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SAHMs - what made you decide to SAH? Question from new SAHM
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Anonymous
I love posts like this. There are so many variables that would affect a child's performance in school. I did my graduate thesis on whether maternal employment affects educational outcomes. I did a statistical analysis using actual data, not anedocatal data. I had a pretty good data set that controlled for all sorts of variables. The #1 factors...household income and education level of the parents. |
Anonymous
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After my first was born I went back to work PT and after my second was born, I decided to SAH. There were a bunch of reasons why.
First, my mom had been my back up child care provider so that I could go in on the occasional days that I normally didn't work if something really had to get home. But by the time #2 was born, she couldn't do that anymore and it wasn't fair to my colleagues to not have that flexibility. Second, DH had a new job that involved a lot more travelling, making the evening rush that much harder. Third, when I came home from work (I worked for a month between the end of maternity leave and quitting), both kids needed my undivided attention. It's hard enough giving one kid undivided attention; it's impossible to give two kids. Even worse because of DH's travels. It's been 3 months and I love how much more relaxed all of us are. I'm still working on a consultant basis for my old employer and planning to do volunteer work to keep my brain (and my resume) fresh for when (if?) I go back to work when the kids are older. |
Anonymous
SAHM here. This is BS and inflammatory! My child attends one of the "Big 3" schools ALWAYS talked about on this board. I attended a talk given by the finance committee and we were told that 80% of the families at the school had two working parents. I wonder how they attracted such top students if most of them do not have SAHMs?? I love being at home with my kids but I don't deceive myself into believing it is because it will make them better than other children. I had a very flexible job with a great salary so I did not give up work because I was stressed or because my salary was only covering child care, I just wanted to be with my kids, period. I missed them when I was at work and I just wondered what the point was to have them and then hand them over to someone else for most of the day to care for them (I have infants twins and an 8 year old who I stayed home with until school). I still have the help of a nanny so this way I spend most of the morning and early afternoon with my babies then I pick my older one from school leaving the babies at home with the nanny in their regular schedule and spend the afternoon with my older child chaperoning to after school activities, doing homework or just hanging out. We are all together again by early evening. This arrangement means I can also volunteer at my older child's school as often as I want to. I love it and it happens to work for me and our family. I am still busy and fulfilled but at a far deeper level than when I worked. It's not the lifestyle for everyone and I respect that. |
Anonymous
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Prior to moving to DC 2 years ago and I had been working full time with 2 kids under 2. However, I decided to stay at home to help our adjustment to a new city. I wanted to be able to form a community of friends, etc. and I knew that would be difficult if I was working full time with 2 young kids.
Two years later we have a great network of friends (many of whom will be life long) so it turns out the decision was a good one. I do miss working but have enjoyed the different pace of life. |
Anonymous
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A nice anecdote, but the studies don't support this.
I knew that would offend a number of working mothers. That was not my intention, and I'm sorry if it did; but the OP asked for reasons why we chose to SAH and that was one of mine, based on what I saw. I have always wondered if this is true on a wide-scale or if it was just unique to the environment I was in. I've seen numerous studies showing that children with full-time working moms do not suffer from it, but I can't say that I've seen a study regarding grades in particular. Does anyone know if such a study has been done? |
Anonymous
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I am choosing to stay at home because I already wasn't working outside the home (by choice). I quit my job four years ago to pursue other things (visual arts, community work) and be able to put time into fixing up the house we purchased. I love not having an office job and setting my own schedule. In that context, it seems illogical to get a job to pay for childcare, especially when I love doing my own thing. Our household is better that way, too: I do 95% of the shopping and cooking, manage the finances, and do 80% of the yard and garden maintenance. Plus I'm so much happier and healthier, we get along much better.
That being said, I share many of the reasons others have said. I would like to care for my infant myself; I am willing to trade the hardship of being the sole caregiver during the work week with getting to spend time with him when he's small and changing so quickly. I would like to EBF for a year, and I have seen with my friends (almost all of whom had children before we did) that despite best efforts only the women who essentially work at home were able to do that (including pumping). I would like to do a lot of things differently than my parents did, not related specifically to whether they were at home, but generally related to their unhappiness as parents and how that was conveyed to thier children. Some of my commitment is based on anxiety about harm coming to my very young child, and I know that's from my own childhood and I am confident that fear will ease as he becomes able to talk to us. I do also enjoy children and find that I have much more patience for them than you might guess by seeing how little patience I often have for adults. It is not hard for me to put myself in their shoes, and I don't see interacting with them a tussle of wills. I look forward to introducing a young child to the world, to his home, and to the outdoors. Now, this might change with my own child, but it goes to why I'm willing to plan to be around him all the time. Of course, "all the time" is probably only going to be until age 2.5 and then I'm planning on some degree of preschool until school starts. To summarize: I like kids, I like not having a job, and our household is already set up to run on one income, so it seems like a natural choice. |
Anonymous
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I worked when my first DD was born, until the birth of my second child when I resigned. First, I didn't want to leave the baby at daycare. I don't think daycare is bad, but it wasn't what I thought would be the ideal situation for our children. My mom watched my first DD, but she was ready to stop doing that full time. I also just really wanted to spend more time with my children. I wanted to be the one taking them fun places during the day, I wanted them to sleep in their own beds, and to be cared for by me. So I did it for them, but I also did it for me. I also want to change careers and thought taking some time off in between would be fine. I had a good job but did not love it, it was not my passion. I felt that I would have a hard time doing something I was only so so about and spending 3200 a month on child care (or more) and missing out on all that time with my girls.
