I wish I had never become a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. PP, you've made your point. I was in a bad place yesterday. I'm in a bad place again today. I'm doing the best I know how and nothing seems good enough. That was the whole point of my OP in this post. Obviously my efforts to overcome my own fucked up family, work hard to get an education, succeed in my career and provide a good, stable home aren't working. My kid is afraid to go anywhere, do anything, and I can't for the life of me understand why other than I passed on my fucked up genes like an idiot and now this. He was a happy kid until age three and then it all started to fall apart. I feel like no matter what decisions we make, they will be wrong in some way. Nothing is working so far.

Honestly, he'd probably be better off without me. But I won't do that. So I'm seeing a therapist today and asking for drugs. And asking his therapist for a plan. I'll do whatever she says. And I've accepted that my life will pretty much solely consist of working and managing these issues. There's no time or energy for anything else.

There are many of us who aren't in your shoes and understand your anger, frustration, and sadness. I only support you and just know that you are not wrong to feel how you do. Ignore the nasty posts, they are from nasty people. You are 100% allowed to vent and feel a certain way. I am happy to read you have a supportive DH. I also agree that even despite however much money you make, if both of you want to work, you should. Not 100% of our lives can be dedicated to our children. We have to have an outlet or insanity starts to grow.

I hope today gets a little better for you. Hugs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. PP, you've made your point. I was in a bad place yesterday. I'm in a bad place again today. I'm doing the best I know how and nothing seems good enough. That was the whole point of my OP in this post. Obviously my efforts to overcome my own fucked up family, work hard to get an education, succeed in my career and provide a good, stable home aren't working. My kid is afraid to go anywhere, do anything, and I can't for the life of me understand why other than I passed on my fucked up genes like an idiot and now this. He was a happy kid until age three and then it all started to fall apart. I feel like no matter what decisions we make, they will be wrong in some way. Nothing is working so far.

Honestly, he'd probably be better off without me. But I won't do that. So I'm seeing a therapist today and asking for drugs. And asking his therapist for a plan. I'll do whatever she says. And I've accepted that my life will pretty much solely consist of working and managing these issues. There's no time or energy for anything else.

There are many of us who aren't in your shoes and understand your anger, frustration, and sadness. I only support you and just know that you are not wrong to feel how you do. Ignore the nasty posts, they are from nasty people. You are 100% allowed to vent and feel a certain way. I am happy to read you have a supportive DH. I also agree that even despite however much money you make, if both of you want to work, you should. Not 100% of our lives can be dedicated to our children. We have to have an outlet or insanity starts to grow.

I hope today gets a little better for you. Hugs!

+1000. Virtual hugs OP. Forget about the harpies who believe they are perfect in every way, with fault or criticism. OP take care of yourself and in turn take care of your child. It appears that you have a plan. Please work through it.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, that should read " without fault or criticism". Anyway, that's what they believe, as it makes them feel better about themselves.

[Anonymous]

+ a million. I am so sorry you have this much stress and exhaustion in your life. Things will get better over time as he matures developmentally. He'll become better equipped to handle his struggles independently as he ages. Meanwhile, I know it's just trying to get through it one minute at a time. You absolutely did the right thing to come here to vent. It's anonymous and there are people here in your shoes who understand exactly what you're feeling. As the others have said, ignore the bashing. No matter what you put on this board, there are responders who feel self-righteous without putting themselves in others' shoes. Skip over those and only pay attention to the helpful replies.

I haven't had a chance to read all the responses so please forgive if this is a repeat or already been addressed. With both of you working, is there any room for part-time help to come in and relieve any of the burdens? It seems that at the core of your feelings, it's needing a consistent break. To have your time for your own self-healing and regrouping. Any kind of outside help would relieve at least some of your exhaustion, even if it's taking just 1-2 more things off your shoulders. There's outside help for meals, cleaning which you're already doing, errands, lawn, etc., so you only have to focus on your son after work. And/or having trained help to take your son maybe 1-2 weekends a month, more if you can swing it, for a few hours so you and DH can have time to yourselves, either together or solo, for mental mending. If there's no room in the budget for the help, is there anything that can be cut out to divert the money to that? And add it back on when things ease as he gets older? It would help you so much right now to just get the breaks you need.

