Girlfriend Has Changed Her Mind On Every Important Issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t realize this thread was still going.

I’ve had 4 other serious relationship. 3 in my twenties where it was serious but neither of us were at a point where we wanted to settle down at that age. My last was two years long and was very serious. I planned to marry her but ultimately she didn’t want kids and it ended. She felt like she needed to have kids because bed family was telling her that’s what is normal, but she told me when we were about to get engaged that she didn’t want kids, and didn’t feel right marrying me knowing I wanted kids. She said she loved me and didn’t want to lie to me. She tried to want those things but she just didn’t want kids. I loved her but I do want kids and decided it was best to end the relationship. That was two years ago and she has since married a man who also doesn’t want kids. We would be married today if she did want kids because she was an amazing partner and we got along very well.

I’ve lived in my parents paid off condo that they own but I have lived in with roommates and on my own when before moving in here two years ago. I’ve paid rent, paid utilities, and paid for my school on my own. I know how to function as an adult. I could have lived on more money, but I chose to save money because I want to make life easier for my future wife and kids.

I’m open to having a SAHM wife. My mother quit her job to raise me and my brother. I have a strong respect for women who want to stay home and I ultimately don’t care if my wife wants to stay home or work. I don’t mind supporting my family if my wife chooses to stay home. It’s just that she needs to understand that we can’t live beyond our means and have the most expensive everything. She will have full access to money and will never have to worry about looking over every expense. I’ve lived with my ex before this one for a year and never had an issue. I just want someone reasonable who will live within their means and not spend money or the point that we can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle.

I never said I would pay for the wedding and down payment, she just assumed. She was raised in an upper middle class family but she is not from a rich family. She does work and makes a good income. She does pay for her own apartment. I did pay for everything while we were together. When discussing finances, she just assumed I would pay for everything. We discussed my savings and I told her how I save most of my money because I want to be able to afford a house, have a wife who has the option to stay at home, have kids, etc. Besides groceries, she had never once paid for anything, and she just assumed I would pay for everything as well. I don’t mind paying for it, but the assumption that I would pay for it all feels like I’m being used.

I’m not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I just want someone who loves me and wants to be with me for more than what I can do for them. I want a real partner, not someone who sees me as their meal ticket. My parents have been married for over 40 years and have been an excellent example of what real love, commitment, and partnership is. I want that for my future kids.

“I want a wife who’s a SAHP, but I don’t want to have to support my wife while she’s a SAHP.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t realize this thread was still going.

I’ve had 4 other serious relationship. 3 in my twenties where it was serious but neither of us were at a point where we wanted to settle down at that age. My last was two years long and was very serious. I planned to marry her but ultimately she didn’t want kids and it ended. She felt like she needed to have kids because bed family was telling her that’s what is normal, but she told me when we were about to get engaged that she didn’t want kids, and didn’t feel right marrying me knowing I wanted kids. She said she loved me and didn’t want to lie to me. She tried to want those things but she just didn’t want kids. I loved her but I do want kids and decided it was best to end the relationship. That was two years ago and she has since married a man who also doesn’t want kids. We would be married today if she did want kids because she was an amazing partner and we got along very well.

I’ve lived in my parents paid off condo that they own but I have lived in with roommates and on my own when before moving in here two years ago. I’ve paid rent, paid utilities, and paid for my school on my own. I know how to function as an adult. I could have lived on more money, but I chose to save money because I want to make life easier for my future wife and kids.

I’m open to having a SAHM wife. My mother quit her job to raise me and my brother. I have a strong respect for women who want to stay home and I ultimately don’t care if my wife wants to stay home or work. I don’t mind supporting my family if my wife chooses to stay home. It’s just that she needs to understand that we can’t live beyond our means and have the most expensive everything. She will have full access to money and will never have to worry about looking over every expense. I’ve lived with my ex before this one for a year and never had an issue. I just want someone reasonable who will live within their means and not spend money or the point that we can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle.

I never said I would pay for the wedding and down payment, she just assumed. She was raised in an upper middle class family but she is not from a rich family. She does work and makes a good income. She does pay for her own apartment. I did pay for everything while we were together. When discussing finances, she just assumed I would pay for everything. We discussed my savings and I told her how I save most of my money because I want to be able to afford a house, have a wife who has the option to stay at home, have kids, etc. Besides groceries, she had never once paid for anything, and she just assumed I would pay for everything as well. I don’t mind paying for it, but the assumption that I would pay for it all feels like I’m being used.

I’m not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I just want someone who loves me and wants to be with me for more than what I can do for them. I want a real partner, not someone who sees me as their meal ticket. My parents have been married for over 40 years and have been an excellent example of what real love, commitment, and partnership is. I want that for my future kids.

She already paid her own rent. She lived with you for two months, in a condo that you do not have to pay rent on, and paid for groceries and "household things" (of course now you're erasing that as well). What did you want her to do, pay rent to you and for her apartment, when you live in a paid-off condo as a gift from your parents? Where is the money you think she owes you? Should she have taken over the light bill in addition to her own bills, while you save 90% of your income for a house? The more you post the crazier it seems that you're trying to paint her as a gold digger. You bought her a ring, which she gave back. Beyond that I don't see where she got any gold, but she did dodge a bullet.

I think you have something pathological going on with your savings. You like seeing it grow but are very upset at the idea of using it for its intended purpose. You say you were saving for a house, wedding, for your wife to be a SAHM, about half a dozen times in this thread. But when you propose to a woman who wants to buy a house and to stay at home after kids are born, you decide that she's materialistic for wanting the things you profess to want yourself. You can keep blaming her but you're the one who proposed to this person, and no she did not change her mind between making fun of someone else's ring for being small, telling you she wanted a big ring, and then telling you she wanted a bigger ring than what you bought. There's no change there. That's the same woman, behaving in the same way. The one you proposed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well looks like this sorted itself. Rather than fake it through counseling to get her clutches into your $2 million, she left you and your money. Perhaps not so greedy and money hungry after all

At the end of the day, OP and his ex are not on the same page.

I would be hurt and sad if my fiancé wanted to call off the engagement. I probably would not understand the ring comment or the house.

When Dh proposed to me, the diamond was small. I didn’t like my ring at all. I guess the difference was that I didn’t say anything and we got married. I remember my divorced friend once told me that she knew she shouldn’t have married her ex when he proposed with a crappy ring he bought at the mall. I know she just said it out of hurt but there is some truth to it.

I think the fiancé was just too honest. I don’t think her feelings are unique. Wanting a nice ring, a nice house and wanting to stay home with the kids is a want many women have. Execution of how to get this will vary.

I remember when I had my first baby, some old grandmothers congratulationed me and made it seem like I sealed the deal. As if just being married wasn’t serious enough.

Oh please, your friend new by the type of ring her former husband bought her that the marriage wouldn't work out? Then, why did she get married? She couldn't help pitch in to get a better ring if this issues was such a dealbreaker.

The finance was a gold digger plain and simple. She expected the OP to pay for everything. She has a supposedly wealthy family, but they can't chip in and pay for their daughter's wedding? They can't contribute to the 2mil dollars house she expects starting out which is insane for a first time homebuyer. She can't contribute to the 2 million dollar house herself? Op mentioned she had a job. OP never answered whether she contributed to their current place so I am guessing that means 'no.'. I can't imagine why a well off successful man would want to marry such a demanding, entitled woman. The finance sounds beyond obnoxious. The ring he gave her wasn't good enough. Her wants were extremely lavish and she supposedly was devoted to her job, but would quit once she got married. Sounds like OP dodged a bullet and can find someone who is not into his money but into him.

I think it's fine that they broke up but this is revisionist af. OP said his fiancee still had her own apartment that she pays for, but had been staying at his (parents') place the last 2 months. She buys groceries but he pays his own "nominal" rent on the paid off apartment his parents own to his own parents.

Buys groceries..LOL. That's is nothing. OP flat out said she expected him to use his money to pay for the downpayment on their 2 million house. She works and can't contribute to her own potential house. Yeah, what a gal!

