I wish I had never become a parent

[Anonymous]

OP, I also was going to stay single and not have kids. But then I feel in love and got married, but still told my husband, "No kids!" I changed my mind after my parents died. That loss of connection was enough to make me want a child, to re-create the parent-child bond I had lost (only with me as a parent). But I did end up having a SN child with severe learning disabilities and many academic struggles. We've had the meltdowns, gotten the stares and the pity. So I do relate to some of your situation.

I have friends with an ADHD child, and he is very, very challenging for them. Now at 13, he is coming into his own a bit. Much less of a PITA for them and those around them. They've definitely had to tinker with his meds and his schedule. It's more of an art than a science to get the right prescription and dose. So it may take a few tries to get the best fit for your son.

For my son's behavioral issues, a behavior plan worked like magic. It was astonishing. Two years after getting weekly calls, all of a sudden he was an angel in class. It was astonishing that it could work so well.

As far as camps, I'm now putting DS in camps for SN kids. It's just easier for all of us. He has a lot more success there. In fact, he's been successfully doing overnight camps now! We would have told you "no way" a few years ago.

I hope you get some answers and solutions.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, PP. I,looked up summer camps and the only one in our area is for kids 8 and older. So not a solution for this year and next. I'll talk to our therapist about the best solutions in the interim. She is also working with us on a behavior plan.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I have a 6 year old w/ pretty severe ADHD as well as some other kids that are no walk in the park, so I have some thoughts that may be of help:

1) Sympathy. I know. It's exhausting and there's not an answer that will solve that.

2) I 100% support your decision to work and for your husband to work. You'll need long-term resources, and if it makes either of you feel more sane to work, then that's reason enough. FOr some people, staying home is the right call. If you feel like it isn't for you, then it's probably not. Plus, worst case scenario is that you give up jobs that have great flexibility, but then have to re-enter the workforce and are stuck someplace that doesn't have flexibility. I've been at my job forever because it is incredibly flexible.

3) You're in a bad place now...which is not surprising since you don't have all the treatment options in place yet, and you've recently moved. But your son's conditions are very treatable nowadays, and there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel -- you just have to keep on trudging till you get there. I think in even just a year, you'll be amazed at how much better things are. We've had the medication basically sorted out for about 10 months now, and life is now liveable, although still incredibly hard.

4) I agree with others that the priority is to get your kid's meds sorted out pronto, and to work with a skilled psychiatrist, not a pediatrician, to do so. I disagree with a PP that suggested just pull one of the web and get in as fast as you can. These aren't like dishwasher repairpeople where a certain basic skill level is sufficient. You want someone good, so it's worth trying to figure out who that is in your new area and getting in to him or her. You need someone who is really up on the latest research and understands the pharmacology of the drugs.

5) Until you get all that sorted out, you are in the sh*t. When you are in the sh*t, it is not the time to worry about long-term issues like too much screen time. You just get through the sh*t and, if that means he spends a lot of the summer in front of the TV, so be it. (Although a lot of ADHD kids have hyper-focus on other activities, so if you can figure out what that is for your son, let him do that all week). If you, your husband, and some combination of helpful relatives can work from home while child is mesmerized by PBS and the various nature shows, I would take that as a definite win.

6) Alternatively, you get the summer nanny. It seems like you and husband together make about $250K, so I really don't see how you can't afford it. One idea of a place to look is local colleges (particularly small schools that often specialize in education degrees) to try to find someone majoring in special ed or OT who might think this is great experience. Don't worry about whether it fits into your overall budget for life -- as I said, you are in the sh*t right now, so if it causes you to miss a 529 contribution or something, that's fine. Goal is to get through the sh*t.

