the cost of working - SAHM vs WOHM
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Anonymous
I prefer interdependence over independence. We are all different. |
Anonymous
And this is it in a nutshell. Each family needs to work out what works for them. And kudos to those of you who at least tried to lay out expectations before marriage. That said, it would be nice if our society would get its head out of its butt where men vs. women and childrearing are concerned. The fact that many men never ask these questions of each other and that our society places unfair expectations on women far more than men once children enter the picture is unfair. Period. And our society is awful about supporting parents and children in the name of the almighty dollar. |
Anonymous
This statement does not make sense to me. Anytime people are married and both are earning a salary, clearly there is interdependence in running the household as a whole. I'm sure there is some rare couple out there that may have really and truly separate expenses but that has to be exceedingly rare. If you share a space and resources, you are financially interdependent. What the PP is referring to is that some women value knowing that they could also support themselves without their partner if necessary. |
Anonymous
NP. I sincerely don’t judge any couple who does completely separate finances but since PP says that her DH has a “portion” of the expenses it does seem like they’re pretty separate. But I honestly don’t know why one way would be inherently preferable to another. |
Anonymous
How is daycare only $550? |
Anonymous
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SAHM and WOHM aren't the only options.
People make fun of this, but being a SAHM with a side hustle, or a PT WAHM (same thing), is awesome. And it's especially great if you had a baby a little later in life (late 30s) because at that point you've generally got 15 years of experience under your belt. My side hustle is basically doing what I've always done, but on a consulting/contract basis and on an extremely part-time schedule. I rarely work more than 2 hours a day except maybe once a month when I'm up against a deadline. My kid is in public school so that's 6 hours a day when I can work without paying for childcare. I'm always around after school and available for sick days or random days off from school. I structure my projects so I don't work almost at all in July , which eases the burden of summer care by a lot (we still usually hire a sitter or do day camp, but usually just half day because I like having a month every year where I just get lots of one-on-one bonding time with DD). I started my business when DD was a baby and it took a couple years to get to this point. During those years, we lived off DH's salary and he was super supportive. I really wanted to be home those early years and I'm so glad I was, but I also really wanted to be working and earning money again so the drive to get my business functioning was totally mine. I'm sure it's a relief for him to not be the sole earner (I do think that can be very stressful, though his job is insanely secure so we didn't stress about him getting laid off or something, which helped a lot). But he told me once that if I brought in just $2/month, everything else is gravy. I don't totally agree (I want more money, more savings for DD, more to invest), but it's really great to be in a place where I don't feel like I have to work my butt off or take every single project I'm offered. We're not rich, but we live below our means and don't spend money on stuff like nice cars or expensive clothes. If I worked FT, I'd make more than twice what my DH makes, easy. If I want to, I could build my business into a FT job. I just... don't want to. My time is really valuable. Right now, in addition to working and some housework, I spend some of the time my DD is at school working on writing a book. It's so rewarding. I really feel like my life is exactly what I want. That's what I want my DD to learn. Not that she HAS to work or she HAS to stay home, but that you get one life and you get to choose. I'm lucky in some ways but I've also worked really hard to structure my life this way. I recommend it to anyone who is sick of the grind but not built for long term SAHMing either (I was not). |
Anonymous
My mom is a PhD and worked in research and was a professor. She is a great mom, we're very close and we got plenty of quality time with her. IMO, I see a lot of the stressed busy mom situations when the mom is working menial, low paying jobs with very little flexibility. I WFH 4 days/week making around 218K with amazing benefits and had plenty of time for mine, who are now older. I totally disagree with one of the PP who said some jobs, like medicine, are inflexible. My entire family is in medicine and my SIL is an MD and works from home PT, in a cushy position, doing research and making a ton of money. My MIL is a nurse working for the feds as a GS-15 all remote. A lot of my lawyer moms left big law and work for associations or in-house. I'm at a regulatory agency and my office just hired 2 pregnant lawyers. They will get 3 months paid maternity leave and then they will have to come back in the office once a week starting in 2023, IF they have reliable childcare. The trick is to get a lot of valuable education, get established at work, be a great performer and then have kids and look for flexibility. The more educated one is, the better the opportunities for a flexible, well-paid and less stressful job. |
Anonymous
I learned to handle money and made some too 
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Anonymous
Have you told your kids that other parents can in fact parent well while working full time? It is so personality dependent. I am also surprised that when you were a teenager, you wanted more time with your mom. That's not the normal pattern. |
Anonymous
I'd rather WOH FT than do housework, but I am glad your setup suits you perfectly. For me, it was just easier working full time so we could afford 50 hours a week of childcare. |
Anonymous
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I married an alpha male. He is fine with whatever I want - work, not work, work part time. He is an equal partner because he loves his family and wants to pamper us.
He is the right kind of old fashioned. My money is my money and his money is our money. He would not ever want me to pay any bills and he basically asked me to save and invest everything that I earned. |
Anonymous
So happy for you. When he dumps you for a 20 yo, you will need your pennies saved. |
Anonymous
No prenup, every thing jointly owned, we spend our time together, lots of insurance. Why would he dump me for a 20 yr old when I am good looking, educated, desirable and we have a good marriage and a good life? All the beta men they just can't stand to pay for their wives. 50% of childcare, 50% of take outs, 50% to the cleaning lady...lol...they will not pay for their frumpy wives or their kids - and the price to being married to them is that these women pay for themselves. How desperate. + These women come home and do a double shift. Goodness, why not value your wife and pay for cleaners?? |
Anonymous
Anyone who thinks in alpha and beta terms about people IMO can't have a "good life." |
Anonymous
I'm not trying to be a jerk, but it doesn't sound like your hours are really that heavy. It sounds like you have a pretty standard 8:30-5:30 M-F office job with occasional meetings or responding to emails in the evenings, and occasional travel. This sounds like a pretty typical 50 hour/wk job with a pretty good amount of flexibility. I think you are kind of confirming my idea that a couple really cannot work more than a combined 90-100 hours/wk combined AND raise children. |