He said multiple times he's been saving 90% of his income specifically to pay for a house. Now if she says "so we'll use that money for a down payment" it's a crazy "demand"? He's living for basically free off his parents and saving a hoard. She's paying market rate on her apartment and paying for stuff around his house, on her own dime.

They shouldn't get married but he should look at his role in this debacle. He's in danger of becoming one of those FIRE fanatics that can't function in the real world, and I say that as someone who saves 50%+ of our HHI.

Sorry not seeing anywhere where OP mentions that his finance has an apartment of her own that she is paying for or that she pays for things around his house. I find it odd that a 30 year old woman with a job expects her finance to use the majority of his savings to pay for a down payment on their future house. She didn't even ask him, just assumed he would give her everything she wants without question. His budget is 1.5. She wants 2.5. She can't contribute financially for a down payment especially for a more expensive house? Why not? The other poster got it right. She wants a "Rich" husband that doesn't have a backbone and will spend money on whatever she wants. Now that OP pushed back on her wants, she balks. The 1.5 ring wasn't good enough, a 1.5 mil house isn't good enough. She demands a lot for someone who isn't contributing anything financially and I sincerely doubt she will be the type of SAHM that cleans that 2.5 house all by herself. She will have a maid, cook, nanny etc.

Read the thread:
Anonymous wrote:
You sound weak. She has clearly made a strategic decision by "breaking up" with you. She's playing chicken, testing to see if she can control you. She threatens that you'll lose her, banking on you begging her back. Please be strong. All of your friends and loved ones are right. She's wrong for you.

Questions:
--did she give the ring back?
--did you bring up her snarkiness about her friend's ring and the ring that you bought? if so, did she show any embarrassment about her behavior?
--how were bills in your joint household being handled these last several months? did she pay her fair share?


OP here.

- I asked for the ring back last night after she said she needed a break. She was pissed but gave it back.
- I didn’t say much about that to her.
- I paid for everything but she still and her own apartment and pays for all her personals. We have only been living together for two months. She would buy groceries and stuff for the house on occasion but I mostly paid for everything.

He also said he has been saving 90% of his income for "wedding, house, and a family" so why would she not assume that money was available for a down payment. Obviously they have to come to terms on what is the right size / location / cost for a house, but yes I would expect the 35 year old who has a huge savings account because mom and dad covered housing his whole life to have more to contribute to a down payment.

Also note that he says "I paid for everything [here's a list of all the things she actually paid for] I paid for everything." He's ignoring her contributions because it doesn't suit his narrative.

I won't expect him to pay more for the downpayment just b/c he has the means. You seem to be missing her sense of entitlement---she did not offer anything, she just expects it. Anyway, glad she gave the ring back OP. Hope everything turns out well for you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well looks like this sorted itself. Rather than fake it through counseling to get her clutches into your $2 million, she left you and your money. Perhaps not so greedy and money hungry after all

At the end of the day, OP and his ex are not on the same page.

I would be hurt and sad if my fiancé wanted to call off the engagement. I probably would not understand the ring comment or the house.

When Dh proposed to me, the diamond was small. I didn’t like my ring at all. I guess the difference was that I didn’t say anything and we got married. I remember my divorced friend once told me that she knew she shouldn’t have married her ex when he proposed with a crappy ring he bought at the mall. I know she just said it out of hurt but there is some truth to it.

I think the fiancé was just too honest. I don’t think her feelings are unique. Wanting a nice ring, a nice house and wanting to stay home with the kids is a want many women have. Execution of how to get this will vary.

I remember when I had my first baby, some old grandmothers congratulationed me and made it seem like I sealed the deal. As if just being married wasn’t serious enough.

Oh please, your friend new by the type of ring her former husband bought her that the marriage wouldn't work out? Then, why did she get married? She couldn't help pitch in to get a better ring if this issues was such a dealbreaker.

The finance was a gold digger plain and simple. She expected the OP to pay for everything. She has a supposedly wealthy family, but they can't chip in and pay for their daughter's wedding? They can't contribute to the 2mil dollars house she expects starting out which is insane for a first time homebuyer. She can't contribute to the 2 million dollar house herself? Op mentioned she had a job. OP never answered whether she contributed to their current place so I am guessing that means 'no.'. I can't imagine why a well off successful man would want to marry such a demanding, entitled woman. The finance sounds beyond obnoxious. The ring he gave her wasn't good enough. Her wants were extremely lavish and she supposedly was devoted to her job, but would quit once she got married. Sounds like OP dodged a bullet and can find someone who is not into his money but into him.

I think it's fine that they broke up but this is revisionist af. OP said his fiancee still had her own apartment that she pays for, but had been staying at his (parents') place the last 2 months. She buys groceries but he pays his own "nominal" rent on the paid off apartment his parents own to his own parents.

Buys groceries..LOL. That's is nothing. OP flat out said she expected him to use his money to pay for the downpayment on their 2 million house. She works and can't contribute to her own potential house. Yeah, what a gal!

He said multiple times he's been saving 90% of his income specifically to pay for a house. Now if she says "so we'll use that money for a down payment" it's a crazy "demand"? He's living for basically free off his parents and saving a hoard. She's paying market rate on her apartment and paying for stuff around his house, on her own dime.

They shouldn't get married but he should look at his role in this debacle. He's in danger of becoming one of those FIRE fanatics that can't function in the real world, and I say that as someone who saves 50%+ of our HHI.

Sorry not seeing anywhere where OP mentions that his finance has an apartment of her own that she is paying for or that she pays for things around his house. I find it odd that a 30 year old woman with a job expects her finance to use the majority of his savings to pay for a down payment on their future house. She didn't even ask him, just assumed he would give her everything she wants without question. His budget is 1.5. She wants 2.5. She can't contribute financially for a down payment especially for a more expensive house? Why not? The other poster got it right. She wants a "Rich" husband that doesn't have a backbone and will spend money on whatever she wants. Now that OP pushed back on her wants, she balks. The 1.5 ring wasn't good enough, a 1.5 mil house isn't good enough. She demands a lot for someone who isn't contributing anything financially and I sincerely doubt she will be the type of SAHM that cleans that 2.5 house all by herself. She will have a maid, cook, nanny etc.

Read the thread:
Anonymous wrote:
You sound weak. She has clearly made a strategic decision by "breaking up" with you. She's playing chicken, testing to see if she can control you. She threatens that you'll lose her, banking on you begging her back. Please be strong. All of your friends and loved ones are right. She's wrong for you.

Questions:
--did she give the ring back?
--did you bring up her snarkiness about her friend's ring and the ring that you bought? if so, did she show any embarrassment about her behavior?
--how were bills in your joint household being handled these last several months? did she pay her fair share?


OP here.

- I asked for the ring back last night after she said she needed a break. She was pissed but gave it back.
- I didn’t say much about that to her.
- I paid for everything but she still and her own apartment and pays for all her personals. We have only been living together for two months. She would buy groceries and stuff for the house on occasion but I mostly paid for everything.

He also said he has been saving 90% of his income for "wedding, house, and a family" so why would she not assume that money was available for a down payment. Obviously they have to come to terms on what is the right size / location / cost for a house, but yes I would expect the 35 year old who has a huge savings account because mom and dad covered housing his whole life to have more to contribute to a down payment.

Also note that he says "I paid for everything [here's a list of all the things she actually paid for] I paid for everything." He's ignoring her contributions because it doesn't suit his narrative.

I won't expect him to pay more for the downpayment just b/c he has the means. You seem to be missing her sense of entitlement---she did not offer anything, she just expects it. Anyway, glad she gave the ring back OP. Hope everything turns out well for you OP.

Yeah, if you go around saying "I've been saving 90% of my income to buy a house" it's actually not crazy for the person you say that to to expect you to use that money to buy a house.

I wouldn't have proposed to her after she made fun of someone else's ring and said she wanted a big one. But OP sure did! OP has also glossed over what she does pay for repeatedly. You could say it's entitled of him to expect her to move in with him while she's still under lease somewhere else and still has to pay that rent. Why not move in with her, let your parents rent out their vacation condo or use it themselves, and stop leeching off of them? He didn't offer to do that, just expected her to come to him so he could keep his sweet no-rent deal. I'm glad she kept the apartment so she can leave easily. Hope everything turns out well for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t realize this thread was still going.

