I wish I had never become a parent

[Anonymous]

OP, you are so aggressive that it is really hard to feel compassion for you. What did you think was going to happen on this board? People would feel sorry for you, offer recommendations and you chew them out?

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't offer any viable solutions for you regarding a change of routine, job, etc. I am in the same boat, angry as hell and don't know what to do with the anger. I feel myself wishing we could be friends, even though we'd make a pretty pissed off pair. I don't know what to say to help, I only felt compelled to say that I know how it feels. Here's what I do to take the edge off: Put the kid to bed, make sure there is another responsible adult around, go off by myself and smoke a big fatty. It makes the world a better place not just for myself but for everyone around me. Sure, it's not a popular solution, and it's not really even a solution....but it does help take away some of the soul crushing anger and resentment, which is pretty awesome. I don't want to be one of those asshole that says it's all in your attitude, because I've heard that before and those people can go straight to hell. To me, it's a coping mechanism that just works. I've tried antidepressants and they are wonderful if you want to be yawning like a crackhead every 5 seconds. I don't know where I'm going with this, I just wanted to say that I hear ya, I feel ya, and please don't bite my head off.
((( hugs )))

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't offer any viable solutions for you regarding a change of routine, job, etc. I am in the same boat, angry as hell and don't know what to do with the anger. I feel myself wishing we could be friends, even though we'd make a pretty pissed off pair. I don't know what to say to help, I only felt compelled to say that I know how it feels. Here's what I do to take the edge off: Put the kid to bed, make sure there is another responsible adult around, go off by myself and smoke a big fatty. It makes the world a better place not just for myself but for everyone around me. Sure, it's not a popular solution, and it's not really even a solution....but it does help take away some of the soul crushing anger and resentment, which is pretty awesome. I don't want to be one of those asshole that says it's all in your attitude, because I've heard that before and those people can go straight to hell. To me, it's a coping mechanism that just works. I've tried antidepressants and they are wonderful if you want to be yawning like a crackhead every 5 seconds. I don't know where I'm going with this, I just wanted to say that I hear ya, I feel ya, and please don't bite my head off.
((( hugs )))

+1000 Hope you feel better soon, OP!

[Anonymous]

Behavior specialist here...

OP, the behavior you're describing in your son has some of the hallmarks of an attachment disorder. Has his therapist ever mentioned that? Also, in terms of a behavior plan, I'm hopeful that you will be able to find someone to help you who is experienced with kids your son's age. They should work with you and your son's school to do some sort of Functional Behavior Assessment, which helps to tease out some of what's behind the behavior and why it is persisting. Then, once you have a better understanding of the behavior and what purpose it is serving for you child (because all behavior has a purpose), it will help in determining the best way to develop a good plan. I am assuming the private school he attends is not for kids with SN because they would hopefully have already done an FBA if these behaviors occur at school too. If they don't occur at school, or if they occur with less frequency or intensity, that can be very useful data for a behavior specialist.

Just wanted to share that with you. He sounds a lot like the kids I work with in my public setting. Very challenging, but there are tools and strategies that can work. I hope you can find something that will work for your son, and consequently for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

No, PP. The therapist never mentioned that. She mentioned separation anxiety. How do they differ? And what happens in this functional behavior assessment? No one has ever mentioned that to us before.

[Anonymous]

Mom with the 7 point commentary back again... I would NOT jump to attachment disorder. Thats common in lids from orphanages or ones with seriously depressed/detached parents. I think far more likely that the pediatrician prescribed stimulant ADHD meds without realizing it would aggravate an underlying anxiety disorder that he didn't know about. If you think this is right, I would take him off the ADHD meds and see if it helps-- the good thing about ADHD meds is that there's basically no withdrawl and they wash out of the system really quickly, do youll be able to tell if this helps.

A FBA could be helpful for school...it was a little unclear to me from your posts what kind of problems he has at school. Search FBA in this forum and you'll find a lot of helpful posts. You need someone that knows what they are doing, though, and I don't know how you find that in a non-public setting.

[Anonymous]

I think that separation anxiety is similar to an attachment disorder, and there are overlapping behaviors. Kids can be very clingy and have difficulty separating from their parents or caregivers. For the FBA, the way it works at the public school level involves a team of teachers, the psychologist, and the parents. The goal is to define the behavior in very specific and observable terms, along with all the known antecedents--where/when is the behavior occurring, what is usually the trigger? Demand/transition/loud noise/etc--and the observed consequences or outcomes--what happens immediately after the behavior occurs (attention? Access to a toy/person/activity/food? Removal from activity/person/location?). The idea is to gather enough clinical information to develop a hypothesis, and then to frame an objective to reduce the interfering behavior and/or teach a replacement behavior that will serve the same purpose for the child. There may also be changes required in the way the people around him respond to the behavior--sometimes our responses are inadvertently or unintentionally reinforcing the behavior. There may also need to be changes in his routines intended to prevent this learned behavior.

I know that's a lot of info--it can be complicated but it's a very thorough approach to understanding behavior in children. Have you ever considered public school where these special services would be more available to him, along with more access to classroom support?

