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Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers
SAHMs - what made you decide to SAH? Question from new SAHM
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Anonymous
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11:48, wow.
"Because a WM has to do all the errands, chores, etc. that a sahm was able to do while her kids were in school, therefore leave her more time to have "quality time" with her kids." This makes many really poor assumptions. 1) In households with SAHMs, the SAHMs do all or a lot of errands and chores. 2) That only WMs, and not the DHs of WMs, or outsourcing partners, do any of those chores or errands. Or that some of those errands and chores get done less frequently or not at all. 3) That SAHMs don't ever use nannies or babysitters to watch the kids, and that they never, ever use a lawn service or housecleaners? One of the first things that I and many of my full time WOHM friends realized is that we had to prioritize. Children and spouse always take priority over errands and chores. Luckily, my six figure income makes it easy for me to sub out those errands and chores I would have to do as a SAHM, therefore leaving me the same amount of time with the children that I'd have otherwise. Plus, don't you think WMs do household chores AFTER the children are in bed a lot of the time? Do you know any WMs well enough to know that they do errands and chores vice spending time with their children? |
Anonymous
Well if the moms went back to work the father would probably still never see the kids and the mother would be seeing them less as well. I'm a sahm and if I went back to work my husband would be spending the same amount of time at work as he does now. Difference is he would have to take on additional tasks that he doesn't need to do now, because I do them. |
Anonymous
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"So mothers who are capable of spending more time with their children are capable of making more of an impact. Get it? "
Negative or positive? |
Anonymous
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12:00
"I used to WOH and I have a very involved husband, yet we both felt our weekends were completely tied up doing tasks that we found difficult to get to during the week." One or more possibilities: you weren't efficient, you didn't prioritize or your standards were too high. Did you outsource as much as you could? |
Anonymous
| It is interesting to me that these debates get so heated on philosophical or anecdotal points. I suspect that for 90% of the families out there financial reasons are really driving the choice, not whether you feel the mom should stay home or not. The 'this is the best way for my child' seems to come in AFTER the decision is made. |
Anonymous
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12:23...pssssst....law of diminishing returns.....also, is it worth giving up a six figure income to spend 5 more hours each week with Junior? Not to many families.
Are you speaking of kids younger than first grade, or all across the board? |
Anonymous
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12:29, I like that my DH has to spend some of his time on kid and household tasks. I feel much less subservient that way.
"Difference is he would have to take on additional tasks that he doesn't need to do now, because I do them." |
Anonymous
You are right: they haven't said that. They have said their kids won't turn out as well, they don't spend very much quality time with them, and if they think working makes them a better mom, than that translates to them doubting their abilities as a mom. Either way, the point is moot: a lot of nasty things have been said about moms who work. And if you can't see that, or why it would be hurtful, I can't help you. |
Anonymous
I do not see why this is so difficult to comprehend. First, the preceding quote was responding to a poster who didn't see that sahm's would have more time than wm's once their children were in school. Stay at home mom's are able to get errands/cleaning done (either themselves or outsourcing - not sure why that makes a difference) during the day while kids are at school. Of course working moms outsource certain tasks, but there is a considerable amount that can't be outsourced. Yes, hopefully the husband is doing his fair share, but that just means that he is more burdened and has less family time than he would if the mother were doing this during the day. So in the afternoons, when kids get home, EVERYONE is less burdened, more relaxed, and capable of spending quality time together. |
Anonymous
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12:33, a lot of families in this area do in fact have choices about having a parent SAH or at least cut back. I'm speaking as a parent in my early 40s who bought a house before 2005, about our family and others similarly situated. I'd say almost all my close friends are well educated enough to get a job that would cover childcare, and almost all of my friends have spouses that make well into six figures, so they could SAH.
Where I live, preference drives the decisions, not financial necessity, that's why I debate these points. I sometimes think there really are SAHMs out there who think that I must secretly need to WOH or I wouldn't. |
Anonymous
I have not a lot of sympathy for the WOHMs who've crashed a thread specifically addressed to SAHMs. If you are that thin-skinned, then go create your own boohoo WOHM thread. The hijacking of threads gets really old. |
Anonymous
Sure, yes and no. Most SAHMs can't afford to work (I am thinking these are not the moms on this thread, certainly many SAHMs could who choose to work could afford it). Many moms need to work (probably a mix on this thread and this board), but some would define that differently than others. My husband makes around $100K, so certainly we could get by on his income. But we get by a lot better when we add my income, and since I enjoy working and it hasn't been that much of an issue for us, I work. When I had my first, I cut back my hours a bit but we still needed to pay for FT daycare. So for about a year, I wasn't really making that much. I wanted to think long term though,and I knew when I returned FT and as daycare rates dropped, I would be taking home a significant amount. So I feel like we really made the decision not solely based on finances (though yes, finances certainly played a role). |
Anonymous
Yes. I can only hope that all my working mother friends are not secretly this hostile and insecure. |
Anonymous
It happens on both types of threads, and you know that. |
Anonymous
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To 12:38, are you speaking about your family, families you know or just in generalities?
" I do not see why this is so difficult to comprehend. First, the preceding quote was responding to a poster who didn't see that sahm's would have more time than wm's once their children were in school. Stay at home mom's are able to get errands/cleaning done (either themselves or outsourcing - not sure why that makes a difference) during the day while kids are at school. Of course working moms outsource certain tasks, but there is a considerable amount that can't be outsourced. " I've been a WOHM for over 10 years and I do not find a lot that can't be outsourced (or eliminated, or done on my lunch hour, or done by DH). Can you provide some examples? "Yes, hopefully the husband is doing his fair share, but that just means that he is more burdened and has less family time than he would if the mother were doing this during the day." My DH has all the family time he and the kids need or want. Truly. And I believe that since I'm "burdened" with children and household chores, he should be equally so. I don't exist to take the burden off of him. Then again, he doesn't outearn me, so perhaps that colors my perspective? "So in the afternoons, when kids get home, EVERYONE is less burdened, more relaxed, and capable of spending quality time together." May I ask how old your kids are? My kids are at the ages where, between homework and activites, they would have very little time for a SAHP before dinnertime. We don't relax and spend time as a family until the evenings. |