I’ve had 4 other serious relationship. 3 in my twenties where it was serious but neither of us were at a point where we wanted to settle down at that age. My last was two years long and was very serious. I planned to marry her but ultimately she didn’t want kids and it ended. She felt like she needed to have kids because bed family was telling her that’s what is normal, but she told me when we were about to get engaged that she didn’t want kids, and didn’t feel right marrying me knowing I wanted kids. She said she loved me and didn’t want to lie to me. She tried to want those things but she just didn’t want kids. I loved her but I do want kids and decided it was best to end the relationship. That was two years ago and she has since married a man who also doesn’t want kids. We would be married today if she did want kids because she was an amazing partner and we got along very well.

I’ve lived in my parents paid off condo that they own but I have lived in with roommates and on my own when before moving in here two years ago. I’ve paid rent, paid utilities, and paid for my school on my own. I know how to function as an adult. I could have lived on more money, but I chose to save money because I want to make life easier for my future wife and kids.

I’m open to having a SAHM wife. My mother quit her job to raise me and my brother. I have a strong respect for women who want to stay home and I ultimately don’t care if my wife wants to stay home or work. I don’t mind supporting my family if my wife chooses to stay home. It’s just that she needs to understand that we can’t live beyond our means and have the most expensive everything. She will have full access to money and will never have to worry about looking over every expense. I’ve lived with my ex before this one for a year and never had an issue. I just want someone reasonable who will live within their means and not spend money or the point that we can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle.

I never said I would pay for the wedding and down payment, she just assumed. She was raised in an upper middle class family but she is not from a rich family. She does work and makes a good income. She does pay for her own apartment. I did pay for everything while we were together. When discussing finances, she just assumed I would pay for everything. We discussed my savings and I told her how I save most of my money because I want to be able to afford a house, have a wife who has the option to stay at home, have kids, etc. Besides groceries, she had never once paid for anything, and she just assumed I would pay for everything as well. I don’t mind paying for it, but the assumption that I would pay for it all feels like I’m being used.

I’m not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I just want someone who loves me and wants to be with me for more than what I can do for them. I want a real partner, not someone who sees me as their meal ticket. My parents have been married for over 40 years and have been an excellent example of what real love, commitment, and partnership is. I want that for my future kids.

She already paid her own rent. She lived with you for two months, in a condo that you do not have to pay rent on, and paid for groceries and "household things" (of course now you're erasing that as well). What did you want her to do, pay rent to you and for her apartment, when you live in a paid-off condo as a gift from your parents? Where is the money you think she owes you? Should she have taken over the light bill in addition to her own bills, while you save 90% of your income for a house? The more you post the crazier it seems that you're trying to paint her as a gold digger. You bought her a ring, which she gave back. Beyond that I don't see where she got any gold, but she did dodge a bullet.

I think you have something pathological going on with your savings. You like seeing it grow but are very upset at the idea of using it for its intended purpose. You say you were saving for a house, wedding, for your wife to be a SAHM, about half a dozen times in this thread. But when you propose to a woman who wants to buy a house and to stay at home after kids are born, you decide that she's materialistic for wanting the things you profess to want yourself. You can keep blaming her but you're the one who proposed to this person, and no she did not change her mind between making fun of someone else's ring for being small, telling you she wanted a big ring, and then telling you she wanted a bigger ring than what you bought. There's no change there. That's the same woman, behaving in the same way. The one you proposed to.

OP here. I never requested she pay for anything in the house. I know she had her own expenses. She did buy groceries and some household stuff on occasion. I paid for everything else. She had never once during our relationship paid for a date or an outing. We had gone on two vacations and I paid for everything. She didn’t buy me a gift for my bday or valentines days but I bought her expensive gifts for both. She gave me a bottle of wine for Christmas and homemade brownies. She makes $200k and has the means to support herself.

I paid for almost everything with my ex ex before this because I was raised that men are the main providers. She still made an effort to pay for dinner on occasion or buy me presents for my birthday.

The gesture is the important part for me. I didn’t think it was an issue then but now I’m starting to see that it was a problem. This is coming from women who have told me that she is a gold digger. I never once called her or that or thought she was one. I still don’t think she is. I just think we have different ideas of lifestyle we want and she is looking for man who will pay for everything for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t realize this thread was still going.

I’ve had 4 other serious relationship. 3 in my twenties where it was serious but neither of us were at a point where we wanted to settle down at that age. My last was two years long and was very serious. I planned to marry her but ultimately she didn’t want kids and it ended. She felt like she needed to have kids because bed family was telling her that’s what is normal, but she told me when we were about to get engaged that she didn’t want kids, and didn’t feel right marrying me knowing I wanted kids. She said she loved me and didn’t want to lie to me. She tried to want those things but she just didn’t want kids. I loved her but I do want kids and decided it was best to end the relationship. That was two years ago and she has since married a man who also doesn’t want kids. We would be married today if she did want kids because she was an amazing partner and we got along very well.

I’ve lived in my parents paid off condo that they own but I have lived in with roommates and on my own when before moving in here two years ago. I’ve paid rent, paid utilities, and paid for my school on my own. I know how to function as an adult. I could have lived on more money, but I chose to save money because I want to make life easier for my future wife and kids.

I’m open to having a SAHM wife. My mother quit her job to raise me and my brother. I have a strong respect for women who want to stay home and I ultimately don’t care if my wife wants to stay home or work. I don’t mind supporting my family if my wife chooses to stay home. It’s just that she needs to understand that we can’t live beyond our means and have the most expensive everything. She will have full access to money and will never have to worry about looking over every expense. I’ve lived with my ex before this one for a year and never had an issue. I just want someone reasonable who will live within their means and not spend money or the point that we can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle.

I never said I would pay for the wedding and down payment, she just assumed. She was raised in an upper middle class family but she is not from a rich family. She does work and makes a good income. She does pay for her own apartment. I did pay for everything while we were together. When discussing finances, she just assumed I would pay for everything. We discussed my savings and I told her how I save most of my money because I want to be able to afford a house, have a wife who has the option to stay at home, have kids, etc. Besides groceries, she had never once paid for anything, and she just assumed I would pay for everything as well. I don’t mind paying for it, but the assumption that I would pay for it all feels like I’m being used.

I’m not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I just want someone who loves me and wants to be with me for more than what I can do for them. I want a real partner, not someone who sees me as their meal ticket. My parents have been married for over 40 years and have been an excellent example of what real love, commitment, and partnership is. I want that for my future kids.

“I want a wife who’s a SAHP, but I don’t want to have to support my wife while she’s a SAHP.”

Your hatred for men is showing. OP has said the exact opposite many times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t realize this thread was still going.

I’ve had 4 other serious relationship. 3 in my twenties where it was serious but neither of us were at a point where we wanted to settle down at that age. My last was two years long and was very serious. I planned to marry her but ultimately she didn’t want kids and it ended. She felt like she needed to have kids because bed family was telling her that’s what is normal, but she told me when we were about to get engaged that she didn’t want kids, and didn’t feel right marrying me knowing I wanted kids. She said she loved me and didn’t want to lie to me. She tried to want those things but she just didn’t want kids. I loved her but I do want kids and decided it was best to end the relationship. That was two years ago and she has since married a man who also doesn’t want kids. We would be married today if she did want kids because she was an amazing partner and we got along very well.

I’ve lived in my parents paid off condo that they own but I have lived in with roommates and on my own when before moving in here two years ago. I’ve paid rent, paid utilities, and paid for my school on my own. I know how to function as an adult. I could have lived on more money, but I chose to save money because I want to make life easier for my future wife and kids.

I’m open to having a SAHM wife. My mother quit her job to raise me and my brother. I have a strong respect for women who want to stay home and I ultimately don’t care if my wife wants to stay home or work. I don’t mind supporting my family if my wife chooses to stay home. It’s just that she needs to understand that we can’t live beyond our means and have the most expensive everything. She will have full access to money and will never have to worry about looking over every expense. I’ve lived with my ex before this one for a year and never had an issue. I just want someone reasonable who will live within their means and not spend money or the point that we can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle.

