Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone recommends theater for my quirky DD so she can meet kind, like-minded kids but it’s darn hard to get into the middle school play; she’s tried out three times and hasn’t gotten in. They even make kids try out for tech.

My quirky kid did a theater camp. So not true about theater kids. They can be just as mean as others. The instructors were awesome. There were some nice kids. There were also some seriously disturbed kids-mean and obsessed with murder, blood, guns (this is what I mean by disturbed). The camp welcomes all and they do make it clear they can kick kids out, but they had a lot of tolerance were some pretty abysmal behavior. I envisioned it being more of a kumbaya experience.

+1

The nerdier clubs seems to have nicer kids. Think Math club, Robotics, Coding.

Not always! The meanest kid in our elementary grade is a typical nerd. Very biting, cutting remarks, saying weird crap about other kids, etc. The jocks are much friendlier.

Not OP, but I have seen this too. the cool boys are nice to my son because they see he is obviously different, but has a good heart. The ones who have targeted him and have time and again been kids who struggle socially themselves. Maybe to feel better about their own problems it feels good to be a jerk to him or maybe they hate that despite all his quirks he is comfortable in his own skin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, find an activity that she is good at and let her excel in it. I know people like your daughter. One practices her music about 3-4 hours a day. Her parents organize a solo concert for her every year. For her 11th birthday she recorded a CD snd gave a copy to each of her classmates.
Have you thought of something similar?

Dang, that sounds like someone that every child I know would deSPISE

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a girl in my 4th grader's girl scout troop who seems to repel the other girls. I'm trying to think of ways she repels others, and I am having a hard time coming up with exactly the problem. Here are a few examples --
- She's overly enthusiastic, and borderline inappropriate at times. "Invite me over to your house for a play date!! I WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU AT YOUR HOUSE!!!"
- And then at other times, when all of the girls are working on something, she's off somewhere else, not helping and not participating, and making a mess.
- When they are having a snack, she will comment several times about what the snack is, and how she 1) doesn't like it or 2) needs seconds. It's the repeated commenting that bothers the group, I think
- Come to think of it, she does the above with whatever activity they're doing - she'll either complain over and over, or ask for more over and over.

She sounds like she may have something else going on. Her description sounds like a 3rd grader with HFA I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone recommends theater for my quirky DD so she can meet kind, like-minded kids but it’s darn hard to get into the middle school play; she’s tried out three times and hasn’t gotten in. They even make kids try out for tech.

My quirky kid did a theater camp. So not true about theater kids. They can be just as mean as others. The instructors were awesome. There were some nice kids. There were also some seriously disturbed kids-mean and obsessed with murder, blood, guns (this is what I mean by disturbed). The camp welcomes all and they do make it clear they can kick kids out, but they had a lot of tolerance were some pretty abysmal behavior. I envisioned it being more of a kumbaya experience.

+1

The nerdier clubs seems to have nicer kids. Think Math club, Robotics, Coding.

Not always! The meanest kid in our elementary grade is a typical nerd. Very biting, cutting remarks, saying weird crap about other kids, etc. The jocks are much friendlier.

Not OP, but I have seen this too. the cool boys are nice to my son because they see he is obviously different, but has a good heart. The ones who have targeted him and have time and again been kids who struggle socially themselves. Maybe to feel better about their own problems it feels good to be a jerk to him or maybe they hate that despite all his quirks he is comfortable in his own skin.

The jocks AND the nerds are actually both nice and both groups tend to be really into their activities of choice and would rather be doing that than picking on other kids. It's the "striver" kids who are neither jocks nor nerds that desperately want to move up that are the most vicious. They think that by picking on someone, they'll move into the cool group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how do you know she isnt HFA / Aspergers? Just curious

We've had her tested multiple times by reputable psychologists and psychiatrists.

