My daughter is the only white girl in her grade: ask me anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- what do you think of the notion that you may be playing roulette with your child's future by sending her to a school that may be perceived as substandard, when you have the means to do better? I personally do not believe this, but I hear this argument quite often on DCUM and IRL when it comes to going with local schools with high FARMs or minority rates.

OP here. I already addressed this above, but I will point out that "having the means" is really in the eye of the beholder. We rent, so yes, we could move. However, moving is disruptive and expensive. Most of the "good" schools in DC don't have a ton of rentals in general, and we're not in a position to (or interested in) buying a house right now. Even if we were, the neighborhoods those "good schools" are in are prohibitively expensive for us. Transportation costs would increase greatly, as would aftercare costs (since the "good schools" don't have nearly free aftercare like we do). Just because we COULD move doesn't mean that it would be a good thing for our family. Neither my husband nor I want to move to the suburbs, and we like where we live.

As for "playing roulette" I think that it's important that the specifics of the school my child attends are one factor in her education experience, but not the only one. Parental education level, as well as socioeconomic status, are all strong predictors for student success throughout life. My husband and I went to college, and I have an advanced degree, so likely, DD will be successful in school and attend college herself. Living in poverty, particularly during early elementary school, is correlated with poor achievement throughout a child's schooling, and the effects of housing instability and food insecurity have documented effects on children's ability to learn. My child will be fine - I have yet to see a study that indicates that an UMC child attending school with lower SES children will suffer adverse effects simply by attending school with them. I understand the concern that teachers will need to spend more time helping children with lower levels of achievement and that opportunities for advanced-level work may be limited accordingly, but again, I'm not going to preemptively pull her from this school and send her to a school with more wealthy children on the possibility that she will have problems later.

I agree with you, but only to a point. It's your privilege you're counting on to get you through, not the quality of the school, per se. I don't doubt you for a second that your daughter is doing well (and receiving many benefits) from the school. But I still get a little uncomfortable with the idea of completely erasing the fact that poor kids often get bad public institutions, because we don't take care of poor people in this country.

I agree with that. I think our school is doing a good job of responding to our student community's needs and being mindful of the issues they experience that are caused by or correlate with their SES. And the resources that come into the school, whether that's additional staff in the guidance office to provide more social-emotional support school-wide or partnerships with community organizations to bring in enrichment, benefit everyone who is part of that community. I have been impressed with the teaching staff and the way that the administration has organized them. We are exceeding all our goals, academically, though our PARCC scores were not good last year. I am hoping that the school will continue to improve, where "improve" means that "kids attending the school learn how to read and write and do math well", not "how many white kids go there."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- what do you think of the notion that you may be playing roulette with your child's future by sending her to a school that may be perceived as substandard, when you have the means to do better? I personally do not believe this, but I hear this argument quite often on DCUM and IRL when it comes to going with local schools with high FARMs or minority rates.

OP here. I already addressed this above, but I will point out that "having the means" is really in the eye of the beholder. We rent, so yes, we could move. However, moving is disruptive and expensive. Most of the "good" schools in DC don't have a ton of rentals in general, and we're not in a position to (or interested in) buying a house right now. Even if we were, the neighborhoods those "good schools" are in are prohibitively expensive for us. Transportation costs would increase greatly, as would aftercare costs (since the "good schools" don't have nearly free aftercare like we do). Just because we COULD move doesn't mean that it would be a good thing for our family. Neither my husband nor I want to move to the suburbs, and we like where we live.

As for "playing roulette" I think that it's important that the specifics of the school my child attends are one factor in her education experience, but not the only one. Parental education level, as well as socioeconomic status, are all strong predictors for student success throughout life. My husband and I went to college, and I have an advanced degree, so likely, DD will be successful in school and attend college herself. Living in poverty, particularly during early elementary school, is correlated with poor achievement throughout a child's schooling, and the effects of housing instability and food insecurity have documented effects on children's ability to learn. My child will be fine - I have yet to see a study that indicates that an UMC child attending school with lower SES children will suffer adverse effects simply by attending school with them. I understand the concern that teachers will need to spend more time helping children with lower levels of achievement and that opportunities for advanced-level work may be limited accordingly, but again, I'm not going to preemptively pull her from this school and send her to a school with more wealthy children on the possibility that she will have problems later.

