My daughter is the only white girl in her grade: ask me anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an African American parent, I find this post very troubling- the freak show aspect of it (come talk to me about what it is like to be surrounded by those black people) and the parents that are asking the most inane questions. This anonymous board just allows people to do things they would never do in real life.

+1. Yes, I agree. Am not black but the "freak show" aspect is troublesome. Starting from OP's post.

Well, what else was OP supposed to do to advance the conversation?

I don't think these "color me" threads advance anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is your oldest, I assume?

She is an only child. Why do you ask?

Because your responses show. Just wanted to confirm.

Okay. I don't see how it's relevant. I have one child. I will likely not have another child for medical reasons. How does this relate to my experience?

It's relevant because at some point (soon) you will have to deal with the difference between your idealistic views and the reality of what your DD will have to deal with.

So, now all y'all know what many of our children of color go through be the only one of their kind at a predominantly white school. Shoe on the other foot now ain't it?

If it's a high ses area probably nothing, Obama's kids probably fit in without issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an African American parent, I find this post very troubling- the freak show aspect of it (come talk to me about what it is like to be surrounded by those black people) and the parents that are asking the most inane questions. This anonymous board just allows people to do things they would never do in real life.

+1. Yes, I agree. Am not black but the "freak show" aspect is troublesome. Starting from OP's post.

Well, what else was OP supposed to do to advance the conversation?

I don't think these "color me" threads advance anything.

I disagree. I think they might encourage folks to actually try out their neighborhood school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is your oldest, I assume?

She is an only child. Why do you ask?

Because your responses show. Just wanted to confirm.

Okay. I don't see how it's relevant. I have one child. I will likely not have another child for medical reasons. How does this relate to my experience?

It's relevant because at some point (soon) you will have to deal with the difference between your idealistic views and the reality of what your DD will have to deal with.

So, now all y'all know what many of our children of color go through be the only one of their kind at a predominantly white school. Shoe on the other foot now ain't it?

If it's a high ses area probably nothing, Obama's kids probably fit in without issue.

Well, that's probably not a good example. They are Obama's kids. They aren't just any other kids. Just like Chelsea probably didn't completely fit in when she went there. Being the President's kid and on the news and all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an African American parent, I find this post very troubling- the freak show aspect of it (come talk to me about what it is like to be surrounded by those black people) and the parents that are asking the most inane questions. This anonymous board just allows people to do things they would never do in real life.

+1. Yes, I agree. Am not black but the "freak show" aspect is troublesome. Starting from OP's post.

Well, what else was OP supposed to do to advance the conversation?

I don't think these "color me" threads advance anything.

I disagree. I think they might encourage folks to actually try out their neighborhood school.

You don't need to remind me what color I am. I have to live in this skin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is your oldest, I assume?

She is an only child. Why do you ask?

Because your responses show. Just wanted to confirm.

Okay. I don't see how it's relevant. I have one child. I will likely not have another child for medical reasons. How does this relate to my experience?

It's relevant because at some point (soon) you will have to deal with the difference between your idealistic views and the reality of what your DD will have to deal with.

So, now all y'all know what many of our children of color go through be the only one of their kind at a predominantly white school. Shoe on the other foot now ain't it?

If it's a high ses area probably nothing, Obama's kids probably fit in without issue.

You are obviously not a person of color. Yes, higher SES AAs will have likely have less trouble adjusting than those from lower SES backgrounds, but there can still be issues. See this and many other threads in the private school forum:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/568946.page#9189060

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an African American parent, I find this post very troubling- the freak show aspect of it (come talk to me about what it is like to be surrounded by those black people) and the parents that are asking the most inane questions. This anonymous board just allows people to do things they would never do in real life.

+1. Yes, I agree. Am not black but the "freak show" aspect is troublesome. Starting from OP's post.

Well, what else was OP supposed to do to advance the conversation?

I don't think these "color me" threads advance anything.

I disagree. I think they might encourage folks to actually try out their neighborhood school.

You don't need to remind me what color I am. I have to live in this skin.