You have had her tested multiple times for autism? A neuropsych evaluation costs 5k or 2 years on the waiting list under insurance. It is also ONLY performed by a neuropsychologist. Not by a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

I have a DC who was "tested" multiple times by psychologists and pediatricians for other things. I always asked about Aspergers and they always said no. What they should be required by law to say is "I am not qualified to form an opinion " because they are not. However, they did and said no. They were wrong and their ineptitude cost DC years of proper, targeted help.

You mention social problems and clumsiness. These are two red flags. Contact a neuropsychologist. Preferably one who specializes in girls and autism.

Sigh. There is no such thing as "Aspergers" anymore. Neuropsychs have realized that merely being clumsy and socially awkward is within the normal spectrum of humanity and does not mean that a person has a neurological disorder. So, as the OP stated, her child does not have autism. Now, that does not mean that her daughter would not clearly benefit from sort sort of social classes/therapy to help her out.

People who previously qualified for a diagnosis of Asperger's generally still receive a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. The shift is because there wasn't a clinically reliable way to distinguish between high functioning autism and Aspergers and the diagnostic traits had some ones that seemed to be part of a broader spectrum which includes traits within the normal spectrum. So, yes, being clumsy and awkward alone won't get you an ASD diagnosis, but persistent social problems since age 3 that cause problem in daily life might warrant a closer look--especially in girls who are often underdiagnosed in basic screening assessments.

[Anonymous]

I have read through all the comments, and I still don't understand why OP said this is 100 percent her fault. OP, your DD is a separate person from you and you cannot control your DD's life. I see that you are really upset, but you are REALLY internalizing your DD's struggles, at a time when you should stay calm and be her rock, not up the ante.

I was a girl like this, I had friends at home but at school everyone ignored me. It got much better after middle school. But I would have felt mortified if my mom judged me like this and was micromanaging my social life (or lack thereof).

[Anonymous]

My dd had no friends at her school. She did a lot of outside of school sports and met kids there. OP, it may not happen at school. Maybe have her volunteer somewhere....maybe she'd be good mixing with people when she's helping them. Good luck. It is sad. My dd admitted to me once that she stayed inside the restroom once at a party at a very fancy hotel because none of her classmates would talk to her and she felt awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you probably left this thread long ago. But if this has been going on her whole life (10 years is a whole life) you need to look deeper. Dogs and theatre are not going to solve the problem.
I had an issue with my DD and teachers told me that because she was pretty and made As that there was no problem. There was a problem. And it wasn’t solved by activities that just gave more opportunities for her to be shunned

Not OP, but what was the problem?

[Anonymous]

Your DD sounds a lot like me. Most of my life people just don’t seem to like me. I got to the point where I really watered down my personality and it seemed to help. It’s hard for me to form close relationships with people quickly, or be a value add in a conversation, but turns out being “boring” or “uninteresting” can mean “mysterious” or just allows you another chance to get to know someone.

I feel sad for your DD and I truly hope this helps bc it took me awhile to realize the problem truly was me, and I just needed to learn that I don’t fit in normally and if I want to be social I have to really water down my personality.

Try to teach DD to be happy with herself, so she isn’t depressed being alone. I really could have benefited from it. I hated my home life so I didn’t feel like being alone was an option for me, and it caused a lot of issues. I think if I had felt more comfortable being at home, it would have been easier on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teacher here. Her teachers will have been aware and have a good idea of what the problem is, and they will have been doing their best to help/mitigate. They’ll also be very reluctant to be blunt/honest with you about it for fear of offending you or coming across as insulting your kid.

If you’re loikingbto pinpoint specific problematic behaviors, maybe set a meeting with a teacher that knows her well. Assure the teacher that you need honesty and that you’re looking for things you can work on with your daughter and that you know the teachers have the best opportunities for social observation. If the teacher can think of specific examples, that’s great— if you explain ahead of time, she’ll have a few days to observe.