I agree with you, but only to a point. It's your privilege you're counting on to get you through, not the quality of the school, per se. I don't doubt you for a second that your daughter is doing well (and receiving many benefits) from the school. But I still get a little uncomfortable with the idea of completely erasing the fact that poor kids often get bad public institutions, because we don't take care of poor people in this country.

I agree with that. I think our school is doing a good job of responding to our student community's needs and being mindful of the issues they experience that are caused by or correlate with their SES. And the resources that come into the school, whether that's additional staff in the guidance office to provide more social-emotional support school-wide or partnerships with community organizations to bring in enrichment, benefit everyone who is part of that community. I have been impressed with the teaching staff and the way that the administration has organized them. We are exceeding all our goals, academically, though our PARCC scores were not good last year. I am hoping that the school will continue to improve, where "improve" means that "kids attending the school learn how to read and write and do math well", not "how many white kids go there."

I think we think a lot alike! You've definitely changed my mind about being willing to try neighborhood schools (although likely we have a different set of considerations than you do).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- what do you think of the notion that you may be playing roulette with your child's future by sending her to a school that may be perceived as substandard, when you have the means to do better? I personally do not believe this, but I hear this argument quite often on DCUM and IRL when it comes to going with local schools with high FARMs or minority rates.

OP here. I already addressed this above, but I will point out that "having the means" is really in the eye of the beholder. We rent, so yes, we could move. However, moving is disruptive and expensive. Most of the "good" schools in DC don't have a ton of rentals in general, and we're not in a position to (or interested in) buying a house right now. Even if we were, the neighborhoods those "good schools" are in are prohibitively expensive for us. Transportation costs would increase greatly, as would aftercare costs (since the "good schools" don't have nearly free aftercare like we do). Just because we COULD move doesn't mean that it would be a good thing for our family. Neither my husband nor I want to move to the suburbs, and we like where we live.

As for "playing roulette" I think that it's important that the specifics of the school my child attends are one factor in her education experience, but not the only one. Parental education level, as well as socioeconomic status, are all strong predictors for student success throughout life. My husband and I went to college, and I have an advanced degree, so likely, DD will be successful in school and attend college herself. Living in poverty, particularly during early elementary school, is correlated with poor achievement throughout a child's schooling, and the effects of housing instability and food insecurity have documented effects on children's ability to learn. My child will be fine - I have yet to see a study that indicates that an UMC child attending school with lower SES children will suffer adverse effects simply by attending school with them. I understand the concern that teachers will need to spend more time helping children with lower levels of achievement and that opportunities for advanced-level work may be limited accordingly, but again, I'm not going to preemptively pull her from this school and send her to a school with more wealthy children on the possibility that she will have problems later.

I agree with you, but only to a point. It's your privilege you're counting on to get you through, not the quality of the school, per se. I don't doubt you for a second that your daughter is doing well (and receiving many benefits) from the school. But I still get a little uncomfortable with the idea of completely erasing the fact that poor kids often get bad public institutions, because we don't take care of poor people in this country.

I agree with that. I think our school is doing a good job of responding to our student community's needs and being mindful of the issues they experience that are caused by or correlate with their SES. And the resources that come into the school, whether that's additional staff in the guidance office to provide more social-emotional support school-wide or partnerships with community organizations to bring in enrichment, benefit everyone who is part of that community. I have been impressed with the teaching staff and the way that the administration has organized them. We are exceeding all our goals, academically, though our PARCC scores were not good last year. I am hoping that the school will continue to improve, where "improve" means that "kids attending the school learn how to read and write and do math well", not "how many white kids go there."

I think we think a lot alike! You've definitely changed my mind about being willing to try neighborhood schools (although likely we have a different set of considerations than you do).