Um, I'm AA, and send my child to a predominantly AA DCPS school. Many of my neighbors are not AA, and may feel nervous about their kid being in the minority. This thread was started in good faith, IMO, to address some of these concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you worry about how things may change as she gets olders? Kids get meaner and nastier as they get older as you know. Are you concerned about how other kids treat her?

I agree that things get more complicated as kids get old. My operating theory right now is that by the time things get very complicated, she will be a member of the community, rather than some random white girl. I am not currently concerned about how other kids treat her, but I'm also not ignoring the possibility.

Thanks for saying that, OP. The posters who argue that you'll change your mind somewhere down the road are so annoying. Yes, if things change down the road, one might make different decisions about schools. But why anticipate something that hasn't happened yet? Does it make sense to make choices out of fear or to make a choice based on factual information available at the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(1) How frankly do you discuss issues of race with your child? Have you openly talked about the fact that your kid is the only one in class with pink skin? (or whatever shade you consider to be "white") What does your child make of it?

(2) You say maybe it would be nice for the AA boys to see some one in the school who looks like them who is a teacher instead of a janitor. Well surely that would be nice for your kid too. Have you talked with your child about the fact that the teachers are mostly white, like your kid, but the vast majority of the students are not? What messages do you think your kid takes from that?

(3) When you socialize, at work or at home, does your child see you interacting with people of other races and does your kid do so? Or is this something your kid only does at school?

(4) Is your child friends with white neighborhood children who do not attend the neighborhood school? Have discussions of that--the fact that these other kids do not go to the school--come up?

(5) Do you feel your child would be comfortable talking with you if in fact there was exclusion or bullying due to race?

(6) Lets say you decide to remove your kid from this school at some point and go to another school for better academic rigor or some other reason, where your kid is suddenly not the only white kid. Will this be discussed? What possible lessons will your kid take from this?

I'm asking these questions with no agenda; I am genuinely just curious. I am not sending my kid to my neighborhood school but this has nothing to do with race and more to do with wanting a different educational philosophy and teaching style (the school we choose is still diverse and as a white kid my kid will be in the minority but less so than in the neighborhood school). We talk very frankly about race in my house as the kids notice it and are curious about all sorts of things.

I really appreciate the questions. I will do my best to answer them.

1) We discuss race pretty frankly with DD. I am actually not sure that she is aware that she's "the only white girl" in her class and am hesitant to ask her because I don't want to make it a thing if it's not already a thing. She is aware of racism, and as I mentioned early in this thread, she is aware that she looks different from some of her friends and has a different cultural heritage than others. She is aware of historical racism from things she's learned in school and things we've discussed at home (civil rights movement - schools like to focus on Ruby Bridges because I think they think Ruby Bridges is more relatable for kids than other civil rights figures). I don't really think there's much to be gained by pointing out the difference that she's not already thinking about. Maybe I am wrong.

2) We haven't talked about the racial makeup of the staff. I try to bring things up with her in context, and there has not been a context for this. Maybe I am wrong there as well.

3 & 4) We have multi-racial friends - our friend group is actually a lot more diverse than her school. I admit that the biggest percentage of my socializing with people of color happens at work, and she does not see that because I don't/can't take her to work with me. But yes, we socialize with a racially and ethnically diverse group of people outside her school friend group. She's got friends who go to charter schools, but all her friends who are in DCPS go to their IB school. We haven't discussed the racial makeup of their schools. The kids who live(d) in our school boundary who don't go to the school have largely moved to other parts of the city/other states. So she knows that they moved and go to a different school now. To the best of my knowledge, those school decisions weren't motivated by racial factors, so that is not something we discuss in that context.

5) She has been comfortable talking to me about instances when she's had a problem with another kid and has been candid about why she believes that the problem exists. She has also mentioned feeling left out in PK4 because she didn't speak Spanish like her friends. At that time, we talked about how her friends speak Spanish at home, how everyone in her school takes Spanish, and how this is an opportunity for her to learn to speak Spanish with her friends. I also pointed out that having friends who are native speakers is very helpful if she is struggling with learning in Spanish, and how she can also help with English words for kids who speak little English.