I never said I would pay for the wedding and down payment, she just assumed. She was raised in an upper middle class family but she is not from a rich family. She does work and makes a good income. She does pay for her own apartment. I did pay for everything while we were together. When discussing finances, she just assumed I would pay for everything. We discussed my savings and I told her how I save most of my money because I want to be able to afford a house, have a wife who has the option to stay at home, have kids, etc. Besides groceries, she had never once paid for anything, and she just assumed I would pay for everything as well. I don’t mind paying for it, but the assumption that I would pay for it all feels like I’m being used.

I’m not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I just want someone who loves me and wants to be with me for more than what I can do for them. I want a real partner, not someone who sees me as their meal ticket. My parents have been married for over 40 years and have been an excellent example of what real love, commitment, and partnership is. I want that for my future kids.

She already paid her own rent. She lived with you for two months, in a condo that you do not have to pay rent on, and paid for groceries and "household things" (of course now you're erasing that as well). What did you want her to do, pay rent to you and for her apartment, when you live in a paid-off condo as a gift from your parents? Where is the money you think she owes you? Should she have taken over the light bill in addition to her own bills, while you save 90% of your income for a house? The more you post the crazier it seems that you're trying to paint her as a gold digger. You bought her a ring, which she gave back. Beyond that I don't see where she got any gold, but she did dodge a bullet.

I think you have something pathological going on with your savings. You like seeing it grow but are very upset at the idea of using it for its intended purpose. You say you were saving for a house, wedding, for your wife to be a SAHM, about half a dozen times in this thread. But when you propose to a woman who wants to buy a house and to stay at home after kids are born, you decide that she's materialistic for wanting the things you profess to want yourself. You can keep blaming her but you're the one who proposed to this person, and no she did not change her mind between making fun of someone else's ring for being small, telling you she wanted a big ring, and then telling you she wanted a bigger ring than what you bought. There's no change there. That's the same woman, behaving in the same way. The one you proposed to.

Are you being intentionally stupid or are you really that dense?

OP didn’t have an issue with buying a house - only that she wanted a house 1m more than he wanted. He budgeted for 1.5m and she wanted a 2.5m house.

He bought her a 20k 1.5 carat ring that she deemed “ too small”.

This is a woman who clearly wants to live an expensive life on OPs dime while complaining it’s never enough. The vast majority of 30 year old women would be happy with a 1.5 carat ring, 1.5m, and a man who makes 400k and has 2m in savings who wants to get married, have kids, and will support her decision to stay at home if she chooses. His ex is the unreasonable one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t realize this thread was still going.

I’ve had 4 other serious relationship. 3 in my twenties where it was serious but neither of us were at a point where we wanted to settle down at that age. My last was two years long and was very serious. I planned to marry her but ultimately she didn’t want kids and it ended. She felt like she needed to have kids because bed family was telling her that’s what is normal, but she told me when we were about to get engaged that she didn’t want kids, and didn’t feel right marrying me knowing I wanted kids. She said she loved me and didn’t want to lie to me. She tried to want those things but she just didn’t want kids. I loved her but I do want kids and decided it was best to end the relationship. That was two years ago and she has since married a man who also doesn’t want kids. We would be married today if she did want kids because she was an amazing partner and we got along very well.

I’ve lived in my parents paid off condo that they own but I have lived in with roommates and on my own when before moving in here two years ago. I’ve paid rent, paid utilities, and paid for my school on my own. I know how to function as an adult. I could have lived on more money, but I chose to save money because I want to make life easier for my future wife and kids.

I’m open to having a SAHM wife. My mother quit her job to raise me and my brother. I have a strong respect for women who want to stay home and I ultimately don’t care if my wife wants to stay home or work. I don’t mind supporting my family if my wife chooses to stay home. It’s just that she needs to understand that we can’t live beyond our means and have the most expensive everything. She will have full access to money and will never have to worry about looking over every expense. I’ve lived with my ex before this one for a year and never had an issue. I just want someone reasonable who will live within their means and not spend money or the point that we can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle.

I never said I would pay for the wedding and down payment, she just assumed. She was raised in an upper middle class family but she is not from a rich family. She does work and makes a good income. She does pay for her own apartment. I did pay for everything while we were together. When discussing finances, she just assumed I would pay for everything. We discussed my savings and I told her how I save most of my money because I want to be able to afford a house, have a wife who has the option to stay at home, have kids, etc. Besides groceries, she had never once paid for anything, and she just assumed I would pay for everything as well. I don’t mind paying for it, but the assumption that I would pay for it all feels like I’m being used.

I’m not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I just want someone who loves me and wants to be with me for more than what I can do for them. I want a real partner, not someone who sees me as their meal ticket. My parents have been married for over 40 years and have been an excellent example of what real love, commitment, and partnership is. I want that for my future kids.

She already paid her own rent. She lived with you for two months, in a condo that you do not have to pay rent on, and paid for groceries and "household things" (of course now you're erasing that as well). What did you want her to do, pay rent to you and for her apartment, when you live in a paid-off condo as a gift from your parents? Where is the money you think she owes you? Should she have taken over the light bill in addition to her own bills, while you save 90% of your income for a house? The more you post the crazier it seems that you're trying to paint her as a gold digger. You bought her a ring, which she gave back. Beyond that I don't see where she got any gold, but she did dodge a bullet.

I think you have something pathological going on with your savings. You like seeing it grow but are very upset at the idea of using it for its intended purpose. You say you were saving for a house, wedding, for your wife to be a SAHM, about half a dozen times in this thread. But when you propose to a woman who wants to buy a house and to stay at home after kids are born, you decide that she's materialistic for wanting the things you profess to want yourself. You can keep blaming her but you're the one who proposed to this person, and no she did not change her mind between making fun of someone else's ring for being small, telling you she wanted a big ring, and then telling you she wanted a bigger ring than what you bought. There's no change there. That's the same woman, behaving in the same way. The one you proposed to.

OP here. I never requested she pay for anything in the house. I know she had her own expenses. She did buy groceries and some household stuff on occasion. I paid for everything else. She had never once during our relationship paid for a date or an outing. We had gone on two vacations and I paid for everything. She didn’t buy me a gift for my bday or valentines days but I bought her expensive gifts for both. She gave me a bottle of wine for Christmas and homemade brownies. She makes $200k and has the means to support herself.

I paid for almost everything with my ex ex before this because I was raised that men are the main providers. She still made an effort to pay for dinner on occasion or buy me presents for my birthday.

The gesture is the important part for me. I didn’t think it was an issue then but now I’m starting to see that it was a problem. This is coming from women who have told me that she is a gold digger. I never once called her or that or thought she was one. I still don’t think she is. I just think we have different ideas of lifestyle we want and she is looking for man who will pay for everything for her.

OP, did you really have no clue that she wanted a different lifestyle than you are willing to contribute to? Does she wear cheap, frumpy clothes, no jewelry, hair only gets cut every six months, carrying an extra 10 pounds because she doesn’t want to pay for a gym or even new running shoes, living in a cheap crummy apartment and never spending money to socialize with friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well looks like this sorted itself. Rather than fake it through counseling to get her clutches into your $2 million, she left you and your money. Perhaps not so greedy and money hungry after all

At the end of the day, OP and his ex are not on the same page.

I would be hurt and sad if my fiancé wanted to call off the engagement. I probably would not understand the ring comment or the house.

When Dh proposed to me, the diamond was small. I didn’t like my ring at all. I guess the difference was that I didn’t say anything and we got married. I remember my divorced friend once told me that she knew she shouldn’t have married her ex when he proposed with a crappy ring he bought at the mall. I know she just said it out of hurt but there is some truth to it.

I think the fiancé was just too honest. I don’t think her feelings are unique. Wanting a nice ring, a nice house and wanting to stay home with the kids is a want many women have. Execution of how to get this will vary.

I remember when I had my first baby, some old grandmothers congratulationed me and made it seem like I sealed the deal. As if just being married wasn’t serious enough.

Oh please, your friend new by the type of ring her former husband bought her that the marriage wouldn't work out? Then, why did she get married? She couldn't help pitch in to get a better ring if this issues was such a dealbreaker.

