the cost of working - SAHM vs WOHM

[Anonymous]

I hate hate hate it when women assume the full cost of daycare is their cost vs 50% for each spouse. You want the know the full cost of SAHM? Try mid six to low seven figures for me. Also add in delayed retirement for my spouse.

[Anonymous]

PP, you make as many assumptions as the others. How do you know that this person paid for the schools or programs she was in? There are a lot of scholarships available for the people who are willing to study. These jobs are not cushy, there are many jobs where couples can balance the home/kids stuff well between each other. The discussion here is about having the mindset where men and women respect each other and support each other, where each party sees the other one as an equal contributor. What's wrong with that? The working moms here are saying that it is doable, it is good for your future benefits, don't give up and just push your partner to be an equal home/kids partner. Otherwise, this society will only be run by men, decisions taken by men and women can continue receiving the second class citizen treatments...

Because working moms need one more thing to do.

The problem is men (at least a lot of them). They are the ones failing here. I don't know how to change that, but I 100% disagree that women are responsible for the failure of many men. I really resent people who tell me that my DH's failure to look around a room and clean it up without being told what to pick up is somehow my responsibility. (obviously if my 5 year old can't do this that is another story. parents do have a responsibility to teach their children. my DH is NOT my child. His brain is fully developed and he is perfectly capable in professional situations of cleaning up his shit. His office at work is very neat. His office at home is a mess.). Platitudes like "don't give up" and "just push your partner" are absolutely of not practical help and blame women.

My point is to examine how we talk about this and use language that does NOT blame women. PP isn't the only one in the thread to do this.

Also, it isn't rocket science for any grown adult to figure out whether they are slacking. If you live in a clean house, and you don't clean it. If you eat food, that you didn't prepare. If you have children, and you're not the one taking care of them, you'd damn well better have had a really clear conversation with someone else that they are doing these things. Otherwise you're taking advantage of someone else. Are we really pretending men as a group have always been cleaned up after and fed by someone else their entire lives? Even if someone had a parent who waited on them hand and foot, if anyone lived outside their childhood home for any period of time before marrying, they were taking care of themselves in one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate hate hate it when women assume the full cost of daycare is their cost vs 50% for each spouse. You want the know the full cost of SAHM? Try mid six to low seven figures for me. Also add in delayed retirement for my spouse.

the cost of daycare is the incremental cost of the second income

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHM and WOHM aren't the only options.

People make fun of this, but being a SAHM with a side hustle, or a PT WAHM (same thing), is awesome. And it's especially great if you had a baby a little later in life (late 30s) because at that point you've generally got 15 years of experience under your belt. My side hustle is basically doing what I've always done, but on a consulting/contract basis and on an extremely part-time schedule. I rarely work more than 2 hours a day except maybe once a month when I'm up against a deadline. My kid is in public school so that's 6 hours a day when I can work without paying for childcare. I'm always around after school and available for sick days or random days off from school. I structure my projects so I don't work almost at all in July , which eases the burden of summer care by a lot (we still usually hire a sitter or do day camp, but usually just half day because I like having a month every year where I just get lots of one-on-one bonding time with DD).

I started my business when DD was a baby and it took a couple years to get to this point. During those years, we lived off DH's salary and he was super supportive. I really wanted to be home those early years and I'm so glad I was, but I also really wanted to be working and earning money again so the drive to get my business functioning was totally mine. I'm sure it's a relief for him to not be the sole earner (I do think that can be very stressful, though his job is insanely secure so we didn't stress about him getting laid off or something, which helped a lot). But he told me once that if I brought in just $2/month, everything else is gravy. I don't totally agree (I want more money, more savings for DD, more to invest), but it's really great to be in a place where I don't feel like I have to work my butt off or take every single project I'm offered. We're not rich, but we live below our means and don't spend money on stuff like nice cars or expensive clothes.

If I worked FT, I'd make more than twice what my DH makes, easy. If I want to, I could build my business into a FT job. I just... don't want to. My time is really valuable. Right now, in addition to working and some housework, I spend some of the time my DD is at school working on writing a book. It's so rewarding. I really feel like my life is exactly what I want.

That's what I want my DD to learn. Not that she HAS to work or she HAS to stay home, but that you get one life and you get to choose. I'm lucky in some ways but I've also worked really hard to structure my life this way. I recommend it to anyone who is sick of the grind but not built for long term SAHMing either (I was not).

This is a great outlook and a good plan.

Since our kids have been born, one of us has stepped out of full time work and done PT work from home. At first DH worked from home, then he got a FT job and it switched to me being PT.

Our jobs were too demanding to both be at full time. But this way no one feels too overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate hate hate it when women assume the full cost of daycare is their cost vs 50% for each spouse. You want the know the full cost of SAHM? Try mid six to low seven figures for me. Also add in delayed retirement for my spouse.

What if the family net income actually decreases when both parents work, because the cost of daycare is more than the second income?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate hate hate it when women assume the full cost of daycare is their cost vs 50% for each spouse. You want the know the full cost of SAHM? Try mid six to low seven figures for me. Also add in delayed retirement for my spouse.

What if the family net income actually decreases when both parents work, because the cost of daycare is more than the second income?

You have to take the long view--what is the long-term financial impact of the disruption to a career? Include the long-term impact of not having social security income for those years, not having employer retirement contributions etc. and how the disruptions impact the trajectory of earning raises/promotions/staying in a chosen field. On rare occasions it makes financial sense still to stay home and then use that time to pivot and prepare for a more lucrative career. I agree though that you should calculate the cost of daycare out of both careers and look at overall household income (including future projections mentioned above) with and without daycare. This helps you make a household financial decision. (This is just looking at it with a financial lens--there are other lenses/perspectives you might care about in terms of the decision).