the cost of working - SAHM vs WOHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is gender equality here? If I was the breadwinner husband and if my wife decided not to work anymore, I think I would lose some respect for her. Will most of those marriages end when one of the sides hit a mid life crisis?

By our third date, my husband was telling me he only wanted to marry a woman who would continue to work after marriage and kids. I appreciate his forthrightness and as I never had any interest in SAH, we ended up getting married and being dual WOHP. My guess is that most people discuss this extensively with prospective spouses.

I didn't want to be a SAHM but I wouldn't marry that guy.

Your choice, of course. I've been married to "that guy" for 25 years.

I have been married to another “that guy” for 20+ years too. My DH explained that he wanted to build a life with a partner who would work since he didn’t like seeing his Dad stress about a job loss and his mom go out to scrape together work to pay the bills. I am sure if it were a real issue (I felt really strongly after childbirth for some reason, I couldn’t find a job in the same city, we had elder care or SN child issues that we hadn’t accounted for), we’d have had a conversation and figured things out. But having a man explain to you that his vision for his life matched your vision for your life is a good thing, you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is gender equality here? If I was the breadwinner husband and if my wife decided not to work anymore, I think I would lose some respect for her. Will most of those marriages end when one of the sides hit a mid life crisis?

By our third date, my husband was telling me he only wanted to marry a woman who would continue to work after marriage and kids. I appreciate his forthrightness and as I never had any interest in SAH, we ended up getting married and being dual WOHP. My guess is that most people discuss this extensively with prospective spouses.

Huh. My husband said the same thing when we were dating. We agreed that we would both work part time, 70-80%, have plenty of money and plenty of time. Fast forward to kids coming, and his career started taking off, and he had no interest in mommy tracking and going part time.

Sometimes the things you agree on when you are dating don't really mesh with what happens in real life when you get there. Not everyone needs to be held to whatever they say "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" style on a third date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is gender equality here? If I was the breadwinner husband and if my wife decided not to work anymore, I think I would lose some respect for her. Will most of those marriages end when one of the sides hit a mid life crisis?

By our third date, my husband was telling me he only wanted to marry a woman who would continue to work after marriage and kids. I appreciate his forthrightness and as I never had any interest in SAH, we ended up getting married and being dual WOHP. My guess is that most people discuss this extensively with prospective spouses.

I didn't want to be a SAHM but I wouldn't marry that guy.

Your choice, of course. I've been married to "that guy" for 25 years.

I have been married to another “that guy” for 20+ years too. My DH explained that he wanted to build a life with a partner who would work since he didn’t like seeing his Dad stress about a job loss and his mom go out to scrape together work to pay the bills. I am sure if it were a real issue (I felt really strongly after childbirth for some reason, I couldn’t find a job in the same city, we had elder care or SN child issues that we hadn’t accounted for), we’d have had a conversation and figured things out. But having a man explain to you that his vision for his life matched your vision for your life is a good thing, you know?

What if he just got offered a really great promotion, and he wanted to work 80 hours a week and make tons of money? Or he realized that he hated his job and wanted to switch to something that was less family friendly? The only way that either of you are allowed to make a change in your life from the time you are dating until you die is having elder care issues or a special needs child? No one can just want to do something different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is gender equality here? If I was the breadwinner husband and if my wife decided not to work anymore, I think I would lose some respect for her. Will most of those marriages end when one of the sides hit a mid life crisis?

By our third date, my husband was telling me he only wanted to marry a woman who would continue to work after marriage and kids. I appreciate his forthrightness and as I never had any interest in SAH, we ended up getting married and being dual WOHP. My guess is that most people discuss this extensively with prospective spouses.

I didn't want to be a SAHM but I wouldn't marry that guy.

Your choice, of course. I've been married to "that guy" for 25 years.

I have been married to another “that guy” for 20+ years too. My DH explained that he wanted to build a life with a partner who would work since he didn’t like seeing his Dad stress about a job loss and his mom go out to scrape together work to pay the bills. I am sure if it were a real issue (I felt really strongly after childbirth for some reason, I couldn’t find a job in the same city, we had elder care or SN child issues that we hadn’t accounted for), we’d have had a conversation and figured things out. But having a man explain to you that his vision for his life matched your vision for your life is a good thing, you know?