7) Finally, I'll note that I find camps to be tough and unpredictable. A couple of years ago, at great expense, I signed my son up for a camp that looked PERFECT for him -- in his particular area of interest, tons of outdoor active time, extremely well reviewed by local parents, etc. He hated it. Like screaming bloody murder running out the door hated it. My best guess is that the lead teacher said something stern to him, he decided she didn't like him, and then it was all over. He's never been like that before or after. So there may have been something about this particular camp that set your son off. You might have better luck with a different camp. If you can find a really calm, "on" moment with him, maybe give him a few options; provide a detailed schedule of the day at each option; and let him select. That might give him some ownership and sense of control. It's sort of a hail mary pass, but it might work. I'd also note that the success of a camp seems to be not very well related to how fancy it was or how expensive it was. My son was kicked out of a very expensive, fancy camp with fancy teachers, because he wet his pants all the time. Guess who didn't care that he wets his pants all the time? The teenage counselors at the cheap-o camp, who either didn't notice or just told him to go to the bathroom and get changed. So sometimes the teenagers can actually be better, because they are much less hung up on what's "developmentally appropriate" and "the rules" or "camp policies." Ideally, you could figure out what triggered your son's anxiety in the other camp (too many kids from school judging him? too many expectations from counselors? too many transitions in the day? too much sitting?), and then figure out a camp that was totally the opposite of that. But given how young he is, that would require a minor miracle of self-insight.

[Anonymous]

Holy Cow, OP,

I read your initial post this morning and thought I know how she feels in terms of our lives being derailed. I haven't read the reams of replies that you've received. We all have our bad days, but my guess is that people are piling on b/c you mentioned wishing not having kids in the first place. It's a taboo subject but everyone needs to vent once in a while. So hang in there. That's all.

[Anonymous]

I have TWO kids with ADHD, anxiety and other issues that are very challenging. I have known despair. I understand OP's initial post. But her anger scares me. And I think it scares a lot of other people as well. I don't doubt she adores her son but she is on the verge (I hope just the verge) of violence against him. She is overwhelmed. She is reacting to many positive suggestions with anger.

OP, whether you like it or not you are a key ingredient to solving your son's problems. That is not the same thing as saying you caused them. You didn't. But you have a very large role to play here and the first thing you have to do is check the anger. It may be justified but that doesn't matter, its getting in the way. Its a huge impediment. I am sure your son feels it very strongly. You are overwhelmed by it. You need to fix it.

You've received some good suggestions. You need a better plan for your son, most likely including medication. You need your own therapy. And mostly you need to recognize that you have no choice but to address your anger and attitude because the alternative is the downward spiral.

And you'll probably react with anger to me too.

[Anonymous]

Wish I would have known, too, OP. I have no advice to offer, but I hear you and I sympathize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy Cow, OP,

I read your initial post this morning and thought I know how she feels in terms of our lives being derailed. I haven't read the reams of replies that you've received. We all have our bad days, but my guess is that people are piling on b/c you mentioned wishing not having kids in the first place. It's a taboo subject but everyone needs to vent once in a while. So hang in there. That's all.

Read the replies. It's not the sentiment that people are reacting to. It's her violent and aggressive response. She insists that she should be allowed to 'vent' about violence to her kid. That's a no go. I don't shame feelings- God knows I've had them all, but if I 'vent' that I'm going to 'kick the shit' out of my kid (as she did on the off topic forum) that needs professional help. And that's NOT a point of weakness.
The truth is- that @ core parenting is the most selfless act one can do. In recent generations we have tied it to cute FB pictures and Pinterest posts. And when these things happen folks can get mad.
I feels like we got a raw deal- and maybe we did. Who the hell knows. But what I do know is that aggressive lashing out and playing the victim won't help anything. And folks who stick to those thought patterns are in need of help.
And really- all this for an MBA? They practically give those away these days.

[Anonymous]

PP, thinking about doing something and actually doing it are two different things. Go read the "do you casually think of suicide" thread. Apparently people walk around casually thinking about killing themselves all the time, but you don't see mass suicides every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Daddy sounds like he is failing to be a good husband and good father. Mommy needs some rest!

+1

OP, is your spouse supportive? If you provide 70% of the income, would it possible for your spouse to SAH and take care of your child? (I didn't read the 15 pages, so maybe this has been mentioned already.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Okay. I'll tell him to quit his job tonight. I'm sure that will go over well. You do realize I don't get to make these decisions unilaterally, right?

I see this has been discussed in detail.

OP, I don't understand your resistance. You make it sound like you are falling apart. You don't get to make these decisions unilaterally, but some changes need to be agreed upon. Okay, so you will have to move, and someone will blame you for not giving your child stability and million other things. Who cares? Do what's best for your family. Work to make the best of this less than ideal (but not nearly desperate) situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I have a 6 year old w/ pretty severe ADHD as well as some other kids that are no walk in the park, so I have some thoughts that may be of help:

1) Sympathy. I know. It's exhausting and there's not an answer that will solve that.