The finance was a gold digger plain and simple. She expected the OP to pay for everything. She has a supposedly wealthy family, but they can't chip in and pay for their daughter's wedding? They can't contribute to the 2mil dollars house she expects starting out which is insane for a first time homebuyer. She can't contribute to the 2 million dollar house herself? Op mentioned she had a job. OP never answered whether she contributed to their current place so I am guessing that means 'no.'. I can't imagine why a well off successful man would want to marry such a demanding, entitled woman. The finance sounds beyond obnoxious. The ring he gave her wasn't good enough. Her wants were extremely lavish and she supposedly was devoted to her job, but would quit once she got married. Sounds like OP dodged a bullet and can find someone who is not into his money but into him.

I think it's fine that they broke up but this is revisionist af. OP said his fiancee still had her own apartment that she pays for, but had been staying at his (parents') place the last 2 months. She buys groceries but he pays his own "nominal" rent on the paid off apartment his parents own to his own parents.

Buys groceries..LOL. That's is nothing. OP flat out said she expected him to use his money to pay for the downpayment on their 2 million house. She works and can't contribute to her own potential house. Yeah, what a gal!

He said multiple times he's been saving 90% of his income specifically to pay for a house. Now if she says "so we'll use that money for a down payment" it's a crazy "demand"? He's living for basically free off his parents and saving a hoard. She's paying market rate on her apartment and paying for stuff around his house, on her own dime.

They shouldn't get married but he should look at his role in this debacle. He's in danger of becoming one of those FIRE fanatics that can't function in the real world, and I say that as someone who saves 50%+ of our HHI.

Sorry not seeing anywhere where OP mentions that his finance has an apartment of her own that she is paying for or that she pays for things around his house. I find it odd that a 30 year old woman with a job expects her finance to use the majority of his savings to pay for a down payment on their future house. She didn't even ask him, just assumed he would give her everything she wants without question. His budget is 1.5. She wants 2.5. She can't contribute financially for a down payment especially for a more expensive house? Why not? The other poster got it right. She wants a "Rich" husband that doesn't have a backbone and will spend money on whatever she wants. Now that OP pushed back on her wants, she balks. The 1.5 ring wasn't good enough, a 1.5 mil house isn't good enough. She demands a lot for someone who isn't contributing anything financially and I sincerely doubt she will be the type of SAHM that cleans that 2.5 house all by herself. She will have a maid, cook, nanny etc.

Read the thread:
Anonymous wrote:
You sound weak. She has clearly made a strategic decision by "breaking up" with you. She's playing chicken, testing to see if she can control you. She threatens that you'll lose her, banking on you begging her back. Please be strong. All of your friends and loved ones are right. She's wrong for you.

Questions:
--did she give the ring back?
--did you bring up her snarkiness about her friend's ring and the ring that you bought? if so, did she show any embarrassment about her behavior?
--how were bills in your joint household being handled these last several months? did she pay her fair share?


OP here.

- I asked for the ring back last night after she said she needed a break. She was pissed but gave it back.
- I didn’t say much about that to her.
- I paid for everything but she still and her own apartment and pays for all her personals. We have only been living together for two months. She would buy groceries and stuff for the house on occasion but I mostly paid for everything.

He also said he has been saving 90% of his income for "wedding, house, and a family" so why would she not assume that money was available for a down payment. Obviously they have to come to terms on what is the right size / location / cost for a house, but yes I would expect the 35 year old who has a huge savings account because mom and dad covered housing his whole life to have more to contribute to a down payment.

Also note that he says "I paid for everything [here's a list of all the things she actually paid for] I paid for everything." He's ignoring her contributions because it doesn't suit his narrative.

I won't expect him to pay more for the downpayment just b/c he has the means. You seem to be missing her sense of entitlement---she did not offer anything, she just expects it. Anyway, glad she gave the ring back OP. Hope everything turns out well for you OP.

Yeah, if you go around saying "I've been saving 90% of my income to buy a house" it's actually not crazy for the person you say that to to expect you to use that money to buy a house.

I wouldn't have proposed to her after she made fun of someone else's ring and said she wanted a big one. But OP sure did! OP has also glossed over what she does pay for repeatedly. You could say it's entitled of him to expect her to move in with him while she's still under lease somewhere else and still has to pay that rent. Why not move in with her, let your parents rent out their vacation condo or use it themselves, and stop leeching off of them? He didn't offer to do that, just expected her to come to him so he could keep his sweet no-rent deal. I'm glad she kept the apartment so she can leave easily. Hope everything turns out well for her.

OP here. I said she paid for groceries and household stuff on occasion. I never hid that fact.

She chose to move in with me because the condo is bigger than her apartment. She lives in a studio with very little room. We talked about getting our own place but decided to stay here because we can save enough more for our future.

I still pay my parents rent, pay for utilities, and do all the upkeep on the property at my own expense. I live cheaper than if I were to rent, but I still pay about 2k month in rent and utilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t realize this thread was still going.

I’ve had 4 other serious relationship. 3 in my twenties where it was serious but neither of us were at a point where we wanted to settle down at that age. My last was two years long and was very serious. I planned to marry her but ultimately she didn’t want kids and it ended. She felt like she needed to have kids because bed family was telling her that’s what is normal, but she told me when we were about to get engaged that she didn’t want kids, and didn’t feel right marrying me knowing I wanted kids. She said she loved me and didn’t want to lie to me. She tried to want those things but she just didn’t want kids. I loved her but I do want kids and decided it was best to end the relationship. That was two years ago and she has since married a man who also doesn’t want kids. We would be married today if she did want kids because she was an amazing partner and we got along very well.

I’ve lived in my parents paid off condo that they own but I have lived in with roommates and on my own when before moving in here two years ago. I’ve paid rent, paid utilities, and paid for my school on my own. I know how to function as an adult. I could have lived on more money, but I chose to save money because I want to make life easier for my future wife and kids.

I’m open to having a SAHM wife. My mother quit her job to raise me and my brother. I have a strong respect for women who want to stay home and I ultimately don’t care if my wife wants to stay home or work. I don’t mind supporting my family if my wife chooses to stay home. It’s just that she needs to understand that we can’t live beyond our means and have the most expensive everything. She will have full access to money and will never have to worry about looking over every expense. I’ve lived with my ex before this one for a year and never had an issue. I just want someone reasonable who will live within their means and not spend money or the point that we can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle.

I never said I would pay for the wedding and down payment, she just assumed. She was raised in an upper middle class family but she is not from a rich family. She does work and makes a good income. She does pay for her own apartment. I did pay for everything while we were together. When discussing finances, she just assumed I would pay for everything. We discussed my savings and I told her how I save most of my money because I want to be able to afford a house, have a wife who has the option to stay at home, have kids, etc. Besides groceries, she had never once paid for anything, and she just assumed I would pay for everything as well. I don’t mind paying for it, but the assumption that I would pay for it all feels like I’m being used.

I’m not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I just want someone who loves me and wants to be with me for more than what I can do for them. I want a real partner, not someone who sees me as their meal ticket. My parents have been married for over 40 years and have been an excellent example of what real love, commitment, and partnership is. I want that for my future kids.

“I want a wife who’s a SAHP, but I don’t want to have to support my wife while she’s a SAHP.”

Your hatred for men is showing. OP has said the exact opposite many times.

I don’t hate men, I just think OP is being disingenuous.

But do go on projecting your own sexism all over the place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well looks like this sorted itself. Rather than fake it through counseling to get her clutches into your $2 million, she left you and your money. Perhaps not so greedy and money hungry after all

At the end of the day, OP and his ex are not on the same page.

I would be hurt and sad if my fiancé wanted to call off the engagement. I probably would not understand the ring comment or the house.

When Dh proposed to me, the diamond was small. I didn’t like my ring at all. I guess the difference was that I didn’t say anything and we got married. I remember my divorced friend once told me that she knew she shouldn’t have married her ex when he proposed with a crappy ring he bought at the mall. I know she just said it out of hurt but there is some truth to it.

I think the fiancé was just too honest. I don’t think her feelings are unique. Wanting a nice ring, a nice house and wanting to stay home with the kids is a want many women have. Execution of how to get this will vary.

