If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.

[Anonymous]

H and I have struggled with the division of domestic work for a LONG time. We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried Fair Play, we’ve tried charts and boards and to-do lists, none of it helps. He just does not care and won’t do it.

He was asked to interview for a position in his company that, according to him, is a 6 month trial with no pay raise, but it puts him in front of people like the CEO, and gives him management experience. It is VERY demanding, will have zero flexibility on scheduling, and will require travel. In his words, it could either make or break his career - if he does well, it could lead to a permanent position with a very significant pay raise, or if he does poorly, he will basically be stuck in his current role permanently.

I was blunt and told him that his time management sucks, he is lazy, and I can’t support him taking this job because it will mean I have even more responsibility at home. I said if he could step it up and prove he’s capable, then I can support him, but right now he sleeps in every day, takes naps in the afternoon/evening while I’m caring for the kids, and stays up playing on his phone most of the night. He got angry and said THIS job is what will finally help him get his sh!t together.

I thought maybe he would try to prove himself, but no. I came down this morning, he did not complete any of his Fair Play cards (dishes, tidying, feeding the pets, putting his work stuff away). I know for a fact he was playing on his phone. I pointed out to him that when he has his dirty containers from lunch sitting on the counter for days, we are out of toilet paper and toothpaste because he doesn’t complete his assigned task of tracking and restocking, when I can’t make the kids breakfast because the kitchen is a disaster - it does not suggest to me that he is capable of handling this job, and that if he were serious, he should have stepped it up THAT night rather than playing on his phone and sleeping in.

He blew up and me and started screaming about how horrible his life is because he has to deal with a nag, I should be grateful for what he does do, and he’s not going to take the job anyway. He then ripped up a love note I had left on the wall thanking him for making dinner (he has made it exactly twice in the last month, and I was trying to positively reinforce it) and told me to never thank him for anything again.

Am I the jerk here? Because I cannot take on anymore. If this job came with a pay raise and we could outsource, I would be supportive, but right now we can’t afford that.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re crazy to have kids with someone who did nothing around the house without expecting and implicitly agreeing to doing the majority of the work. But that’s water under the bridge. And I think it’s a mistake to make your support for a great new opportunity contingent on him doing something he either can’t or won’t because it’s the same thing as saying that you don’t support him. And it doesn’t sound like your life will be any different in terms of division of labor even if he takes the opportunity.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but this sounds like he’s pretty horrible and selfish and unreasonable and, worst, unwilling to change.

[Anonymous]

Hire help and stop expecting your husband to change. As you say, he does not care. You can’t change him and he is not motivated to do anything differently. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re crazy to have kids with someone who did nothing around the house without expecting and implicitly agreeing to doing the majority of the work. But that’s water under the bridge. And I think it’s a mistake to make your support for a great new opportunity contingent on him doing something he either can’t or won’t because it’s the same thing as saying that you don’t support him. And it doesn’t sound like your life will be any different in terms of division of labor even if he takes the opportunity.

+1. I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

What is he adding to your life?

[Anonymous]

Why stay with someone like that? Seriously? And this is what you’re modeling to your kids? Talk to an attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire help and stop expecting your husband to change. As you say, he does not care. You can’t change him and he is not motivated to do anything differently. I’m sorry.

I would consider what your children are learning/seeing is acceptable behavior as an adult.

[Anonymous]

He won't change. Decide how to proceed going forward. You might be better off as a single mom.

However, I will say I remember that stage of life (two working parents, no outsourcing). I let a lot of things go. I didn't care about tidying or dusting.

I wouldn't bother with systems/cards/love letters. We stockpiled necessary things like TP, food when we had time. Otherwise, we picked a Saturday morning and the whole family helped clean the house. Good enough and no nagging.

[Anonymous]

Would he consider being evaluated for adhd? Depression? Seems like something might be getting in the way of his ability to complete tasks.

[Anonymous]

So you are you want things to change, and him making more money could at least allow you to outsource, but because for six months nothing will change, but that also precludes you from getting to a point where you can outsource? If you know he isn’t going to change, why do you care if he does something that could provide resources for you that would benefit you? Is there a difference between him do more of nothing than less of nothing?

You also have not mentioned if you work. Deserved or not, it sounds like you treat him like a child. That isn’t going to encourage any change in a grown adult. What would you do if you came home to a chore chart?

Has he literally never attempted to help? Or has he done stuff a couple of times and you criticized, showed him the correct way (your way)?

[Anonymous]

I think you should relook at your budget and consider outsourcing cleaners. Does your household have cable, go on vacation, spend lots of $$ on holiday gifts or does your DH have a pricey hobby? In my house, I would cut them all to lower your stress level.

[Anonymous]

I'd get real practical here. He can take the job, but you get a housecleaner/housekeeper. The end.

I know you said it's not in the budget. Find the money. Lower his cell phone bill, he orders less takeout, whatever.

You need a housecleaner anyway.

[Anonymous]

I'd honestly divorce a guy like this. He's also delusional about the job. He's taking a management job that's more demanding with no pay raise but maybe a pay raise in 6 months? No one should ever take a job under those circumstances. That's a trap. They're always going to be dangling vaguenstuff in front of him for no pay raise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd honestly divorce a guy like this. He's also delusional about the job. He's taking a management job that's more demanding with no pay raise but maybe a pay raise in 6 months? No one should ever take a job under those circumstances. That's a trap. They're always going to be dangling vaguenstuff in front of him for no pay raise.

+1. It’s always been that you do the work at the level above you while in your current role. When you’ve demonstrated that you can do it, you get the promotion. There’s no defined trial period.