What if he just got offered a really great promotion, and he wanted to work 80 hours a week and make tons of money? Or he realized that he hated his job and wanted to switch to something that was less family friendly? The only way that either of you are allowed to make a change in your life from the time you are dating until you die is having elder care issues or a special needs child? No one can just want to do something different?

Woman here with heavy work hours but also earning 50% more than the DH. When I took my new role, I promised that my home commitments would not suffer. Why can't a guy do the same thing? We have been operating 50-50 well in the last 5 years. Besides both of us spending time with the kids, my DH has hobbies and I have just extra work that I need to spend time on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is gender equality here? If I was the breadwinner husband and if my wife decided not to work anymore, I think I would lose some respect for her. Will most of those marriages end when one of the sides hit a mid life crisis?

By our third date, my husband was telling me he only wanted to marry a woman who would continue to work after marriage and kids. I appreciate his forthrightness and as I never had any interest in SAH, we ended up getting married and being dual WOHP. My guess is that most people discuss this extensively with prospective spouses.

Huh. My husband said the same thing when we were dating. We agreed that we would both work part time, 70-80%, have plenty of money and plenty of time. Fast forward to kids coming, and his career started taking off, and he had no interest in mommy tracking and going part time.

Sometimes the things you agree on when you are dating don't really mesh with what happens in real life when you get there. Not everyone needs to be held to whatever they say "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" style on a third date.

Of course, not held to it, but it's nice when people are clear in their own heads and with their partners before they decide they are mature enough to marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is gender equality here? If I was the breadwinner husband and if my wife decided not to work anymore, I think I would lose some respect for her. Will most of those marriages end when one of the sides hit a mid life crisis?

By our third date, my husband was telling me he only wanted to marry a woman who would continue to work after marriage and kids. I appreciate his forthrightness and as I never had any interest in SAH, we ended up getting married and being dual WOHP. My guess is that most people discuss this extensively with prospective spouses.

I didn't want to be a SAHM but I wouldn't marry that guy.

Your choice, of course. I've been married to "that guy" for 25 years.

I have been married to another “that guy” for 20+ years too. My DH explained that he wanted to build a life with a partner who would work since he didn’t like seeing his Dad stress about a job loss and his mom go out to scrape together work to pay the bills. I am sure if it were a real issue (I felt really strongly after childbirth for some reason, I couldn’t find a job in the same city, we had elder care or SN child issues that we hadn’t accounted for), we’d have had a conversation and figured things out. But having a man explain to you that his vision for his life matched your vision for your life is a good thing, you know?

What if he just got offered a really great promotion, and he wanted to work 80 hours a week and make tons of money? Or he realized that he hated his job and wanted to switch to something that was less family friendly? The only way that either of you are allowed to make a change in your life from the time you are dating until you die is having elder care issues or a special needs child? No one can just want to do something different?

Of course people can want to do something different, especially if their partner is flexible and hasn't based their WOH/SAH decision on their partner's stated desires. I have several friends whose husbands burned out, and those friends are back to work PT or working their way to FT WOH to accommodate their husbands' desire to work less and less intensively. We got married in our 30s so less chance of us changing our minds then people who get married younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is gender equality here? If I was the breadwinner husband and if my wife decided not to work anymore, I think I would lose some respect for her. Will most of those marriages end when one of the sides hit a mid life crisis?

By our third date, my husband was telling me he only wanted to marry a woman who would continue to work after marriage and kids. I appreciate his forthrightness and as I never had any interest in SAH, we ended up getting married and being dual WOHP. My guess is that most people discuss this extensively with prospective spouses.

I didn't want to be a SAHM but I wouldn't marry that guy.

Your choice, of course. I've been married to "that guy" for 25 years.

I have been married to another “that guy” for 20+ years too. My DH explained that he wanted to build a life with a partner who would work since he didn’t like seeing his Dad stress about a job loss and his mom go out to scrape together work to pay the bills. I am sure if it were a real issue (I felt really strongly after childbirth for some reason, I couldn’t find a job in the same city, we had elder care or SN child issues that we hadn’t accounted for), we’d have had a conversation and figured things out. But having a man explain to you that his vision for his life matched your vision for your life is a good thing, you know?

