the cost of working - SAHM vs WOHM

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm the higher earner so I would not have been the one to stay home. But the cost of working, meaning going into the office? Kids are older so I save $10K/year not paying a cleaning crew and dog walker, and maybe $5K/year on metro fees, work clothes, and the occasional lunch out. So $15K. When the kids needed childcare while it school, it ran about $10k/year per kid for aftercare and full day summer camps. We both make six figures (I'm getting into mid 6 figures), so these costs are a fraction of our income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me part of the calculation was in opportunity costs.

I don’t view childcare while I’m working as a cost of MY job. It’s just a necessity and my partner and I both need it. What I resented was paying for childcare while I commuted, or the higher costs of house cleaning and food because my work’s hours made it hard for us to clean our own house or cook meals as often as I’d like. And then of course losing time with my child while I’m commuting made me frustrated.

I wound up leaving my WOH job when DC was a baby because those costs bothered me a lot and my employer was not interested in a PT or WFH arrangement that would have lowered those costs. I stayed home for about 6 months (on top of the mat leave I’d already taken), and then found a PT job working from home. I loved that I could just pay for childcare when I was working and when I wasn’t I could be with my kid— no commute, no work happy hours, not lunch at work, etc. And it also freed up time for taking care of the house, grocery shopping, and cooking. Plus, yes, i didn’t need to spend as much on clothes or dry cleaning or makeup because I was WFH.

Now my kid is older and I’m still WFH, though FT. I think I could go in person at this point without feeling like it was costing me so much— childcare for older kids is less expensive, it’s easier to meal prep and keep a house clean when your kids are older and don’t require such intensive care.

So I think most of these costs fall heaviest on parents (and especially moms) of very young kids. We should have more working options for women in this position to WFH and go part time, without career penalties. It’s actually pretty insane what we ask of moms when you think about it. The idea you can have a baby and be expected to operate at work as though you don’t have a tiny creature requiring around the clock care is insane.

I completely agree with this. Due to life circumstances I had my kids really close together (<18 month gap) and the three years I spent trying to hold it down at a billable hour consulting job while pregnant, with a newborn and then a newborn + toddler, constantly sick and dangerously sleep deprived, while paying $4k/mo for daycare alone... I was not okay. My PCP started prescribing me psychoactive drugs that probably weren't technically indicated, out of concern for my and my children's physical safety. If at ANY POINT anyone in the consulting firm had sat me down and said, "your job will still be here if you want to take some time off", I would have taken them up on it so fast. But I was absolutely terrified that once I got off the career ladder, the gap in the resume would lock me out of it forever. And I can't say that worry was unfounded, given all the articles coming out about the proliferation of automated resume screening software making it literally impossible for moms to get back in the workforce after taking more than 6 months away.

PP here and first, I am so sorry you went through that. That’s basically how I felt returning from maternity leave and it was scary snd precipitating me quitting my job. I was terrified of the long term impact on my career and earnings and that’s why I went back pretty quickly PT, otherwise from a mental health standpoint I would have stayed home much longer.

I have a lot of respect for women who are able to return to work soon after their baby and carry on as though nothing has changed because I know it’s hard. Maybe some of them have help I didn’t have, or maybe they just have a personality that enables it. I had PPD and that was a huge factor for me. I really think if my work had just indicated in any way that it was okay to admit how much I was struggling and either take some unpaid leave or work a reduced schedule for a while (I think when babies turn 1 things change a lot and women have more capacity). But it was like they were already annoyed with me for taking my leave, and for needing some catch up time. I’d spend my whole day at work feeling like everyone was annoyed with me and I was bad at my job, and I’d come home and feel enormous guilt about being away from my baby all day.

It’s so common. There really should be better options, but people like us are expected to be grateful we get paid leave at all — complaining about the transition back to work afterwards is viewed by many as looking a gift horse in the mouth. Modern professional workplaces are not designed for women with kids, full stop.

[Anonymous]

WOH helped my PPD majorly. Just being around other people and not responsible for an infant 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WOH helped my PPD majorly. Just being around other people and not responsible for an infant 24/7.

Yep. Didn't have PPD here but had a rough first couple years and agree. Being around other adults has a stabilizing, normalizing effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm the higher earner so I would not have been the one to stay home. But the cost of working, meaning going into the office? Kids are older so I save $10K/year not paying a cleaning crew and dog walker, and maybe $5K/year on metro fees, work clothes, and the occasional lunch out. So $15K. When the kids needed childcare while it school, it ran about $10k/year per kid for aftercare and full day summer camps. We both make six figures (I'm getting into mid 6 figures), so these costs are a fraction of our income.