This is great advice. My daughter had some issues with a clique of girls in sixth grade and ever since then, I've made an effort to ask those teachers who are with her most/know her best about how she's doing socially, what they observe about her in terms of her interactions with other kids, and how she is perceived by her classmates. It is sometimes hard to hear honest feedback about your child, but it is really helpful and good teachers have great insight on the social dynamics of their classroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone recommends theater for my quirky DD so she can meet kind, like-minded kids but it’s darn hard to get into the middle school play; she’s tried out three times and hasn’t gotten in. They even make kids try out for tech.

Try travelingplayers.org. It is a great program and middle school students don’t have to audition to get a part. TPE is a wonderful community and kids can really find a home there. They have summer and winter programs for middle and high schoolers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone recommends theater for my quirky DD so she can meet kind, like-minded kids but it’s darn hard to get into the middle school play; she’s tried out three times and hasn’t gotten in. They even make kids try out for tech.

Try travelingplayers.org. It is a great program and middle school students don’t have to audition to get a part. TPE is a wonderful community and kids can really find a home there. They have summer and winter programs for middle and high schoolers.

Wow, thank you!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone recommends theater for my quirky DD so she can meet kind, like-minded kids but it’s darn hard to get into the middle school play; she’s tried out three times and hasn’t gotten in. They even make kids try out for tech.

Try travelingplayers.org. It is a great program and middle school students don’t have to audition to get a part. TPE is a wonderful community and kids can really find a home there. They have summer and winter programs for middle and high schoolers.

Oh bummer, it’s in VA; I’m near Rockville, MD. Thanks anyway!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how do you know she isnt HFA / Aspergers? Just curious

We've had her tested multiple times by reputable psychologists and psychiatrists.

You have had her tested multiple times for autism? A neuropsych evaluation costs 5k or 2 years on the waiting list under insurance. It is also ONLY performed by a neuropsychologist. Not by a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

I have a DC who was "tested" multiple times by psychologists and pediatricians for other things. I always asked about Aspergers and they always said no. What they should be required by law to say is "I am not qualified to form an opinion " because they are not. However, they did and said no. They were wrong and their ineptitude cost DC years of proper, targeted help.

You mention social problems and clumsiness. These are two red flags. Contact a neuropsychologist. Preferably one who specializes in girls and autism.

Sigh. There is no such thing as "Aspergers" anymore. Neuropsychs have realized that merely being clumsy and socially awkward is within the normal spectrum of humanity and does not mean that a person has a neurological disorder. So, as the OP stated, her child does not have autism. Now, that does not mean that her daughter would not clearly benefit from sort sort of social classes/therapy to help her out.

People who previously qualified for a diagnosis of Asperger's generally still receive a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. The shift is because there wasn't a clinically reliable way to distinguish between high functioning autism and Aspergers and the diagnostic traits had some ones that seemed to be part of a broader spectrum which includes traits within the normal spectrum. So, yes, being clumsy and awkward alone won't get you an ASD diagnosis, but persistent social problems since age 3 that cause problem in daily life might warrant a closer look--especially in girls who are often underdiagnosed in basic screening assessments.

OP has decided to swim in denial on this one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have read through all the comments, and I still don't understand why OP said this is 100 percent her fault. OP, your DD is a separate person from you and you cannot control your DD's life. I see that you are really upset, but you are REALLY internalizing your DD's struggles, at a time when you should stay calm and be her rock, not up the ante.

I was a girl like this, I had friends at home but at school everyone ignored me. It got much better after middle school. But I would have felt mortified if my mom judged me like this and was micromanaging my social life (or lack thereof).

Sometimes this is all just because a kid is the youngest in the class and socially immature.

A kid can also not be the youngest and still be socially immature - and it still doesn’t mean that they are autistic.
My DD was one of the oldest and still school was a bit socially complicated for her until she started to catch up in her late teens. Before that we made sure that she had activities outside of school, yes. She was also sent to a school where kindness was emphasized (good social climate for everyone).
She’s very bright and now she’s at a college with similar people and she loves her life and her peers.