Disgusted by Wife’s Obesity But Don’t Want a Divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Good thing people choose their mates for many reasons. Following your logic, your spouse (if you have one) will become disgusted by you because you dared to reach 50 years of age. He'll probably puke his guts out when you turn 60 and sh1t himself when you turn 70.

I didn't say a 50-year body is disgusting, you made that part up.

Forty pounds of fat on a short body isn't attractive. A guy is allowed to think that. He's not a jerk for thinking this.

I was following your logic. Why do you think men marry much younger women the second time around? If your marriage is based on superficiality, you can expect your spouse to be disgusted with you eventually. Bodies are gross, old bodies, particularly so.,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't live with wife + 40lbs. Kids will get over. Divorce is what I recommend.

Wow. What a shallow POS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP didn’t get the memo about what marriage is.

I think op might be a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

May not be pregnancy related, but often it's kid related.

Does she have time to work out? Actual time, not "after the kids go to bed" or "she can wake up an hour earlier". Pitch in with the kids more and take over morning/evening routines so she can get a workout in.

Who cooks? Take over half of the cooking (breakfast, lunch, and dinner - not just 3 dinners a week) and make healthy food.

The wine is a coping mechanism for something. What's she stressed about?

This is what I want to know. What is your life like together? Lots of sweets and wine sounds like stress to me. A lot of people eat sweeets for the stress relief and dopamine hits, which causes weight gain, which causes self-loathing, so we seek the mood-improovibgs weeta yo escape those bad feelings in an endless cycle.

I wonder what bad feelings she is using food and alcohol to escape from? This is the key. How close are you? Is she lonely? Is she unhappy?

Have you done marriage counseling with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably the same mirrors you have at home work for your wife, right? Maybe she doesn't want to be attractive to/for you.

OP here. I was never the worlds most attractive guy, but I’m basically the same I was when we got married. About 10 lbs heavier maybe half muscle half fat. Far stronger and fitter now.

Did you grow 2 or more babies in your womb for 9 months each, push them out of your vagina, and breastfeed them for a few months? Did you suffer any traumatic (emotionally or physically) injuries from that?

Do you help with the cooking, cleaning, child rearing (without her asking you), schedule doctor and orthodontist appointments, do the laundry, make your bed, plan birthday parties, sign permission slips, buy birthday presents, and carry half the mental load for the family?

I sympathize with your situation and wish your DW all the luck in her health/exercise journey but you sound like a jerk.

Oh here we go! The I had a baby now I can be a fatty excuse. I had a baby and was back to my size 6 six months later. No excuses, no explanations. I bet if they get divorced and she goes on back on the market she’ll lose weight.

Size 6 isn’t that great. Don’t strain a muscle patting yourself on the back.

That depends on height and age.

My size 6 pants from the nineties fit like size zeros bought more recently. Even a bit more unforgiving, since they have no stretch.

If I came of age in the last ten years, at my height a size six is a little chubby.

If a woman is tall and in shape, a size six can be just fabulous.

Ty! I’m the pp and at 5’8” I am fabulous! Still a size 6 thirty freaking yrs later. Bam!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank goodness for my wonderful husband. I’m fatter than OP’s wife and DH still loves me and still wants to have sex with me. Or fakes it well. I’m working on it but anxiety makes me eat and anxiety med make me gain weight. Exercising like crazy though and losing weight veeerrrrry slowly.

I guarantee you that there is a point at which your DH will no longer want to have sex with you. That point may not be set at 40 pounds but it exists. Stop pretending you can will yourself into finding someone attractive.

True, we can’t all be balding old guys whom younger women find stunningly attractive (due to their bank accounts and political connections).

Power and wealth in a man is attractive, don't pretend that it's not.

Sure.
So ask yourself what a woman should do if she wants her husband to be more powerful and wealthy...

I don’t think long walks together is going to cut it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

May not be pregnancy related, but often it's kid related.

Does she have time to work out? Actual time, not "after the kids go to bed" or "she can wake up an hour earlier". Pitch in with the kids more and take over morning/evening routines so she can get a workout in.

Who cooks? Take over half of the cooking (breakfast, lunch, and dinner - not just 3 dinners a week) and make healthy food.

The wine is a coping mechanism for something. What's she stressed about?

This is what I want to know. What is your life like together? Lots of sweets and wine sounds like stress to me. A lot of people eat sweeets for the stress relief and dopamine hits, which causes weight gain, which causes self-loathing, so we seek the mood-improovibgs weeta yo escape those bad feelings in an endless cycle.

I wonder what bad feelings she is using food and alcohol to escape from? This is the key. How close are you? Is she lonely? Is she unhappy?