What if he just got offered a really great promotion, and he wanted to work 80 hours a week and make tons of money? Or he realized that he hated his job and wanted to switch to something that was less family friendly? The only way that either of you are allowed to make a change in your life from the time you are dating until you die is having elder care issues or a special needs child? No one can just want to do something different?

Woman here with heavy work hours but also earning 50% more than the DH. When I took my new role, I promised that my home commitments would not suffer. Why can't a guy do the same thing? We have been operating 50-50 well in the last 5 years. Besides both of us spending time with the kids, my DH has hobbies and I have just extra work that I need to spend time on.

Same. Women do this all the time, you just don't see it because they aren't advertising it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is gender equality here? If I was the breadwinner husband and if my wife decided not to work anymore, I think I would lose some respect for her. Will most of those marriages end when one of the sides hit a mid life crisis?

By our third date, my husband was telling me he only wanted to marry a woman who would continue to work after marriage and kids. I appreciate his forthrightness and as I never had any interest in SAH, we ended up getting married and being dual WOHP. My guess is that most people discuss this extensively with prospective spouses.

I didn't want to be a SAHM but I wouldn't marry that guy.

Your choice, of course. I've been married to "that guy" for 25 years.

I have been married to another “that guy” for 20+ years too. My DH explained that he wanted to build a life with a partner who would work since he didn’t like seeing his Dad stress about a job loss and his mom go out to scrape together work to pay the bills. I am sure if it were a real issue (I felt really strongly after childbirth for some reason, I couldn’t find a job in the same city, we had elder care or SN child issues that we hadn’t accounted for), we’d have had a conversation and figured things out. But having a man explain to you that his vision for his life matched your vision for your life is a good thing, you know?

What if he just got offered a really great promotion, and he wanted to work 80 hours a week and make tons of money? Or he realized that he hated his job and wanted to switch to something that was less family friendly? The only way that either of you are allowed to make a change in your life from the time you are dating until you die is having elder care issues or a special needs child? No one can just want to do something different?

Woman here with heavy work hours but also earning 50% more than the DH. When I took my new role, I promised that my home commitments would not suffer. Why can't a guy do the same thing? We have been operating 50-50 well in the last 5 years. Besides both of us spending time with the kids, my DH has hobbies and I have just extra work that I need to spend time on.

Same. Women do this all the time, you just don't see it because they aren't advertising it.

Just out of curiosity, what does your day to day look like? I would like to go back to work full time, but my husband works long hours, and I can’t really figure out how to make it work.
He typically works 7am-6pm with two days off every other week. Sometimes they fall on a weekend, but not always.
Kids are elementary school and middle school ages. Oldest has some minor special needs and homeschools.
Right now I work 20-30 hours/week, but I don’t see how I could take a time intensive job or even a serious hobby. I would like to start coaching high school again, but I don’t see how I can make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is gender equality here? If I was the breadwinner husband and if my wife decided not to work anymore, I think I would lose some respect for her. Will most of those marriages end when one of the sides hit a mid life crisis?

By our third date, my husband was telling me he only wanted to marry a woman who would continue to work after marriage and kids. I appreciate his forthrightness and as I never had any interest in SAH, we ended up getting married and being dual WOHP. My guess is that most people discuss this extensively with prospective spouses.

I didn't want to be a SAHM but I wouldn't marry that guy.

Your choice, of course. I've been married to "that guy" for 25 years.

I have been married to another “that guy” for 20+ years too. My DH explained that he wanted to build a life with a partner who would work since he didn’t like seeing his Dad stress about a job loss and his mom go out to scrape together work to pay the bills. I am sure if it were a real issue (I felt really strongly after childbirth for some reason, I couldn’t find a job in the same city, we had elder care or SN child issues that we hadn’t accounted for), we’d have had a conversation and figured things out. But having a man explain to you that his vision for his life matched your vision for your life is a good thing, you know?

What if he just got offered a really great promotion, and he wanted to work 80 hours a week and make tons of money? Or he realized that he hated his job and wanted to switch to something that was less family friendly? The only way that either of you are allowed to make a change in your life from the time you are dating until you die is having elder care issues or a special needs child? No one can just want to do something different?

Woman here with heavy work hours but also earning 50% more than the DH. When I took my new role, I promised that my home commitments would not suffer. Why can't a guy do the same thing? We have been operating 50-50 well in the last 5 years. Besides both of us spending time with the kids, my DH has hobbies and I have just extra work that I need to spend time on.