I remember when I had my first baby, some old grandmothers congratulationed me and made it seem like I sealed the deal. As if just being married wasn’t serious enough.

Oh please, your friend new by the type of ring her former husband bought her that the marriage wouldn't work out? Then, why did she get married? She couldn't help pitch in to get a better ring if this issues was such a dealbreaker.

The finance was a gold digger plain and simple. She expected the OP to pay for everything. She has a supposedly wealthy family, but they can't chip in and pay for their daughter's wedding? They can't contribute to the 2mil dollars house she expects starting out which is insane for a first time homebuyer. She can't contribute to the 2 million dollar house herself? Op mentioned she had a job. OP never answered whether she contributed to their current place so I am guessing that means 'no.'. I can't imagine why a well off successful man would want to marry such a demanding, entitled woman. The finance sounds beyond obnoxious. The ring he gave her wasn't good enough. Her wants were extremely lavish and she supposedly was devoted to her job, but would quit once she got married. Sounds like OP dodged a bullet and can find someone who is not into his money but into him.

I think it's fine that they broke up but this is revisionist af. OP said his fiancee still had her own apartment that she pays for, but had been staying at his (parents') place the last 2 months. She buys groceries but he pays his own "nominal" rent on the paid off apartment his parents own to his own parents.

Buys groceries..LOL. That's is nothing. OP flat out said she expected him to use his money to pay for the downpayment on their 2 million house. She works and can't contribute to her own potential house. Yeah, what a gal!

He said multiple times he's been saving 90% of his income specifically to pay for a house. Now if she says "so we'll use that money for a down payment" it's a crazy "demand"? He's living for basically free off his parents and saving a hoard. She's paying market rate on her apartment and paying for stuff around his house, on her own dime.

They shouldn't get married but he should look at his role in this debacle. He's in danger of becoming one of those FIRE fanatics that can't function in the real world, and I say that as someone who saves 50%+ of our HHI.

Sorry not seeing anywhere where OP mentions that his finance has an apartment of her own that she is paying for or that she pays for things around his house. I find it odd that a 30 year old woman with a job expects her finance to use the majority of his savings to pay for a down payment on their future house. She didn't even ask him, just assumed he would give her everything she wants without question. His budget is 1.5. She wants 2.5. She can't contribute financially for a down payment especially for a more expensive house? Why not? The other poster got it right. She wants a "Rich" husband that doesn't have a backbone and will spend money on whatever she wants. Now that OP pushed back on her wants, she balks. The 1.5 ring wasn't good enough, a 1.5 mil house isn't good enough. She demands a lot for someone who isn't contributing anything financially and I sincerely doubt she will be the type of SAHM that cleans that 2.5 house all by herself. She will have a maid, cook, nanny etc.

Read the thread:
Anonymous wrote:
You sound weak. She has clearly made a strategic decision by "breaking up" with you. She's playing chicken, testing to see if she can control you. She threatens that you'll lose her, banking on you begging her back. Please be strong. All of your friends and loved ones are right. She's wrong for you.

Questions:
--did she give the ring back?
--did you bring up her snarkiness about her friend's ring and the ring that you bought? if so, did she show any embarrassment about her behavior?
--how were bills in your joint household being handled these last several months? did she pay her fair share?


OP here.

- I asked for the ring back last night after she said she needed a break. She was pissed but gave it back.
- I didn’t say much about that to her.
- I paid for everything but she still and her own apartment and pays for all her personals. We have only been living together for two months. She would buy groceries and stuff for the house on occasion but I mostly paid for everything.

He also said he has been saving 90% of his income for "wedding, house, and a family" so why would she not assume that money was available for a down payment. Obviously they have to come to terms on what is the right size / location / cost for a house, but yes I would expect the 35 year old who has a huge savings account because mom and dad covered housing his whole life to have more to contribute to a down payment.

Also note that he says "I paid for everything [here's a list of all the things she actually paid for] I paid for everything." He's ignoring her contributions because it doesn't suit his narrative.

I won't expect him to pay more for the downpayment just b/c he has the means. You seem to be missing her sense of entitlement---she did not offer anything, she just expects it. Anyway, glad she gave the ring back OP. Hope everything turns out well for you OP.

Yeah, if you go around saying "I've been saving 90% of my income to buy a house" it's actually not crazy for the person you say that to to expect you to use that money to buy a house.

I wouldn't have proposed to her after she made fun of someone else's ring and said she wanted a big one. But OP sure did! OP has also glossed over what she does pay for repeatedly. You could say it's entitled of him to expect her to move in with him while she's still under lease somewhere else and still has to pay that rent. Why not move in with her, let your parents rent out their vacation condo or use it themselves, and stop leeching off of them? He didn't offer to do that, just expected her to come to him so he could keep his sweet no-rent deal. I'm glad she kept the apartment so she can leave easily. Hope everything turns out well for her.

OP here. I said she paid for groceries and household stuff on occasion. I never hid that fact.

She chose to move in with me because the condo is bigger than her apartment. She lives in a studio with very little room. We talked about getting our own place but decided to stay here because we can save enough more for our future.

I still pay my parents rent, pay for utilities, and do all the upkeep on the property at my own expense. I live cheaper than if I were to rent, but I still pay about 2k month in rent and utilities.

So she makes $200k a year, lives in a shithole apartment, has never paid for a single date, and has no savings? Where is all her money going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t realize this thread was still going.

I’ve had 4 other serious relationship. 3 in my twenties where it was serious but neither of us were at a point where we wanted to settle down at that age. My last was two years long and was very serious. I planned to marry her but ultimately she didn’t want kids and it ended. She felt like she needed to have kids because bed family was telling her that’s what is normal, but she told me when we were about to get engaged that she didn’t want kids, and didn’t feel right marrying me knowing I wanted kids. She said she loved me and didn’t want to lie to me. She tried to want those things but she just didn’t want kids. I loved her but I do want kids and decided it was best to end the relationship. That was two years ago and she has since married a man who also doesn’t want kids. We would be married today if she did want kids because she was an amazing partner and we got along very well.

I’ve lived in my parents paid off condo that they own but I have lived in with roommates and on my own when before moving in here two years ago. I’ve paid rent, paid utilities, and paid for my school on my own. I know how to function as an adult. I could have lived on more money, but I chose to save money because I want to make life easier for my future wife and kids.

I’m open to having a SAHM wife. My mother quit her job to raise me and my brother. I have a strong respect for women who want to stay home and I ultimately don’t care if my wife wants to stay home or work. I don’t mind supporting my family if my wife chooses to stay home. It’s just that she needs to understand that we can’t live beyond our means and have the most expensive everything. She will have full access to money and will never have to worry about looking over every expense. I’ve lived with my ex before this one for a year and never had an issue. I just want someone reasonable who will live within their means and not spend money or the point that we can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle.

I never said I would pay for the wedding and down payment, she just assumed. She was raised in an upper middle class family but she is not from a rich family. She does work and makes a good income. She does pay for her own apartment. I did pay for everything while we were together. When discussing finances, she just assumed I would pay for everything. We discussed my savings and I told her how I save most of my money because I want to be able to afford a house, have a wife who has the option to stay at home, have kids, etc. Besides groceries, she had never once paid for anything, and she just assumed I would pay for everything as well. I don’t mind paying for it, but the assumption that I would pay for it all feels like I’m being used.

I’m not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I just want someone who loves me and wants to be with me for more than what I can do for them. I want a real partner, not someone who sees me as their meal ticket. My parents have been married for over 40 years and have been an excellent example of what real love, commitment, and partnership is. I want that for my future kids.

She already paid her own rent. She lived with you for two months, in a condo that you do not have to pay rent on, and paid for groceries and "household things" (of course now you're erasing that as well). What did you want her to do, pay rent to you and for her apartment, when you live in a paid-off condo as a gift from your parents? Where is the money you think she owes you? Should she have taken over the light bill in addition to her own bills, while you save 90% of your income for a house? The more you post the crazier it seems that you're trying to paint her as a gold digger. You bought her a ring, which she gave back. Beyond that I don't see where she got any gold, but she did dodge a bullet.