Have you done marriage counseling with her?

It’s not the dopamine hits. It’s the elevated cortisol. Your body stops metabolizing fat as easily, so you start craving carbohydrates and get hungry earlier and faster. And if you live with kids, there are likely tons of carbohydrates sitting around.
So, you legitimately feel hungry, and there is food sitting right there. How many days/weeks/months does “willpower” work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank goodness for my wonderful husband. I’m fatter than OP’s wife and DH still loves me and still wants to have sex with me. Or fakes it well. I’m working on it but anxiety makes me eat and anxiety med make me gain weight. Exercising like crazy though and losing weight veeerrrrry slowly.

I guarantee you that there is a point at which your DH will no longer want to have sex with you. That point may not be set at 40 pounds but it exists. Stop pretending you can will yourself into finding someone attractive.

True, we can’t all be balding old guys whom younger women find stunningly attractive (due to their bank accounts and political connections).

Power and wealth in a man is attractive, don't pretend that it's not.

The power and wealth may be attractive. The man who comes with them isn’t. Don’t kid yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP is a shmuck. I don’t hear any concern for his wife’s happiness. No comments about what he loves about her. It’s just me, me, me.

[Anonymous]

I'll take my overweight husband any day over a slender guy who has lost his hair. We all have our "ick" factors.

DH and I are both in our 50s and have been married nearly 30 years. I have gained some wight too. And , we already know each other's "ick" factors so we talk about it and deal with it. We know we will one day look at each other and think "ewww" and we get a good laugh about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I couldn't live with wife + 40lbs. Kids will get over. Divorce is what I recommend.

And maybe she can’t live with your balding, Dad body. Men are always so quick to criticize women.....you do know that you all change as well when you age? I don’t care how much you work out....things change for men. And you all expect women to accept it.

Balding is 100% outside his control.
Getting fat is 100% within her control.

Understand the difference?

Here let me help.
Her fatness is like his cheating: a selfish decision.
His baldness is like her reading glasses: an age related physical change.

Wow, you are an ignoramus. Weight gain in women *is* an age related physical change. Read Why We Get Fat by Gary Taubes for a quick primer. Estrogen prevents weight gain by counteracting the fat-storing effects of insulin. When estrogen drops, we gain weight. And that fat actually causes a physical response that raises insulin more, in a vicious cycle. It also causes terrible carbohydrate cravings if you are already eating and have Lseays eaten a diet with moderate to high carbs (that is, the standard American diet). It is entirely age related. This is not to say that she is not stresssed, depressed, and/or an alcoholic. But assuming she is in her late 30’s and in perimenopause, this is as age related a change as male pattern baldness. And reducing calories is not the fix because that just reduces metabolism. The only fix is to fast and or drastically reduce carb consumption, but both of those approaches can also increase the stress c
Hormone cortisol, which causes fat storage and carb cravings as well. Lack of sleep also raises cortisol and insulin. It’s a vicious cycle, one that takes most women by surprise and is little talked about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My suggestion is that you admit that your sexuality is built on totally unrealistic impressions of women’s bodies and take responsibility for that.

How is it unrealistic if his wife had 40 less pounds at one point? It was in reality, not his dreams. You make it sound like gaining 40 pounds is a natural law.

[Anonymous]

OP i weighed 120lbs @ 5’8” when I married a very handsome fit man. As soon as I got pregnant I threw in the towel and ate whatever I wanted! After my child was born I was weighing in at 175lbs. I went from wearing sexy tight dresses to moo moos. After about 6 months he tells me to get in the car we’re going shopping and wear your sneakers. I got all excited thinking wow we’re gonna do some power shopping! Next thing I know he pulls up to this fitness studio and tells me to get out. I reluctantly got out and he peeled off in the parking lot. I walked in where a personal trainer was waiting for me. Luckily he was gorgeous and that was the beginning of my fitness journey. I lost all the weight and 30 yrs later I’m still exercising and a size 6. I never got angry that he did that to me. I actually thought is was funny and I was thankful. It’s easy to get comfortable in a marriage and not give a crap anymore. If I had married the average Joe I’m sure I’d weigh 250 by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

Just separate so you can find whatever you seek and she has the chance to be with someone else who does not find her 'disgusting'

[Anonymous]

Just wondering...when you got married, did you take a vow to “love, honor, and cherish, unless you get fat in which case all bets are off”?

So many of you seem to think that choosing not to love, honor, and cherish your spouse is entirely justifiable once they become physically unattractive to you. Ridiculous.

Love is action. Honoring and cherishing are done through actions. So, what can you do to love your wife today, OP? What questions can you ask her to sing out what kind of love she needs right now?