6) I would discuss the racial differences between her old school and her new school with her if it were contextually appropriate or if she asked. I don't know that I would point it out otherwise.

Overall, my way of handling this has been not to put too fine a point on the racial differences and address them as they come up, if they come up, in contextually relevant ways. Kids are going to have differences, and I don't want her to attribute differences to race alone, mostly because I highly doubt that that will be the only (or even the main) explanation. She is 6 years old, and her experience right now has not been affected by this issue, which is why I started this thread: I see new parents being very concerned about this, and for us, it just has not been the tricky situation that many new parents seem to assume it will be.

Are you for real? You honestly do not think that your child can tell the difference between her and the other kids? Kids see skin color even when they are toddlers.

You are deluding yourself that you are somehow being super liberal, or open minded, or awesome, or whatever. The other kids who are there - their parents may not have any choice where they send their kid to school - income and ability to move may hamper their school choices but it doesn't mean that they would not take the chance to move to a better performing school, a school with less FARMs rates, a school that was actually diverse. The other parents are likely to look at you and not think you are some beacon of open minded liberalness but are just dumb for making such a bad choice for your child when you have the privilege and ability to make a good school choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real? You honestly do not think that your child can tell the difference between her and the other kids? Kids see skin color even when they are toddlers.

You are deluding yourself that you are somehow being super liberal, or open minded, or awesome, or whatever. The other kids who are there - their parents may not have any choice where they send their kid to school - income and ability to move may hamper their school choices but it doesn't mean that they would not take the chance to move to a better performing school, a school with less FARMs rates, a school that was actually diverse. The other parents are likely to look at you and not think you are some beacon of open minded liberalness but are just dumb for making such a bad choice for your child when you have the privilege and ability to make a good school choice.

OP here. I know she can tell the difference between herself and other kids. I'm just not sure that race is one of the important differentiators to her at this point. I don't think she walked into first grade and thought, "Wow, I'm the only white kid in here." I suspect she walked in and thought, "Hey, it's X, Y, Z friends from last year."

School choice in this city - or the illusion of school choice - causes people to make big changes in anticipation of problems that may never actually occur. I do not believe in doing that - for myself or for my daughter. I have a job that I like, where I am paid well and the work is interesting with interesting colleagues, but I could make more money at other organizations or in other roles. I choose to stay here, where everything is fine, despite these other, potentially better opportunities. Things are great here now, but maybe my awesome boss will retire and I'll get a terrible new boss. Maybe this year's holiday bonus will be tiny in comparison with last year's. Maybe my company will close down in 10 years. Are any of those good reasons for me to look for new jobs, given that none of them have occurred, but they MIGHT?

We didn't have a chance to send her to a different school. This is the school we got into, in the neighborhood where we live. Yes, we could move, but it would upend our family life to do so and I don't feel that's necessary since as I have mentioned several times throughout this thread, SHE IS DOING FINE WHERE SHE IS. I don't understand why this is hard for you to believe or accept. She's learning, she's happy, she's got friends, I have friends there too, and I think it's stupid to leave a situation that is working well for everyone in anticipation of it working less well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an African American parent, I find this post very troubling- the freak show aspect of it (come talk to me about what it is like to be surrounded by those black people) and the parents that are asking the most inane questions. This anonymous board just allows people to do things they would never do in real life.

+1. Yes, I agree. Am not black but the "freak show" aspect is troublesome. Starting from OP's post.

+2.

Can we please once and for all stop filtering everything along the lines of skin color?

Well that's kind of hypocritical since OP is one of the rare parents actually willing to buck the trend on the lines of skin color, yet now she somehow gets called out for it?

I agree. Whites, in general, are criticized for not thinking or talking about race. For various reasons, white families have opted out of sending their kids to schools that a high percentages of POC. OP is not one of those people. She wants to have an open discussion about it.

Yes, this discussion has racially insensitive elements. Thats okay. Honestly, trolls excluded, I think the only way to have a healthy conversation is to get all of stuff out.

FWIW, I'm AA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real? You honestly do not think that your child can tell the difference between her and the other kids? Kids see skin color even when they are toddlers.