I think you have something pathological going on with your savings. You like seeing it grow but are very upset at the idea of using it for its intended purpose. You say you were saving for a house, wedding, for your wife to be a SAHM, about half a dozen times in this thread. But when you propose to a woman who wants to buy a house and to stay at home after kids are born, you decide that she's materialistic for wanting the things you profess to want yourself. You can keep blaming her but you're the one who proposed to this person, and no she did not change her mind between making fun of someone else's ring for being small, telling you she wanted a big ring, and then telling you she wanted a bigger ring than what you bought. There's no change there. That's the same woman, behaving in the same way. The one you proposed to.

Are you being intentionally stupid or are you really that dense?

OP didn’t have an issue with buying a house - only that she wanted a house 1m more than he wanted. He budgeted for 1.5m and she wanted a 2.5m house.

He bought her a 20k 1.5 carat ring that she deemed “ too small”.

This is a woman who clearly wants to live an expensive life on OPs dime while complaining it’s never enough. The vast majority of 30 year old women would be happy with a 1.5 carat ring, 1.5m, and a man who makes 400k and has 2m in savings who wants to get married, have kids, and will support her decision to stay at home if she chooses. His ex is the unreasonable one.

+1. OP needs to find someone else. Most women will be thrilled with a man like OP what he can offer them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t realize this thread was still going.

I’ve had 4 other serious relationship. 3 in my twenties where it was serious but neither of us were at a point where we wanted to settle down at that age. My last was two years long and was very serious. I planned to marry her but ultimately she didn’t want kids and it ended. She felt like she needed to have kids because bed family was telling her that’s what is normal, but she told me when we were about to get engaged that she didn’t want kids, and didn’t feel right marrying me knowing I wanted kids. She said she loved me and didn’t want to lie to me. She tried to want those things but she just didn’t want kids. I loved her but I do want kids and decided it was best to end the relationship. That was two years ago and she has since married a man who also doesn’t want kids. We would be married today if she did want kids because she was an amazing partner and we got along very well.

I’ve lived in my parents paid off condo that they own but I have lived in with roommates and on my own when before moving in here two years ago. I’ve paid rent, paid utilities, and paid for my school on my own. I know how to function as an adult. I could have lived on more money, but I chose to save money because I want to make life easier for my future wife and kids.

I’m open to having a SAHM wife. My mother quit her job to raise me and my brother. I have a strong respect for women who want to stay home and I ultimately don’t care if my wife wants to stay home or work. I don’t mind supporting my family if my wife chooses to stay home. It’s just that she needs to understand that we can’t live beyond our means and have the most expensive everything. She will have full access to money and will never have to worry about looking over every expense. I’ve lived with my ex before this one for a year and never had an issue. I just want someone reasonable who will live within their means and not spend money or the point that we can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle.

I never said I would pay for the wedding and down payment, she just assumed. She was raised in an upper middle class family but she is not from a rich family. She does work and makes a good income. She does pay for her own apartment. I did pay for everything while we were together. When discussing finances, she just assumed I would pay for everything. We discussed my savings and I told her how I save most of my money because I want to be able to afford a house, have a wife who has the option to stay at home, have kids, etc. Besides groceries, she had never once paid for anything, and she just assumed I would pay for everything as well. I don’t mind paying for it, but the assumption that I would pay for it all feels like I’m being used.

I’m not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I just want someone who loves me and wants to be with me for more than what I can do for them. I want a real partner, not someone who sees me as their meal ticket. My parents have been married for over 40 years and have been an excellent example of what real love, commitment, and partnership is. I want that for my future kids.

She already paid her own rent. She lived with you for two months, in a condo that you do not have to pay rent on, and paid for groceries and "household things" (of course now you're erasing that as well). What did you want her to do, pay rent to you and for her apartment, when you live in a paid-off condo as a gift from your parents? Where is the money you think she owes you? Should she have taken over the light bill in addition to her own bills, while you save 90% of your income for a house? The more you post the crazier it seems that you're trying to paint her as a gold digger. You bought her a ring, which she gave back. Beyond that I don't see where she got any gold, but she did dodge a bullet.

I think you have something pathological going on with your savings. You like seeing it grow but are very upset at the idea of using it for its intended purpose. You say you were saving for a house, wedding, for your wife to be a SAHM, about half a dozen times in this thread. But when you propose to a woman who wants to buy a house and to stay at home after kids are born, you decide that she's materialistic for wanting the things you profess to want yourself. You can keep blaming her but you're the one who proposed to this person, and no she did not change her mind between making fun of someone else's ring for being small, telling you she wanted a big ring, and then telling you she wanted a bigger ring than what you bought. There's no change there. That's the same woman, behaving in the same way. The one you proposed to.

Are you being intentionally stupid or are you really that dense?

OP didn’t have an issue with buying a house - only that she wanted a house 1m more than he wanted. He budgeted for 1.5m and she wanted a 2.5m house.

He bought her a 20k 1.5 carat ring that she deemed “ too small”.

This is a woman who clearly wants to live an expensive life on OPs dime while complaining it’s never enough. The vast majority of 30 year old women would be happy with a 1.5 carat ring, 1.5m, and a man who makes 400k and has 2m in savings who wants to get married, have kids, and will support her decision to stay at home if she chooses. His ex is the unreasonable one.

+1. OP needs to find someone else. Most women will be thrilled with a man like OP what he can offer them.

And yet, despite five serious relationships and several casual relationships, OP still hasn’t found one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t realize this thread was still going.

I’ve had 4 other serious relationship. 3 in my twenties where it was serious but neither of us were at a point where we wanted to settle down at that age. My last was two years long and was very serious. I planned to marry her but ultimately she didn’t want kids and it ended. She felt like she needed to have kids because bed family was telling her that’s what is normal, but she told me when we were about to get engaged that she didn’t want kids, and didn’t feel right marrying me knowing I wanted kids. She said she loved me and didn’t want to lie to me. She tried to want those things but she just didn’t want kids. I loved her but I do want kids and decided it was best to end the relationship. That was two years ago and she has since married a man who also doesn’t want kids. We would be married today if she did want kids because she was an amazing partner and we got along very well.

I’ve lived in my parents paid off condo that they own but I have lived in with roommates and on my own when before moving in here two years ago. I’ve paid rent, paid utilities, and paid for my school on my own. I know how to function as an adult. I could have lived on more money, but I chose to save money because I want to make life easier for my future wife and kids.

I’m open to having a SAHM wife. My mother quit her job to raise me and my brother. I have a strong respect for women who want to stay home and I ultimately don’t care if my wife wants to stay home or work. I don’t mind supporting my family if my wife chooses to stay home. It’s just that she needs to understand that we can’t live beyond our means and have the most expensive everything. She will have full access to money and will never have to worry about looking over every expense. I’ve lived with my ex before this one for a year and never had an issue. I just want someone reasonable who will live within their means and not spend money or the point that we can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle.

I never said I would pay for the wedding and down payment, she just assumed. She was raised in an upper middle class family but she is not from a rich family. She does work and makes a good income. She does pay for her own apartment. I did pay for everything while we were together. When discussing finances, she just assumed I would pay for everything. We discussed my savings and I told her how I save most of my money because I want to be able to afford a house, have a wife who has the option to stay at home, have kids, etc. Besides groceries, she had never once paid for anything, and she just assumed I would pay for everything as well. I don’t mind paying for it, but the assumption that I would pay for it all feels like I’m being used.

I’m not perfect and I don’t pretend to be. I just want someone who loves me and wants to be with me for more than what I can do for them. I want a real partner, not someone who sees me as their meal ticket. My parents have been married for over 40 years and have been an excellent example of what real love, commitment, and partnership is. I want that for my future kids.

She already paid her own rent. She lived with you for two months, in a condo that you do not have to pay rent on, and paid for groceries and "household things" (of course now you're erasing that as well). What did you want her to do, pay rent to you and for her apartment, when you live in a paid-off condo as a gift from your parents? Where is the money you think she owes you? Should she have taken over the light bill in addition to her own bills, while you save 90% of your income for a house? The more you post the crazier it seems that you're trying to paint her as a gold digger. You bought her a ring, which she gave back. Beyond that I don't see where she got any gold, but she did dodge a bullet.