I've found that in many of my mental heading-over-the-edge points the past few years, just getting a few hours to myself, to do something for me, helps tremendously in going back into the fray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, that should read " without fault or criticism". Anyway, that's what they believe, as it makes them feel better about themselves.

To be fair, the majority of the posts here that were getting frustrated with the OP were not because they claimed to be without fault, but because OP smacked down every big of assistance they attempted to offer because they alluded to her needing to change.

OP--I am glad to hear you are being proactive in getting the help you need. You can't help anyone else, even your child, if that doesn't happen first. There's no need to go through life so angry and feeling like nothing good will ever be there for you again, because that's just not true. I hope this therapist you are seeing can be of service. Don't be shy about finding a new one if needed though. Not all therapists are created equal. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, that should read " without fault or criticism". Anyway, that's what they believe, as it makes them feel better about themselves.

To be fair, the majority of the posts here that were getting frustrated with the OP were not because they claimed to be without fault, but because OP smacked down every big of assistance they attempted to offer because they alluded to her needing to change.

OP--I am glad to hear you are being proactive in getting the help you need. You can't help anyone else, even your child, if that doesn't happen first. There's no need to go through life so angry and feeling like nothing good will ever be there for you again, because that's just not true. I hope this therapist you are seeing can be of service. Don't be shy about finding a new one if needed though. Not all therapists are created equal. Good luck.

So true.

Of course, OP is allowed to feel any way she likes, but it doesn't sound like she's enjoying feeling the way she does. She will resist any suggestions for change no matter how they are presented, so there is really no need to label PPS as nasty and evil people with their horrible criticism. Sometimes it's not the child but the parent that needs a good smack-down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, that should read " without fault or criticism". Anyway, that's what they believe, as it makes them feel better about themselves.

To be fair, the majority of the posts here that were getting frustrated with the OP were not because they claimed to be without fault, but because OP smacked down every big of assistance they attempted to offer because they alluded to her needing to change.

OP--I am glad to hear you are being proactive in getting the help you need. You can't help anyone else, even your child, if that doesn't happen first. There's no need to go through life so angry and feeling like nothing good will ever be there for you again, because that's just not true. I hope this therapist you are seeing can be of service. Don't be shy about finding a new one if needed though. Not all therapists are created equal. Good luck.

So true.

Of course, OP is allowed to feel any way she likes, but it doesn't sound like she's enjoying feeling the way she does. She will resist any suggestions for change no matter how they are presented, so there is really no need to label PPS as nasty and evil people with their horrible criticism. Sometimes it's not the child but the parent that needs a good smack-down.

OP here. I am not obligated to take advice that suggests I should decrease my HHI and limit savings and retirement potential, or that is a veiled attempt to make me or my husband feel guilty for having careers. Sorry if you think that makes me......whatever it is you think it makes me. I make $150K per year and we spend thousands putting our son in private because they have proven more willing and capable to work with him. I am doing what I have to do to take care of my family in the best way I know how. None of you know the exact particulars of my situation or my finances. When it came to suggestions of getting support for me, I said I agreed. If it angers you that I don't accept or can't implement every piece of advice well, that's not my problem. I do appreciate all of the people who offered suggestions for resources or strategies to help (I.e. a psychiatrist, special camps, etc). For example, I didn't even know they had special summer camps for kids with SN that aren't physical disabilities. Now I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. PP, you've made your point. I was in a bad place yesterday. I'm in a bad place again today. I'm doing the best I know how and nothing seems good enough. That was the whole point of my OP in this post. Obviously my efforts to overcome my own fucked up family, work hard to get an education, succeed in my career and provide a good, stable home aren't working. My kid is afraid to go anywhere, do anything, and I can't for the life of me understand why other than I passed on my fucked up genes like an idiot and now this. He was a happy kid until age three and then it all started to fall apart. I feel like no matter what decisions we make, they will be wrong in some way. Nothing is working so far.