It's definitely been a great experience for us. I hope it is for you also! What is your neighborhood school (she asked hypocritically, still refusing to disclose her own)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an African American parent, I find this post very troubling- the freak show aspect of it (come talk to me about what it is like to be surrounded by those black people) and the parents that are asking the most inane questions. This anonymous board just allows people to do things they would never do in real life.

+1. Yes, I agree. Am not black but the "freak show" aspect is troublesome. Starting from OP's post.

+2.

Can we please once and for all stop filtering everything along the lines of skin color?

I'm afraid that is never going to happen since there are human instincts involved that can never be completely neutralized. Few people will ever manage to be fully color blind. But certainly nothing is going to change for the better if make such questions taboo and vilify those who ask them as racists.

I think OP posted in good faith, and I hope her thread is going to encourage more people to give their neighborhood schools a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- what do you think of the notion that you may be playing roulette with your child's future by sending her to a school that may be perceived as substandard, when you have the means to do better? I personally do not believe this, but I hear this argument quite often on DCUM and IRL when it comes to going with local schools with high FARMs or minority rates.

OP here. I already addressed this above, but I will point out that "having the means" is really in the eye of the beholder. We rent, so yes, we could move. However, moving is disruptive and expensive. Most of the "good" schools in DC don't have a ton of rentals in general, and we're not in a position to (or interested in) buying a house right now. Even if we were, the neighborhoods those "good schools" are in are prohibitively expensive for us. Transportation costs would increase greatly, as would aftercare costs (since the "good schools" don't have nearly free aftercare like we do). Just because we COULD move doesn't mean that it would be a good thing for our family. Neither my husband nor I want to move to the suburbs, and we like where we live.

As for "playing roulette" I think that it's important that the specifics of the school my child attends are one factor in her education experience, but not the only one. Parental education level, as well as socioeconomic status, are all strong predictors for student success throughout life. My husband and I went to college, and I have an advanced degree, so likely, DD will be successful in school and attend college herself. Living in poverty, particularly during early elementary school, is correlated with poor achievement throughout a child's schooling, and the effects of housing instability and food insecurity have documented effects on children's ability to learn. My child will be fine - I have yet to see a study that indicates that an UMC child attending school with lower SES children will suffer adverse effects simply by attending school with them. I understand the concern that teachers will need to spend more time helping children with lower levels of achievement and that opportunities for advanced-level work may be limited accordingly, but again, I'm not going to preemptively pull her from this school and send her to a school with more wealthy children on the possibility that she will have problems later.

I agree with you, but only to a point. It's your privilege you're counting on to get you through, not the quality of the school, per se. I don't doubt you for a second that your daughter is doing well (and receiving many benefits) from the school. But I still get a little uncomfortable with the idea of completely erasing the fact that poor kids often get bad public institutions, because we don't take care of poor people in this country.

I agree with that. I think our school is doing a good job of responding to our student community's needs and being mindful of the issues they experience that are caused by or correlate with their SES. And the resources that come into the school, whether that's additional staff in the guidance office to provide more social-emotional support school-wide or partnerships with community organizations to bring in enrichment, benefit everyone who is part of that community. I have been impressed with the teaching staff and the way that the administration has organized them. We are exceeding all our goals, academically, though our PARCC scores were not good last year. I am hoping that the school will continue to improve, where "improve" means that "kids attending the school learn how to read and write and do math well", not "how many white kids go there."

I think we think a lot alike! You've definitely changed my mind about being willing to try neighborhood schools (although likely we have a different set of considerations than you do).

It's definitely been a great experience for us. I hope it is for you also! What is your neighborhood school (she asked hypocritically, still refusing to disclose her own)?

The one I'm thinking about is Miner in Capitol Hill. Also thinking ahead to Jr High.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I'm the poster who posted the rather detailed numbered questions about how frankly you talk about race with your kid. Thanks for your answers.