2) I 100% support your decision to work and for your husband to work. You'll need long-term resources, and if it makes either of you feel more sane to work, then that's reason enough. FOr some people, staying home is the right call. If you feel like it isn't for you, then it's probably not. Plus, worst case scenario is that you give up jobs that have great flexibility, but then have to re-enter the workforce and are stuck someplace that doesn't have flexibility. I've been at my job forever because it is incredibly flexible.

3) You're in a bad place now...which is not surprising since you don't have all the treatment options in place yet, and you've recently moved. But your son's conditions are very treatable nowadays, and there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel -- you just have to keep on trudging till you get there. I think in even just a year, you'll be amazed at how much better things are. We've had the medication basically sorted out for about 10 months now, and life is now liveable, although still incredibly hard.

4) I agree with others that the priority is to get your kid's meds sorted out pronto, and to work with a skilled psychiatrist, not a pediatrician, to do so. I disagree with a PP that suggested just pull one of the web and get in as fast as you can. These aren't like dishwasher repairpeople where a certain basic skill level is sufficient. You want someone good, so it's worth trying to figure out who that is in your new area and getting in to him or her. You need someone who is really up on the latest research and understands the pharmacology of the drugs.

5) Until you get all that sorted out, you are in the sh*t. When you are in the sh*t, it is not the time to worry about long-term issues like too much screen time. You just get through the sh*t and, if that means he spends a lot of the summer in front of the TV, so be it. (Although a lot of ADHD kids have hyper-focus on other activities, so if you can figure out what that is for your son, let him do that all week). If you, your husband, and some combination of helpful relatives can work from home while child is mesmerized by PBS and the various nature shows, I would take that as a definite win.

6) Alternatively, you get the summer nanny. It seems like you and husband together make about $250K, so I really don't see how you can't afford it. One idea of a place to look is local colleges (particularly small schools that often specialize in education degrees) to try to find someone majoring in special ed or OT who might think this is great experience. Don't worry about whether it fits into your overall budget for life -- as I said, you are in the sh*t right now, so if it causes you to miss a 529 contribution or something, that's fine. Goal is to get through the sh*t.

7) Finally, I'll note that I find camps to be tough and unpredictable. A couple of years ago, at great expense, I signed my son up for a camp that looked PERFECT for him -- in his particular area of interest, tons of outdoor active time, extremely well reviewed by local parents, etc. He hated it. Like screaming bloody murder running out the door hated it. My best guess is that the lead teacher said something stern to him, he decided she didn't like him, and then it was all over. He's never been like that before or after. So there may have been something about this particular camp that set your son off. You might have better luck with a different camp. If you can find a really calm, "on" moment with him, maybe give him a few options; provide a detailed schedule of the day at each option; and let him select. That might give him some ownership and sense of control. It's sort of a hail mary pass, but it might work. I'd also note that the success of a camp seems to be not very well related to how fancy it was or how expensive it was. My son was kicked out of a very expensive, fancy camp with fancy teachers, because he wet his pants all the time. Guess who didn't care that he wets his pants all the time? The teenage counselors at the cheap-o camp, who either didn't notice or just told him to go to the bathroom and get changed. So sometimes the teenagers can actually be better, because they are much less hung up on what's "developmentally appropriate" and "the rules" or "camp policies." Ideally, you could figure out what triggered your son's anxiety in the other camp (too many kids from school judging him? too many expectations from counselors? too many transitions in the day? too much sitting?), and then figure out a camp that was totally the opposite of that. But given how young he is, that would require a minor miracle of self-insight.

What an incredibly helpful post! (pp here)

[Anonymous]

I was with the Op until she went from venting to raging about her kid. And the cruelty she exhibited in taking him to camp is not just a thought. This is her own words and reflects unhinged, dangerous thinking that needs professional help.