Honestly, he'd probably be better off without me. But I won't do that. So I'm seeing a therapist today and asking for drugs. And asking his therapist for a plan. I'll do whatever she says. And I've accepted that my life will pretty much solely consist of working and managing these issues. There's no time or energy for anything else.

YAYAYAYAY! I can't tell you how relieved I am to here this.


And OP, your child will be far, far worse off without you. Truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, that should read " without fault or criticism". Anyway, that's what they believe, as it makes them feel better about themselves.

To be fair, the majority of the posts here that were getting frustrated with the OP were not because they claimed to be without fault, but because OP smacked down every big of assistance they attempted to offer because they alluded to her needing to change.

OP--I am glad to hear you are being proactive in getting the help you need. You can't help anyone else, even your child, if that doesn't happen first. There's no need to go through life so angry and feeling like nothing good will ever be there for you again, because that's just not true. I hope this therapist you are seeing can be of service. Don't be shy about finding a new one if needed though. Not all therapists are created equal. Good luck.

So true.

Of course, OP is allowed to feel any way she likes, but it doesn't sound like she's enjoying feeling the way she does. She will resist any suggestions for change no matter how they are presented, so there is really no need to label PPS as nasty and evil people with their horrible criticism. Sometimes it's not the child but the parent that needs a good smack-down.

OP here. I am not obligated to take advice that suggests I should decrease my HHI and limit savings and retirement potential, or that is a veiled attempt to make me or my husband feel guilty for having careers. Sorry if you think that makes me......whatever it is you think it makes me. I make $150K per year and we spend thousands putting our son in private because they have proven more willing and capable to work with him. I am doing what I have to do to take care of my family in the best way I know how. None of you know the exact particulars of my situation or my finances. When it came to suggestions of getting support for me, I said I agreed. If it angers you that I don't accept or can't implement every piece of advice well, that's not my problem. I do appreciate all of the people who offered suggestions for resources or strategies to help (I.e. a psychiatrist, special camps, etc). For example, I didn't even know they had special summer camps for kids with SN that aren't physical disabilities. Now I do.

OP, no one suggested you must take any advice whatsoever. You make it sound like you are doing DCUM a favor by agreeing to seek help. I don't know, I guess you are not in the right frame of mind to see how ridiculous this sounds. BTW, no one can make you feel anything (like a failure, guilty for having a career) without your consent. Not to say anybody was deliberatly trying to make you feel anything, which is also kind of a silly thing to say.

Best wishes. I hope you'll get the help you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, that should read " without fault or criticism". Anyway, that's what they believe, as it makes them feel better about themselves.

To be fair, the majority of the posts here that were getting frustrated with the OP were not because they claimed to be without fault, but because OP smacked down every big of assistance they attempted to offer because they alluded to her needing to change.

OP--I am glad to hear you are being proactive in getting the help you need. You can't help anyone else, even your child, if that doesn't happen first. There's no need to go through life so angry and feeling like nothing good will ever be there for you again, because that's just not true. I hope this therapist you are seeing can be of service. Don't be shy about finding a new one if needed though. Not all therapists are created equal. Good luck.

So true.

Of course, OP is allowed to feel any way she likes, but it doesn't sound like she's enjoying feeling the way she does. She will resist any suggestions for change no matter how they are presented, so there is really no need to label PPS as nasty and evil people with their horrible criticism. Sometimes it's not the child but the parent that needs a good smack-down.