I don't claim to be any expert in how to deal with this. But the book Nuture Shock really changed my thinking and now I discuss race extremely explicitly with my very young kids. I don't wait for them to ask questions or bring things up. I bring up issues myself, just like I do for sex education or discussion of death or discussion of any touchy subject that we adults have a tendency to avoid. I find books to read that open up discussions, etc. Sometimes the discussions are excruciating but I persevere.

Anyway, I think it's probably pretty obvious to your kid that she or he is "the only white kid." The fact that she or he hasn't ever brought it up may indeed mean that it's not a "thing." Or, it could mean that your kid has picked up that race is such a sensitive "thing" that it cannot be openly discussed. It's something to think about.

Anyway, I'm glad you guys have found a school that works for you and, given my commitment to open discussion, I understand why you started this thread. I can see why some people would find it uncomfortable at times but I still think it's worthwhile. I went to a school that was almost entirely white and my kids are going to have a very different experience, which I think is a great thing. But even in "diverse" schools, kids tend to self-segregate. I think it takes constant work and discussion to fight against very powerful unspoken currents in society that can drag us all down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real? You honestly do not think that your child can tell the difference between her and the other kids? Kids see skin color even when they are toddlers.

You are deluding yourself that you are somehow being super liberal, or open minded, or awesome, or whatever. The other kids who are there - their parents may not have any choice where they send their kid to school - income and ability to move may hamper their school choices but it doesn't mean that they would not take the chance to move to a better performing school, a school with less FARMs rates, a school that was actually diverse. The other parents are likely to look at you and not think you are some beacon of open minded liberalness but are just dumb for making such a bad choice for your child when you have the privilege and ability to make a good school choice.

OP here. I know she can tell the difference between herself and other kids. I'm just not sure that race is one of the important differentiators to her at this point. I don't think she walked into first grade and thought, "Wow, I'm the only white kid in here." I suspect she walked in and thought, "Hey, it's X, Y, Z friends from last year."

School choice in this city - or the illusion of school choice - causes people to make big changes in anticipation of problems that may never actually occur. I do not believe in doing that - for myself or for my daughter. I have a job that I like, where I am paid well and the work is interesting with interesting colleagues, but I could make more money at other organizations or in other roles. I choose to stay here, where everything is fine, despite these other, potentially better opportunities. Things are great here now, but maybe my awesome boss will retire and I'll get a terrible new boss. Maybe this year's holiday bonus will be tiny in comparison with last year's. Maybe my company will close down in 10 years. Are any of those good reasons for me to look for new jobs, given that none of them have occurred, but they MIGHT?

We didn't have a chance to send her to a different school. This is the school we got into, in the neighborhood where we live. Yes, we could move, but it would upend our family life to do so and I don't feel that's necessary since as I have mentioned several times throughout this thread, SHE IS DOING FINE WHERE SHE IS. I don't understand why this is hard for you to believe or accept. She's learning, she's happy, she's got friends, I have friends there too, and I think it's stupid to leave a situation that is working well for everyone in anticipation of it working less well.

Duh, of course she did and that is normal and ok. Again, please stop deluding yourself and feeling the need to pretend that your child can not see that she is the only kid in the class with light skin and that she may in fact at times feel left out. No kid likes to be the only kid in a class who is different. YOu seem absolutely desparate to prove you are some hip, cool liberal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an African American parent, I find this post very troubling- the freak show aspect of it (come talk to me about what it is like to be surrounded by those black people) and the parents that are asking the most inane questions. This anonymous board just allows people to do things they would never do in real life.

+1. Yes, I agree. Am not black but the "freak show" aspect is troublesome. Starting from OP's post.

+2.

Can we please once and for all stop filtering everything along the lines of skin color?

I'm afraid that is never going to happen since there are human instincts involved that can never be completely neutralized. Few people will ever manage to be fully color blind. But certainly nothing is going to change for the better if make such questions taboo and vilify those who ask them as racists.

I think OP posted in good faith, and I hope her thread is going to encourage more people to give their neighborhood schools a try.[/quote

Nothing will change if we act as if 2016 is 1816.