The OP's earlier post:

I haven't smacked him but I've thought about it. Sometimes I secretly want to kick the shit out of him. I did lose it a bit today when he refused to go in for camp. I grabbed his arm and jerked him in the damned door. I guess I"m supposed to quit my job, sell my house, live in trailer, liquidate the 401k's and spend 99% of my life with him b/c anything less creates drama and chaos. I am tired of getting emails from teachers, and camp counselors, and being pulled aside for furtive conversations, and having other parents look at me with their damned judgmental eyes that I want to claw out with my fingernails. As a kid, I would have LOVED to go to camp and swim and play with other kids and do crafts. Instead, I was stuck at home with my older sister while my (single) mom worked in a neighborhood with no kids and nothing to do and nowhere to go. I was bored shitless but you know what? I didn't bitch and moan and complain every minute of every day. I understand that ADHD and anxiety are brain disorders and I know intellectually that I shouldn't get so upset. But I just want to scream in his face - SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT!! It's at the point where I don't even want to leave the house with him b/c I know he is going to be a sullen brat, refusing to do things that are fun for whatever Godforsaken reason I can't even understand. Oh, we're at the pool? I HATE THE POOL! We're at the zoo? I HATE THE ZOO? Mom and dad try to go out for 3 hours to have dinner? DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!! I'm going to scream and cry and throw a hissy fit and make you feel guilty and terrible and in a foul mood and ruin it for you anyway. I feel like a prisoner.

[Anonymous]

OP here. PP, you've made your point. I was in a bad place yesterday. I'm in a bad place again today. I'm doing the best I know how and nothing seems good enough. That was the whole point of my OP in this post. Obviously my efforts to overcome my own fucked up family, work hard to get an education, succeed in my career and provide a good, stable home aren't working. My kid is afraid to go anywhere, do anything, and I can't for the life of me understand why other than I passed on my fucked up genes like an idiot and now this. He was a happy kid until age three and then it all started to fall apart. I feel like no matter what decisions we make, they will be wrong in some way. Nothing is working so far.

Honestly, he'd probably be better off without me. But I won't do that. So I'm seeing a therapist today and asking for drugs. And asking his therapist for a plan. I'll do whatever she says. And I've accepted that my life will pretty much solely consist of working and managing these issues. There's no time or energy for anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with the Op until she went from venting to raging about her kid. And the cruelty she exhibited in taking him to camp is not just a thought. This is her own words and reflects unhinged, dangerous thinking that needs professional help.

The OP's earlier post:

I haven't smacked him but I've thought about it. Sometimes I secretly want to kick the shit out of him. I did lose it a bit today when he refused to go in for camp. I grabbed his arm and jerked him in the damned door. I guess I"m supposed to quit my job, sell my house, live in trailer, liquidate the 401k's and spend 99% of my life with him b/c anything less creates drama and chaos. I am tired of getting emails from teachers, and camp counselors, and being pulled aside for furtive conversations, and having other parents look at me with their damned judgmental eyes that I want to claw out with my fingernails. As a kid, I would have LOVED to go to camp and swim and play with other kids and do crafts. Instead, I was stuck at home with my older sister while my (single) mom worked in a neighborhood with no kids and nothing to do and nowhere to go. I was bored shitless but you know what? I didn't bitch and moan and complain every minute of every day. I understand that ADHD and anxiety are brain disorders and I know intellectually that I shouldn't get so upset. But I just want to scream in his face - SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT!! It's at the point where I don't even want to leave the house with him b/c I know he is going to be a sullen brat, refusing to do things that are fun for whatever Godforsaken reason I can't even understand. Oh, we're at the pool? I HATE THE POOL! We're at the zoo? I HATE THE ZOO? Mom and dad try to go out for 3 hours to have dinner? DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!! I'm going to scream and cry and throw a hissy fit and make you feel guilty and terrible and in a foul mood and ruin it for you anyway. I feel like a prisoner.

Thank you for sharing OP's earlier post, I was wondering what all the hullabaloo was about. Though, I must say, this poor woman sounds like she is at the absolute end of her rope and I clearly see why she responded as bitterly and angrily as she did to some of the other posters. OP, I'm sending you virtual hugs (or high fives, as you prefer) and wishing you well. FWIW, I have thought about (never have, never would) shaking my typically developing kid who can act like a total PITA for no apparent reason and scream WHY WHY WHY are you doing this. It takes me a few minutes, but I do always remember that he's not doing it on purpose, he's not doing it to make my life miserable, and in fact, this particular incident is no picnic for him either. I admire all of you saints who never have a nasty or terrible thought in your head. The only thing I'd like to add is to please, please, don't get in the habit of grabbing him roughly. Do whatever it takes not to go down that road, even if you are clenching your own hands or turning your back. Good luck, OP. I hope you will soon look back on this time period and feel like that was the darkest things have been, but they are looking up.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. I know it sucks right now. Big hugs and Good luck!