In addition to being the higher earning spouse (DW here), I also get a pension and 401/match. This is the true cost of not working. My retirement account alone is in the 7 figures (age 48), and my pension will be at least $80K/yr when I retire in 10 -15 years. So you need to calculate this. While we did have nanny and PT preschool costs while kids were under 5, now that both kids are in elementary school, aftercare is only a fraction of this cost. Plus I largely worked from home before COVID, so my kids weren't at aftercare very long.

[Anonymous]

Daycare is the cost of working split between both parents. It’s not a cost that’s only charged to women. Ugh!!

[Anonymous]

Have you calculated the loss of 401k, investment income earnings, and pay increases if you opt out for, say, 7 years...

YIKES

My first was born in 2006. Between 2006-2012 My 401k increased $210,357.70. That exact money from those 7 years If didn't make a contribution again would be worth $757,961 at the end of 2021.However I have been making contributions.

Not working for 7 years would literally cost me a million dollars in my 401k alone of lost opportunity and this is all before thr age of 45. Well worth daycare and some lunches at sweetgreen.

YIKES

[Anonymous]

Biggest cost for me is our nanny at about $50k per year. I can't think of any other expense that would change that much if I quit my job. We'd still send our youngest to preschool and I'd still commute, just to more enjoyable places than an office. I'd still eat out and I'd still hate to clean my house. I make $250 - 300k per year, so it's worth it to keep working, but it's not a no-brainer because DH makes 7 figures most years, so my income is highly taxed. I need to keep working for my mental health, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOH helped my PPD majorly. Just being around other people and not responsible for an infant 24/7.

Yep. Didn't have PPD here but had a rough first couple years and agree. Being around other adults has a stabilizing, normalizing effect.

+2. I went back early from maternity leave because I was slowly losing my mind to PPD. Probably saved my life actually.

[Anonymous]

Zero incremental costs? I WFH 4 days/week and had a nanny even when I was on maternity leave. I wouldn't drop the cleaning service anyway, I don't really use dry cleaning, and order takeout anyway. I do IF 18/6 so no $ spent on lunches and I drink coffee at home in the morning. I have free parking at work, drive a Tesla, and my commute is short when I go in once/week.

[Anonymous]

My H and I did this when the kids were young.

Daycare at the time was about $1500/month (to compare we reduced it by $300/month for cost of classes/arts/crafts/gym membership/etc) - $1200/month = $14,000
Car - I would have driven my car anyway we are not just going to stay in the house
Clothes - I would not have different clothes because I was a computer programmer
Cleaning service - I would not have given this up even if I was working at home but for the sake of argument $250/month = $3000
I don't dryclean
Parking is free
Lunch - I'm sure I would do lunch with friends so this is a wash
I eat hard boiled eggs for breakfast or cereal, never get it on the run, I don't drink coffee
takeout - what magically happens when you are home that you never eat take out. I cook 4x a week, leftovers on day 5, get take out F and Sat (or we are invited to a cookout) aren't you more likely to eat out with the kids than if you are stuck in meetings or at a desk.

So at most $17,000/year to work

[Anonymous]

If you stay at home, you'll still be paying for enrichment classes, meals, cleaning, and probably morning preschool--unless you just want to never leave your house with your children. Sounds fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you calculated the loss of 401k, investment income earnings, and pay increases if you opt out for, say, 7 years...

YIKES

My first was born in 2006. Between 2006-2012 My 401k increased $210,357.70. That exact money from those 7 years If didn't make a contribution again would be worth $757,961 at the end of 2021.However I have been making contributions.

Not working for 7 years would literally cost me a million dollars in my 401k alone of lost opportunity and this is all before thr age of 45. Well worth daycare and some lunches at sweetgreen.

YIKES

+1000

[Anonymous]

I work from home and DC is in school.
I eat lunches and drink coffee at home and don’t commute.
I spend $300 a month on cleaners although I don’t have to.

I make $130K + 401K + earn social security.
So without doubt it worth it.
It’s worth it even if I came out even.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks to everyone for their replies!

I've already made my decision work out of the home and thankfully have a salary that makes it well worth it. It was just an interesting exercise to think through the little conveniences I pay for to work full time (I'm looking at you Costco $25 chicken pot pie!). Also interesting to think of the flip side....had I decided to stay at home, I would likely have spent a lot to keep busy, entertain the children, get out of the house. (I do wonder if I would have a house cleaning service if I stayed home...now that I have it, I don't think I could go back!)

And I completely agree re. retirement income, opportunity cost, long term security etc...

Interesting that some responders were thinking of it as "charging" daycare costs to one salary - we have shared income/expenses but I know every couple budgets and plans differently.

Its an easy decision for some and a not so easy decision for others. So much to consider beyond a daily budget - long term financial security, mental health, happiness.

I hope I look back in 20, 30, 40 years and am happy with my own decision and wish the same for all of you!