It aint.]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No, I think once you go thru the process with older one, your views change. When you have only one young kid like you, your views are still naive/innocent. Don't get me wrong. I think what you are doing is great but the reality can be harsh for your DD later. "

+1 million.

Here's the deal. Every one of my friends who was enthused about their diverse school when their kids were in K were reconsidering their decision to stay by third grade, when the lack of academic intensity becomes apparent. And all but one have pulled their kids from their original schools to put them into higher performing schools.

OP here.

A lot of my friends moved to the suburbs when they had kids. I don't want to do that, because I like where I live. I kind of resent your blanket "here's the deal" as though your experience is inevitable. It's not. I'm not putting my fingers in my ears ignoring the potential issues, but I personally am not going to take evasive action before the issues even arise. If the school stops meeting DD's academic needs, we can move somewhere that does. If middle school remains a huge clusterfuck in 3/4 years, we can move somewhere that is not. If she starts getting picked on for being white, my first choice would be to deal with that bullying like any other bullying and not assume that every kid she interacts with is going to be a racist bully.

You are being very selfish OP. sorry, I know it sounds harsh, but you are giving your child a crappy education because you dont feel like moving. 99% SES ??!!??!!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No, I think once you go thru the process with older one, your views change. When you have only one young kid like you, your views are still naive/innocent. Don't get me wrong. I think what you are doing is great but the reality can be harsh for your DD later. "

+1 million.

Here's the deal. Every one of my friends who was enthused about their diverse school when their kids were in K were reconsidering their decision to stay by third grade, when the lack of academic intensity becomes apparent. And all but one have pulled their kids from their original schools to put them into higher performing schools.

OP here.

A lot of my friends moved to the suburbs when they had kids. I don't want to do that, because I like where I live. I kind of resent your blanket "here's the deal" as though your experience is inevitable. It's not. I'm not putting my fingers in my ears ignoring the potential issues, but I personally am not going to take evasive action before the issues even arise. If the school stops meeting DD's academic needs, we can move somewhere that does. If middle school remains a huge clusterfuck in 3/4 years, we can move somewhere that is not. If she starts getting picked on for being white, my first choice would be to deal with that bullying like any other bullying and not assume that every kid she interacts with is going to be a racist bully.

You are being very selfish OP. sorry, I know it sounds harsh, but you are giving your child a crappy education because you dont feel like moving. 99% SES ??!!??!!!!!!!!!

It doesn't sounds like her daughter is getting a crappy education at all. Quite the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, thanks for posting this!
My son is also a rising 1st grader in a school that is 70% Latino, 70% farms. The school also has about 25% proficiency in both English and math.
It's interesting that a lot of friends have been giving me grief for my decision to send him there. I don't know why they take it so close to heart.

So far the only problem was arranging playdates- my kid didn't become close friends with anyone who seems easy to arrange a Playdate with, except for one kid. Latinos at our school don't seem to be up for play dates that much and tend to stick together.

What worries me is the level of academic instruction. However, my child was not top of the class in K. He got to attend summer school with an enrichment component just by the virtue of attending a title 1 school, and that gave him a boost, plus we try to discuss what they learn and I try to casually supplement.
I have compared what he knows to what his friends from higher ranked schools know, and so far he is not behind, rather, it is the opposite.
The only thing that bothers me is that if we need to change schools it will be harder on my kid once he is past 2-3 grade.
I don't know what to ask you I was just happy to read a post from someone in similar shoes.

I'm not your friend, and I completely understand why your real friends are checking you. You're deliberately sending your child to a sh*tty school! Why did you have him if you weren't going to do right by him? You suck as a parent.

OP here. PP, mind your own business. Where the other PP chooses to send her kid to school has zero bearing on your life.

As to the other PP, vis a vis play dates, I would say that you should reach out to your child's teacher and see what he or she thinks is the best way to approach the situation. Another thing I've noticed, honestly, is that DD gets a ton of social interaction during the school day and in aftercare. Evenings and weekends are family time for us, and I know that a lot of families feel the same. For example, DD's best friend's family basically reserves Sunday as church and grandma day, and on Saturdays, they have extracurricular activities that make scheduling playdates difficult. This may be what is going on in your son's situation, but I think it also helps to make these things accessible to everyone. We do park playdates, and have done all summer. Sometimes we go closer to where they live (they are OOB) and sometimes they come down closer to us.