You are deluding yourself that you are somehow being super liberal, or open minded, or awesome, or whatever. The other kids who are there - their parents may not have any choice where they send their kid to school - income and ability to move may hamper their school choices but it doesn't mean that they would not take the chance to move to a better performing school, a school with less FARMs rates, a school that was actually diverse. The other parents are likely to look at you and not think you are some beacon of open minded liberalness but are just dumb for making such a bad choice for your child when you have the privilege and ability to make a good school choice.

OP here. I know she can tell the difference between herself and other kids. I'm just not sure that race is one of the important differentiators to her at this point. I don't think she walked into first grade and thought, "Wow, I'm the only white kid in here." I suspect she walked in and thought, "Hey, it's X, Y, Z friends from last year."

School choice in this city - or the illusion of school choice - causes people to make big changes in anticipation of problems that may never actually occur. I do not believe in doing that - for myself or for my daughter. I have a job that I like, where I am paid well and the work is interesting with interesting colleagues, but I could make more money at other organizations or in other roles. I choose to stay here, where everything is fine, despite these other, potentially better opportunities. Things are great here now, but maybe my awesome boss will retire and I'll get a terrible new boss. Maybe this year's holiday bonus will be tiny in comparison with last year's. Maybe my company will close down in 10 years. Are any of those good reasons for me to look for new jobs, given that none of them have occurred, but they MIGHT?

We didn't have a chance to send her to a different school. This is the school we got into, in the neighborhood where we live. Yes, we could move, but it would upend our family life to do so and I don't feel that's necessary since as I have mentioned several times throughout this thread, SHE IS DOING FINE WHERE SHE IS. I don't understand why this is hard for you to believe or accept. She's learning, she's happy, she's got friends, I have friends there too, and I think it's stupid to leave a situation that is working well for everyone in anticipation of it working less well.

OP- what do you think of the notion that you may be playing roulette with your child's future by sending her to a school that may be perceived as substandard, when you have the means to do better? I personally do not believe this, but I hear this argument quite often on DCUM and IRL when it comes to going with local schools with high FARMs or minority rates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real? You honestly do not think that your child can tell the difference between her and the other kids? Kids see skin color even when they are toddlers.

You are deluding yourself that you are somehow being super liberal, or open minded, or awesome, or whatever. The other kids who are there - their parents may not have any choice where they send their kid to school - income and ability to move may hamper their school choices but it doesn't mean that they would not take the chance to move to a better performing school, a school with less FARMs rates, a school that was actually diverse. The other parents are likely to look at you and not think you are some beacon of open minded liberalness but are just dumb for making such a bad choice for your child when you have the privilege and ability to make a good school choice.

OP here. I know she can tell the difference between herself and other kids. I'm just not sure that race is one of the important differentiators to her at this point. I don't think she walked into first grade and thought, "Wow, I'm the only white kid in here." I suspect she walked in and thought, "Hey, it's X, Y, Z friends from last year."

School choice in this city - or the illusion of school choice - causes people to make big changes in anticipation of problems that may never actually occur. I do not believe in doing that - for myself or for my daughter. I have a job that I like, where I am paid well and the work is interesting with interesting colleagues, but I could make more money at other organizations or in other roles. I choose to stay here, where everything is fine, despite these other, potentially better opportunities. Things are great here now, but maybe my awesome boss will retire and I'll get a terrible new boss. Maybe this year's holiday bonus will be tiny in comparison with last year's. Maybe my company will close down in 10 years. Are any of those good reasons for me to look for new jobs, given that none of them have occurred, but they MIGHT?

We didn't have a chance to send her to a different school. This is the school we got into, in the neighborhood where we live. Yes, we could move, but it would upend our family life to do so and I don't feel that's necessary since as I have mentioned several times throughout this thread, SHE IS DOING FINE WHERE SHE IS. I don't understand why this is hard for you to believe or accept. She's learning, she's happy, she's got friends, I have friends there too, and I think it's stupid to leave a situation that is working well for everyone in anticipation of it working less well.

