Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A problem that stretches over 10 years is a problem. Not a typical situation.

Unless she is in private school.

Once the group decides you don't fit in at private school, there are no options for you.

Yeah, that’s the big open question here. If this is a relatively small community, the girl may have just gotten unlucky and stuck there. Girls tend to pair off into two-soles or three-soles and it’s like a game of musical chairs—you can end up as the odd one out before you realize how the game is played. If it’s a larger community, it’s more likely there is an issue. ADHD is a common reason for girls to be shunned.—girls with adhd can perform well in a lot of scenarios but often talk too much or have other irritating quirks that come out in social settings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone recommends theater for my quirky DD so she can meet kind, like-minded kids but it’s darn hard to get into the middle school play; she’s tried out three times and hasn’t gotten in. They even make kids try out for tech.

My quirky kid did a theater camp. So not true about theater kids. They can be just as mean as others. The instructors were awesome. There were some nice kids. There were also some seriously disturbed kids-mean and obsessed with murder, blood, guns (this is what I mean by disturbed). The camp welcomes all and they do make it clear they can kick kids out, but they had a lot of tolerance were some pretty abysmal behavior. I envisioned it being more of a kumbaya experience.

Theater camp over the summer is not usually filled with theater kids.

It is full of kids whose parents are looking for a variety of summer daycare type camps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she pretty or good at sports? Those were the popular girls when I was growing up. Also the popular ones seemed to be a bit more wordly. Not mean, but a sharpness to them. Sometimes sarcastic or mocking. I guess that made them interesting to other girls.

Really? DP here. I am surprised that the mean girls were popular in your school. The mean girls were shunned in my rich high school (I wasn't rich), where the nicer you were, the more popular you were. It helped to be pretty, but it definitely hindered to be any kind of mean. I think being sharp, jabbing and not inclusive as being a lower class thing.

I have literally never heard this point of view before, from anyone.

+1 The mean girls have usually been those with every social advantage -- popularity, beauty, nice/trendy clothes, wealth (generally). Which is why it is so bizarre that they need to be mean.

[Anonymous]

Mild Aspergers. Looks different in girls than boys, but girls are unforgiving amongst anyone who might not be neurotypical. Boys, usually find a niche somewhere regardless- other boys like them.

[Anonymous]

Find a way to get into a situation to observe her with other kids. Without first-hand observation it is difficult to say.

My daughters complain a lot about various girls. Here are some of the personality issues that seem to make a girl less popular.

* Talks a lot about boring things. Very long stories that no one cares about.

* Mean. Plays one girl off of another. (You wouldn't see this as a mom-- there are some girls in the neighborhood who I found to be delightful but I heard from multiple sources that they were mean in smaller groups.)

* Doesn't understand the complicated social environment. My dd and her whole group started speaking badly about someone who had been in their group. It took me a lot of prying to figure out why and the best I could come up with was that she turned down one of the 'in group' girl's bday party to go to a social function outside the group.

* Bossy. This can go either way. Some of the most popular girls are very bossy, but if you're not one of them, you're not allowed to be bossy.

[Anonymous]

I have a girl who is a bit awkward, and she's always had friends who were boys. Now that she's a tween, I'm not thrilled with her hanging out with mostly boys, but it has worked for her, socially, so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone recommends theater for my quirky DD so she can meet kind, like-minded kids but it’s darn hard to get into the middle school play; she’s tried out three times and hasn’t gotten in. They even make kids try out for tech.

My quirky kid did a theater camp. So not true about theater kids. They can be just as mean as others. The instructors were awesome. There were some nice kids. There were also some seriously disturbed kids-mean and obsessed with murder, blood, guns (this is what I mean by disturbed). The camp welcomes all and they do make it clear they can kick kids out, but they had a lot of tolerance were some pretty abysmal behavior. I envisioned it being more of a kumbaya experience.

+1

The nerdier clubs seems to have nicer kids. Think Math club, Robotics, Coding.

+1

Do you think this is because nerdier clubs have more Asian-Americans and they tend to values academic/scholastic success over being "popular"?

No. Our school has very few Asian-American kids, and still these clubs attract nicer kids. I see kids who have the self-confidence to do with interests them and they view others through the lens of those interests.

