at home, but, on average, they work fewer hours overall and make less money overall.

On one point, I agree: OP's husband sounds like deadweight and should be booted from her life.

That report isn't making the point you seem to think it is making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's absolutely possible to find a husband who doesn't dump all the work on you. My brother has been a SAHD and is the primary caretaker for his kids (his wife's job requires a lot of travel, he works remotely part time). My husband and I share childcare equally. When I drop my kid off at preschool half of those doing dropoff and pickup are Dads.

Yeah, it's possible. But there are still norms and averages. Most women get shafted, taking on more than the man. Getting back to OP, though, she is in a situation where its not just inequitable, it's *entirely* on her. Its a rare circumstance where divorce may be the rational solution. He seems to be functionally not really a husband already so formalizing it and moving on seems sensible.

And we've discussed this on here before. On average, men work more hours than women overall, when taking into account both the home and outside work: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/03/14/chapter-6-time-in-work-and-leisure-patterns-by-gender-and-family-structure/

"On average, married fathers’ time in paid and unpaid work totals 55.5 hours per week, 1.4 hours more than that of married mothers."

So, yeah, women don't get shafted. They might work more at home, but, on average, they work fewer hours overall and make less money overall.

On one point, I agree: OP's husband sounds like deadweight and should be booted from her life.

That report isn't making the point you seem to think it is making.

It definitely is not. Smh

[Anonymous]

OP, there are some very specific details in this thread. You were able to make an initial path forward, so you may want to request this be deleted and then you can start a new one, if you need, for perspective as you move forward with your "stay or go" planning.

[Anonymous]

This is my life. My husband took the job. Double the commute; double the work; lateral pay. I told him not to. He took it. 17 years ago.

Lessons learned: he loves the job, probably more than he loves me. He's focused more on that job that he has on me or DD. DD is 17. She was 6 months old when he took the job.

Over the years I cried, demanded, pleaded. None of it worked. It took everything in him to do this job. I had a "lesser" job than I was capable of because one of us had too be available and raise the kid and run the life right?

He took the job. He made his choice. I should have kept my mouth shut after he took it and lived my life and hired help. I didn't. I do think it destroyed us. Are we still together? Yes. Happily? No. I think my complaining hurt us as much as him giving all to the job. We both contributed.

[Anonymous]

PP here. If I was braver, maybe I should have left? Sometime I wish I had and made better choices for. DD and me. I was always waiting for DH to change.

[Anonymous]

Read Laura Doyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read Laura Doyle.

LOL I am not following that garbage. Sorry, but men need to be held to some sort of standard.

[Anonymous]

OP back with an update.

YOU GUYS. I dug up his financial stuff (we’ve always kept it separate on his insistence) and he makes TWICE what I thought he did.

WHERE IS ALL HIS MONEY GOING???

I’m floored. I thought this was just a case of mismanagement but now it’s clear he spending his money on something or someone, and it’s not his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update.

YOU GUYS. I dug up his financial stuff (we’ve always kept it separate on his insistence) and he makes TWICE what I thought he did.

WHERE IS ALL HIS MONEY GOING???

I’m floored. I thought this was just a case of mismanagement but now it’s clear he spending his money on something or someone, and it’s not his family.

Well, show that to your lawyer on Monday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update.

YOU GUYS. I dug up his financial stuff (we’ve always kept it separate on his insistence) and he makes TWICE what I thought he did.

WHERE IS ALL HIS MONEY GOING???

I’m floored. I thought this was just a case of mismanagement but now it’s clear he spending his money on something or someone, and it’s not his family.

It’s another deception from him, regardless of where the money is going. I’m sorry OP. Photograph and document everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H and I have struggled with the division of domestic work for a LONG time. We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried Fair Play, we’ve tried charts and boards and to-do lists, none of it helps. He just does not care and won’t do it.

He was asked to interview for a position in his company that, according to him, is a 6 month trial with no pay raise, but it puts him in front of people like the CEO, and gives him management experience. It is VERY demanding, will have zero flexibility on scheduling, and will require travel. In his words, it could either make or break his career - if he does well, it could lead to a permanent position with a very significant pay raise, or if he does poorly, he will basically be stuck in his current role permanently.

I was blunt and told him that his time management sucks, he is lazy, and I can’t support him taking this job because it will mean I have even more responsibility at home. I said if he could step it up and prove he’s capable, then I can support him, but right now he sleeps in every day, takes naps in the afternoon/evening while I’m caring for the kids, and stays up playing on his phone most of the night. He got angry and said THIS job is what will finally help him get his sh!t together.

I thought maybe he would try to prove himself, but no. I came down this morning, he did not complete any of his Fair Play cards (dishes, tidying, feeding the pets, putting his work stuff away). I know for a fact he was playing on his phone. I pointed out to him that when he has his dirty containers from lunch sitting on the counter for days, we are out of toilet paper and toothpaste because he doesn’t complete his assigned task of tracking and restocking, when I can’t make the kids breakfast because the kitchen is a disaster - it does not suggest to me that he is capable of handling this job, and that if he were serious, he should have stepped it up THAT night rather than playing on his phone and sleeping in.

He blew up and me and started screaming about how horrible his life is because he has to deal with a nag, I should be grateful for what he does do, and he’s not going to take the job anyway. He then ripped up a love note I had left on the wall thanking him for making dinner (he has made it exactly twice in the last month, and I was trying to positively reinforce it) and told me to never thank him for anything again.

Am I the jerk here? Because I cannot take on anymore. If this job came with a pay raise and we could outsource, I would be supportive, but right now we can’t afford that.

"Fair Play" cards? He sounds worse than my teen son with ADHD. You are married to a big baby, not a man and I would consider options. Jeezus, my DH is a VP at a large company and he does chores, makes meals a few days a week, helps with cleaning, and is a partner in our parenting, household and marriage- not because he's a great guy but because he's an adult.