Same. Women do this all the time, you just don't see it because they aren't advertising it.

Just out of curiosity, what does your day to day look like? I would like to go back to work full time, but my husband works long hours, and I can’t really figure out how to make it work.
He typically works 7am-6pm with two days off every other week. Sometimes they fall on a weekend, but not always.
Kids are elementary school and middle school ages. Oldest has some minor special needs and homeschools.
Right now I work 20-30 hours/week, but I don’t see how I could take a time intensive job or even a serious hobby. I would like to start coaching high school again, but I don’t see how I can make it work.

Here is how we do it: We know which one of us will drop off the kids and which one will pick up for a given week based on our calendars. Usually the drop off person does not do the pick up. So, say I did the drop off, which I do around 8 am and then go to work, I usually stay at the work until 5:30 pm or so. My DH that day starts working at 7 am and does pick ups around/before 4pm. I am responsible for the breakfasts and he is for the dinners. We don't cook from scratch everyday, prepare couple dishes over the weekend and also do healthy takeaway options during the week. If the kids have a sports/arts activity after school, the person to pick up also deals with that. When it is my turn to do sports activities, I actually continue to work at the entrance/cafe area of the sportshall. I sometimes get evening meeting calls, then I leave maybe an hour early because I will spend a couple hours later in that evening call. After the kids go to bed, which is around 8:30 pm, my DH is back to his hobby and I do maybe another hour of work (30% of the time). When none of us can do a pick up, we call a couple college students asking if they can pick up the kids. This has been working for us well. And when we work from home, we usually save an hour of commute. When I travel, I arrange the pick ups by the babysitter, so that my DH's usual routine does not get disturbed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is gender equality here? If I was the breadwinner husband and if my wife decided not to work anymore, I think I would lose some respect for her. Will most of those marriages end when one of the sides hit a mid life crisis?

By our third date, my husband was telling me he only wanted to marry a woman who would continue to work after marriage and kids. I appreciate his forthrightness and as I never had any interest in SAH, we ended up getting married and being dual WOHP. My guess is that most people discuss this extensively with prospective spouses.

I didn't want to be a SAHM but I wouldn't marry that guy.

Your choice, of course. I've been married to "that guy" for 25 years.

I have been married to another “that guy” for 20+ years too. My DH explained that he wanted to build a life with a partner who would work since he didn’t like seeing his Dad stress about a job loss and his mom go out to scrape together work to pay the bills. I am sure if it were a real issue (I felt really strongly after childbirth for some reason, I couldn’t find a job in the same city, we had elder care or SN child issues that we hadn’t accounted for), we’d have had a conversation and figured things out. But having a man explain to you that his vision for his life matched your vision for your life is a good thing, you know?

What if he just got offered a really great promotion, and he wanted to work 80 hours a week and make tons of money? Or he realized that he hated his job and wanted to switch to something that was less family friendly? The only way that either of you are allowed to make a change in your life from the time you are dating until you die is having elder care issues or a special needs child? No one can just want to do something different?

Woman here with heavy work hours but also earning 50% more than the DH. When I took my new role, I promised that my home commitments would not suffer. Why can't a guy do the same thing? We have been operating 50-50 well in the last 5 years. Besides both of us spending time with the kids, my DH has hobbies and I have just extra work that I need to spend time on.

Same. Women do this all the time, you just don't see it because they aren't advertising it.

Just out of curiosity, what does your day to day look like? I would like to go back to work full time, but my husband works long hours, and I can’t really figure out how to make it work.
He typically works 7am-6pm with two days off every other week. Sometimes they fall on a weekend, but not always.
Kids are elementary school and middle school ages. Oldest has some minor special needs and homeschools.
Right now I work 20-30 hours/week, but I don’t see how I could take a time intensive job or even a serious hobby. I would like to start coaching high school again, but I don’t see how I can make it work.