[Anonymous]

I feel compassion for you and I want you to know that I hear you. I hear you. It's hard. My life is not what I had planned. My child sounds similar to yours and it's difficult and disappointing. I life in the present, day to day, as much as possible. If I look to the past, there are too many regrets. If I look to the future, there are too many fears. I hear you and understand. No judgment here, just compassion and understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, that should read " without fault or criticism". Anyway, that's what they believe, as it makes them feel better about themselves.

To be fair, the majority of the posts here that were getting frustrated with the OP were not because they claimed to be without fault, but because OP smacked down every big of assistance they attempted to offer because they alluded to her needing to change.

OP--I am glad to hear you are being proactive in getting the help you need. You can't help anyone else, even your child, if that doesn't happen first. There's no need to go through life so angry and feeling like nothing good will ever be there for you again, because that's just not true. I hope this therapist you are seeing can be of service. Don't be shy about finding a new one if needed though. Not all therapists are created equal. Good luck.

So true.

Of course, OP is allowed to feel any way she likes, but it doesn't sound like she's enjoying feeling the way she does. She will resist any suggestions for change no matter how they are presented, so there is really no need to label PPS as nasty and evil people with their horrible criticism. Sometimes it's not the child but the parent that needs a good smack-down.

OP here. I am not obligated to take advice that suggests I should decrease my HHI and limit savings and retirement potential, or that is a veiled attempt to make me or my husband feel guilty for having careers. Sorry if you think that makes me......whatever it is you think it makes me. I make $150K per year and we spend thousands putting our son in private because they have proven more willing and capable to work with him. I am doing what I have to do to take care of my family in the best way I know how. None of you know the exact particulars of my situation or my finances. When it came to suggestions of getting support for me, I said I agreed. If it angers you that I don't accept or can't implement every piece of advice well, that's not my problem. I do appreciate all of the people who offered suggestions for resources or strategies to help (I.e. a psychiatrist, special camps, etc). For example, I didn't even know they had special summer camps for kids with SN that aren't physical disabilities. Now I do.

OP, no one suggested you must take any advice whatsoever. You make it sound like you are doing DCUM a favor by agreeing to seek help. I don't know, I guess you are not in the right frame of mind to see how ridiculous this sounds. BTW, no one can make you feel anything (like a failure, guilty for having a career) without your consent. Not to say anybody was deliberatly trying to make you feel anything, which is also kind of a silly thing to say.

Best wishes. I hope you'll get the help you need.

No, but they sure did get bent out of shape when I explained why taking some of their advice would cause even more stress and challenges for my family. The suggestion was that I am (or DH is) putting my career over my kid, which I resent. At this point, my career bankrolls my family. So it's not really an option to dial it back or let it go completely, and I'm not interested in being a martyr to parenthood. I suppose that means I have a cold, black heart to some people. Oh well. Just one more way I am failing in some people's eyes. Whatever.

Well, I for one don't think you have a cold black heart. I do think that you put many things above your happiness and piece of mind.

You either have to accept your situation or change it. It is completely up to you. Most of us can't have it all, and for most of us something's gotta give. What many PPs tried to say was your situation is far from desperate, but you have too much on your plate to deal. Simplify however it makes sense for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, PP. The therapist never mentioned that. She mentioned separation anxiety. How do they differ? And what happens in this functional behavior assessment? No one has ever mentioned that to us before.

You don't know what an FBA is? What kind of research have you done? You didn't know there were therapeutic camps for kids with SNs? FFS, I found the site on the FFX Co web page when my oldest in K. We pay $80/wk and transportation is provided. BTW - that kid was on Prozac by the time he was in 3rd grade because his anxiety was so bad. He slept in a twin bed with his sister from K-2nd grade because he wouldn't sleep alone. Nothing you've said about your son's challenges are unheard of on this forum. Tons of us on the forum have faced the same challenges you have. The difference between us is we aren't snarky and bitchy when someone offers advice. You're probably a lot more like your son than you realize but you should have developed more restraint by now. You should spend more time problem solving rather than bitching, being a martyr and feeling sorry for yourself. You'd find your life getting easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, PP. The therapist never mentioned that. She mentioned separation anxiety. How do they differ? And what happens in this functional behavior assessment? No one has ever mentioned that to us before.

You don't know what an FBA is? What kind of research have you done? You didn't know there were therapeutic camps for kids with SNs? FFS, I found the site on the FFX Co web page when my oldest in K. We pay $80/wk and transportation is provided. BTW - that kid was on Prozac by the time he was in 3rd grade because his anxiety was so bad. He slept in a twin bed with his sister from K-2nd grade because he wouldn't sleep alone. Nothing you've said about your son's challenges are unheard of on this forum. Tons of us on the forum have faced the same challenges you have. The difference between us is we aren't snarky and bitchy when someone offers advice. You're probably a lot more like your son than you realize but you should have developed more restraint by now. You should spend more time problem solving rather than bitching, being a martyr and feeling sorry for yourself. You'd find your life getting easier.