OP here. I am not obligated to take advice that suggests I should decrease my HHI and limit savings and retirement potential, or that is a veiled attempt to make me or my husband feel guilty for having careers. Sorry if you think that makes me......whatever it is you think it makes me. I make $150K per year and we spend thousands putting our son in private because they have proven more willing and capable to work with him. I am doing what I have to do to take care of my family in the best way I know how. None of you know the exact particulars of my situation or my finances. When it came to suggestions of getting support for me, I said I agreed. If it angers you that I don't accept or can't implement every piece of advice well, that's not my problem. I do appreciate all of the people who offered suggestions for resources or strategies to help (I.e. a psychiatrist, special camps, etc). For example, I didn't even know they had special summer camps for kids with SN that aren't physical disabilities. Now I do.

OP, no one suggested you must take any advice whatsoever. You make it sound like you are doing DCUM a favor by agreeing to seek help. I don't know, I guess you are not in the right frame of mind to see how ridiculous this sounds. BTW, no one can make you feel anything (like a failure, guilty for having a career) without your consent. Not to say anybody was deliberatly trying to make you feel anything, which is also kind of a silly thing to say.

Best wishes. I hope you'll get the help you need.

No, but they sure did get bent out of shape when I explained why taking some of their advice would cause even more stress and challenges for my family. The suggestion was that I am (or DH is) putting my career over my kid, which I resent. At this point, my career bankrolls my family. So it's not really an option to dial it back or let it go completely, and I'm not interested in being a martyr to parenthood. I suppose that means I have a cold, black heart to some people. Oh well. Just one more way I am failing in some people's eyes. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time OP. Regrets are tricky to handle.
My kids not officially special needs, but have one very difficult child. I expect SN would require added support of family friends
I too feel this way about once a week...kids are yelling at each other, mean, not pleasant. The rewarding moments are infrequent. I often feel something wrong in my family.
Parenting can be awesome, but equally miserable. Talk to trusted couneselor (I caution you against posting to Facebook!!). Take this as an opportunity to talk with husband/partner too.... Can be bonding moment. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Careful about comparing! In my sister's family her kids are eager to work together and help. Makes me regret way I have parented, but I don't know if or what I could change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Careful about comparing! In my sister's family her kids are eager to work together and help. Makes me regret way I have parented, but I don't know if or what I could change.

I know, PP. I'm honestly not comparing myself to other parents. But you know that it's not normal for your kid to avoid playing with other kids. You know it's not right when the other kids are constantly having issues with him, saying he's "annoying" or "bothering them" or whatever. You know it's not right when other parents have gotten to the point where even an accident, on the rare occasion your kid DOES play with others, just assume negative intent because he's "hyper and aggressive." (Hyper sometimes yes, aggressive no.) You know it's not right when your kid runs out of school screaming and crying, with teachers chasing after him, because he doesn't want you to leave him. I really don't give a crap how other people's kids behave. I DO care that my kid is able to make and maintain some friends, and some confidence, and knows he is secure and doesn't have irrational fears of his parents being arrested, or running away, or being killed when he is separated from us. I DO care that he is able to be in a room by himself, in broad daylight, when we are in the next room. I don't think anything I did necessarily caused this. I think it is a function of genes. Which I have saddled this kid with.

Thankfully camp drop off was much better this morning. But I have no doubt that he will tell me once again today that he clung to an adult and didn't talk to the other kids. Three days at this camp this week and he can't even tell me one other kid's name.

[Anonymous]

Op I'm glad you are getting help. I hope when you pull yourself out of this that you spend some time learning about your dc's disabilities. You don't have to drown yourself in studies about the issues but please educate yourself so you can better advocate for your child. You found dragging your child to camp humiliating but didn't acknowledge how horrible it must have been for your child. Can you imaging how humiliating it was for him? Your son knows he is different and that things are harder for him. How do you think it feels to be trapped in a place where you are set up to fail? He doesn't want to be this way any more than you do.

[Anonymous]

OP, best of luck to you. In case you hadn't heard about this research, I thought of you when I read this last night. I know it's not a cure but maybe it would help a little bit? http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/06/gut-bacteria-on-the-brain/395918/