Of course there are ups and downs but I absolutely love staying home with them and I am so grateful to my DH for assuming the job of being the only breadwinner (for now) so that I can stay home with our girls. For us, it works. |
Anonymous
This is part of it for me, too, I think. I had a very hard childhood and also worked from 15 through 32, and I really value being able to have a different kind of life how. |
Anonymous
I am glad that you are no longer a teacher, too. 
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Anonymous
That makes 3 of us. I worked pretty much straight from the time I was 15 until I had my second at 30. With my first I went back to work part time and I would have liked to continue that, but I realized that we could afford childcare for both babies, it just would have eaten up all of my salary. While I really enjoy being able to SAH now with my children, I'm looking forward to going back when my youngest starts school. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous wrote:
I decided to be a stay at home mom for pretty much all the reasons everyone else gave, but what sealed the deal for me was that as an elementary school teacher I noticed that pretty much all of my really "top" kids had stay at home moms. I know many working moms are going to slam me for saying that. Of course there are well-behaved, high achieving students who also have full-time working moms. But based on what I saw from teaching for 10 years at three different schools the "better" students seemed to disproportionately come from families with involved stay at home moms. I am glad that you are no longer a teacher, too. Why? Because I taught at schools where the top performing kids had stay at home moms? You may not like it, but it's what I observed in MY EXPERIENCE. I don't know if it holds water across the board; but I saw it, it made an impression, and it affected my choice in how I want to raise my kids. |
Anonymous
I wasn't offended, and I stayed home for a couple of years when my kids were young. You are just using anecdotal evidence and yes, there have been years of published research on this...as a teacher I'm shocked you aren't aware of this, actually. It's not as if success in elementary school is indicative of anything anyway. Another anecdote: I didn't do well in elementary school, nor did my brother. We both had a difficult time paying attention and listening to directions. We got distracted easily. I'm sure nowadays we would have been labeled learning disabled. It just took us a while to "get it" and understand how to study, and what worked for us. At the end of the day, we both went to top colleges and graduated Phi Beta Kappa, and earned graduate fellowships/funding at top grad schools. But anyway, to answer your question: yes, many studies have been done looking at the effects of working moms vs. SAHMs and like the PP who studied this in grad school reported, socioeconomic status and parental level of education is what matters, as long as the children have high quality child care. In my experience, both as a SAHM and WM and through years of reading this board, SAHMs tend to stay home because they can't afford to work (75-80% if I recall the latest study on this, though in this affluent area it seems like less, but nationally that is the number), or because they had big careers where they were working long hours and didn't think they could get any kind of flexibility or reasonable hours, or their husband works long hours and they knew they'd be doing work plus a second shift, or they or because they weren't thrilled about their job. Sure, there are some exceptions, but that represents a pretty broad spectrum. This too is supported by research. |
Anonymous
I agree. I think this is why the PP said she is glad you're not a teacher anymore. Which I think was a bit mean-spirited and harsh, for what that's worth. |
Anonymous
| 10:00 I am in a similar situation (flexible job, good salary) I am still on maternity leave. I will be sad to leave my dd at home with a nanny in a few weeks, but I was really hoping I could make it work (will probably work from home 1 day/week and in the office 5 hrs/day work 3 from home the other) Do you all think I am being unrealistic? I would (could) switch to part time, but dh wants me to try to maximize the advantages of my flexible job...my salary is not necessary, but our long term plans (ie staying in the city) kind of demand it. Would love to hear others advice. |
Anonymous
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"I decided to be a stay at home mom for pretty much all the reasons everyone else gave, but what sealed the deal for me was that as an elementary school teacher I noticed that pretty much all of my really "top" kids had stay at home moms. I know many working moms are going to slam me for saying that. Of course there are well-behaved, high achieving students who also have full-time working moms. But based on what I saw from teaching for 10 years at three different schools the "better" students seemed to disproportionately come from families with involved stay at home moms."
Nitwit analysis. Were you really a teacher? |