I think you have something pathological going on with your savings. You like seeing it grow but are very upset at the idea of using it for its intended purpose. You say you were saving for a house, wedding, for your wife to be a SAHM, about half a dozen times in this thread. But when you propose to a woman who wants to buy a house and to stay at home after kids are born, you decide that she's materialistic for wanting the things you profess to want yourself. You can keep blaming her but you're the one who proposed to this person, and no she did not change her mind between making fun of someone else's ring for being small, telling you she wanted a big ring, and then telling you she wanted a bigger ring than what you bought. There's no change there. That's the same woman, behaving in the same way. The one you proposed to.

OP here. I never requested she pay for anything in the house. I know she had her own expenses. She did buy groceries and some household stuff on occasion. I paid for everything else. She had never once during our relationship paid for a date or an outing. We had gone on two vacations and I paid for everything. She didn’t buy me a gift for my bday or valentines days but I bought her expensive gifts for both. She gave me a bottle of wine for Christmas and homemade brownies. She makes $200k and has the means to support herself.

I paid for almost everything with my ex ex before this because I was raised that men are the main providers. She still made an effort to pay for dinner on occasion or buy me presents for my birthday.

The gesture is the important part for me. I didn’t think it was an issue then but now I’m starting to see that it was a problem. This is coming from women who have told me that she is a gold digger. I never once called her or that or thought she was one. I still don’t think she is. I just think we have different ideas of lifestyle we want and she is looking for man who will pay for everything for her.

OP, did you really have no clue that she wanted a different lifestyle than you are willing to contribute to? Does she wear cheap, frumpy clothes, no jewelry, hair only gets cut every six months, carrying an extra 10 pounds because she doesn’t want to pay for a gym or even new running shoes, living in a cheap crummy apartment and never spending money to socialize with friends?

You do realize many people have nice clothes, work out, and socialize with friends without having a high HHI? You don’t sound very smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well looks like this sorted itself. Rather than fake it through counseling to get her clutches into your $2 million, she left you and your money. Perhaps not so greedy and money hungry after all

At the end of the day, OP and his ex are not on the same page.

I would be hurt and sad if my fiancé wanted to call off the engagement. I probably would not understand the ring comment or the house.

When Dh proposed to me, the diamond was small. I didn’t like my ring at all. I guess the difference was that I didn’t say anything and we got married. I remember my divorced friend once told me that she knew she shouldn’t have married her ex when he proposed with a crappy ring he bought at the mall. I know she just said it out of hurt but there is some truth to it.

I think the fiancé was just too honest. I don’t think her feelings are unique. Wanting a nice ring, a nice house and wanting to stay home with the kids is a want many women have. Execution of how to get this will vary.

I remember when I had my first baby, some old grandmothers congratulationed me and made it seem like I sealed the deal. As if just being married wasn’t serious enough.

Oh please, your friend new by the type of ring her former husband bought her that the marriage wouldn't work out? Then, why did she get married? She couldn't help pitch in to get a better ring if this issues was such a dealbreaker.

The finance was a gold digger plain and simple. She expected the OP to pay for everything. She has a supposedly wealthy family, but they can't chip in and pay for their daughter's wedding? They can't contribute to the 2mil dollars house she expects starting out which is insane for a first time homebuyer. She can't contribute to the 2 million dollar house herself? Op mentioned she had a job. OP never answered whether she contributed to their current place so I am guessing that means 'no.'. I can't imagine why a well off successful man would want to marry such a demanding, entitled woman. The finance sounds beyond obnoxious. The ring he gave her wasn't good enough. Her wants were extremely lavish and she supposedly was devoted to her job, but would quit once she got married. Sounds like OP dodged a bullet and can find someone who is not into his money but into him.

I think it's fine that they broke up but this is revisionist af. OP said his fiancee still had her own apartment that she pays for, but had been staying at his (parents') place the last 2 months. She buys groceries but he pays his own "nominal" rent on the paid off apartment his parents own to his own parents.

Buys groceries..LOL. That's is nothing. OP flat out said she expected him to use his money to pay for the downpayment on their 2 million house. She works and can't contribute to her own potential house. Yeah, what a gal!

He said multiple times he's been saving 90% of his income specifically to pay for a house. Now if she says "so we'll use that money for a down payment" it's a crazy "demand"? He's living for basically free off his parents and saving a hoard. She's paying market rate on her apartment and paying for stuff around his house, on her own dime.

They shouldn't get married but he should look at his role in this debacle. He's in danger of becoming one of those FIRE fanatics that can't function in the real world, and I say that as someone who saves 50%+ of our HHI.

Sorry not seeing anywhere where OP mentions that his finance has an apartment of her own that she is paying for or that she pays for things around his house. I find it odd that a 30 year old woman with a job expects her finance to use the majority of his savings to pay for a down payment on their future house. She didn't even ask him, just assumed he would give her everything she wants without question. His budget is 1.5. She wants 2.5. She can't contribute financially for a down payment especially for a more expensive house? Why not? The other poster got it right. She wants a "Rich" husband that doesn't have a backbone and will spend money on whatever she wants. Now that OP pushed back on her wants, she balks. The 1.5 ring wasn't good enough, a 1.5 mil house isn't good enough. She demands a lot for someone who isn't contributing anything financially and I sincerely doubt she will be the type of SAHM that cleans that 2.5 house all by herself. She will have a maid, cook, nanny etc.

Read the thread:
Anonymous wrote:
You sound weak. She has clearly made a strategic decision by "breaking up" with you. She's playing chicken, testing to see if she can control you. She threatens that you'll lose her, banking on you begging her back. Please be strong. All of your friends and loved ones are right. She's wrong for you.

Questions:
--did she give the ring back?
--did you bring up her snarkiness about her friend's ring and the ring that you bought? if so, did she show any embarrassment about her behavior?
--how were bills in your joint household being handled these last several months? did she pay her fair share?


OP here.

- I asked for the ring back last night after she said she needed a break. She was pissed but gave it back.
- I didn’t say much about that to her.
- I paid for everything but she still and her own apartment and pays for all her personals. We have only been living together for two months. She would buy groceries and stuff for the house on occasion but I mostly paid for everything.

He also said he has been saving 90% of his income for "wedding, house, and a family" so why would she not assume that money was available for a down payment. Obviously they have to come to terms on what is the right size / location / cost for a house, but yes I would expect the 35 year old who has a huge savings account because mom and dad covered housing his whole life to have more to contribute to a down payment.

Also note that he says "I paid for everything [here's a list of all the things she actually paid for] I paid for everything." He's ignoring her contributions because it doesn't suit his narrative.

I won't expect him to pay more for the downpayment just b/c he has the means. You seem to be missing her sense of entitlement---she did not offer anything, she just expects it. Anyway, glad she gave the ring back OP. Hope everything turns out well for you OP.

Yeah, if you go around saying "I've been saving 90% of my income to buy a house" it's actually not crazy for the person you say that to to expect you to use that money to buy a house.

I wouldn't have proposed to her after she made fun of someone else's ring and said she wanted a big one. But OP sure did! OP has also glossed over what she does pay for repeatedly. You could say it's entitled of him to expect her to move in with him while she's still under lease somewhere else and still has to pay that rent. Why not move in with her, let your parents rent out their vacation condo or use it themselves, and stop leeching off of them? He didn't offer to do that, just expected her to come to him so he could keep his sweet no-rent deal. I'm glad she kept the apartment so she can leave easily. Hope everything turns out well for her.

OP here. I said she paid for groceries and household stuff on occasion. I never hid that fact.

She chose to move in with me because the condo is bigger than her apartment. She lives in a studio with very little room. We talked about getting our own place but decided to stay here because we can save enough more for our future.

I still pay my parents rent, pay for utilities, and do all the upkeep on the property at my own expense. I live cheaper than if I were to rent, but I still pay about 2k month in rent and utilities.

So she makes $200k a year, lives in a shithole apartment, has never paid for a single date, and has no savings? Where is all her money going?

OP here. Her studio is very nice and in a very nice part of town and in a nice building. It’s just very small and she pays about $1800 + utilities. She does have savings. She spends quite a bit of money on vacations, going out, and her car.