Here is how we do it: We know which one of us will drop off the kids and which one will pick up for a given week based on our calendars. Usually the drop off person does not do the pick up. So, say I did the drop off, which I do around 8 am and then go to work, I usually stay at the work until 5:30 pm or so. My DH that day starts working at 7 am and does pick ups around/before 4pm. I am responsible for the breakfasts and he is for the dinners. We don't cook from scratch everyday, prepare couple dishes over the weekend and also do healthy takeaway options during the week. If the kids have a sports/arts activity after school, the person to pick up also deals with that. When it is my turn to do sports activities, I actually continue to work at the entrance/cafe area of the sportshall. I sometimes get evening meeting calls, then I leave maybe an hour early because I will spend a couple hours later in that evening call. After the kids go to bed, which is around 8:30 pm, my DH is back to his hobby and I do maybe another hour of work (30% of the time). When none of us can do a pick up, we call a couple college students asking if they can pick up the kids. This has been working for us well. And when we work from home, we usually save an hour of commute. When I travel, I arrange the pick ups by the babysitter, so that my DH's usual routine does not get disturbed.

I am happy for you that you make this work but it sounds like hell to me. Also requires very specific jobs where you can set your hours easily— neither of you is a doctor, litigator, teacher, journalist, etc.

But it’s good you found each other snd this works for both of you. A good reminder why what works for one person can’t be a prescription for the next, though.

[Anonymous]

Daycare - $550 (550 would be from DH's portion)
Commute - Gas, wear and tear - $100
Parking - $0 no fee for mw
Cleaning Services - $125 (125 comes out of DH paycheck since he uses and likes a clean home)
Clothing - none - I don't buy work attire anymore, it's casual all the time
Drycleaning - 0 - do not buy clothes that need drycleaning
Lunches - $100 (only because I like going on happy hours for my own adult sanity)
Coffees/Breakfast on the Run - 0 -
Takeout - $150 (another 150 comes from DH's paycheck since he eats as well)

My girls watching me and learning the importance of being financially independent - priceless

[Anonymous]

Daycare - $550 (another 550 would be from DH's portion)
Commute - Gas, wear and tear - $100
Parking - $0 no fee for me
Cleaning Services - $125 (another 125 comes out of DH paycheck since he uses and likes a clean home)
Clothing - none - I don't buy work attire anymore, it's casual all the time
Drycleaning - 0 - do not buy clothes that need drycleaning
Lunches - $100 (only because I like going on happy hours for my own adult sanity)
Coffees/Breakfast on the Run - 0 -
Takeout - $150 (another 150 comes from DH's paycheck since he eats as well)

My girls watching me and learning the importance of being financially independent - priceless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Daycare - $550 (550 would be from DH's portion)
Commute - Gas, wear and tear - $100
Parking - $0 no fee for mw
Cleaning Services - $125 (125 comes out of DH paycheck since he uses and likes a clean home)
Clothing - none - I don't buy work attire anymore, it's casual all the time
Drycleaning - 0 - do not buy clothes that need drycleaning
Lunches - $100 (only because I like going on happy hours for my own adult sanity)
Coffees/Breakfast on the Run - 0 -
Takeout - $150 (another 150 comes from DH's paycheck since he eats as well)

My girls watching me and learning the importance of being financially independent - priceless

My mom probably said the same thing about me watching her. Too bad what I actually saw was a stressed busy mom who didn’t seem to have enough time for me ever. I stay at home now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Daycare - $550 (another 550 would be from DH's portion)
Commute - Gas, wear and tear - $100
Parking - $0 no fee for me
Cleaning Services - $125 (another 125 comes out of DH paycheck since he uses and likes a clean home)
Clothing - none - I don't buy work attire anymore, it's casual all the time
Drycleaning - 0 - do not buy clothes that need drycleaning
Lunches - $100 (only because I like going on happy hours for my own adult sanity)
Coffees/Breakfast on the Run - 0 -
Takeout - $150 (another 150 comes from DH's paycheck since he eats as well)

My girls watching me and learning the importance of being financially independent - priceless

[Anonymous]

Daycare - $0
My Car - $ 700
Parking - $0
Cleaning Services - $800
Clothing - varies
Lunches - less than $100 as I am hardly going in restaurants for lunches.
Coffees/Breakfast on the Run - 0 -
Takeouts - $600 (Easier to get takeout when entertaining nowadays.

My DD watching me have choices, stay at home and enjoy family life, and manage/grow the money I have earned and DH earns - priceless

Working is overrated.

What women need to learn is to control, manage, invest and grow their own money. Does not matter if they inherited the money, married into money, got the money as a divorce settlement, earned that money, found that money, won that money in lottery or stole that money... Being poor and unable to pay your bills is not a good look.