[Anonymous]

OP you probably left this thread long ago. But if this has been going on her whole life (10 years is a whole life) you need to look deeper. Dogs and theatre are not going to solve the problem.
I had an issue with my DD and teachers told me that because she was pretty and made As that there was no problem. There was a problem. And it wasn’t solved by activities that just gave more opportunities for her to be shunned

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a girl who is a bit awkward, and she's always had friends who were boys. Now that she's a tween, I'm not thrilled with her hanging out with mostly boys, but it has worked for her, socially, so far.

Ditto. My daughter is a little younger, but she's the stereo type of quirky-nerdy, and she's been friends almost elusively with boys since preschool. Now that we're nearing middle school, I'm not sure how it's all going to play out, but so far she has a nice group of friends, who just see her as another friend and she's happy with the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone recommends theater for my quirky DD so she can meet kind, like-minded kids but it’s darn hard to get into the middle school play; she’s tried out three times and hasn’t gotten in. They even make kids try out for tech.

My quirky kid did a theater camp. So not true about theater kids. They can be just as mean as others. The instructors were awesome. There were some nice kids. There were also some seriously disturbed kids-mean and obsessed with murder, blood, guns (this is what I mean by disturbed). The camp welcomes all and they do make it clear they can kick kids out, but they had a lot of tolerance were some pretty abysmal behavior. I envisioned it being more of a kumbaya experience.

+1

The nerdier clubs seems to have nicer kids. Think Math club, Robotics, Coding.

Not always! The meanest kid in our elementary grade is a typical nerd. Very biting, cutting remarks, saying weird crap about other kids, etc. The jocks are much friendlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mild Aspergers. Looks different in girls than boys, but girls are unforgiving amongst anyone who might not be neurotypical. Boys, usually find a niche somewhere regardless- other boys like them.

Boys will tend to form friend groups over hobbies (comic books, a sport, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone recommends theater for my quirky DD so she can meet kind, like-minded kids but it’s darn hard to get into the middle school play; she’s tried out three times and hasn’t gotten in. They even make kids try out for tech.

My quirky kid did a theater camp. So not true about theater kids. They can be just as mean as others. The instructors were awesome. There were some nice kids. There were also some seriously disturbed kids-mean and obsessed with murder, blood, guns (this is what I mean by disturbed). The camp welcomes all and they do make it clear they can kick kids out, but they had a lot of tolerance were some pretty abysmal behavior. I envisioned it being more of a kumbaya experience.

+1

The nerdier clubs seems to have nicer kids. Think Math club, Robotics, Coding.

+1

.

My kids have done some of these clubs. Yes, they can be nice kids, but you can also get the ones who have been told too many times how gifted and special they are and it has gone to their head. There are some out of control egos. Some parents do a great job of raising their kids to be modest and some kids naturally have the social skills to be humble, but OMG some of these kids are in for a rude awakening when they get older if they don't tone down their egos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two questions:

1) What was your social experience like at the same age?

2) When you watch her with other girls, is she picking up on social cues? Does she understand the subtle messages they are sending? When you see a social cue, you might ask your daughter later if she saw it as well.

1) I have never had trouble making friends. That is what is so hard about this. At her age I had dozens of friends, and several good friends.

2) I think she is eager. She is also a bit clumsy. But how do we FIX that?

Hey, OP, I don't know why girls are not warming up to your daughter and I know you want to help her. If it were my child, it would break my heart to see this go on. But......could there be a dynamic in here where your daughter guesses that this is so important to you, that she is also worried about whether she is making her mom happy or not? Just a suggestion to make sure that is not going on so your daughter has only the one problem to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Does your daughter care or do you care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a way to get into a situation to observe her with other kids. Without first-hand observation it is difficult to say.

My daughters complain a lot about various girls. Here are some of the personality issues that seem to make a girl less popular.

* Talks a lot about boring things. Very long stories that no one cares about.

* Mean. Plays one girl off of another. (You wouldn't see this as a mom-- there are some girls in the neighborhood who I found to be delightful but I heard from multiple sources that they were mean in smaller groups.)

* Doesn't understand the complicated social environment. My dd and her whole group started speaking badly about someone who had been in their group. It took me a lot of prying to figure out why and the best I could come up with was that she turned down one of the 'in group' girl's bday party to go to a social function outside the group.

* Bossy. This can go either way. Some of the most popular girls are very bossy, but if you're not one of them, you're not allowed to be bossy.

My 10 yr old DD complains about peers that...
*have annoying behaviour, overly immature, too hyper and spazzy, poorly behaved, pesty
*kids that are aggressive or rude, have no filter
*drama queens that are always negative and looking for a problem
and then there are kids she has nothing in common with, and just doesn't click.