I have also noticed that the enrichment is helpful. Academically, my concern is more for next year and the year after than this year. Kindergarten was for socialization, and first grade seems to be when things shift from "fun" to "school." I hope your son's trajectory maintains and that you are able to negotiate these things with grace.

OP, just wanted to let you know how much I like and appreciate your answers even to the most controversial and downright rude remarks.
I am sure your daughter will be fine in pretty much any setting as you seem to be very hands on and aware of how to react, if I may.

Play dates: my son has been begging me to invite this one boy, we already chatted with parents a number of times, but they keep turning down play dates unless it at the school playground after school. I usually suggest (have done so 3 times), they choose a day that doesn't work for me, I suggest a range of dates instead and they never get back to me. They invited my son for their son's birthday party at a park, but the play date thing is just going nowhere.
Unfortunately my son hasn't asked about play dates with anyone else.

[Anonymous]

I went to school with a large minority population - perhaps 35%. However they overwhelming were in the special ed programs. However in the hallways they intensionaly created havoc and at basketball games as well. Now I send my kids to a W school in MOCo.

[Anonymous]

Why sacrifice her education and view of the world when you could do better. You surely want better for your kids?

[Anonymous]

So, how are good schools actually better than not so good ones? If they are safe and teacher quality is comparable, what are the terrible dangers of attending a "bad" school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No, I think once you go thru the process with older one, your views change. When you have only one young kid like you, your views are still naive/innocent. Don't get me wrong. I think what you are doing is great but the reality can be harsh for your DD later. "

+1 million.

Here's the deal. Every one of my friends who was enthused about their diverse school when their kids were in K were reconsidering their decision to stay by third grade, when the lack of academic intensity becomes apparent. And all but one have pulled their kids from their original schools to put them into higher performing schools.

OP here.

A lot of my friends moved to the suburbs when they had kids. I don't want to do that, because I like where I live. I kind of resent your blanket "here's the deal" as though your experience is inevitable. It's not. I'm not putting my fingers in my ears ignoring the potential issues, but I personally am not going to take evasive action before the issues even arise. If the school stops meeting DD's academic needs, we can move somewhere that does. If middle school remains a huge clusterfuck in 3/4 years, we can move somewhere that is not. If she starts getting picked on for being white, my first choice would be to deal with that bullying like any other bullying and not assume that every kid she interacts with is going to be a racist bully.

You are being very selfish OP. sorry, I know it sounds harsh, but you are giving your child a crappy education because you dont feel like moving. 99% SES ??!!??!!!!!!!!!

OP here. I'm not interested in arguing with you about this anymore, but I did want to address a couple things.

1) where a family lives is a huge decision that factors in a lot of variables. It's not as simple as "I don't feel like moving," as I discussed earlier. There are three people in this family, each of whom have needs. You seem to think that I picked where to live based on some hipster dream of brunch, which could not be further from the truth. We live in an apartment that meets DH's and my criteria, is walking distance from a school DD can attend, and close enough to DH's and my jobs that we can get to and from work in <half an hour. Maybe that isn't important to you. Maybe your family sacrifices everything to send your kids to a highly rated school. That's fine. I'm not the one criticizing your choices and calling you a crappy selfish parent.

2) "99% SES" is a nonsense statement. 100% of everyone has some SES. I assume you meant 99% FARMs, which isn't a hell of a lot better. I do not believe in reducing children to their parents' SES - high or low - and I don't think it speaks well of you that you are comfortable doing so. As I mentioned last week, a dozen pages ago, the true FARM number is more like 70% - in DC, community eligibility schools consider the overall demographics of the area and if the number and families eligible for SNAP is over a certain level, the school is designated community eligibility, everyone gets free lunch, and the school is listed as 99% FARM. Our actual rate is somewhere between 60% and 70%.