OP- what do you think of the notion that you may be playing roulette with your child's future by sending her to a school that may be perceived as substandard, when you have the means to do better? I personally do not believe this, but I hear this argument quite often on DCUM and IRL when it comes to going with local schools with high FARMs or minority rates.

I think she answered this question in the above post, and also elsewhere throughout this thread. tl/dr: They like their neighborhood, they landed at their neighborhood school, the kid is doing fine at present, and if at some point this is not the case, they'll leave/move if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- what do you think of the notion that you may be playing roulette with your child's future by sending her to a school that may be perceived as substandard, when you have the means to do better? I personally do not believe this, but I hear this argument quite often on DCUM and IRL when it comes to going with local schools with high FARMs or minority rates.

OP here. I already addressed this above, but I will point out that "having the means" is really in the eye of the beholder. We rent, so yes, we could move. However, moving is disruptive and expensive. Most of the "good" schools in DC don't have a ton of rentals in general, and we're not in a position to (or interested in) buying a house right now. Even if we were, the neighborhoods those "good schools" are in are prohibitively expensive for us. Transportation costs would increase greatly, as would aftercare costs (since the "good schools" don't have nearly free aftercare like we do). Just because we COULD move doesn't mean that it would be a good thing for our family. Neither my husband nor I want to move to the suburbs, and we like where we live.

As for "playing roulette" I think that it's important that the specifics of the school my child attends are one factor in her education experience, but not the only one. Parental education level, as well as socioeconomic status, are all strong predictors for student success throughout life. My husband and I went to college, and I have an advanced degree, so likely, DD will be successful in school and attend college herself. Living in poverty, particularly during early elementary school, is correlated with poor achievement throughout a child's schooling, and the effects of housing instability and food insecurity have documented effects on children's ability to learn. My child will be fine - I have yet to see a study that indicates that an UMC child attending school with lower SES children will suffer adverse effects simply by attending school with them. I understand the concern that teachers will need to spend more time helping children with lower levels of achievement and that opportunities for advanced-level work may be limited accordingly, but again, I'm not going to preemptively pull her from this school and send her to a school with more wealthy children on the possibility that she will have problems later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- what do you think of the notion that you may be playing roulette with your child's future by sending her to a school that may be perceived as substandard, when you have the means to do better? I personally do not believe this, but I hear this argument quite often on DCUM and IRL when it comes to going with local schools with high FARMs or minority rates.

OP here. I already addressed this above, but I will point out that "having the means" is really in the eye of the beholder. We rent, so yes, we could move. However, moving is disruptive and expensive. Most of the "good" schools in DC don't have a ton of rentals in general, and we're not in a position to (or interested in) buying a house right now. Even if we were, the neighborhoods those "good schools" are in are prohibitively expensive for us. Transportation costs would increase greatly, as would aftercare costs (since the "good schools" don't have nearly free aftercare like we do). Just because we COULD move doesn't mean that it would be a good thing for our family. Neither my husband nor I want to move to the suburbs, and we like where we live.

As for "playing roulette" I think that it's important that the specifics of the school my child attends are one factor in her education experience, but not the only one. Parental education level, as well as socioeconomic status, are all strong predictors for student success throughout life. My husband and I went to college, and I have an advanced degree, so likely, DD will be successful in school and attend college herself. Living in poverty, particularly during early elementary school, is correlated with poor achievement throughout a child's schooling, and the effects of housing instability and food insecurity have documented effects on children's ability to learn. My child will be fine - I have yet to see a study that indicates that an UMC child attending school with lower SES children will suffer adverse effects simply by attending school with them. I understand the concern that teachers will need to spend more time helping children with lower levels of achievement and that opportunities for advanced-level work may be limited accordingly, but again, I'm not going to preemptively pull her from this school and send her to a school with more wealthy children on the possibility that she will have problems later.

I agree with you, but only to a point. It's your privilege you're counting on to get you through, not the quality of the school, per se. I don't doubt you for a second that your daughter is doing well (and receiving many benefits) from the school. But I still get a little uncomfortable with the idea of completely erasing the fact that poor kids often get bad public institutions, because we don't take care of poor people in this country.