She doesn't listen to advice and is basically defensive and in attack mode. Probably why the situation has reached the breaking point. Her kid has an ADHD with anxiety diagnosis not exactly rare or the end of the world but she treats it like it is. Feel sorry for her son more than anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom with the 7 point commentary back again... I would NOT jump to attachment disorder. Thats common in lids from orphanages or ones with seriously depressed/detached parents. I think far more likely that the pediatrician prescribed stimulant ADHD meds without realizing it would aggravate an underlying anxiety disorder that he didn't know about. If you think this is right, I would take him off the ADHD meds and see if it helps-- the good thing about ADHD meds is that there's basically no withdrawl and they wash out of the system really quickly, do youll be able to tell if this helps.

A FBA could be helpful for school...it was a little unclear to me from your posts what kind of problems he has at school. Search FBA in this forum and you'll find a lot of helpful posts. You need someone that knows what they are doing, though, and I don't know how you find that in a non-public setting.

The attachment between OP and her kid sounds really disorganized and disruptive. Seeing an attachment therapist might really help both of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has these feelings sometimes. They just can't talk about them because we are "supposed" to find every moment with our children to be a joy. Wouldn't it be nice if we could be honest about our feelings, rather than pretending our life is always Facebook worthy and Pinterest perfect? That's not real life for most of us, even if we act like that's what is going on. But I guess the grass is always greener. Hang in there.

Thanks. I think I might post on FB - yes, my kid has ADHD and anxiety and my life is currently a hell and no I haven't responded to your voicemails or texts and I don't answer the phone because I don't have time and I don't have energy and I don't want your unsolicited and uninformed advice and I know that some of you talk about me behind my back. I don't like my kid today and we had a terrible morning and I have no adorabe pictures to photoshop in sepia tones and upload for posterity.

I'm the PP on this, and I love the response. At least it's real. Facebook gives us the this idea that every moment you are with your kid is pure bliss, and IME that's not true-- it's tough sometimes, and it can be nice to know that other people struggle too. And for those who flame, I don't see hatred, I do see overwhelmed. And I do thing most working moms feel This way ---sometimes--- not every minute, but we have these thoughts. And feel guilty about them and like terrible parents because of responses like the ones above.

+1. OP, I'm not through the whole thread yet, but I wanted to say that this actually made me smile because it's so true! Also, I'm sorry you are in this place. I really get it! I hope you can find a way back to a happier state of mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom with the 7 point commentary back again... I would NOT jump to attachment disorder. Thats common in lids from orphanages or ones with seriously depressed/detached parents. I think far more likely that the pediatrician prescribed stimulant ADHD meds without realizing it would aggravate an underlying anxiety disorder that he didn't know about. If you think this is right, I would take him off the ADHD meds and see if it helps-- the good thing about ADHD meds is that there's basically no withdrawl and they wash out of the system really quickly, do youll be able to tell if this helps.

A FBA could be helpful for school...it was a little unclear to me from your posts what kind of problems he has at school. Search FBA in this forum and you'll find a lot of helpful posts. You need someone that knows what they are doing, though, and I don't know how you find that in a non-public setting.

The attachment between OP and her kid sounds really disorganized and disruptive. Seeing an attachment therapist might really help both of them.

What she describes is common ADHD behavior not an attachment disorder. If she was seeing a child psychiatrist instead of he pediatrician, they would be working on the medication management for this behavior but first getting the anxiety under control.

Wouldn't be surprised if OP also has ADHD either judging by her tantrums online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, PP. The therapist never mentioned that. She mentioned separation anxiety. How do they differ? And what happens in this functional behavior assessment? No one has ever mentioned that to us before.

You don't know what an FBA is? What kind of research have you done? You didn't know there were therapeutic camps for kids with SNs? FFS, I found the site on the FFX Co web page when my oldest in K. We pay $80/wk and transportation is provided. BTW - that kid was on Prozac by the time he was in 3rd grade because his anxiety was so bad. He slept in a twin bed with his sister from K-2nd grade because he wouldn't sleep alone. Nothing you've said about your son's challenges are unheard of on this forum. Tons of us on the forum have faced the same challenges you have. The difference between us is we aren't snarky and bitchy when someone offers advice. You're probably a lot more like your son than you realize but you should have developed more restraint by now. You should spend more time problem solving rather than bitching, being a martyr and feeling sorry for yourself. You'd find your life getting easier.

Wow. I'm not some special needs expert. We've had lots of assessments, but never heard of this one. I've never had to deal with camp before. I didn't know it was going to be this much of am issue. And I TOOK advice from this forum to go look up those options in my area. If I'm being snarky, it's in direct reaction to some holier than thou bullshit like this. I never once suggested my son's issues were unique. I pushed back against people who suggested we should dump our careers, which I maintain is a knee jerk parent martyrdom move that will in no way help my family. Furthermore, I see no "advice" in your post, only a need to feel superior.

And if you think this is snark, you should hear what I ACTUALLY want to say to you.